A Life Restored

Months of Activity

2012-01-17T20:18:00.001-07:00

The time of challenge is finally mellowing. In August I had a total Knee replacement. After 23 days in a nursing home I was wrecked. I was physically not sexually violated and made to be a threat to the center. They treated me as they liked to remove all credibility they could. This is a common for folks who are survivors left with diagnosis like PTSD. We get labeled by them. They will use all against us, as if we are the week. I was dumb founded at the unethical behavior and filed grievance with the state medical board. Being delivered over to the center while only two days after surgery; papers placed before me with a little check mark in a box that gave them all the legal leverage to do whatever they pleased.
The people on floor were very respectful for the greatest part. It was just too stressful during a time that was set aside for me to heal. So now into my fifth month of recovering my leg my soul is settled better within me. It was an experience I hope to never see anyone repeat. I almost lost the use of my leg due to neglect on top of everything. Left for many hours several times without proper pain medication because they forgot to order it!

Stay with your loved one when you admit them into any care facility. My husband had to work and care for our kids. There was eventually a woman who was an occupational therapist who stood at my side when she too was appalled by the lack of humanity. I fought hard, there was a police man even in my room taking a statement, adult protective services as well. It was an awful mess. It almost broke me. Lies are like that and those with financial defensiveness will stop at nothing to step on another to rise them-self into an unjust stance.

Well now here I am almost half way healed in leg. My mind calmed, my heart returned into full duty as wife and mother. Actually a full time home schooling mother of a 5th and 7th grader. Hard work! I am using a charter online school that supplies the curriculum. We will have aims testing in a few weeks. My children need this time to heal. I was gone for a month and so out of it with medications (knee replacement - PAIN). Pain like you would not believe until at least month four. It is much better than it was but they say it take a year. The kids are asleep on our bedroom floor. They are healing. Before my knee I was diagnosed with the CVID that is every four weeks a six hour infusion of plasma. This was the thing that was slowly killing me. My numbers are up and health is mine with a guarded fourth week as to avoid exposure to infections. Like a true battle to win this has been an enduring fight. The kids see me and they are mindful. They are really wonderful little people with the hardships of attachment deficit disorder. Me going through all of this is hard for them. So they are a major focus. My main main focus.

The day is done and rest is coming to the dark of night. It is a good thing that all the dust is settling.

Months ahead hold many missions, pray I am competent to meet them.

so true

2011-10-30T23:03:00.002-07:00

"What lies behind us, and what lies
before us are small matters
compared to what lies within us."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

what it was to be locked into a place of isolation

2011-07-03T10:58:00.005-07:00

Caged and doomed, boy leaves sad account of his life

in the commentary linked above is the reality of abuse

typed one handed :)

once when i was staying at the house of a couple that had been friends of my folks and of me i knew of the loss of freedom.

for years these once neighbors who had no children took me into their lives as their own. after years of traveling on camp trips, riding dirt bikes and laughter over a camp fire the betrayal occurred.

when a child reaches her t'weens they become a bit boy crazy, thrilled at the thought of attention. it is an innocent beautiful thing. my daughter is a tween now.

i was then a tween. my parents were in some sort of crisis or another and left me with them. Lynn and Jim. they were in a very small house in Sunny Slope Az. It was a very small house and i was moved into the water heater room off of the tiny kitchen. A cot, blanket and my stereo with a few record albums (shows my age). I could stand up and touch the wall if i reached out my arms. There was a window that if i really gave it all i had holding on to the rim of it could pull myself up to where my eyes just got a glimpse of the outside.

it was all peachy, exciting to get away from the violence of my mom and dad. that was until that horrible moment locked in time when Jim tried to sexually assault me.

i was terrified!

Lynn was the only other human there.

i told her

she was dependent on him..she sided with him. I'll never know whether she believed him. all i knew was all the hurt and betrayal was taken out on me and blamed on me. this tween who was just to become a young lady.

there was a sliding partition accordion folding door of sorts it was shut

kept shut for two weeks

food was slid in a bowl on the floor like dog food bowl would be. the rumble of the water heater would be a constant for it two took up that last little corner of the room. it would burn me if i got too close.it was music ,when i could play it very low would save me. once only the day before i was loved a part of a group now locked in exile even thinking becoming a young lady was a crime. hating that age ruined it.

Lynn and Jim were just two years before a saving grace. it was them who found me on my porch when i had been jumped and stabbed getting off the school bus.

now in one instant of Jim...or as i thought telling on Jim cost me all

i did not have my folks, did not know or even have a way to call anyone for help.

it was only two weeks or so. but i remember the thirst...loneliness those feelings that no one would come for me.

when they did well that was more torment for i had not 'behaved' because obviously they were not happy and had changed night and day with me. i had to return to the existence with my parents. convinced that i could turn to no one. when i had it just backfired.

i would do it again rather than to keep someones sick secrete.

when i read of this some weeks ago i cried really hard for him, for me and for all the others who know these things

this little boy was just left to die these were his words released through court documents...just heart breaking. may he teach this place lessons. may they hear them

Here, according to the court-released documents, is some of what Christian wrote about:
• "Christian often stated he was hungry or thirsty."
• "Christian wrote of why nobody liked him and how he just wanted to be liked by his family."
• "Christian stated that he wanted to die because nobody liked the way he 'acted.' "
• "Christian wrote of how many times he had to steal food or use the bathroom in his place of confinement."
• "Christian wrote of how he was 'let out' to clean or vacuum but then had to go back to his 'place' (the dog cage) immediately afterwards."
• "Christian wrote of how he had nothing to do and if he asked for something to do he was given a piece of paper and a pencil."
• "Christian wrote of how everybody else was outside playing but he was not."
The report concluded: "The writings go on and on of how isolated and sad Christian was on a daily basis."
In perhaps the most haunting sentence in the report, investigators said:
"Christian's writings detail a very sad, depressed child who often wondered when someone, anyone, was going to come check on him and give him food or liquid."

i don't wanta

2011-07-01T09:11:00.000-07:00

i got too, do i have too?....
i get too

privlige can often look like that

Lessons along the way...Mission toward competence

2011-06-07T08:14:00.001-07:00

Well now for several months with white knuckle I was set to a mission. Mission is a cornerstone of who we are and what we become.
Security
sense of self
affiliation
mission
competency (watch out for complacency)

Missions in my life were simply to survive, then to live each day in the present. Throughout recovery years it was to stand true to the determination that "I would expose them". Years to mend the body worn down my view of competency ever really becoming a possibility there. Each effort was met with an overpowering opposition.

Daily set to mission marriage and parenting have been some of my greatest missions to date. Those day in day out duties that were as we all know really never ending or often even a crescendo of plateau. Gardening was one design setting my eye upon left the place now for planting and harvest to ebb and flow as the seasons of life. Yet even in that the heat of living in the desert set with the physical challenges faced leaves mission to a "hang in there", let your expectations balance sort of coming to terms.

Years of the joy set to missions of varying types paled as the obstacles would seem insurmountably.
Oh how countless a talent turned skill has waned under the halting lack of confidence or know how to further a continuance of effect.

Mission is something that I had a determination toward yet lacked the skill set to follow through and succeed over the discouragements. These hindrances would I think have been met with a wisdom from an elder toward success.

Mission would hit a stressed out wall when the next step became an enigma.Freezing up what next became a never mind.
Next mission.
Never really living up to that potential of seeing how able talents set to skill could lead into becoming competent. It would often become a 'why bother' sort of despondence.
Knowing that we all suffer like things I chose to speak on these things this morning.

What I have begin to learn
Mission
Setting small goals at first
Setting steps toward each small goal
Like risk mission is a skill that is measured in baby steps, stride being met with the exercise of seeing little things succeed.

There is a saying that I love.

The sage anticipates things that are difficult while they are easy, and does things that would become great while they are small. All difficult things in the world are sure to arise from a previous state in which they were easy, and all great things from one in which they were small. Therefore the sage, while he never does what is great, is able on that account to accomplish the greatest things."

So for me the lessons of a lack of competence have occurred when a step in that process becomes all to overwhelming...

It is then that the choice to continue to skill on the point of halting.

For example

The skills of a jeweler halted 1) lack of merchandising how to 2) not knowing how or even willing to sell my competence for a price. 3) assuming that no one else could be sold into my mission.

The skills of gardening halted 1) learning timing of harvest to table 2) consistency issue due to lack of scheduling 3) letting go because of a need to learn less physically demanding techniques. 4) giving up on ideas and methods to set in place if dependency on others left me wanting. example...waiting for my husband to hook up a drip system...I gained the hoses for free (a mission in itself)...the project stops there. 5) learning how to do it myself.

The skills of a writer halted 1) fear of the family of origin being bothered by it 2) Lack of vision 3) easier to just watch hulu or be entertained then to think 3) needing to set to effect those thoughts or points of interest. 4) setting to priority the mission of service for the greater good over the efforts to express deep thinking. 5) Allowing a thought to flow and practicing better mind focus and thought control.

Now these few examples set as well to the variety of missions that overlap and over power each other. My old balance wheel helped me with keeping areas of interest varied helped. Lists and charts called rebellion over the authority they tried to impose.

Thus a new mission rises...

Gain understanding and knowledge on how to set mission into steps toward accomplishment.

This year I was able to do just that. Setting a balance budget savings added up through little things that honed each line down. I implemented a savings that added up to a recent vacation fully funded and each day calculated into the amounts available. Food/lodging/gas/ticket charges so forth. It took well into the 4th day of the trip to relax and see that I was competent in doing so. The stress of the process was hard on me.

Becoming more relaxed into mission skills is now a goal of mine. Understanding how that happens through little accomplishments is liberating. Seeing that 'I won't fail at it'. Overcoming the FEAR that the old wall of 'what do I do next' in the process can be climbed or walked around is also liberating.

security

sence of self

affiliation

mission

competencey

A cascade effect...

Affiliation waned when my sense of self faltered. My sense of self faltered when competency was lost due to lack of know how in reference to mission. If doubt that mission can be finished security becomes at issue.

Learning the steps to mission becomes a vital part of maturation. One that I missed out on. Teaching myself as far as I could left me short. Seeking a greater understanding and actually going on a quest to do so will send me far.

I think of how college work the classes in steps...English 101 comes to mind. English 102 builds upon it. If it were not for the first course we would not be equipped. If we stop after the first or primary lessons we write papers as a child.

It is time to put away a childish way (101) and set out farther into growing up into the abilities (102) that are there for us to peruse. Why settle for the lack of skill gain it.

Well kids are up

Mission...loads and loads of laundry

1) make laundry soap

The Forest Angel

2011-03-04T23:13:00.003-07:00

Click image to enlarge

Some time back it was requested of me to tell you more about the Forest Angel.

Now Gods ways far exceed my understanding, but more than anything they are the ways of love. The lives we live here are only limited by the minds we close to the things that are holy. It is with some courage that this pearl will be placed before your eyes for this is a HOLY thing.

I have shared parts of my history.

To tell others of her is to expose her to scrutiny and judgment under which non could hold her. For she is of God and by God and for God. As I am.

Recently while Dove was recovering as was I from the knee injections last Thursday the children and I watched this movie called the 'KID'. My children and I speak of the deeper things of life daily. They know that the freedom is there for then to ask of such things without bias coloring the end of events. They also are free to share the things within them in such a way. We are willing to HEAR them, thus they give us ear as well. In the movie the 'kid comes to help the man who then discovers that he as his elder self is helping life to bear the fruits that are only divided by a time line. You would really need to watch the movie. The point is that life is a line of time that is most often only accepted as a linear list of events.

Now certainly that makes all the since in the world for folks to see days that way. From beginning to end. Even the prophets of old were rejected most often by those who thought they had it all figured out. In the end the blindness and unwillingness to open ones eyes brought great consequences even to nations.

The story of the Forest Angel is one such experience in this woman's life. My life has not been a life defined by linear terms. The effects of my years have yes created a being that is effected and restored yes in a time line of days, months years and yes even decades.

When we had watched the film the query was if I had ever known of such things to have really happened and in all truth I replied. Telling the children that I too have truly experience such things only in somewhat of a reverse. Telling them if they ever wanted to know I would be perfectly willing to explain if they wanted me too. The day before yesterday the kids and I had a very long 50 mile round trip to visit their Aunt in the hospital. When we were returning home on the freeway from the back seat asked the question from Dash "remember when you said I could ask about that thing that you knew like the movie 'the kid'? could you tell us?"

I did so...and spoke

When as a child terrible things happened one was particularity gruesome and violent.Asking them if they remember the movie Chronicles of Narnia and the stone table?, they affirmed so. As a child harm came to me on a stone table. Very bad things occurred and one was so terrible that I could no longer stay in my body or soul and I became pure spirit. It was when during this event that they killed a rabbit above me that an Angel took me away in Spirit and Mind into the forest where I played with the other rabbits. They trusted me, the rabbits and felt safe near me as I knelt. She the Forest Angel stood there as a sentential watching over me this child of mercy and favor. It was as if her love was a winged clutch around us there watching over us and stopping the truth of those images of what was occurring to the body, my body. The body of a child violated and being raped.

Now lately the kids have used the language of/or word 'rape' in ignorance. Actually earlier in the day I confronted their ignorance with a clear explanation of what it meant to rape or be raped. They must know the words they use. The use of it in their speech was so dangerous a notion that they must understand it's intensity.

The Forest Angel kept my Spirit and Mind from the destruction occurring to my Body. Destruction that to this day effects my health. Then I told them of the thing that most amazed me about the Forest Angel.

She was me all grown into a young woman, come to protect me as a child.

It was only years later into and after the hardest parts of my recovery from torture and abuse that I was shown with such holiness this fact. I could not understand it. No man or woman taught it to me . It was an innate knowledge.

A Holy thing.

I am the her, the Forest Angel and have ever longed to return to the forest. It is a huge part of who I am. I have been called the piper to the children. A gift has been upon me that children feel safe near me. I have all my years had a gift with the wild creatures that they would come to me. Out in the parks wild birds would land on me. Ducks would rest beside me with their clutch of ducklings under their wing. Hummingbirds will come to me within inches and speak with me. Just the other day at the zoo Dove stood amazed as I taught her to be still. We were watching the otters. They were speaking with me right there in front of my child while we were surrounded by hordes of visitors. Dove saw her, me the Forest Angel. Not many do any more. That part of who I am has been housed and sheltered from the onslaught of harsh reality though temporal. It has caused her, me to withdraw from time and place. It is what leaves me unhappy, changed from what many of you knew of me years hence.

She is I am still her, but I am lost.

Religion, assertion of judgments or fear there of has left me wanting for a different time. A different place where kindness ruled and folks were again humble. We all just don't really KNOW the mind of God. How could any of us think that we have Him all figured out.

Darkness travels to expel the light, to extinguish it. This flicker this flame that I am...under a bushel still yet remains.

Perhaps in this telling of the Forest Angel it might be placed, my light, a little brighter to shine out some of the darkness. It does within my little family. Beyond that she remains...now guarded years later by me the old sage.

an·gel (njl)n.

1. A typically benevolent celestial being that acts as an intermediary between heaven and earth, especially in Christianity, Judaism, Islam, and Zoroastrianism.

2. A representation of such a being, especially in Christianity, conventionally in the image of a human figure with a halo and wings.

3. angels Christianity The last of the nine orders of angels in medieval angelology. From the highest to the lowest in rank, the orders are: seraphim, cherubim, thrones, dominations or dominions, virtues, powers, principalities, archangels, and angels.

4. A guardian spirit or guiding influence.

a. A kind and lovable person.

b. One who manifests goodness, purity, and selflessness.

Building Character when overwhelmed

2011-02-27T03:34:00.002-07:00

Long time no see here

This has been a very overwhelming time for me.
Many major changes in my life due to a illness that changes the very way of life.
I was diagnosed with CVID common veritable immune disorder. I have had an IV port placed in my chest to have infusions of gamma globulin every 4 weeks. It is a six hour process. I have an awesome nurse.

She has come to greatly respect the nuance of the human body when it comes to being a torture survivor. At first my body wanted nothing to do with her needles IV's entering my veins. She would get the vein, then the valve would shut down. many months this meant 5 sticks to start the infusions. The stress was getting to all of us. That is why the surgery for a port implant was necessary.

My sister Midge who was the one who came forward 3 years into my recovery also saved my life in her dying. This has been a journey. Her death was what raised a flag to a doctor that God alone had provided.
It took some doing to get my being around the reality of what a gift I was given. I may not of lived much longer had this continues to be misdiagnosed. I spent a life time of "it shouldn't" by doctors who had no clue as to this rare disorder. Our allergist 'happened' :) to intern at a university that studied Primary Immune Disorders. One in 50,000 people. Folks in my generation were never tested. Babies are now so if the have failure to thrive. I am very vulnerable to bacteria do to a subclass of the disorder.

My life had come to a time when I have to slow down. It is a real change as I turn 50 with a monthly schedule that will run low the more stress or work I do. So I have been learning to pace myself. I will not kid you depression has been a ghost on my shoulder. The PTSD came into play as well causing me to have to increase my stress medications. Now all things are pretty much regulated.

My emotions have run the gamete. Now the dust is settling. My heart although filled with gratitude is also sad. It is a strange thing to have this port in my chest. Three little nubs mark the center of it for needle location. So I feel a bit strange with it. My skin is thin so it is really obvious. Using a bra that holds my assets up helps.
My health has really improved my immune system is being restored after being completely depleted.

I have pulled away over the last several months just overwhelmed. I'll come on home into who I am. I'll overcome as I always have. This time it was just a bit much.

The Strongest Predictor For Low Stress

2010-12-25T23:30:00.001-07:00

Research from wild baboons provides insight into perhaps the best way to combat daily, psychological stress. During this holiday season it might bring some comfort. Christie Nicholson reports

| December 25, 2010 | 0

Stress is crucial for survival. Zebra sees a lion, stress makes her run. But we modern humans get stressed mostly for psychological reasons. Which are much more constant and lingering than a run in with a lion. Work, lifestyle, family, even Christmas.

What makes stress dangerous is the glucocortocoid hormones that our body releases. Elevated levels of such hormones leads to diabetes, hypertension, decreased testosterone, memory loss, suppressed immune system.

Robert Sapolsky, Professor of Neurology at Stanford University, has been studying stress in wild baboons for more than three decades. And he found there are two powerful predictors of who will be most affected by stress. Personality plays a huge role. Can you tell the difference between a big threat and minor issue? If it is big can you figure out a way to get some control over it? If there’s a bad outcome do you have a coping mechanism? If you can answer yes to these it’s a good bet you’ve got relatively low stress.

Beyond personality traits, the single best predictor of an ability to deal well with stress is how socially connected you are. Baboons who had strong relationships also had low glucocorticoid levels and outlived the more isolated baboons by about three years.

So this Christmas holiday, rejoice in your interconnections, your friends and family. It’s a good thing for your heart and health.

—Christie Nicholson

Tattered Pieces~ Mended Minds~Changed Lives

2010-11-11T21:14:00.006-07:00

This is a twelve week lesson plan that I developed to help others

My name is Donetta.

I am not a professional counselor.

I walked through seven years (and then some) of intensive family of origin based recovery. Addressing all forms of childhood abuse. Living under a parental curse seven generations. Some how getting freed from it. These are some of the things that helped me in the restoration of my soul/mind/body. The Lord has walked with me all of my days He knew me and kept me.Although Gods presence was with me I only came to begin to know and understand who He is on my twentieth birthday in 1981.<>john 3:16<>

Do you struggle with a lie over your head? “ You’ll never amount to anything…loser…no one will ever love you. ”

Are the effects of your youth stopping you from uncovering what you long to be?<>

Do you ask your self “ why am I this way?<>

Do you find yourself saying “ How could I (they) be so stupid”!

Do you share with Paul when you read “ I do the things I don’t want to do and don’t’ do the things I want to do. Who can save me? Praise be to God who... <>

Synopsis

Together learning some tools to help ourselves in the process of becoming new

Lesson One~

Why?

Why am I?

Why are they?

What made us this way?

It's No Wonder.

Lesson Two

Choice and Consequences

Under the will of others
The triad of Rescuer/victim/offender

Free Choice

Lesson Three

Where?

Where was God?

Salvation free choice

Repentance and restoration

Lesson Four

The Lie

Uncovering the lie

How it got there

Lesson five

Discover the truth

Who you are in Christ

Replace the lie

Lesson Six

The gates of your mind

Understanding

education

training up a child

practice

Lesson Seven

Feelings

A gift from God

Appropriate/Inappropriate

Manipulation verses Direct meeting of needs

Lesson Eight

Rage triad

Identifying the components of rage

Silent rage
Fight Flight

What do we do when others rage at us

Lesson Nine

Triad of sin

Stepping of of it

Our responsibility

Lesson 10

Becoming New verses the curse

Boundaries

Character training
Re-parenting

Affirmations

Lesson 11

Risk verses blind trust

Learning to trust God

Learning to build trust with others

Lesson 12

A pure Heart

Clean hands

Seeing myself through eyes of love

Seeing others through eyes of love

Thinking it through

2010-11-10T23:12:00.000-07:00

So think on these things...

Thankful for...
Love
loving
being loved
my best friend being my husband
my childrn being beautiful and wonderful to raise
friends who remain even in my absence
success of others
flowers in the garden
veggies germinating in the earth
Mercy and favor from God
Hair on my neck
light in my eyes
ring on my finger
roof overhead
food to feed us
grass to grow
a day off for the children
tools like this to refocus
tanacity to toward boundries
skills to hone
talents to offer
a home of my own
home to offer a santuary to those I love
that finger nails grow back

a cord of three strands not easily broken
ivig to save my bones for this lifetime
gentleness from my darling mate
computer to type on
grief that is healing
The memories of my sweet sister how in her dieing of such a rare thing I am given the gift of extended life.
She was the woman who three years into my recovery came forward asking forgiveness. She said that the things I remembered were true when all of the others denial all but drove me to suicide, she saved my sanity too.

I miss my sister she knew how to commiserate without correction or council just an empathetic ear. I had that joint friendship this week with a wonderful woman my very most intimate friend and it really refreshed my soul.

I think I am real sad, thankful for the gift of sorrow is healing.
I think I am angry and the gift of that anger is power.
I am much more powerful these last months
I am thankful for that.

It has been hard for me to hold fast to who I am and not let another rob it from me.
It feels as if sometimes I am bought. I do not like it! It feels like the old rescue/abusive/victim triangle thing. I am not willing to remain in this tangle this snag. If it were a bad friendship I would remove myself. In this with the details it is not the wise way to go. Too caring of this other to preserve myself.
How you can want something so much yet reality is that it is not different than how it is.

I am vulnerable with my sisters loss. Others remain removed and I am so trying to support, love and give opportunity to a soul to become new. Reality is that accepting others as they are will have a profound effect on how it effects us. Wisdom at times is to bite tongue and love through it. It is life sucking however.
I just treasure a hold on this little life left that I have fought so hard for.
I beome a fog, as it it were as I wished it were, the relationship. It is a madness for it is still yet the same as old for the ingrained triad is so hard to challenge with the love that it takes. With the courage that it takes
For if it is challenged the rescuer then becomes victim martyr. It is so infuriating!

I am thankful that it is for all of this that I endure.
yee haw here comes the holiday season.
I wish it were just the four of us. So much so, no other issues to master.
Kindness is a rule of this old heart that feels so worn of practicing it.

It is finished

2010-10-23T23:21:00.000-07:00

"when will you know that you have given yourself a life?" she asked me .
This after telling her that it was my childhood goal to tell on them, to testify against the hidden things done in darkness. If I did not let them make me like them, I would give myself a life on day "i promised" this to my own soul.

After so many many years it has come the time. I see that it is time to accept that I have reached that goal.

When given the medication to stop the effects of the cortisol flush. That PTSD flight/fight response my psychiatrist told me that I should really consider if I ought to subject myself to any more EMDR. My very physical health was made at risk by keeping the stress hormone activated in the process of identifying the triggers to rid myself of the effect of them. It made me think long and hard about when I would stop and simply accept that there will be times when others would simply need to respect my boundries. That I will need to simply accept my limitations stemming from the PTSD triggers. To accept that I have given myself a life, and this is now time to be free to live it.

This only after many many years of a lot of really hard work.
It is finished. My goal has been attained.
I am tired. It is finished.
Now I live.

I think I now know that I have given myself that life fought for. In the spring I will turn 50 years of age. I have fought for many years gaining back the life stolen from me to the best of my tenacious ability.

It is that now that I see that I have taken my power back!

I have my life gained!

No longer to fight for anything grater than that I have so successfully attained. The world around me is just that. It can not be altered or changed. I can support those who walk this long road by declaring that Yes this will one day be finished

Many of you know my stand or jurney through the seasons of old when concerning this upcoming holiday.
For many many years my stand, my battle to tell the truth. Sound the bell, shout from the high places to pray for the children during the upcoming days. It has left my mind tormented with the memories of those days pass. Now no longer is it my bell to ring.

Now I let this to you. It will be no longer for me to be the clanging sound of arise and pray for the inocent who are harmed.

It is a season to pass that mantle on.

To you who understand this

Others must take that task so that I can no longer think on these things in order to attain the goal that is MY LIFE

That battle is not to flood my mind any longer.

I have told the truth, I have rung the bell now I pass that bell along to you who's duty it is to do so.

This will be the first year that I will no longer focus on the horror of this time of year.

I will rather be focusing on the pure and raise my family aware that we all can overcome.

I will example to all that I have overcome the world, the evil and naked violence that would remove the innocent as well as the vile.

I will celibrate the innocent and leave the vile to it's own devices.

I will yet pray and then let go for it is no longer for me to intercede when it takes me back to the very events that I fear happening to other children.

It is up to you and others who are able to pray without the effects of personal experience.

Denile, Stopping up your ears

2010-10-09T15:57:00.003-07:00

"It really never happened".
Halloween is just pure simple kids fun, a chance for innocence and community affiliation. There is nothing wrong with it. It's all good.

This is a hard thing to put into practice. I hate Halloween!

We who have know horror have to hold our fingers in our ears, but when my fingers get tired...
When I get tired of the ghouls when trying my best to allow my kids the opportunity to witness what trick or treating means... When the folks scream...I am doing my best to manage the PTSD.

There are always ear plug... :)

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Stress

2010-08-17T08:14:00.002-07:00

Stress. Stress initiates the release of a variety of hormones that make your pulse race and cause your blood pressure to rise. The hormone cortisol, released to lessen these effects, also creates problems when it remains chronically elevated. Try practicing relaxation techniques to help manage stress, and get enough sleep every night.

I read an article in a health publication this morning. So alright it is true yep the effects are real.

So kids do this...address the cortisol NOW

Lamictal is a very useful tool or medication. It took a good 30 years for anyone to offer anything to help this cortisol flush to stop. This medication really has changed my daily life. That flush of cortisol made me someone else it left me an angry reactor, the shaking of frustration left me exposed to blowups and in-congruent responses. Embarrassed low self esteem and so on.

TEND TO IT
This does not have to be left to it's devices. The inflammation caused to our body is lasting so stop and tend to it.
You Matter

I often use essence oils like this one

click on image

The effects of P.T.S.D. and disassociation

2010-08-16T22:45:00.011-07:00

Fight / Flight

Hyper diligence ingrained into the very synapse of the physical tissue of the brain. Trained to focus constantly so constantly that over years it is not even a conscience event. So that most of the focus of every moment of life is taken up in it. There is a very little percentage left to take in anything else. Then, after years of missing out on all the things going on around me, all the joys and people they disappear. In the fog of those very moments taken away being distracted on keeping safe and creating safety for those around me. I have been so riddled by the Flight/fight defense system ingrained in my brain that not even reason by this highly intelligent woman could will herself out of it. The height of this intelligence and tenacity got me into a safe life and kept me here. But even after 25 years the brain my brain is so hard wired to pursue safety at all cost it has even cost me my very ability to remember the special events with my kids, the names and faces of my friends and the relationships that I could not even relax enough in to remember who they were. Or what our relationship was. Very few folks have I been safe enough that relaxed friendships could occur and remain.

So the solve appears to be intentionally re-wirer'ed. See I thought I had done this but what had been done was actually really 'becoming safe'. Now I need to make my brain hard wire on the fact that I am safe and it can stop. By verbalizing my feelings of every moment into to the pleasures I am experiencing this will be a big start.

So now I have to convince the wiring of my brain to stand down. Physically it must now get intentional focused attention to speak out pleasure experience every moment and how it feels out loud. My Psychiatrist said that the medication itself can cause a slowing of cognitive function. The Disassociation is actually the flight fight constantly being a sentential relentlessly stopping me from enjoying any given moment. The memory is not created because the synapse are to busy with looking out for danger are possible problems. Literally the ruts in the physical organic brain are stopping the new neuron pathways from forming. Now just like building muscle I have to force the new synapses to form associating feelings to experiences to create memory.

I forgot the appointment I had a week ago. It was a 3 month medication check. I got a bill for the no show. Called today after I got home with the good news from the neurologist. The secretary calls me back she wanted to know if 4:30 might work she had had a cancellation.

Pretty obvious who orchestrated that.

By the way he gave me grace on the debt and erased it.

So the neurologist wants me to start back up the EDMR, I told the psychiatrist (he is renowned for his work with veterans he handles medications as an MD) and he warned me to speak to the physiologist about it (p.t.s.d. is her specialty she rewires the brain to stop flash backs). To use care that it not provoke more of the Fight / Flight unconscious response apparently it will be a very fine balance.

The EMDR is to remove the stimulus causing the flight /fight at the same time I must also put huge focus on intentional verbal recognition of experiences at the moment of events identifying pleasurable experiences giving them a feeling name.

So if you already have made it this far in your recovery I applaud you. If your yet on the path and stumbling along I reach out this hand to you.

May this information be a hands up to somebody.

Yes the point is that God does have a purpose in all of this.

Get this the psychiatrist said "(the above) and to Expect and look for miracles". Reminding me that all along many of the things he has witnessed in my life over the years have killed many other of his patients yet I am making it through it all by the faith and grace of God. Cool that he sees it, even cooler that he actually acknowledged it.

My intellect is always unconsciously focused all around me for any dangers to myself or my loved ones . Now I must force this intellect to serve me in another way. Healer heal thy self.

Dissociative Disorder

2010-08-16T13:49:00.003-07:00

For the last 25+ years everything I have been able to do to address the P.T.S.D. and dissociative disorder is apparently only a partial cure. Unless a side effect of the anti depressant is causing amnesia it could be that the DD is causing it.

Today I had wonderful news, aside from the migraine (white spots in my gray matter of the brain) the memory may be DD yet effected by the P.T.S.D.

I am very happy to know that longevity is on my side verses early onset dementia (the threat I have been under for a few years now). I am also discouraged because I thought that after all this time I was on the other side of my youth. I hate that ~ reads this for I have lost the ability to write unabashed well I am going to speak no matter the risk of loss of familiar respect. I can not let that stop my purpose here. I have now for a few years. Every sense ~ became a follower. It is often reported to others who would rather ridicule me and silence my reality. It makes me angry that I have become so passive to it. I felt like guarding pearls. I hated to get trampled on. So I removed myself from myself to protect myself. Stupid ...yes but no less understandable.

I will discuss the drugs for the depression and the one for the cortisol stress response this afternoon with the prescribing psychiatrist . Perhaps some of this is a side effect. These issues were going on back before the medications.

When a child is tortured it last a life time. A very very long life time. So many many of those along my way have taken their own life. I can understand it. Though it should never be an option. This is not an option for me. Never has been and now as a parent it can never be. For I could never be so selfish to do so. Oh man do I understand the discouragement though. It leaves an inappropriate shame. One that is not mine for I have done nothing intentionally to cause this wake. In fact everything I can to change it. Perhaps there is more I can do.

I turn 50 next year when when is it over. Sometimes I think it would of been better if bill and his crony would of just killed me. I fought so hard to live to tell on them. In my ear rings the "God had a purpose in me surviving" ya...well the circle of denial in my family is suffocating! I am trying to find relationships but the dissociative stuff still robs me of a 'normal' life, to the effect that it looked like dementia with the memory loss in day to day. The P.T.S.D. still brings on the D.I.D. whether I notice it doing it or not. Maybe it is an effect of the drugs in combination. I tell ya though this has gotten real old. Ignoring it is just something I wish I could do. I have come so so far from life in a closet terrified not knowing how I got there.

The damage to my body from the stress. The physical from the abuse...now the Common Immunodeficiency to endure that may or may not be genetic. It may even have been from the years of P.T.S.D.. Stress destroys the body!

I understand how it seems more merciful if they kill us...for they take a normal life away from us.

Gee I wonder why we get depressed, so we can live life out though a bottle of antidepressants. Makes me so angry at abusers and parents who neglect the kids in their charge. Parents who torment their own kids with crap left undone in their own youth.Then others have to step in at the cost of a normal life for themselves. Now that just makes us really feel wonderful about ourselves. sarcasm

So I say table when I want to ask for a drink, or forget what we did as a family last week, month. Don't even remember my friends, or that they were even out there wondering what ever happened to me...it is not organic my physical body will not leave them caring for me in later years as a dementia patient. That is good news.

I just feel like crying.

No ~. I don't give a **** if you call ~. and gossip all about it. All of that is full of bitter denial and selfish contempt that's their stuff. If ~. or anyone else for that matter, wants a relationship... all of me or nothing . Non of your business ~. Unless you are for me you are against me.

Know that I was always for you ~.

Introduction
Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) (known in the past as Multiple Personality Disorder-MPD) and other Dissociative Disorders are now understood to be fairly common effects of severe trauma in early childhood. The most common cause is extreme, repeated physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse.

There is a great deal of overlap of symptoms and experiences among the several Dissociative Disorders, including DID. Some people who may not qualify for a specific diagnosis may, nevertheless, have problems with dissociation. For ease of reading, we use “Dissociative Disorders” as a general term for all of the diagnoses. Individuals should seek help from qualified mental health providers to answer questions about their own particular circumstances and diagnoses.

Q: Is DID the same as MPD?
n 1994, the American Psychiatric Association’s manual that classifies and describes all psychiatric diagnoses changed the name from Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD) to Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). They felt this better reflected the current professional understanding of the disorder, based on significant recent research.

Q: What Does Trauma Have to Do with DID?
Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is a trauma-related mental illness affecting 8% of Americans. PTSD is closely related to Dissociative Disorders. In fact, most people with a Dissociative Disorder also have PTSD. The cost of trauma disorders is extremely high to individuals, families, and society. Recent research suggests that people with trauma disorders may attempt suicide more often than people who have major depression. Research also shows that people with trauma disorders have more serious medical illnesses, substance use, and self-harming behaviors.

Q: What Is Dissociation?
Dissociation is a disconnection between a person's thoughts, memories, feelings, actions, or sense of who he or she is. This is a normal process that everyone has experienced. Examples of mild, common dissociation include daydreaming, highway hypnosis, or "getting lost" in a book or movie, all of which involve "losing touch" with awareness of one's immediate surroundings.

Q: When Is Dissociation Helpful?
During a traumatic experience such as an accident, disaster, or crime victimization, dissociation can help a person tolerate what might otherwise be too difficult to bear. In situations like these, a person may dissociate the memory of the place, circumstances, or feelings about of the overwhelming event, mentally escaping from the fear, pain, and horror. This may make it difficult to later remember the details of the experience, as reported by many disaster and accident survivors.

Q: What is a Dissociative Disorder?
Tragically, ongoing traumatic conditions such as abuse, community violence, war, or painful medical procedures are not one-time events. For people repeatedly exposed to these experiences, especially in childhood, dissociation is an extremely effective coping “skill.” However, it can become a double-edged sword. It can protect them from awareness of the pain in the short-run, but a person who dissociates often may find in the long-run his or her sense of personal history and identity is affected. For some people, dissociation is so frequent it results in serious pathology, relationship difficulties, and inability to function, especially when under stress.

Q: Who Gets Dissociative Disorders?
As many as 99% of people who develop Dissociative Disorders have documented histories of repetitive, overwhelming, and often life-threatening trauma at a sensitive developmental stage of childhood (usually before the age of nine). They may also have inherited a biological predisposition for dissociation. In our culture, the most frequent cause of Dissociative Disorders is extreme physical, emotional, and sexual abuse in childhood. Survivors of other kinds of childhood trauma (such as natural disasters, invasive medical procedures, war, kidnapping, and torture) have also reacted by developing Dissociative Disorders.

Q: Is DID a Major Mental Health Problem?
Current research shows that DID may affect 1% of the general population and as many as 5-20% of people in psychiatric hospitals. The rates are even higher among sexual-abuse survivors and addicts. These statistics put Dissociative Disorders in the same category as schizophrenia, depression, and anxiety, as one of the four major mental health problems today.

Q: Does DID Affect Both Women and Men?
Most current literature shows that Dissociative Disorders are recognized primarily among women. The latest research, however, indicates that the disorders may be equally prevalent (but less frequently diagnosed) among men. Men with Dissociative Disorders are most likely to be in treatment for other mental illnesses or drug and alcohol abuse, or they may be incarcerated.

Q: How Does a Dissociative Disorder Develop?
When faced with an overwhelming situation from which there is no physical escape, a child may learn to "go away" in his or her head. Children typically use this ability as a defense against physical and emotional pain, or fear of that pain. By dissociating, thoughts, feelings, memories, and perceptions of the trauma can be separated off in the mind. This allows the child to function normally. This often happens when no parent or trusted adult is available to stop the hurt, soothe, and care for the child at the time of traumatic crisis. The parent/caregiver may be the source of the trauma, may neglect the child’s needs, may be a co-victim, or may be unaware of the situation.

Q: How Do Dissociative Disorders Help People Survive?
Dissociative Disorders are often called a self-protection or survival technique because they allow individuals to endure "hopeless" circumstances and preserve some healthy functioning. For a child who has been repeatedly physically and sexually assaulted, however, dissociation becomes a reinforced and conditioned defense.

Q: If It’s a Survival Technique, What’s the Down Side?
Because it is so effective, children who are very practiced at dissociating may automatically use it whenever they feel threatened--even if the anxiety-producing situation is not extreme or abusive. Even after the traumatic circumstances are long past, the left-over pattern of defensive dissociation sometimes remains into adulthood. Habitual defensive dissociation may lead to serious dysfunction in school, work, social, and daily activities.

Q: How Do the Identities of DID Develop?
Until about the age of eight or nine years, children are developmentally primed for fantasy play, such as when they create and interact with imaginary “friends.” When under extreme stress, young children may call on this special ability to develop a “character” or “role” into which they can escape when feeling threatened. One therapist described this as nothing more than a little girl imagining herself on a swing in the sunshine instead of at the hands of her abuser. Repeated dissociation can result in a series of separate entities, or mental states, which may eventually take on identities of their own. These entities can become the internal "personality states" of DID. Changing between these states of consciousness is often described as "switching."

Q: Do People Actually Have “Multiple Personalities”?
Yes, and no. One of the reasons for the decision to change the disorder's name from MPD to DID is that "multiple personalities" is a misleading term. A person with DID feels as if she has within her two or more entities, each with its own way of thinking and remembering about herself and her life. These entities previously were often called "personalities," even though the term did not accurately reflect the common definition of the word. Other terms often used by therapists and survivors to describe these entities are: "alternate personalities," "alters," "parts," "states of consciousness," "ego states," and "identities." It is important to keep in mind that although these alternate states may feel or appear to be very different, they are all manifestations of a single, whole person.

Q: Is it Obvious when a Person Switches Personalities?
Unlike popular portrayals of dissociation in books and movies, most people with Dissociative Disorders work hard to hide their dissociation. They can often function so well, especially under controlled circumstances, that family members, coworkers, neighbors, and others with whom they interact daily may not know that they are chronically dissociative. People with Dissociative Disorders can hold highly responsible jobs, contributing to society in a variety of professions, the arts, and public service.

Q: What Are the Symptoms of a Dissociative Disorder?
People with Dissociative Disorders may experience any of the following: depression, mood swings, suicidal thoughts or attempts, sleep disorders (insomnia, night terrors, and sleep walking), panic attacks and phobias (flashbacks, reactions to reminders of the trauma), alcohol and drug abuse, compulsions and rituals, psychotic-like symptoms, and eating disorders. In addition, individuals can experience headaches, amnesias, time loss, trances, and "out-of-body experiences." Some people with Dissociative Disorders have a tendency toward self-persecution, self-sabotage, and even violence (both self-inflicted and outwardly directed).

Q: Why Are Dissociative Disorders Often Misdiagnosed?
Dissociative Disorders survivors often spend years living with the wrong diagnosis. They change from therapist to therapist and from medication to medication, getting treatment for symptoms but making little or no actual progress. Research shows that people with Dissociative Disorders spend an average of seven years in the mental health system before getting the correct diagnosis. This is common because the symptoms that drive a person with a Dissociative Disorder to treatment are very similar to those of many other psychiatric diagnoses.

Q: What Are Some Common Misdiagnoses?
Common misdiagnoses include attention deficit disorder (especially among children), because of difficulties in concentration and memory; bipolar disorder, because “switching” can look like rapid-cycling mood swings; schizophrenia or psychoses, because flashbacks can cause auditory and visual hallucinations; and addictions, because alcohol and drugs are frequently used to self medicate or to numb the psychic pain.

Q: What Other Mental Health Problems Are People with DID Likely to Have?
In addition, people with Dissociative Disorders can have other diagnosable mental health problems at the same time. Typically these include depression, post traumatic stress disorder, panic attacks, obsessive compulsive symptoms, phobias, and self-harming behavior such as cutting, eating disorders, and high-risk sexual behaviors. Although they may get expert treatment for the more common secondary issue, if the dissociative disorder is not addressed, recovery is generally short lived.

I have spent so many stinking years addressing it!

Q: Can Dissociative Disorders Be Cured?
Yes. Dissociative Disorders respond well to individual psychotherapy, or "talk therapy," and to a range of other treatment modalities, including medications, hypnotherapy, and art or movement therapy. In fact, compared to other severe psychiatric disorders, Dissociative Disorders may carry the best prognosis, if proper treatment is undertaken and completed. The course of treatment is long-term, intensive, and painful, as it generally involves remembering and reclaiming the dissociated traumatic experiences. Ultimately, the “alters” or “parts” can merge into a single whole “personality,” reclaiming the awareness, identity, and history previously held by the individual parts. Individuals with Dissociative Disorders have been successfully treated by therapists of all professional backgrounds, generally with special training, working in a variety of settings.

R.A.D.ical responce to life

2010-08-01T09:49:00.003-07:00

My son has Anger/loss insomnia three nights now The RAD stuff hitting him hard. With school getting ready to start and all he is just a bit insecure like WAY! I awoke at 6 am to check on him and I searched the house yards in a PANIC could not find him. He heard the front door close and came out of our bedroom where he was on the floor beside my husband. He had had a bad dream. It is always VERY had on him to separate from home. The kid does not even like to travel. He just wants his home.
So sleepy mom to comfort. So like that image in the descriptions of RAD , is chattering nonsense NONSTOP! for at least 2 hours before he began to calm. sweet baby. My thoughts are to introduce some of this to the kids like a "it's no wonder, It is just a part of how you have coped. Your learning now to function differently. Soon you just won't be coping any more you'll be thriving!"
I would walk out of the room breath deep then think how it is in his shoes go back in and keep listening and engaging
Mercy that was trying. Daddy man has him in the other room calmed for the most part but edging and easily provoked if any frustrations come his way.
Now our Daughter needs to be pulled out she is just the opposite anxious/ambivalent I will need to focus to pull her out over and over and when she is ready she knows I am here. She would just become part of the wall if not. If I do not wait for her timing she gets sorta snooty. It is a real button pusher for me. So I try to think teenager with RAD = stay calm speak to her respectfully and make it about her behavior not her heart. By guarding her heart through the dance she easily comes to offer an apology when the dust settles. I just tell her over and over how I love her for ever.

I tell them often that there is a huge difference between our REACTIONS and who we really are within our hearts. In some folk perhaps not so much but those are already hardened souls who have lost hope.

I just pray for those.

Life with RAD is not easy but understanding when the symptoms get in my face the person is most likely feeling pretty insecure and so I am simply offering a rock for them to hold to. One day they will hold fast on their own. Stand up to the RAD temptations and be able to laugh as they say

"IT'S NO WONDER!"

Now I find myself watching my own reactions seeing the roots of them and making conscience chooses to learn how to ACT intentionally in a different more educated way.

Adult Attachment Disorder & Treatment

2010-07-28T07:12:00.003-07:00

Thanks for stopping by.

I have been relating with my two adopted kids seeing some RAD patterns in them. Scary stuff when passed on and innate to their own journey. Made me stop and look at it. I have really been aware of the effects of some of this. Felt bad about the way I responded to the world. Understanding is the beginning of the knowledge needed to make that change. It is not about feeling bad about myself it is about identifying why I am this way.
Fondly
Donetta

Childhood attachment issues leave an adult vulnerable to difficulties
in forming secure adult relationships. Patterns of attachment continue through the life cycle and across generations.
New relations are affected by the expectations developed in past relationships. There is a strong correlation between insecure adult attachment and marital dissatisfaction and negative marital interactions. If an adult does not feel safe with others, he/she will tend to be either rejecting of their partner or overly clingy.

Attachment problems are often handed down transgenerationally unless someone breaks the chain. As a parent, an insecurely attached adult may lack the ability to form a strong attachment to their child and provide the necessary attachment cues required for the healthy emotional development of the child thereby predisposing their child to a lifetime of relationship difficulties.

Depending on the genetic personality style of the individual and the early life events experienced, insecurely attached adults fall in one of two categories of insecure attachment:
Intense anger and loss
Critical of others
Sensitive to blame
Lack of empathy
Views others as untrustworthy
Views others as undependable
Views self as unlovable or "too good" for others
Relationships feel either threatening to one's sense of control,not worth the effort, or both
Compulsive self-reliance
Passive withdrawal
Low levels of perceived support small
Difficulty getting along with co-workers, often preferring to work alone
Work may provide a good excuse to avoid personal relations
Fear of closeness in relationships
Avoidance of intimacy
Unlikely to idealize the love relationship
Tendency toward Introjective depression (self critical)
ANXIOUS/AMBIVALENT
Compulsive Care giving
Feel over involved and under appreciated
Rapid relationship breakups
Idealizing of others
Strong desire for partner to reciprocate in relationship
Desire for extensive contact and declarations of affections
Over invests his/her emotions in a relationship
Perceives relationships as imbalanced
>Relationship is idealized
Preoccupation with relationship
Dependence on relationship
Heavy reliance on partner
Views partner as desirable but unpredictable (sometimes available, sometimes not)
Perceives others as difficult to understand
Relationship is primary method by which one can experience a sense of security
Unlikely to view others as altruistic
Sensitive to rejection
Discomfort with anger
Extreme emotions
Jealous
Possessive
Views self as unlovable
Suicide attempts
Mood swings
Tendency toward analytic depression (dependent depression)

GOALS OF THERAPY

Identify early losses
Mourn the loss of that which never was but yearned for deeply
Provide closure to the unresolved relationship longings with parental attachment figures
Reorganize belief system and physiological reaction to attachment relationships

Gratefully, attachment styles are not fixed in stone and with either positive life experience or appropriate therapeutic intervention and a strong desire for change adults can alter their relationships and experience true intimacy and closeness.

The Versatile Blogger with a Sunshine award

2010-06-03T21:12:00.000-07:00

The "sunshine award" ... well just pass it on to 12 of your favourite bloggers...

Thank you from "My Mothers Always Being Me (Being Me)for the award the 'Versatile Blogger' and sunshine awards.
You have to do some 'soul searching' for this one ..

The rules for " The Versatile Blogger" award are:

1. Thank the person who gave you this award.

2.. Share 7 things about yourself.

3. Pass the award along to 15 bloggers whom you have recently discovered and who you think are fantastic!

4. Contact the bloggers you've picked and let them know about the award.

... 7 things about me

1. I have a true passion/compassion for all things living (even my enemies). A desire to see it all thrive. It grieves me to think of those who harmed/harm me getting what they deserve. I would rather see them turn and face the consequence of what they have done/do. Perhaps change coarse through sincerity. Stopping the cycle.
2. There is an insatiable thirst for creativity that merges with the core of who I am. I MUST be beading, sewing,gardening, cooking, parenting intentionally, learning at all times. My education was robbed me in youth so I must gain it. Not just intellectually but spiritually and physically as well. What ever it is that interests me it is that I will intentionally study. I believe that everything matters.
3. The delight found in intentional parenting is so profoundly successful. To make every effort to learn everything wholesome about early childhood development. Well... it leaves me with a real good sense of self that I like when seen through my kids. I can often even see it in the mirror of who I have become.
4. Being self sustaining to the greatest extent reasonable brings me mission and leaves me feeling confident (not something I ever knew growing up). I live intentionally.
5. Threw some amazing force bitterness has not filled my heart. This is choice yes...but even so a miracle in my estimation and I am grateful so very very much so. It fulfills a sense of belonging not to separate myself through hardness of heart.
6. When I am confronted or exposed in error it usually leaves me very angry inside. I use this as a pretty accurate indicator that they are right. Now, I can find humor in it most days. It is so funny to me now how child like it is. I find great beauty in the innocence of child like simplicity, even in myself.
7. I thrive on good wholesome foods. Home made from scratch. Organic homegrown produce. We have a few chickens for eggs as well. Cooking is a skill developed over many years and has always been of great interest to me. The main stay of my food is a huge variety of herbs and spices. I love sociology and cook culturally like visiting a new country every meal. Eating pure well prepared foods is one of the first things I began doing so many years ago to take care of "ME" physically.

oh this is a bit overwhelming tonight I will try to get back to it soon.

Forgive me.

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Partial Memories

2010-05-15T10:38:00.004-07:00

It has been a while that I have stayed back from discussing things on my mind and spirit. But yesterday was so utterly profound that I do not want to ignore and respect the effect of it. When flash backs are only a single flip of a memory they can be a thorn in the side. You know those thorns that are felt yet search as much as you like they remain an enigma elusive and disturbing. Then comes a day that it comes (the thorn) to a head as they say and you run to get the tweezers to delicately put it out and relieve infection. Often the infection has left misunderstand and often the effects on others go unnoticed.

Being the youngest of more one hand full of siblings the realities of elder siblings and the view from the eyes of their experience can open ours and clarify a matter. There have been three of them who have joined me in knowing and opening up to the truth of what we have known. some do not it is the past period. So here begins such a story that unfolded after 45 years of dormancy.

For many years now an occurrence has haunted me and left me wondering just what happened that would make me respond the way I had. That response came like so...

I was 19 at the time awaiking from an emergency surgery to my reproductive system. The first of so many many I have endured until finally when I was 38 the whole thing removed due to end stage endomeitrosis.( the inside of my uterus forced into my abdominal wall do to child po*n abuse and torture).
As I awoke from surgery some one handed me a phone. It was an elder brother. It was one of the very very few times I had spoken with him since early childhood. I was stunned to here his voice. Under partial anesthesia came from my mouth was "how could you hurt me like that?". It was the last time I spoke with that sibling for many many many years. I have always wondered why in the world I sad that to him. I found and still find it amazing that it is left so clear in my recall. Always it has felt undone.

After the EMDR sessions of the resent past, the time line of childhood was coming up to the age that a flashback involving this sibling has been repeating over and over and it is just that blip I aforementioned.

This is the flash back

I am standing half way down on wooden steps that lead up to a bright room behind me. It is a strange thing where I was there and then as if the film of memory went into rewind back up into the room, then down the steps again. At the base of the steps there stood this brother. In the flash back I kept saying "How could you do that!"

This flash back has been so troubling so very disturbing of late that just three days ago I was in a shower praying and begging God to show me why and tell me what it was all about. I am courageous like that.

Meanwhile life goes on and the CPAP machine had arrive and the first nights sleep had afforded me a morning of great energy, clarity of mind just overall JOY! I had walked around the block and tended to a yard said meeting new neighbors. Just a real enjoyable busy morning. I was more like my old self than ever having had sleep. It was not a full night but non the less more sleep than many years have offered me in one night. When I returned home there was a message on my phone answering machine.

After 13 years it was my Brother. Now mind you this just two days after falling onto God shoulder weeping wanting to understand. Silence is a wonderful conversational tool to understanding. He spoke to me of the events of his memory when it was right I asked him if had such an outdoor room with steps during the time I was 4. He confirmed. A deep breath as I listened more to his words. He said that there was also a switchback concrete step that led down to an apartment. In his recall he spoke of the best friend of my mother living there and her husband bill (lower case intended). He said that "what a nice woman she was "...
"no she was not I declared"...(this being the woman who lay on the other side of me as her husband fondled me between them in their bed) Yet I said nothing of that to my brother.
Unsolicited..My brother spoke ... "OH! it was during that time that he (bill) was accused of hurting you two girls"...at that I was stirred and fired up.
It was at that moment yesterday that I heard for the first time confirmation from anyone in my family that those memories of "the moron bill" .
At that I cantered, "who accused him?"
"you girls did" he said...

Do you see the plural? GIRLS? For all of my life I thought that I must have been his only target. It has always left me feeling crazy because the heinous acts against me seemed so unbelievable what human being could do such things.

Now my brother continued to share and the wonderful intimacy flowed. He and I had connected some 13 years prior when I sojourned to my home city of my youth to learn and gain understanding. He and I then were at peace. It though was all overwhelming. He had driven me to all of the childhood sights and homes of youth. Some were parking lots one had a woman kind enough to let us inter and see the home of childhood memories (the event of the old woman is lost to me for I do not remember). I am sure I was there but as I said it really took me for a loop around emote.

It was again as before we have a mutual faith. All of that had been stirred up for several weeks ago after joining face book I saw his name on my other brothers site and offered to become a friend. This I did not recall doing either. Hence a contact yesterday after all these years. After that time so long ago life was a blur of tending to needs and we had lost contact.

Coming round the bunny trail...sorry

Yesterday at 11a.m. was the first EMDR for three months. It took me that long to regain my health. I have had many health challenges so far this year. The very morning that I was to return to EMDR,... after 13 years of silence my brother who was the center of the flash back, to be addressed called me!

I attended my EMDR appointment only to get there 30 seconds before she came out to get me. I had ended the call with my brother pulled away only at the need to attend the appointment. As my head spun at the events of the morning and the cries of this child of Gods heart only two days prior.

When I returned home I called my brother back asking him to tell me about the room where he was when he threw my dad out of the house and the police arrested my dad at the curb. He confirmed saying you weren't there unless you were upstairs. My mother had called the police and was hiding in the bathroom getting away from my dad who was violating a restraining order. No one knew that...

I was hiding behind the sofa...

in the living room. The very place my brother recalls I played hid and seek. It was my favorite hiding spot. I saw the whole thing. My brother is 11 years elder than I. He was protecting our mom. But to me a four year old child that day I lost not only my dad but the only other father figure I really ever had...my brother. The police kicked and hit my dad and handcuffed him placing him in the car and driving him away.
The Flashback...I was trying to get to my dad and my brother was holding me back to protect me...I got loose from him and ran through the house out that bright closed in porch down the steps only to have my brother there and I...I said to him "how could you do that!"...I ran back to try to get past him but by then my dad was gone. The next time I saw my dad I was 9 years old.

In that operating room at 19 coming out of general I said to my Brother so many many years after the event "how could you do that... how could you hurt me like that?!...Held withing a little girl for 15 years (until the day of surgery) that hard question she had no answer to.

Those many years ago my Brother had reached out to me at a time when his toddler son had just drowned he came out of his grief to again be my defender only to had had that asked of him. Anger and hurt left a wide sea of agony between us. Unspoken. Now after all these years this poor man who was under false suspicion of abusing us girls (this he stated) had his name cleared . He accepted the forgiveness and love that I offered him.

Again here he is after 45 years taking care of his little sister. I never really lost him.

When the severity of PTSD is so deeply blinding it is God who will ultimately open our eyes to understand the truth. History forgotten repeats itself.

Tell me something brave...

2010-04-05T11:24:00.001-07:00

In the evening hour here my son will often pull me into his room with a sweet invitation after the lights turned off brings a quiet eyes closed heart open moment in time. Last night was another opportunity to receive his invitation. I have found that often his inquiry is one of veiled curiosity something he himself is struggling with.

It is at these times I often have to remind myself to listen to the spirit within me as to what wisdom to share, just what his heart is ready to know.
He loves to ask of stories of my childhood a hidden method of asking "what should I do or how could I handle it.

Last night my child asked me " Mom, tell me something brave...when you were courageous.?"

The image that flashed gave me pause to consider his developmental stage when it was plain that it was where "the goose" was flying...I began.
Son...when I was a teen perhaps 16-17 years of age during the years my parents had the gas station an event happened that really set me to have to use courage. You see I told him . My step dad well he was not my birth dad, he married my mom and adopted three of us. Well he had never had kids and he was an old tired man. He had a very bad temper. I think perhaps that is a part of where my ill behaved temper began.
Well during these times stress was high times were tight my parents struggled that my mom was in the hospital. She had had too much life struggle and was sick within her mind from the effects of life and her own childhood.
My step dad well he had left the station and it was time for me to relieve the teenage employee of her shift and work my own shift covering my moms as well that night. With my mom in the hospital (a nerves breakdown) I had to work more. Well the girl who was working had a boyfriend who sat in the office where my mother naively left cash to make change with. The girl and her boyfriend had been stealing from us and when I walked in there was the boyfriend in the office with the drawer open helping himself. The girl also was in issue because she was selling herself out the station window. this came to my attention for we both had similar coloring and a customer had slipped and it became known to me a 16 year old kid managing my parents gas station. I fired her on the spot.

Well her boyfriend stood at the looked door as the customers watched through the glass windows while she beat me up and took my lights out with a brick that was used to hold the door open. It struck me across the head. Next thing I knew I was waking up in the hospital room and my step dad was calling me a dumb shit "what the hell were you thinking" "do you want to kill your mother?"
Then he walked out.
The nurses had to keep it a secrete. This town was a geriatric town. A tourist trap in California.
My Mother was just doors down the hall in a fragile state and so no one could let her know I was there. My siblings all were moved away and I had no one. The customers had called the ambulance and cared for the business until help arrived. I do not know if the girl was even ever charged. It was when my memories of childhood stopped for several years. I may have injured my brain from that event.

My boy said. "mom...I am not very brave".
I asked him why he would say that. He saw me as brave in that.

I then explained that I should have never been in that position. It was stupid and foolish of me yet I did not know any better than to do it.

This child of mine then said to me..."mom it was not your fault it was your step dads for leaving you in that situation and not teaching you giving you lessons."

Then I seized the moment and explained that what might seem brave is not always the wisest thing to do. It is for us to teach you wisdom. It is why the counsel of those you respect is so important to seek.
Your father and I ..I told him take it very seriously to teach you your path and to help you to learn the difference. For often courage and bravery look very different than one might expect.

It is what it is and that is REAL

2010-03-31T22:17:00.000-07:00

I wanted to write tonight . A couple of things . Suppose it is hard to know where to begin. Last Tuesday, 8 days ago I did a EMDR session on a most difficult event in my life. As a child of 4 I was sold for a price to be filmed in child hood --rn. I was torn up tortured and left broken of body soul and mind. That was some 44 years ago. I held it in all of those years. When I was in hospital 15 years ago I told on them but I never told myself all of what happened in detail. Last Tuesday I recalled every single detail while the EMDR process was occurring. It was like a movie before my eyes. Oh My SWEET LORD it was so hard and so painful a sight to recall within my minds eye. My physical eyes open the whole time.
I have been rather head spun these last several days with anger that could rip apart a stone. I have had to increase the medication for a few days. The other MD Phyc said "you are so blessed" so few ever make it to this point where the things forced into us are released in a healthy freeing way. Man what a roller coaster these last 8 days.

At one time the anger hit rage.
The rage triad of ...anger...loss or fear of loss... shame /guilt -hit me and for the first time the anger was mine the loss was mine HOWEVER the shame/guilt was NOT MINE! All of those many surgery's I suffered through. All of the stirrups my feet were in, all of the years childless longing to conceive. All of the years of rectal bleeding I suffered through in silence. The surgery in my 20's to repair the torn flesh. Torn was normal I did not even know I was not suppose to bleed. Torn form a childhood on through early adulthood. I thought hemorrhoids, that is what mom always said. Hasseled by my mom about it. Afriad to tell my family. My own sister knew she died in January this year. She knew about it, not the details.
It happend when my sibblings were gone at school and my mom was at work as was the wife of the **********dog bill who sold me. Living in our basement. He drugged me as the men laughed at the table as I nodded off. The other man reassuring bill that I would not remember.He called me rug rat and acted as if he was going to take me to nap. Held like a kind parent would at his shoulder against his chest.
Then HE BETRAY ME ONCE AGAIN! or I do not know if it was after this that the other event happened.
AT any rate I have had such rage in me or better said anger justified loss and mortification at the physical logistics of what was done to me. I am sicked literally by it physically.
A rollor coaster is in front of me and around me as anger hits, weeping begins and ends, then the anger.
The sickness in my belly.
You can try to forget the past but with the PTSD you will most likely just be going to a pretense a state of denial that will one day find itself crippling you into addictions or taking your own life like so many I have known before me.

The last two sessions of EMDR have set me to freedoms door. For I am having the scales that kept me under water swimming for the surface are falling off as a mermaid gains her legs.
NO ONE will ever make me hold my tears again!

All my life I have never been able to let ANYONE brush my hair, now I understand. Even after 28 years married to the same wonderful husband he knows to take care to come up and hug me from behind. It is almost impossible not to cringe before melting into his arms.

I see how all the violence that was forced into me by this deviant evil moron has been left as if I deserve little more. I KNOW know that I DESIRVE to be treated with respect and kindness. Even IF I might make a mistake, I do not need to tolerate unkindness form anyone~
I am teaching this now calmly to the kids when they mouth me, It is not alright with me to be treated unkindly and I will stand up to you if you do.

I have a sleep study coming up and I panicked today as the appointment was made. I snore badly and it could be hard on my heart and stroke is at issue as well. I could not breath and it was one of the most powerful panicks I have felt in a long long time.
I asked a very dear and trusted girl friend to go with me so I might be able to have ease. There will only be two patients but the technician is male. I can not be out of control asleep anywhere. Just can not. She was so kind she said "I find it amazing that you hold it together as well as you do".
This one thing really left me in a panic. That was the first time in years that I was in such a panicked state.

The EMDR is kicking me hard and healing me profoundly.
The binging at night is lessened. However today when panicked my lunch was enough to feed two and it left me sick. Over eating the panick. The feelings of not being understood. My husband thought it should not be any big deal. Strang that he actually said that to me.

It is what it is and that is REAL. I feel so much better knowing she will be there however I feel a bit concerned that something could come up and she would not be able to keep her promise.

my emotions are real intence and very much a roller coaster.
Did you know I scream my fool head off when I ride roller coasters like it defuses me. Happened at Disneyland. My Goodness screaming is even at the base of my chest as well.

aurora borealis

2010-03-23T19:41:00.000-07:00

Grandfather hold me near.

Cover me in the colors of the Heavenly Sphere.

Wrap me crestfallen... I am here.

crest·fallen (krest′fôl′ən)

adjective

with drooping crest or bowed head
dejected, disheartened, or humbled

EMDR was tough today

I am grieving such a terrible terrible event.

2010-03-23T19:17:00.003-07:00

I had a dream

2010-02-06T18:14:00.004-07:00

The other morning I awoke from a dream.
In my dream I was in a car with a Very bigoted man. He was ridiculing every aspect of anything of any color other than Caucasian. The obtrusive bigotry was suffocating me. I was a kid in the dream. At one point there was a rest stop I was able to get out and walk over to a bench overlooking water. Just then a congregation of folks dressed in an ethnic garb like sari's came out and around the waters edge. Very softly my voice said "I wish my mom could just fly me home. It is so hard to be with this man for so many many miles. He is just so mean."...
Looking out into the water I saw the most beautiful crystal clear blue eyes looking back at me and in that instant he was at my shoulder.
I awoke.

Yesterday evening my brother called out of the blue because he had received an email I sent him in 2001! He though to call for it was too strange a thing.
I had told him of the dream asking him if He knew of anyone like that in our childhood. Of "course" he said bill. Now bill is he who raped me at 4 years old and we have been working EMDR on the issue with a real treasured gift of realizing at that very moment in my terrible youth I learned to HATE ME.

Now then he continued to tell me that bill's nephew had come to visit when I was 8 or so and my sister 10 or so. The boy not much older than my brother. He asked my brother to join him in "having us for some fun" as in raping us girls. My brother took him outside and kicked the ever livin crap out of him. Just beat him to a pulp.

My brother then told me how those folks were from the back waters of Louisiana where women were a possession as were children. I told him how many times when bill was molesting me that his wife was right there next to me in the bed.
The last thing his wife ever said to me was many years later in my young adult hood "I never slept with him after that" I had not a clue at the time why she said that. She was visiting my mom back when she was alive. She never spoke another word to me the whole time she was visiting and I had to leave. I was married to Steve at the time. It was shortly then after that I began remembering.

Wow, the healing that is going on by the EMDR. By clearing the frontal lobe of these trauma's I am remembering the day to day living of my life. There is room now in the cracks of what it was just to have a day in the life of.

Memory of my big sister Midge

2010-01-26T05:39:00.002-07:00

Another memory of the safety of my sister’s shelter was around the time I must have been 8 ish. It is in her living room. Her daughter an infant was in an old wind up swing. The hand crank made a fascinating sound. I was a kid being a kid. Midge had given me a snack on a small plate. The baby in the the swing that was on the floor in front of the T.V. and I were watching Sesame Street. It was a humble place of a rental (?) or a small house. It was in Ogden I think seemed like it was more in town. It was nice there and she was so kind to me and gentle.

So vaguely it was as if the times with her ended like my/our mom and her got into a dispute or something. Perhaps her husband was transferred or got a job away from there and they left.
Her husband followed the breeze it seemed always nomadic. That is the sense of it anyway.

Love you
Aunt Donetta

Attention Memoir and Narrative Non-Fiction Writers

2010-01-24T19:30:00.003-07:00

My Entry 200 words

Knocking he stood, knocking at the door. It impressing me now how many years ago the impact my sister had on me. Standing there in the sun with a post card in my hand. Not that it came by mail but from her somehow on that visit so long ago. Her Husband a carpenter was simple in wisdom the very best kind. Even little as I was he placed his hammer in my hand. The nails were strong thick and long. Two by four “Now hammer it” he said. He freed me from within. Trusting me to hold tight as I threw that hatred down. Blow after blow. Even back then I wonder if he knew the hurt and the heart ache I let go on those capable nails. Not one bent if I recall as my sister there leaning at the door frame smiled knowingly at him.

That is some of the very first things that I recall staying there in that home freed for a few days from my own. My sister eighteen years my senior. Her husband felt as if he were almost her father. A wise old sage. An American Indian with a strong frame.

to Literary Agents

contest

CONTEST!

Win a free critique of the first 25 pages of your memoir or work of Narrative non-fiction.

VISIT: Guide to Literary Agents Blog spot. www.guidetoliteraryagents.com/blog/

CONTEST CLOSES: Jan 31st 2010

HOW TO SUBMIT: (copied from Literary Agents Blog)

You can leave your entry in the Comments section of the post on 'guide to literary agents' blog, or just e-mail it. Send e-mailed entries to januaryagentcontest@gmail.com. (If using e-mail, paste everything. No attachments.)

WHAT TO SUBMIT:

The first 200 words of your unpublished, book-length work of memoir, femoir or narrative nonfiction (also called creative nonfiction). You must include a contact e-mail address with your entry and use your real name. Though not mandatory, feel free to submit the title of the work and a logline (one-sentence description of the work) with your entry.

Please note: To be eligible to submit, you have to do one of two things: 1) Mention and link to this contest twice through any social media - blogs, Twitter, Facebook, forums, message boards, comments on other blog sites; or 2) just mention this contest once and also add Guide to Literary Agents Blog (www.guidetoliteraryagents.com/blog) to your blogroll. Please provide link(s).

PRIZES!!!

First place: 1) A critique of 25 pages of your work, by your agent judge. 2) Two free books from Writer's Digest Books (I will give you several choices and you pick the books your want).

Runner-ups - second and third place: 1) A critique of 10 pages of your work, by your agent judge. 2) One free book from Writer's Digest Books (I will give you several choices and you pick the book your want).

WHAT ABOUT YOU? Know of any contests around that you want to shout out in the comments section? Please do :)

EMDR and the remainder of a day.

2010-01-12T02:47:00.002-07:00

Dealing with memory is a hard thing.
This day I dealt with a process to help that memory to go from one part of my brain to another.
It is a process for folks with PTSD that is finding great success.

I did work on an event that took place when I was 4 yrs old. This was not the first time I have received therapy regarding this event. This was different. I did not go there I just saw it like a movie. A horrible horrible movie. Meanwhile the therapy works a technique that transfers the data into the long term part of the brain taking it out of the frontal lobe. Now many years folk have said "let the pass go".
Folks with PTSD would love nothing more than for it to "GO"
We try all sorts of trick. It is stuck however and it is not a matter of intellectually letting it go. Trust me it would all be gone if it were.
Body memories are a terrible thing cellular we hold within our beings instances in time that are locked into existence. Like when you smell a flower that is familiar and your mind goes to the time when a beloved gave you a bouquet of them.
I wish the flowers of life past were so pleasant but alas they are not. they are so not...
I am up this night at 2 a.m. I had a wonderful day today despite the fact that my sister died last week. She was the one who had the courage and was getting the help at the time and came forward to confirm my childhood. She was 18 years my elder.I have peace at her passing for there was nothing let undone between us.

I have locked into a little metal lock box rusted from being berried under grown all of the work that I did today. Waiting to think on or focus the thoughts of the filled in recall until the next time. I have to work on this even every few moments. Gaps were filled in today gaps that I never told a soul. Gaps that I locked up into the very heart of a child soul killed.
I was profoundly moved by the way I as a child responded to myself. With self hate and blame despising me.

It was surreal that as I walked out of the bathroom at the clinic that a 4 year old child sat there by the door. I have NEVER seen a child there. One time Dove had to sit in the tiny lobby and wait for me attended. That was the only time I knew or saw a kid there. I was touched by what the little girl looked like she was so sweet and beautiful, her hair combed and nice clothing on her. I thought this is not a coincidence that a 4 year old is sitting right there as I walked out to the lobby. After session I went into that tiny bathroom and sobbed. I sobbed. I breathed deeply and got some composure. Walked out of that bathroom and right there was an example of what it looked like to be a 4 year old girl child. my heart was so swollen with so many feelings horror dismay she was so sweet sitting there with so much promise and innocence. Mine was robbed me.

I am up tonight trying to keep all of that in that little metal box locked up until next time. Trusting that eventually with the EMDR that it will become less and less raw. Trying to ignore and pass through the physical pains this morning of body memory. Trying not to throw up. Trying not to react and remember that "it is no wonder". That I am alright this is just a phase of recovery to walk through.

Had it not been for all the work over the years I would of never been able to be at this place. The tools and knowledge I have gained and practiced over these long years set me to be able to do this work. It will be long and tedious work.

I had the strangest thing however today. A friend had watched the kids for me after school. When I went to get them home I was still spinning. I had talked my way home literally. Turn here, OK your alright , keep those things in the box. I had JOY this afternoon evening. I brought the kids home fixed a meal for each and had joy! joy! I has been a while. My husband went to a new men.s group tonight he adventured out to see about relating to others. That was huge for him. He was taking care of his heart. I was over joyed to support him in that I knew I could care for me. I realized a bit today how amazing I am at taking care of myself.
I made it through so many terrible horrific events and am here and not dead at my own hand or another.

I parented so lovingly. Helped my children peaceful complete homework, had wonderful exchanges with them. Tending the bed time ritual. Ready them a story and then some praise poetry. Poetry I read my kids poetry. I tried to lay beside my special needs child to help her to sleep in her own bed. It is a transition for her. At 1 a.m. I had her come back to sleep on her palat. My back was just in too much pain. I had taken pain meds before I laid down but by then they wore off. I took some more before this post. Soon I trust it will take the edge off my physical pain.
Keeping those things locked away is helping the pain in my heart stay at bay but I am so astounded at the data of the work I did today. Gaps that were filled in that I always get left out, the second by second of the event. This day has left me profoundly compassionate toward myself. It has also given me a great respect for who I am. I am really amazing. The things I lived through. The faith that I can hold in a God that many resent for the abuse they suffered at mans/woman's hands.
To be able to go through that and to go to God with and for that very comfort that no one else can give me right now. With everything in the box. Letting this woman child live by choice with it locked away. Exercising the act of keeping it there until next visit. We who survived and go one to learn to thrive are a truly amazing people.

I started a new medication in addition to the anti depressant that targets cognitive, I began a preventative medication for the anxiety. It is really helping with the flooding of the cortisol from the stress disorder. I feel so much better and more even. Stress of day in day out is lessened so much because I am able to more congruently manage it. So much less reaction to it now that I really feel better about myself all around. My parenting has improved so much I am so much calmer with my kids.

PTSD and Anxiety distroys the brains natural functions

2009-12-29T19:52:00.006-07:00

There is a hope! The severity of the PTSD I live with has caused me to have neurological consequences to living in high flight or fight mode for so many years. Every thing from Stress related memory laps to reactionary ill temperament under stress that leads to depressed feeling of behavior that is not in line with my heart or who I really am.

Yesterday after all the many tests ruling out the other causes it is noted that with 80% or so certainty it is the PTSD that is so ill effected my health.
The VA has known about a dug used for seizure disorders that had an amazing effect well a side effect...it makes the area of the brain that is neurologically associated with the flight fight mechanism ease. This ease in effect gives the brain rest. A rest that can cause the PTSD effects of daily life, memory of events and reactionary adrenalin reactions to calm. Giving the brain a break a rest as it were so that your functioning can become normal to the environment. Funny thing that this is the only side effect other than in 5% of folk a rash can occur.
I am on my second day of the first level of the ladder amount build u that will occur over the next few weeks.

I have never been so able to be so calm. I CAN THINK! In the middle of the kids acting nuts I was able to calming reason and express ideas without reactions or stress build ups. It was so cool!
I am not sedated. It just feels like that storm of stress is backed off.
Thinking and cognitive function is often aided with anti depressants in the other center of the brain that is governed with aids of dopamine. This is different, it is actually calm. Most of the anti anxiety drugs are like narcotic so I would not use them unless I was in a real bad way. So to now I will use both the antidepressant to aid in the dopamine production and uptake , and this other to aid in this neuro chemical. I forgot the name of it.

With Anxiety another area of the brain is enacted. This is rarely addressed. My MD PHYC works a great deal with VETS and has used this treatment for many years. I responded poorly to him a few years ago in my journey thinking that he did not believe me or thought I was crazy because he would not treat me until the dementia was ruled out. He just was being careful not to treat me for something I might not of had. I misunderstood him and was in my wound unable to think clearly with out the suspect mentality of a survivor. The VETS are denied this medication for the manufacturers marketed it for seizure disorders because they can make more money on it so the most of us never learn of it. The VA will not even recognize when he prescribes to his patients that it has this side effect VETS NOT LIVING IN THE PTSD! Folk like me who do not comet suicide could even heal and be normal in the ability to think function without such a daily struggle.

The medication is lamictal odt
25mg for a week one a day
next week 50mg then wk 3 75 mg and so on until the level is one that has the norm that is acceptable and ease of function restored. I will still have the clonazopine for bad stress episodes.

Now when the brain is left in this stress state...then the stress leaves the relax of the neuro pathways floods it and a migraine happens. This is often what I experience. This is a dream come true and the neurologist will be so very delighted that the damage occurring will be curtailed.

I saw him yesterday. Two days on the lowest dose.
I am so much more myself and who I am in my heart without always feeling like I am fighting to be what my heart says I am. Acting how my heart desired .I was awesome today. Non addictive. It is hoped and has been his experience that the neuro pathways have actually been healed to some degree over a two year period of time. That the brain can actually heal.

There is so much hope.

good news on Eddie and Denise

2009-12-25T16:05:00.002-07:00

Christ mas
Miracles are a part of the greatest story ever lived

Dear Ones
A very exhausted over joyed Denise called to tell us all...
Some how :)
Eddie has full conscientiousness.
He is with us cognitively.
His legs yet effected but the seizures did not take him.

He was sitting before her talking to her.

She with all and deepest gratitude thanks each and every one of you for your prayers.
Pray for her heart.
Her sister was unkind, Denise is wounded by the ill treatment that she was shown.

She is however rejoicing as I have instructed her to let her spirit and mind rejoice and worship but to let her body rest and be still.
She has not slept for several days and has also been ill.
I will keep you updated as I am.
Thank you all
Donetta

Christmas Love Prayer...Eddie and Denise need it

2009-12-25T09:51:00.001-07:00

Good Morning A Blessed Christmas
Eddie is alive this Morning your prayers were so embraced.

Update

I just received a call from Denise.
The torment of the last few hours has been excruciating for her.
She discribes the events as the worst thing that she has ever seen.

Her sister arrived last night, she is also a diabetic.
Denise ended up in the ER her blood sugar spiked and she was vomiting .
As soon as she would ease the same thing began with her sister.
Eddie was in a room and she could not get to him for the ER would not let her.
She convienced them not to admit her and to just let her see her husband and that that would ease her distress.
Eddies blood pressure spiked I mean really spiked!
At one point she got released from the ER and got back to him.
He was awake, unable to walk without a walker.
Dragging his legs.
She saw he was sweating so she got a cloth.
As she turned he said that he felt he was going to vomit and just at the very moment he fell back into her arms and began to seize they called in a trauma team and resesitated him.
She was ask to leave the room to a waiting room where her sister then fell ill to high blood sugar levels and DENISE had to car for her.

I have told Denise to ask a nurse to tell her sister to leave.
Eddies people are coming, I told Denise to have the nurse talk with them and tell them that your strength is limited and to not ask her all the details.
I told Denise that each time she repeats it it is like being punched in the heart.

She has not been able to stay with Eddie, only allowed to go in ever few hours.
He has been sleeping she has not seen him conscious sense before the seizures.

I am tempted to take up a fund and see if we can fly me out there and rent a car to be with her.
Steve has off till the 4th. I would have child care. The funding is an issue. I am in Arizona.
Please continue to pray.
I read several of your comments to her a few moments ago and it really strengthened her spirit.
Thank you all for your continued prayers.
Donetta at A Life Uncommon

Urgent Prayer For Eddie (Love Bug)

2009-12-23T19:52:00.001-07:00

Urgent Prayer For Eddie (Love Bug)

I am typing this for Denise of Shortybears Place she is on the phone with me now

Eddie has had a stroke and is in hospital under observation. They were unable to get the stroke medication in time. So far they have done a CAT scan and a MRI and other test are being awaiting . His leg is effected. He is able to speak. This is written at 9:30 p.m. TN time

He is in Memorial Hospital Chattanooga TN. She is alone so if any friends are able please consider coming to her side. He is being moved to room momentarily.

This is written by Donetta of A Life Uncommon and she can be reached through me.

When the walls shake the fault is exposed

2009-12-14T19:08:00.000-07:00

At 18 years of life the old folks (my parents) left. I stood there with my boyfriend on the side walk as they drove away. A vow had been made.
18 I am out of here just hang on 18 I am out of here. Get my high school deploma and get away. Well it was they who got away I turned 18 they were done. Finished being parents they just up and moved away to another state, as did my boyfriends folks the very same week.
My boyfriend was the son of a couple that my parents drank with. The two sets of parents paired us off.

After some time I was hired on in a bank that held ties with a friend of a friend of my boyfriends parents.
I had been working there a few months when the phone call came in. A sister in law called me at work to tell me that Bill had died. She was under that understanding he was so wonderful. Bill only ever spoke of me like I was the best kid in the world, because I kept his dirty secrete out of fear of fall out from my parents if I ever upset them.

"Bill is Dead" her voice spoke.

All I remember is setting the phone down and walking away from my station into the bathroom back by the vault. I was found slamming my head against the tile walls. I had had a mental break down. They all thought it was because I loved dear old uncle bill so much.
I then slipped into using drugs to numb my pain. I went away into the nature and into physical worship, tanning and nutrition health foods. Eventually into relationship with Christ. I met God through the Bibile that she gave me.
At his death the fault line cracked. Just like those monthly earthquakes, so common during the late 1970's in Southern California, they shook the stock shelves around me. My walls shook and it all came falling to the ground. All the resources for survival, all the crazy mixed up realities of youth were shaken to my core. I lost function and soon lost the job at the bank. My boyfriend and I were together two years. I had worked hard up the ranks to teller. I was emotionally unable to be employed. We moved out to the Desert Hot Springs area. At my teller window a woman named Amelia Curry left a bible. It was my first bible I ever owned. It was the beginning of understanding life's truth.

I saw Heleen many years later after I had married. She was visiting my mom and her husband. She only said one thing to me...this before the memory came a few years later. I thought it so odd of her to say at the time.
She died not long after that. She said "I never slept with him, and I will not sleep with my present boyfriend either.". It was so odd. I thought at the time perhaps she thought I condemned her in my Christianity for cohabitation. She knew I knew bill was evil. She said nothing else to me that visit . That was said outdoors on the way into my moms place. She never spoke another word to me. She died soon after that.

I was always alone in my family and often thought poorly off for not honoring these people.
My own sister was so loved by this man as per her word he was so kind to her. He never harmed her.

Tricky slick evil, confuse the core of the family and no one will ever believe the truth. No one in my family ever knew or believed me once they did know what he did to me.

These people followed us in almost every move we made. Year after year.
This is how the evil works in darkness. Keep the deeds done in darkness and they will be hidden. If a child tries to shine a light folks raise him up on a bussel to shine bright. Never disregard the light of a child.

you can never risk letting anyone care for you or you will be betrayed

2009-12-14T15:10:00.003-07:00

So can anyone relate to this?

The roots of such lies run deep and tear up the soil around them when you pull them out.

The very first memory I ever had when I started recovery was dealt with a bit today. It has a lot more work to go. It was the only thing I could remember of my life before 16 years of age. This memory began my recovery some 17+ years ago. Healing happens in layers when you live a youth like mine.

I trusted as a child. It was the first time. A father figure of sorts that my mother allowed to live in our basement with his wife. Now my siblings were at school most of the days, I was home while my mother worked at a Cafe. The wife of the couple worked with my mom I think at the cafe. So the two of them left early. The other kids all were sent off to school. At four years of age I was at home. Hiding in my closet praying that Uncle Bill would not find me.
Now Uncle Bill to a four year old was full of magic and it was in his pocket. Laughter would erupt as we played. He acted so kind and loving I was an innocent child then. All of the other kids only saw this side of Uncle Bill perhaps minus the magic in his pocket.
Left in his care during the day for I think he was on disability or some sort of thing. As a poor child of a single mother with many children this seemed to work out well for the family. Of course my mother felt real obligated to show exceeding gratitude to Uncle Bill and Aunt Helene.
Magic was a real fun time for me for no other father figure ever showed me such attention and delight. One day while in his care he became the son of hell he was hiding under the disguise of a friend.While tending to my bath time demanded I understood the magic. Terrified fighting kicking and backing away on the floor I failed at getting away from him. I was FOUR years old.
That was the very first memory I had in my adulthood. There was nothing good or bad from 16 years of age back until one day when I asked God to show me when I lost my virginity.

Oh the days when my mother would razz me over sleeping in their bed down in the basement.
What she did not know (or would not listen to me when I tried to defend myself) was I had no idea of how I got there early on in the pattern. The mystery was solved one night when I refused to fall asleep. I had just enough of being harassed over something I did not do. It was Bill who would carry me from my bed down those basement steps and put me in their bed. He would molest me while his wife Helene was laying there on the other side of me KNOWING what he was doing. As long as he left her alone she allowed it to happen. I would hide in my closet while the kids left for school. Hoping that he would not find me.

One day after I had fallen asleep in the closet I was lifted out of it by him. He and another son of hell was taking me into the basement. There were what seemed to me crazy white umbrellas. The men made me drink a nasty drink. I was four years old! I was their star. I could hear them saying that she would not remember any of it. I made a vow that day to force myself to do so. I remembered saying it in my head over and over and over again while horrid things were being done to me under those bright lights. As that son of hell gave direction.

Oh to you sons of hell they remember oh so well.
God remembers too you sons of hell and that is a better place even than what awaits you.

Betrayal of trust is a wound that will heal with help. Message of the lie is not only are you of no value. You do not matter and you better never let your self matter to anyone ever again for betrayal awaits you.

You sons of hell you who destroy the ability of those you hunt with evil intent. You sons of hell.

I win! I remembered and I told on you. God knows. I will now no longer let you succeed in destroying my ability to matter.
I matter. I can take care and risk to matter to others too. You loose you bastards of all that is deviant, devoid of compassion.

Anger offers this gift
power
I take my power back!
I am a powerful woman. My God is so powerful in me that you will never win and I did remember and I did tell on you. That little girl grew up, no thanks to you sons of hell. You loose!

Better it would be for them that a noose would be around their neck and thrown into the deepest sea.

Gaining ground giant steps

2009-12-13T23:54:00.004-07:00

Gaining a sense of Safety by addressing Attachment Deficient Disorder.

I have lived a life trying to keep myself safe through being set apart. Believing that I never really belonged here on this earth. I thought I was a mistake. I knew about what the scripture had said and that got me through. Faking it until I made it. Faking it to gain the acceptance of the church-ed folk kept me trying to belong. I never really ever felt safe. Although I knew by an act of faith that Jesus accepted and understood all that I was going through. I was broken and it took gaining insight into what that brokenness was to heal or at least begin to heal the ability to let my self attach. To begin to understand that I am safe.
I did keep my self safe many years of many horrid things. God yes was who kept me, but he taught my spirit and soul to do so. I did make it out, but my lack of maturation in the simple ability to bond to truly bond with other was at a broken infantile stage. I am progressing along in this at great speed. You know we perish just because of a lack of knowledge. I never cry and I though about this...I did keep myself safe if I would of cried then it would of been much much worse for me. By not crying I kept safe from more of the wrath that I so wanted away from. Understanding that I am keeping myself safe helps to remove some of the padding I keep around me as a false safety net.

Gaining a sense of the self has been addressed by studying the difference between ...living with the idealized dream of life verses the acceptance of the reality called my life. Letting go of the ideal to embrace the reality. Is a very strange concept but it makes perfect sense really. I focused on what I wanted...A Life Someday...Well the question was offered up to me sometime ago.

"When will you know that you have done that?"
Life killed the Ideal that I had. This is not a bad thing. The ideal must die to accept the reality. No matter the reality unless accepted it will nor can it ever be changed. I kept trying to make life adjust into the ideal and it just plane wore me out into despondency.

That really started a rolling of understanding that if I had accomplished that goal I had set out for why did it not look like it. I had this ideal of what my life would look like. I kept that before me both day and night. All those years when all of the horror around me meant to take that promise from me. When beaten, when raped and when tortured. When neglected wishing that my parents might notice me.
"when I grow up I will...give myself a life someday I promise" That literally was a mantra, a place I went into when the body endured what nobody should ever even know about.
Well I would just be perfect and make it perfect. Not to ever let my life be like it was then but the polar opposite.
I had to face a painful blow not unknown to those of us who were dis attached to this world through the lack of bonding into to it due to abuse.
Because the life I fought so hard for was not that ideal I kept pushing on trying to make it look like that (I think this is a great root of much of the dissatisfaction in the world that leads to many a divorce).
The Ideal verses the reality

I succeeded in giving me that life someday that I promised. I am a wife of 27 years to a wonderful man who is imperfect (no you can not create them into what the ideal wants them to be). Often they have their own ideal to let go of. I have two great kids (yes I so failed the ideal) . I wish I were so much better a mom. That my children were better mannered ect. I have perfected the art of homemaking into a science, it is still not the ideal. Reality is that it is what it is a wonderfully imperfect home. Now I can rest, before...no never was it good enough. I had to either kill myself with effort or exhausted feel like I was a failure. All because I could not measure up to an Ideal.
Reality is My family is not an ideal (close to it HA smile) no really I had this value assessed to moral codes and such. Being married my husband always felt he let me down in this/ I think many mates feel terrible about not measuring up to a persons ideal they really want to please us but they also really just want acceptance too. The kids must of felt this way too to some degree. Mom Me came off like a prude in order to just try to form this Idealized view of what a family of my dreams will look like. It made them all a bit miserable and truly and unintentionally unaccepted. Oh what if we were embarrassed by the judgments of others we then constrain each other into little robots of acceptable performance.
Learning to take action once reality is accepted to create what you desire it to become. As best as your able too. I have a life and I have accomplished it.
Where change is needed it can be accomplished from a proper motive.
I have struggled to be the best wife, homemaker, mom that I can be. I wanted to be the best friend but it never looked like it did in my mind...the idealized image that one day I would attain if I just fought for it.

Thankfully life is to be lived not fought through.

Yet in doing so the idealized view no longer serves us once we live and let go of just surviving.
The stress that striving for that ideal, the damage to my self view as a failure no matter how hard I tried.
Now I am free to see my true success and learn to accept my true failures. In this context however failure is just another opportunity to set a mission to become more competent in this life.

Gaining affiliation. Striving for a sense of affiliation a sense of belonging. Believing the lie that "no one will ever be there for me to "take Care of me" no matter how hard I search to find that. It is not the job of anyone to take care of me. It is true that holding onto that childhood wish for someone to care about me crippled me. It set me up as a failed friend for I could never really be autonomous in friendship. It is in letting go of that lie that the truth is...It is I who must learn to take care of me. It is also for you not me to take care of you.

I did not know how to take care of me. I faked it through out my many years of adulthood. But secretly longed for a someone anyone who would care for me and feed me and tend to me like a parent might. Of course this is not reality. Although through many events of my adult hood friends have loved me. This was always the only time I could ever cry. Literally when someone came to care for the kids after a surgery or injury I would feel so ashamed. I knew that it was embarrassing and immature to want it. Certainly there was nothing wrong in receiving the help given. It always felt however like a deep need filled that confused me.

I understood the years of looking at others to see how they did life. I would watch folks that I admired. Always looking as it were for a mentor of sorts. Once or twice asking for one only to see human nature take over in them and it go to their heads. I would be left feeling like I had really embarrassed myself and I'll never ask again.
Recently I asked a wonderful friend and she did not treat me like some unintelligent child. She told me what her morning routine looked like. Step by step. See I had figured a lot out in my 48 years but there were voids that I had left as insignificant for they had to do with taking care of me. Or simple self care things that I had never witnessed as a part of family daily routine.
I never really had an example of that growing up. It just became a part of who I am or was.
For a week I tried to do it like another and for the first time I saw an amazing change in my stress level, the quality in my parenting was wonderful. Morning became relaxed and fun. All because of an example of what it looked like to take care of myself in the morning.

I belong to me.

I need me to be here for myself.
Loving others as Jesus loved me...I have loved others with such intensity. Imagine if I learn to love my own self like that? What if I were as accepting of my own flaws, what if it changed those dark secrete criticisms I have over others that I often feel so ashamed and guilty for. That is just a reflection of how I am not accepting of my own soul. Pretty profound stuff.
There was always a Vail as it were between me and the world, the people in it. Even those in my a mediate family. My husband and children too. If I let them in?
There have been times in my life of boundlessness that have left me vulnerable. Who was there for me then? Not me. See it effects things pretty basic.

Gaining a sense of Mission. Behold all things become new. It is not just something to count on as a promise of scripture. It is a promise to act on. Faking becoming new through actions only is not the same as the heart change of really becoming new. It takes work. Hard honest work. Facing the way we are and why. Then learning who we long to be and how to do it. Then being willing to do the work to do so. What is your purpose? It has been my mission to become whole.
Gaining Competency in what really is most important. Learning how to love me the way God loves me so that I can show others that love. Learning what that looks and feels like is the best success I can achieve.

Now I finished this post. It was my mission to set out to do so. Now I better go join my wonderful friend my husband as he sleeps taking care of his own self. I need to go care for my own self and sleep. I am an important person here. Many are counting on me in the morrow including me. I will be here for me. I need to sleep and to be safe from the stress that the lack there of can bring.

Good night and be blessed.
May this help another.
One day may it help my children to better understand those early years when Mom was always stressed out trying so hard to make everything just right. Always feeling so bad about not doing a good enough job at some ideal she had fostered.
May they see the importance of working within the reality you own. It is in owning it that you can cause it to become what it is longed to be. It is in owning it that limitations can become opportunities for the unknown to open up a whole new world. Changing our destiny into who we were created to be.

Safety
Sense of self
Affiliation
Mission
Competency

When life killed the dream (fantacy) you dreamed *a partial understanding

2009-12-13T21:49:00.000-07:00

This post was written and put on hold for the lesson was at that time yet incomplete and this was written on 11-28-2009from a perspective of partial understanding

a new post to come

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living,
So different now from what it seemed...
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed...

see post below this post for reference

It is in the ashes and the restoration that the realities of all that we had hoped that our lives might one day become the reality of what we are able to create our lives to be; when those dreams collide they must be assessed and wept over.

I dreamed that I would have a family around the tree at Christmas, the children gathered at the stove or table top.

I dreamed of the motherhood I so longed for. To do opposite of that which was done to me. I envisioned a home that was decorated just so or a marriage that was pictured in a surrealist view.

When compared are lives do seem surrealistic to what we made way out of yet...so may of the things we made vow that we would not do or would not become or allow.

We often marry repeating patterns are at best often the pendulum swing making every earnest effort to stop the cycle.

When we find that we have not met those dreams despite every effort and good intention we then must come to see that we have changed our lot as best as able.

Often though without knowledge folk perish.

Reality is that you take your road as far right as possible but without those milestones of youth and young adult hood, without the heritage limitations exist.

Attachment is a struggle. In every life marriages take two and both have hearts that are broken some shattered at best.

We marry children in essence in grown bodies trying to play adult with every good intention.

Dreams shattered.

Choice.

Choice then is what do we do when we have realized that the life we have now is so different from that image that we fixed our gaze on too to survive.

Dreams are often a star to set focus a gaze while the view before you is unbearable.

Recovering means acceptance.

Acceptance is one of the final steps of grief.

We shift our gaze then from a star a point of focus to endure to a wide angle lens and live.

I see my children now half grown.

Although I have done my God proud I grieve that I have not done my dream better.

He calls to me to see that I have a loss to grieve.

Wounds that I cause them when my words do not match the vision I saw in my heart of what I would say or how I would say it.

That "hell" that we live.

My very heart broken that I do not do those things I long to do and that I do those very things I do not want to do.

With everything we are pushing onto creating; all we long and desire to become.

God sets that force in motion and causes us to become.

It is in His time however that there is peace.

We must actually accept who we are.

Including the limitations that provoke a sort of "hell" within our hearts.

That vision not walking out; as we had so many hours in our youth fantasized over.

A torment that makes us pine and grieve over what we would hoped it could of been.

This is witnessed in those hearts turned hard against a spouse when the dream is hindered or an expectation unmet.

Against our selves when we do not fulfill expectations of who or how we might wish we could or would of been.

Longing to be able to handle any given situation.

My life lived idealized.

Now twenty seven years married and many opportunities to fight so hard against the hindrances those walls that made me kick and claw.

It was my effort to form an architectural design that was a fantasy of my youth.

My life is good yes.

There is though a "hell" within even me.

Where the life I lived... killed the chance for so many dreams.

Yet most of those dreams now are altered.

They were, have been and are revised into something strange and frustrating at times.

Reality is nothing like as it seems.

Idealized life is not reality.

When I say that I am trying to say I can not change what is.

It is the illusion the fantasy that must be cleared from the view.

The idealized notions that leave great mounds of expectations upon myself to fulfill them.

I am to be content in all things.

Then that being the master plan of true happiness how then can I remain discontent because the life I hold looks do differently then what I had hoped it might of become.

An example of this is as in any union there is give and take.

In my vertual reality within my own mind the goals that I spent a lifetime to achieve have little value to those who I thought might have been made happy by them.

I thought in my vision that creating and acquiring a home and an estate was the goal of a union of many years.

All that accomplished in your late forties dreams change and unless the idealized life you wished and fought all your life for is achieved one often can become embittered or as in my case left without a dream. This I suppose is much kinder than those horrid consequences of bitterness.

Even so the loss of that dream can take all wind from ones sail.

A fresh wind is to breath into what is, who we are.

Accepting my own limitations.

Letting go of idealizing life and grabbing hold of the reality of what life is.

In so doing those walls we kick become those walls that give us borders.

Perhaps to tear them down would leave a shipwreck.

This I have witnessed over and over.

We must not only accept who we are in reality but also our spouse and children.

This one is the hardest for us as parents.

What if the lessons we wished we had taught, or what if my husband did not allow them to burp at the table
:)

Would the manners behoove them more than the family humor?
I let go.

It is a grief when as parents those errors or ideals are witnessed as faulting concepts of good intentions.
This must be grieved and let go.

If not.

If not then we must blame.

We will either blame our self or our spouse for example.

Blame however is a tool of division.

Accepting the loss and moving on removes that strife.

Strife is more harmful than a burp at the table.

It has been our efforts to address strife.

To flee from it and learn to be at peace with all men, especially our enemies
:)

Sometimes I feel lost without the idealized life I thought I would be living at this phase of my life...

It is I think in not letting go of the idealized image and grabbing hold with acceptance of the reality of my life that I find myself lost without direction.

Reality accepted is flush and full of direction and adventure.

In Christ Alone

2009-12-09T21:59:00.002-07:00

Identifying the lies that were ingrained in youth

2009-12-08T09:09:00.004-07:00

When I was 16 years old I became very ill. Days had passed no food, and then too many days without fluids.

My mom and dad let me lay on the sofa for days until I was almost dead LITERALLY. They would give me a drink and leave for work in the morning. It is a long painfully lonely story of neglect. Then they found me almost comatose and took me to the hospital in the dark of night when they had gotten home from closing the family business. They were afraid they would be in trouble with the law. I could hear them from the front seat talking.
not that i might die..."oh my God", she said "we could loose her!"
You see they were done being parents but I was still a child.

I was a nuisance to them.

The message that the darkness implanted deep into my soul.

To this day (well maybe yesterday) I have believed this.

I believed that lie that I was a bother and that I was not worth the bother.
That no one would ever take care of me. That I was not worth being taken care of,
I lived my whole life wishing that someone would just take care of me. It was a fantasy that left me medically abused even.
Then I just resigned that it would never happen.
LIES
It is for me to learn how to do that for me. Because I had no example I have to learn how and let go of fantasy it is for me to care for me.

When I was dieing in the hospital there was a nurse that touched my forehead and said

"You gotta fight honey, come on fight"

I wanted life to just let me go
When I get tired sometimes I just want life to let me go
Not suicide ; just giving up resigned like when I was a girl to just go into that numb place where the thirst and hunger did not hurt anymore.
I have fought like that nurse said all these years.
I do not want to fight anymore against that feeling, I want to remove it
replace it with the true caring I have to learn...to really take care of me for me
not just for everyone else.

This is what I am working on this week in the EMDR and setting up a memory that has only good to it.

Have a thought a place to think of when the remembering gets hard or life is a bit too stressful

Yesterday my Therapst asked if I have a mentor. Well all my days I just watched others and learned from those I admired or who seemed to have what I needed .

I felt shamed if I asked for insight from others like
"don't you know that!?"

So I stopped asking.

Yesterday a person came to mind and I asked her.

What does it look like to take care of yourself?
What is your morning like how do you start your day?

She lead me through her morning.
Get up turn water on to heat while you use the rest room, wash hands then wash face with the warm cloth. Brush hair and teeth then go to do the tasks.

Well I have always just gotten up out of bed and went into the kitchen and began fixing lunches and feeding the family. By the time everyone was out the door stressed and exhausted. I would then go to the rest room. Hair in a tangle feel ugly and a mess about myself.

I did not have an example of how it looked. I AM 48!
Just now asking and seeing without shame how to do it. It worked this morning so well. I have my children out the door hair combed and faces washed they fussed a bit but they are cared for and I have been a great mom they are always fed I just never knew that rutien. It is so embarrassing to admit. I must not be the only one out there who was not shown these things. I hope this helps someone else. It is alright to learn.

I am very skilled at homemaking, and at being a wife and mother. Just never learned how to take care of me. All these years wasted feeling shame about how fat I am or how bad my hair looked or such...never seeing that I simply (even so not so simple) did not know HOW to take care of me.

2009-11-28T08:33:00.004-07:00

These are the lyrics that took a nation to their feet

Affiliation with a woman of common features in an instant.

Many nations then came to comradery with the common loss of dreams killed.

Many who have believed in a dream of gentle love

some kind words lost that childhood to the cruelty of monsters impostors to the dream

Dreams are those expectations based in those desires for the wonder and beauty that might elevate the pains of realities.

I think this is why the wonderful lady who sang a many nation into a common bond found unity of minds.

Realities are much harsher

hopes are more level less climatic

Even for the most well exercised optimist.

Things are never really what they seam.

Those tigers that thunder in our minds have struck our spirits with the lightening that sears into us the pains. Pangs that change us from whom we might of become.

Create a vibrato of thunder that we allow to reverberate all of our days.

Even if it were our fantasy to stop such a thunder...Even if we actually succeed still the walls rattle.

Listen here to those truths that touched hearts in the inner most parts.

There was a time when men were kind,
And their voices were soft,
And their words inviting.
There was a time when love was blind,
And the world was a song,
And the song was exciting.
There was a time when it all went wrong...

I dreamed a dream in time gone by,
When hope was high and life, worth living.
I dreamed that love would never die,
I dreamed that God would be forgiving.
Then I was young and unafraid,
And dreams were made and used and wasted.
There was no ransom to be paid,
No song unsung, no wine, untasted.

But the tigers come at night,
With their voices soft as thunder,
As they tear your hope apart,
And they turn your dream to shame.

He slept a summer by my side,
He filled my days with endless wonder...
He took my childhood in his stride,
But he was gone when autumn came!

And still I dream he'll come to me,
That we will live the years together,
But there are dreams that cannot be,
And there are storms we cannot weather!

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living,
So different now from what it seemed...
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed...

For His lovingkindness is everlasting,

2009-11-25T08:33:00.000-07:00

Psalms 136:

23 Who remembered us in our low estate,

For His lovingkindness is everlasting,

24 And has rescued us from our adversaries,

For His lovingkindness is everlasting;

25 Who gives food to all flesh,

For His lovingkindness is everlasting.

26 Give thanks to the God of heaven,

For His lovingkindness is everlasting.

May thankfulness overpower you with a grateful heart.

With a heart of gratitude every trail becomes an act of worship.

Fighting to make a change

2009-11-22T01:12:00.000-07:00

I am sitting up half dim of vision with the magnification full on.
I did not grab my glasses. Wow I did not realize my vision has become so dependent on them.
Tonight I was triggered off while watching a Muppet Movie with the gamily. The CIA type characters were torturing the puppet. On it came that sick feeling of pressure, that rise in addrinaline that quickening of my heart.

I left the room hoping that no one would notice.
My
I took courage as the pillow toched my head softly speaking up.
I told him how I was afraid I woulsd be ridiculed or made fun of that I was triggered. I was sore embarrased as it was .
A puppet! having his brain sucked out sent me into a panic and I had to leave. It is the music the emote the fear that cold heart of the offender that brings it all up in me. Not intelectuallu until after time has passed and I can think it through.
I tried to sleep and can not.
the flight /fight is on. Ready for action.

Today I let go of control a bit to give my kids some freedom of distance and let them go to the park with a group on bikes for thiry minutes. I think that the stress of it unluing was a challenge. I prayed and I did everything to equip and empower them and we set a short time limit. I still really was hard for me. They even came back early. They need controlled freedom. So many parents just do this without thought.
The children act as if I am from mars that I care about my kids and that I even show concern over them.

Oh My Dear Sweet Lord I am so not in love with this world. It is so messed up. So much evil and so many creeps and perverts and evil souls roaming about. This is a real challenge to parent in these days.

It is even more so for me. Fot those of us with PTSD and it is hard.
I fear making that one mistake that will cause them to be in danger. That what if I relax too much. What if I disqualify my concern thinking that I am just over reacting as a suvivor.

I tried to nurture my self. Myy feet are now moisturized with soxs on. I took a med to calm the anxiety. I blew off the adrinaline here with my eyes closed for even with a large font it is very hard to read.
Sorry if there is unlimited typos.

My husband lost patience today while we were working in the garage. Perhaps I provoked him by felling frustrated that he was in lingering (it seamed) as I was still working. See he takes care of himself stoping to eat. Me...well I grapped two stices of lunchmeat and rolled them up headed back to work did'nt even stop for a napkin. Set to task.
He appoligized at end of evening.
I had showered and was so pulled away inside. Thinking of that ADD stuff "not worth it".
I was going to speak no mor thins evening and just go to bed without even the custmoary good night.
He came in and appoligized. In his anger and frustration he actually told me to "shut up"!
I was so angry and waited an apoligy just finally going out to take my anger out on the garden shed.
Anger a funny thing fives the figt of strength. I tore that shed apart , enptied it out and put the shelf unit in on my own. Not caring how it effected my bldy. I was so mad.
After a time with the thoughts of it take one to bend first in my pride I mustered up enough respect for my marriage that I went to the garage and appoligized for provoking him by telling him to "bite me'. Bet that surprized you. Well I have often used this in humor to express the opposition to being a mouse. Usually he loves it for he really wants me to stand up to him. This time how ever I was not really joking for I was a bit fed up. So I appoligized for it and just worked the evening away in silence until the walls came down and the ice melted. It was however very stressful.
So we just gave each other spack. He said I had nothing to appoligize for (owning it all) it was not all his to own. I knew that. He tends to blame himself for all of it. maybe that explains 27 years of marrage we error make amends and forgive nad support and go on. Allways haveing peace before either of us sleeps. A marrital rule we set as an agreement early on.
I guess I am rambling at this point but I feel more relaxed. my palse is slowed more.
I am begining to feel tired.

There you have it I did ny best to take care of myself.
Life in my world.
My life is good. Hard at times byt good. PTSD is a real hassel. Stress of the day. Angry words reverberate in me like blows that little child within still reals from the celular memory of what it was like to be her.
Most folks have spats and go on. I have a bit longer a process. That is how it is being a survior and overcommer who tenatiously trudges on.

I love a good fight byt the question is...are you fighting to punish or to make a change?
Gandi

2009-11-18T10:30:00.000-07:00

Being Me gave me this kind gift of flowers this morning. How thoughtful. Today I really needed a nice sweet smile of a flower. Thank you

Time to share this (it is a lovely feeling to receive but you have to work for it and anyhow it is a good excuse to touch base with other bloggers to whom I haven't passed on anything);

the rules are as follows:
1. Thank whoever gave this to you
2. Copy award
3. Post it in your blog
4. Tell us 7 things that your readers don’t know
5. Link 7 new bloggers
6. Notify winners of the award with a comment on their blog
7. Keep being awesome!

Well seven things about me that my readers do not know.

1. I love Cherries and cherry juice, they have a natural anti inflammatory property that helps with physical pain.
2. Birds in nature bring a solace and a peace that is wonderful.
3. Wild creatures are drawn to me and I have a reputation with friends who have witnessed so often a bird, or a lizard or most recently a little frog jumped on my cheek and gave me a hello. I am not afraid of them. I love how they feel safe with me.
4.I am an artist and have varied talents and skills with many different types of mediums. see "A place to Create"
5. I am an avid organic gardener see "Bee Bliss Gardens"
6. I love to drink loose lief brewed tea from my china tea pot and tea cup and saucer.
7. I almost exclusively ware cotton fabric, and murrel shoes.

And here are my seven choices:

1. Sarah at Writing
2. Cora Hidden Riches From Secret Places
3. Debbie from There is an Angle on my Front porch
4. Blest Atheist
5. God among us
6.Marsha's Musings
7.Sugarloaf Mountain

please pass it on

ADD and the effects of AVOIDANT Behaviors

2009-11-07T05:05:00.011-07:00

Views others as undependable
Views self as unlovable or "too good" for others
Relationships feel either threatening to one's sense of control, not worth the effort, or both
Compulsive self-reliance
Passive withdrawal

Wow It is so amazing when my eyes are opened. At 3 a.m. I awoke. All of a sudden I saw it.
The "Views self as unlovable or "too good" for others" statement. I never really saw it before.

In the esteem development it is 5 phase
security
sense of self
affiliation
mission
competency

In my family of origin I never ever felt safe, EVER! That is the foundational asset of bonding and attaching. I was the last of 8 kids, 7 that lived. As each sibling that was home in my youth left I had little to no affiliations with them afterward. Almost all of them never looked back once they got out they wanted little to nothing to do with my parents. I think that only in adult hood a few of us have gotten acquainted but only one sister and I are friends. We are safe together, we each know who we are and we both have dealt with the abuse in recovery. She is the one who came forward in my early recovery and affirmed all that I had remembered. We have a sense of affiliation with each other. Even so we are both broken in our ability to really attach. But we have more so than any of the others have with me or I with them.

Two of the brothers are somewhat affiliated, I think three loosely. They were all stair step in age.

So is it any wonder that these things apply to me. I will only speak of how they apply to me for that is all I can face or change.

I had little to nothing to use as a reference in life. A measure to asses my safety for I survived not thrived during my youth and yet even in small nuances yet. These things are those being challenged.
It occurred to me that I have always looked as if I thought I was better and I always compared myself with what my siblings did and tried to learn from their mistakes. It was all I had to go on.
Then I became a Christian and the Bible became my Guide Book. It is the only thing that taught me what my life was suppose to look like. What I was supposed to be like and how I was suppose to act.
All the while NEVER feeling safe around ANY of my siblings or parents for that matter.
It has left me a stranger to their children and their children children. And so it continues as it is said the ADD of families is passed on.

I think I found a false sense of safety in that measure and that I was better, or doing life better than what I had witnessed before me. How arrogant that not only seems but is! At least I am sure it appears so. But I really do not choose to believe that. I think I found safety all these years though in believing it. That my life would somehow be O.K. If I could just learn by watching and try so hard to gain from their examples both positive and negative. But it was the negative that got focused on because it was that that left me so threatened. When threatened I passively withdraw to try to keep safe. I compulsively depend on self-reliance and then I know the motive (good or bad) and what the effects be they were my doing...it was not going to be "done" to me anymore. I could not depend on my family, even if or when they have been dependable in adulthood. Broken I could not relax to rely on them. I had to stick to that only safety net I knew. Self Reliance and Passive Withdrawal.

What a yo yo that must be to others in my life. Especially my siblings. Is it any wonder though? We were not raised to be friends. We survived youth until we each could get the h--- out of there! Then there was no looking back for each one ( with the exception of a sister who came home from a violent relationship) She made a beautiful outfit for my graduation from high school. However she was going to have her first son, it was only a few months after I had lost mine. I could not emotionally deal with it all. I was a teenager then with that attitude to match. I was not about to hang around when graduation and a boyfriend could make my escape. My siblings left home then had to try to survive on their own out in the wide world with many a ship wreck.

Grace is unmerited favor, somehow in my adult life I have received a lot of it. Perhaps I owe my sibling a debt of gratitude for they struggled the road before me. They taught me unwittingly so, to keep going. Fighters they all are, tenacious souls. In that thought I think for the first time in my 48 years I feel a little more affiliated with each one of them. I always saw them as strangers. As each one before me was kicked out, run away, eloped or given a way I believed a lie. That lie got rooted deeper as each left. Often violent exits, and I remained there. Somehow I was going to do better than that. I was the only one who did not run away. Oh man trust me I wanted to. But they showed me what could happen to me if I did. It made me look so "better than thou". I wasn't and am not. I was just trying to learn and live and get out of there in one piece. My Parents tried to by their way out of the guilt and that made me "have" more things in my youth. All those things I gave away literally. I was terrified. I even tried new things. I got on honor role, worked so hard for it thinking that my parents might love me "if". I did not change anything. Just made my siblings think I thought I was better than them...well truth be told in the sickness of ADD that must of somehow made me make it through the madness. I am not nor never have been any more worthy of favor than anyone else.

I made better choices because I had better teachers. My siblings unwittingly were some of them.
I held against them that they were not there. I felt abandoned as a child. Well you can't abandon an Adult.
Relationships feel either threatening to one's sense of control, not worth the effort, or both.
As an adult I would just walk away. If I felt out of control of my safety it was often the only solution I knew to do. It would be so hard to make amends over and over again with the craziness that familiar dysfunction can have. Often with all of the other things going on in my life it did feel like it was not worth the effort. Not worth the strife. The conflict however of what that Ol' life manual said would press me back to relationship with them. That Bible must of seamed a hammer to some of them.

Well boy howdy I think I am growing a sense of self.
Coming down to where I ought to be.
Humility.

Adult Attatchment Disorder

2009-11-04T13:43:00.004-07:00

Attachment Disorder is rooted in childhood and, if left untreated at an early age, will carry through into adulthood and affect an individual's relationships and ability to negotiate through life.

This describes not only the characteristics of adult attachment disorder but the type of therapeutic regimen that may be used .

"Unresolved childhood attachment issues leave an adult vulnerable to difficulties in forming secure adult relationships. Patterns of attachment continue through the life cycle and across generations. New relations are affected by the expectations developed in past relationships. There is a strong correlation between insecure adult attachment and marital dissatisfaction and negative marital interactions. If an adult does not feel safe with others, he/she will tend to be either rejecting of their partner or overly clingy." "Attachment problems are often handed down transgenerationally unless someone breaks the chain. As a parent, an insecurely attached adult may lack the ability to form a strong attachment to their child and provide the necessary attachment cues required for the healthy emotional development of the child thereby predisposing their child to a lifetime of relationship difficulties."

"Depending on the genetic personality style of the individual and the early life events experienced, insecurely attached adults fall in one of two categories of insecure attachment:

AVOIDANT ---------
Intense anger and loss
Hostile
Critical of others
Sensitive to blame
Lack of empathy
Views others as untrustworthy
Views others as undependable
Views self as unlovable or "too good" for others
Relationships feel either threatening to one's sense of control, not worth the effort, or both
Compulsive self-reliance
Passive withdrawal
Low levels of perceived support
Difficulty getting along with co-workers, often preferring to work alone
Work may provide a good excuse to avoid personal relations
Fear of closeness in relationships
Avoidance of intimacy
Unlikely to idealize the love relationship
Tendency toward Introjective depression (self critical)

ANXIOUS/AMBIVILENT ------------------

Compulsive Caregiving

Feel overinvolved and underappreciated

Rapid relationship breakups

Idealizing of others

Strong desire for partner to reciprocate in relationship

Desire for extensive contact and declarations of affections

Overinvests his/her emotions in a relationship

Perceives relationships as imbalanced

Relationship is idealized

Preoccupation with relationship

Dependence on relationship

Heavy reliance on partner

Views partner as desirable but unpredictable (sometimes available, sometimes not)

Perceives others as difficult to understand

Relationship is primary method by which one can experience a sense of security

Unlikely to view others as altruistic

Sensitive to rejection

Discomfort with anger

Extreme emotions

Jealous Possessive

Views self as unlovable

Suicide attempts

Mood swings

Tendency toward anaclitic depression (dependent depression)

GOALS OF THERAPY ----------------- Identify early losses Mourn the loss of that which never was but yearned for deeply Provide closure to the unresolved relationship longings with parental attachment figures Reorganize belief system and physiological reaction to attachment relationships "Gratefully, attachment styles are not fixed in stone and with either positive life experience or appropriate therapeutic intervention and a strong desire for change adults can alter their relationships and experience true intimacy and closeness."

One form of treatment may be...

ADULT INTENSIVE --------------- 3 hours of therapy per day Monday through Friday. "Homework" assignments designed for self-exploration may require time during the afternoon or evening. Alternate models of body/mind therapy may require time during the afternoons. Intimate partners are invited to join in therapy during part or all of treatment. Generally 6 to 10 therapy days are required, although in certain situations a shorter duration may be adequate.

I am going at it as a Part of the EDMR preparations.
She sees some of the symptoms in me.
Funny I have studied this extensively regarding kids.
It had crossed my mind if I might be struggling with this as a parent.
I am.
It isn't any wonder.
I do see however that I have come a long long way.
All of the things no longer amply to me but a few still yet do.
I do not want to stop until I am the best me I can become.
I owe it to myself and to my children..

If you as an adult are struggling in life with these symptoms consider looking into it to get help.

Your worth it.

Teenage Abortion at a Planned Parenthood Clinic (written many many years ago)

2009-10-31T11:22:00.002-07:00

I know that I am forgiven and I have forgiven myself. This is a journey a tale told to a group of Medical professionals and used at a women s conference in AZ in the late 1990's. My OB read it aloud to the audience studying the effects of abortion on women.

My mother worked hard, and did her best to raise us. She had never had parents to teach her how to raise children. I was never told that pre-marital sex was wrong. My unsuspecting mother trusted me greatly. At sixteen I was searching for love and acceptance. My mother was in the hospital with a breakdown when I discovered I was pregnant. I had no one to counsel me. I was alone. I went to a planned parenthood clinic to receive advice. They confirmed my pregnancy, yet offered me no encouragement or referrals. I was never told about any organization that offered help. They pointed me down the path to a Riverside, Ca. clinic. I was left to feel that abortion was my only alternative other than suicide. I hope that as you read this that you consider the desperate need that young women have. We need support. We do not need a easy way out! The long term effects of my trauma were devastating. My friends dropped me off at the clinic. I was alone. I waited in fear and humiliation. Then my name was called, I was led to a cubical, and a woman said "have you considered adoption?" I asked how could I? Knowing my mothers state of mind I was fearful. She checked the box. That was it, that was all she said. She told me to go into the next room and wait for an examination. Each room seemed to be deeper and deeper within the building. All I wanted to do was to die or to escape from there. Then my name was called. I went into an examination room. I had never even been to a GYN, and for the first time in total fear and humiliation I was internally and externally examined. This in itself was very painful due to my tense condition. I told the nurse not to leave. There I was with a male stranger with his fingers and hands on me and in me. I was terrified. I was sent back out to a room. It was a open room with a large sectional Sofa filled with women and girls. There were two adjoining rooms. While seated on the sofa a door opened and I could see into the operating room. It had another door on the far side, and the women went in one door and then out the other. The room was small. The table was in the center. There were RN's, doctor, and also the men who carried the unconscious women to the recovery room. They called the next name and the door was closed. Then while waiting there a lady came and told me I had RH neg. blood, that it would be imperative that I receive an injection, that if any future children might have a different blood type my body would not fight them off. Future children, future children! My heart sank. All my life my desire was toe a wife and mother. Now my future children were in question. The door opened, my name again was called. How I had grown to hate the sound of that name. How I hated myself. I wanted it all to stop, everything happened so fast. The nurses and doctor were all behind masks. Only there eyes showed. They told me to lie down on the table. Feet in the stirrups, scoot down, scoot Down. ''Oh God'' my heart screamed, I was so embarrassed. I was naked and bare before all these strangers, and they were numb to my feelings. Their soft voices spoke instructions to me. Breath deep, just relax. I was going under, and I wanted it to stop. I screamed "NO STOP" "STOP", but with the gas mask on, my mouth could not speak. Then I was under. I remember the prick of a knife inside me, it hurt. My arm ached from the drugs pumped into me. The vacuum gurgled and that was all, I had lost the fight, I was . then unconscious. As I came to, a gruff voice said "It was your choice, you wanted to do it". A nurse spoke, so mean and cold she sounded. I was numb. I was in the recovery room on one of the many couch like beds. Then I was given a shot in my fanny that seemed to keep Going, and everyone else was looking at me. They were all more awake than I was. The nurse spread my legs , and put a fresh pad on me. I just closed my eyes and pretended to disappear. After I slept a long time, the people who took me there came back for me. I was bleeding quite heavily, and we had to stop on the way home I was bleeding quite heavily, and we had to stop on the way home to buy more pads. They told my mom that I started my period and I did not feel well. I bled a lot that night. I was so very frightened, and I had no one to turn to for help. I was left in shock, for eight years. I was never able to grieve the loss of my child, and so I carried an imaginary suckling child on my hip for eight years. Shortly after I carried I had to have major female surgery. I had a tumor on my ovary. I lost an ovary. I had been married for six years, and we are still longing for our first child. It has been many years now that I have been able to face this terrible ordeal. Please note the need for counsel. If my child was alive today it would be so great to know that its adoptive family was being blessed by his existence. But as it happened the life of my child was extinguished. I have asked Gods forgiveness, and without that I would not be able to bear the pain of my loss. Thank you for sharing my story. Please make available the instruction and assistance to the desperate women in this position. It is far to easy to kill the unborn. And the everlasting effects are not being presented. I know that many, many victims of abortion still live today. They are the women who will suffer the consequence of this radical act. If only I would have been told that pre-marital sex was wrong, I would have had the strength to stand against the peer pressure. If only adoption would of been offered or a safe house. The clinic was more interested in the federal income of the abortion act itself. That was the goal. Stop the population of the human trash.

THANK YOU FOR CARING,

Holloween and full moons, the early years. re post

2009-10-26T13:15:00.000-07:00

Originally posted in 2007

This is an attempt to overcome fear of rejection and to overcome fear of exposing the truth!

I have offended many over the years by telling them what holloween and full moons were like for me as a kid. Who am I, is my big question. One who lets darkness win through silence, or one who overcomes darkness by exposing it to the light. I am the latter!

Some of my earliest memories of the ceremony and worship of the dark side that I experienced here follows.
One of the hardest involved being up in the canyon at the lodge where they gathered. Very late into the night of the moons shining upon them they would begin. After the normal families left and the "die hards" lit the bonfire and continued to binge on the feasts and drink the hard booze it would commence. There was a man who was the leader. He would "all gather, lets get this thing on the road" and cheers would sound up as the wild tones would echo. I and other kids, children of the others there were in a cabin like building. The big kids would then get the little kid that was chosen by the adults. That night it was me.

Folks say that Oct.31 is just an innocent night I stand to differ!

In a cloth bag the big kids (those I now feel most sorry for), placed me. Like well humored or ill humored bullies I was spun around and dizzy. I was laughing innocently ,yet then fear and anger; they would not let me out. The bag was getting dusty for it was drug through the camp. I began to hurt and the air in the bag was stuffy. It stopped That man he was the big man who was the talker and leader of it. He opened it up and every one cheered! he smiled at me. "Let me get you out of there..." smiling at me I felt safe from the bullies. He lifted me up high on the stone table. Everyone cheered and laughed. I was so tired and after a drink, I laid down. He had a bunny. I liked the bunny a lot. He was my friend and he was so soft he was scared. I got very sleepy from the drink. They were all around the table looking at me. Then the big boys were told they had a privilege and a responsibility they felt proud,and stood there. The cup was gold and it was above my face. The bunny screaming and then silent. I went away with him and watched from the forest with the Forest Angel. She was nice and the bunny was in a different body cause the other one was being drained into the cup. I was in a shadow body cause my other one was still on the table.
They took her clothes off she was pretty and tiny. The bunny gave her a drink from the cup and everyone had a sip too. I did not like it. The songs were there yukky songs and looking at the moon. I stayed with Forest Angel, she was nice.
The body on the table had brown hair that was bad she had to be made white. The big boys made her white on both sides and it hurt her, they raped me, a lot.
The man said they did well to whiten me. The girls (my) mom was over at the fire she had food dripping at her mouth and her husband was drunk, bad drunk, over at the fire. They were praised for their offering. The little girl bled. I was hurt bad. Then they wrapped me in the blanket and the Forest Angel let go of my hand and I was her again.
I could not get clean enough. It burnt the hot water just would not take it all away off of me and out of me and I just died there, inside, no more to be.
The next day I then began again. A new girl who nobody could know . I just hid behind my eyes. I was only a little girl.
That is what it means to me.

I hate holloween!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had been chosen weeks before and they worked on my parents to allow it to happen to me.
I was in recovery for three years when I was ready to commit suicide thinking I must be crazy to remember such things when my sister 18 years elder came forward and apologized for not coming forward sooner. I had given her the courage to do so.
I am 17 years out now and I still have to be removed to tell you of the deeds done in darkness.
It is not an innocent night!!!!!!!!!!!!
Somewhere a family is being set up, a child is being primed. Children are scared for life when used as the offenders. This is done to keep witnesses silent!!!

Self Commpassion Scale

2009-10-15T20:51:00.001-07:00

Are you disapproving and judgmental about your own flaws and inadequacies?

When you are feeling down do you tend to obsess and fixate on everything that is wrong?

When things are going badly for you, do you see the difficulties as part of life that everyone goes through?

When You think about your inadequacies,does it tend to make you feel more separate and cut off from the rest of the world?

Do you try to be loving toward yourself when your feeling emotional pain.?

Here are the first five questions I will leave to to ponder...

self commpassion

2009-10-06T21:49:00.001-07:00

Having compassion for oneself is really no different than having compassion for others. Think about what the experience of compassion feels like. First, to have compassion for others you must notice that they are suffering. If you ignore that homeless person on the street, you can’t feel compassion for how difficult his or her experience is. Second, compassion involves feeling moved by others' suffering so that your heart responds to their pain (the word compassion literally means to “suffer with”). When this occurs, you feel warmth, caring, and the desire to help the suffering person in some way. Having compassion also means that you offer understanding and kindness to others when they fail or make mistakes, rather than judging them harshly. Finally, when you feel compassion for another (rather than mere pity), it means that you realize that suffering, failure, and imperfection is part of the shared human experience. “There but for fortune go I.” Self-compassion involves acting the same way towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself. Instead of just ignoring your pain with a “stiff upper lip” mentality, you stop to tell yourself “this is really difficult right now,” how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment? Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect? You may try to change in ways that allow you to be more healthy and happy, but this is done because you care about yourself, not because you are worthless or unacceptable as you are. Perhaps most importantly, having compassion for yourself means that you honor and accept your humanness. Things will not always go the way you want them to. You will encounter frustrations, losses will occur, you will make mistakes, bump up against your limitations, fall short of your ideals. This is the human condition, a reality shared by all of us. The more you open your heart to this reality instead of constantly fighting against it, the more you will be able to feel compassion for yourself and all your fellow humans in the experience of life.

Read more of the information presented above

here

the courage to meet the demands of reality

2009-09-29T21:33:00.002-07:00

This is a wonderful book to learn how to be human with a thriving adult ability.
A good read ya all.

Well I have been idle sitting by until I was ready to post.
I am getting better.
Here are the beginning steps to the EMDR process.
Once I began to establish a life time line or the event time line the next phase is for me to...

I looked to the ways that I comforted myself and found most of those were harmful and I often denied or felt guilty for those things healthy that did comfort me.

I have learned that I love beauty and MUST create it, I love music and it fills and moves me to center. Gaining understanding and knowledge groves me and seeing life form and grow is all encompassing .
When a seed emerges from the earth it is as if all the hardship passes in that instant.

This week the contemplation is on
Learning what my inner resources are...
I need to have compassion on my own self as I do for the others around me, I need to be trustworthy to my own self as I am to others and I must gain the courage to gain more ground.

EMDR is helping me to get set up through the identifying of some of the faulty messages I have absorbed through the traumas.

I see now that the anxiety stress PTSD is really causing so many of the memory and other problems that leave me behaving and thinking other than how and who I really am.
I am trusting in myself to succeed and uprooting out these lies I have believed.
Trusting myself to have boundaries that protect myself as well.
Giving myself the comfort of those things that sooth my soul.
Avoid all the things that are the false comforts, or at least seeing then for what they are.

I am on my way.

EMDR

2009-09-29T17:38:00.002-07:00

In answer to many of your questions this is what I found on the site of my therapist

What is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)…

This is a powerful therapy developed originally to assist Vietnam Vets with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It has proven to be helpful with not only PTSD, but also anxiety and panic disorder as well as negative thinking and beliefs. Studies have shown positive use for the therapy in the areas of headache management as well. It is being used to obtain greater creativity and even improved performance in various fields.

EMDR is usually combined with "talk therapy", such as other treatments mentioned in this section, for maximum results. When EMDR is successful the results are astonishing and many people have noticed shifts in their feelings that they didn't think possible. I am an EMDRIA Certified Therapist (please refer to www.emdria.org) with extensive ongoing, updated training.

EMDR

2009-09-23T20:32:00.002-07:00

It is kicking my butt!
Monday we continued with the time line and then settled on the grid of Deaths I have experienced. Many were suicides. I have a lot of beliefs about many of those who took their own lives...some I felt somehow like I could have or should have been able to do something to help them. There were the deaths of friends who were left powerless...if only I would of defended them somehow. Stood up and fought for their rights (one in particulate was a friend of 18 years).

There are so many undones in so many of these lives that were abruptly cut short.

It has been a hard day with all this locked up inside until tonight finally a demanded moment with my husband.

I really don'
t know if I can do this EDMR work and be able to keep the pace up of my life. I think things are giving like dishes and laundry clean but not put away....Threads are coming together of my childhood memories. A drunk driving accident to a relative when I was around 6 I think. Just after my brother T. was told to leave. It was he or the new dad...mom choose the new dad. suppose that she had to feed us.

So the false beliefs are what bubbles up. Even though they are false they still hit me in the belly and tack out my core. That is what we work on soon with the EMDR so as to replace it with a new belief...

If I could of just helped Rusty Kilcollins boyfriend and common law for 4+ years, Mary Margrett Mc Guire best friend for 10+ years, Leann Sunburry friend of 20 years, Jason W. W. nephew ...if....if ....and the others...so my mind needs to be restored. They all had a choice and made those choices for them self. Suicide.

Heather Jacubs off the cliff days after in exasperation I wished the little child from down the street would just stop chattering for one moment...never to hear her speak again....

A deserted widow used up by evil so called christian...Marjorie Huff best friend for 18 years, I wish so bad I would of stood up to them!

Well I have a lot of work to do on the loss through death. Carolyn's Murder has been addressed some yet the event needs to still be worked through.
Including my unborn child I did do a lot of truth and soul searching healing there. 3 parents and several various others.

The beliefs that have lingered in me have left so many raw wounds....I just do not know how I can do this.

My husband echos discomfort for a little season or the rest of your life?

Never assume your child is safe, keep them safe!

2009-09-10T20:33:00.005-07:00

My heart goes out to the parents for their terrible loss

Sunday school teacher to face death in child's killing

Melissa Huckaby, 28, was indicted last month in the death of Sandra Cantu, a playmate of Huckaby's daughter. Huckaby lived in the same mobile home park as Cantu and her family in Tracy, California.

Sandra's body was found April 6, stuffed into a suitcase and submerged in a pond at a dairy farm. She was last seen alive March 27 in the mobile home park.

Huckaby is charged with kidnapping and murdering Sandra, according to the indictment, along with lewd and lascivious acts on a child under 14 and rape by instrument. She pleaded not guilty in June, but entered another not guilty plea on Thursday at a hearing, minutes of which were provided to CNN by a court spokeswoman.

Prosecutors said at the hearing Thursday they plan to seek the death penalty.

Please just because it is Church do not assume that your child is safe. My very best friend had her abuse happen at church. Her parents let their guard down. It is so easy to assume that your child is safe and that your free do go do your own thing. I believe as parents we need to lay that "right" down.

Clean up duty

2009-09-02T01:11:00.008-07:00

I love a good fight...
but the question is
are you fighting to punish
or to make a change?
Gandhi

I heard this question tonight...It is a very pertinent question.

a "grown up" punishes
an "Adult" makes a change

I desired to not be like them...my offenders.
With all my heart I want that.

Asked a question the other day
"just when will I know that I have given myself a life"
that being my mantra in the days of youth...

I see a bit more clearly my next phase...
My offenders were Grown ups...as defined

Grown up (little person in a big body )

betrayal
Scary
mean
secretive
Out of control
powerful
liars
unhappy
Manipulators
absent
nasty
hateful
self-consumed
wicked
angry
Pretend

So I asked myself what is it I am fighting for?
And found a disturbing answer.

I want to punish because I am angry, out of control unhappy about being secretive about how I feel when my reality is dismissed.
I pretend that I am not hurt and that makes me a liar.
It keeps me absent , self consumed.
I then become a scary manipulator,
threatening absence

I read this on a class paper of years ago

We defend our dishonesty on the premise that it might hurt others.
I have rationalized my phoniness into nobility.
So I settled for a non intimate relationship with her.

I wanted to punish my sister for all those long ago unacknowledged hurts.
I am being mean.
My God how much I must of hurt her over all these years as well.
How betrayed must she feel?
very I am sure
I can justify myself till I am blue in the face
two wrongs do not make a right!
I have actually been nasty and hateful by wanting to punish.
It is time to scrub these hands clean!

In my "grown up" way all I could see was how bad I was hurt.
I have rationalized my phoniness into nobility.
So I settled for a non intimate relationship with her.

Wow that is pretty Wicked!
That is what is tearing me up!
I am acting like them!
I just can't stand that in my heart!

Clean hands and a pure heart demand me to challenge myself here.

Dang!
I'm pulling up the big boots here!

song lyric...
Out on the outskirts of my freedoms
I was looking for fences that would keep me in
and I found there were none.
Where did my heart go?
Where have I been ?
He opened my eyes to the heart ache and lies
and I closed them again.
And I want to go home to my Father .
I want to be part of where
my heart says I belong.
I want to wash my weary feet in living water.
I been away way too long
I want to go home.

Adult (Integrity, asking the precious child, protective, caring, committed, unconditional love, loyal)

Steadfast
safe
kind, gentle
open,honest
self-assured
powerful
truthful,consistent
content, Happy
Negotiators
reliable
chaste, good
loving
giving
Pure,good
Angry, respectful
Reality.

I know that in many ways I am an adult.
It is time I start learning more though about acting like one.

So Sis if your reading this well...
I am sorry for such a poor show of love.
I am sorry for how terribly I hurt you.
We both have to become more adult to each other.
I own that.
I am not going to pull away from you to punish
it is not my job to punish anyone.
I do so hope though to continue to fight for change,
in myself and in our relationship.

Now... to grow up and say this to your face .
I am so tired of letting that scary powerful mean
"grown up"
intimidate me from becoming your friend.
Every time I feel betrayed.
You must feel that way too.

Why here?
why public?
because this is my blog

This is my way of giving back
I do so hope that this journey can make your path
have fewer stones to stumble on.

As always your prayers made a difference in my life today
Thank you with all my washed hands and heart.

Empowering the Adult

2009-09-01T19:27:00.002-07:00

Grown up (little person in a big body )

betrayal
Scary
mean
secretive
Out of control
powerful
liars
unhappy
Manipulators
absent
nasty
hateful
self-consumed
wicked
angry
Pretend

Adult (Integrity, asking the precious child, protective, caring, committed, unconditional love, loyal)

Steadfast
safe
kind, gentle
open,honest
self-assured
powerful
truthful,consistent
content, Happy
Negotiators
reliable
chaste, good
loving
giving
Pure,good
Angry, respectful
Reality.

Hint when and where your behaviors catch you being a "grown up" look to the Adult behavior that is opposing and do it. Apologize. own it! and go on. Look at those adult attributes some education is in order. HOW? for example do you negotiate?

so transparency?

2009-09-01T13:57:00.003-07:00

I could use your prayers today.
I have been storming around here so angry!
Every where I look it is a mess everything I do is undone and the heat is killing my garden and all that hard work I did out there.
I feel more like a "grown up" than an "adult" today.

I stood up and spoke up and out and now am so angry that I am needing to do so.
How much easier it seams to be plastic and pretend and put up with injustice and coy and subtle meanness than it seams to be to just ignore and pretend and overlook tolerate. I try to understand to feel life in the shoe that is on their foot.

I really can understand why we may not stand up for ourselves. People we love do not see but from their own perspective. We might stand up only to leave them baffled oh it is so crazy making and yet somewhere in me I know that truth is know even if it is pretended not to be.

I heard a philosophy program speak of the three fundamental things that some thought we as humans need

our needs met/security
affiliation/ friendship
freedom

(there is also mission and competency)

it is strange but I believe it a true thing... that to hold these three in balance we must loose them... at least let go of some of them ...to gain a higher quality of others.

Freedom for example to a survivor means to have truth and have friendships based in being able to be FREE to be real. No more prisons of never telling at fear of retribution. That was the very core power they used over us to keep us silent.

to be REAL however risks that very freedom!

Freedom from the pretense is something I let go of to have the affiliation and give that affiliation...now, to be real risks that very affiliation but gains me a freedom...

To every thing there is a price and the price of my freedom to be real is fellowship with those that denied me the very truth of what happened in my childhood. I do not want to pay that price nor can I change any other than my own self. Perhaps there are other options that I am blind of?
I learned that I have only left one who I have never forwardly stood up too...I have always feared this persons control, victim/offender/rescuer switch slick and seamless. I have loved them most for they were the one who was taught to be an offender by the leaders and those over us.
Thinking the best of them and only wanting the best for them. Loving them so much as to keep their secretes. Knowing things alone in the silence of my mind is maddening. Forgiving those things left secrete has been hard but having to pretend within the company of said soul is killing me!
I am so angry about all of this and the choices I am faced with how I am too cowardly to stand up face to face and lay it out. Yet never really wanting to risk harming them...codependent? Forbearing? Angry about tolerating a presence yes. I hate pretense! Yet I hate more the thought of causing hardship to one whom I love.

Now I know as one who has walked this road I am not alone in this termoil of soul of free choice. So to all of you to all of us who try to walk this fine line of kindness and self preservation I appalaud you in your attemps of not letting them make you like them.

Every event of my childhood that was the mantra that kept me alive and from becoming an offender too. If it were not for us this world would be all savage.
I can understand what happened to Sodom and Gammora it is amazing that lot got out!

It is my MISSION to get out! to not look back for every time I do I just freeze up like lots wife and turn to stone to terrified of loss to walk away not looking back to those I love. It kills me the thought of all those souls gowing up in a blaze of utter frutility.

I fall short over and over in the compitency of this for I so long to reach out to those who are set to fry. This in leaving me so inraged and angry and removed from so many whom I love. Not just one but many if there be fall out over my fight to be free of this pretence that my childhood never happened! To many know the truth even if they are mute to tell it.

My soul is refreshed

2009-08-31T22:42:00.001-07:00

Hi
I just got done watching Extreme home make over" is was the Filch episode where a couple adopted 8 children adding to there own.
The team sent over plain loads of toys, bedding and food to Haiti I balled my eyes out.

Remembering that Christmas in Russia so many years ago.
Steve and I had a little extra money that we did not spend...
We had the orphanage worker take us to the medical supply, to a kiosk for a Christmas tree...the orphanage did not have one...
We were able to get some toys to hang above cribs and some toys to manipulate and equipment for bottles...
Those little children around my feet with cleft lips and downs who will never be adopted...
Dash who may well have never been adopted had it not been for the offer of a boy child and an open heart to receive any child...

I have lived all of my life ...and in a greater view it is/has been a beautiful gift.

I will be starting to work on the manuscript again after years of being silenced.
It will take a lot to do.
It will call up a lot out of me.
But God has a plan...His ways are high.

When I think though of the difference we all have a chance to make in the world around us
I can no longer of choice withhold the way God restored my life out of the fear of lies and rejection.
I had given my strength to it and became once again enslaved.

Those survivors sitting on the floor weeping left helpless without emotional support or medical means..
It is the full circle.
There are others some of you here and some on the other blog who need to know that your life will get better that all the hard work is worth it.

Forgive my self engrossed focus and know that all of you matter to me.
All of those babies matter...
Every life we touch can be made better different if we are willing to make it be so.

My heart faltered...my courage faltered...

There is a passage that speaks about speaking on the things that we have seen in Him and heard in Him and witnessed in Him.

Today I was reminded and am going to chose to be reminded of the things He has brought me through.
I have kept silent in regards to my recovery far too long
I am again compelled to do the work to finish what he began in me.
To share with those who never have had or will have the privileges I have had.
I just wanted it all to go away.
That was, even in my attempts to protect others ...selfish of me.
It is not my job to protect others it is my job to speak the truth and give my voice to freedom.
So in the lyric of this blogs' name sake ...

don't worry mother, it'll be alright
and don't worry sister, say your prayers and sleep tight
it'll be fine lover of mine
it'll be just fine

lend your voices only to sounds of freedom
no longer lend your strength to that which you wish to be free from
fill your lives with love and bravery
and you shall lead a life uncommon

I've heard your anguish,
I've heard your hearts cry out
we are tired, we are weary, but we aren't worn out
set down your chains, until only faith remains
set down your chains

and lend your voices only to sounds of freedom
no longer lend your strength to that which you wish to be free from
fill your lives with love and bravery
and we shall lead a life uncommon

there are plenty of people who pray for peace
but if praying were enough it would have come to be
let your words enslave no one and the heavens will hush themselves
to hear our voices ring out clear
with sounds of freedom
sounds of freedom

come on you unbelievers, move out of the way
there is a new army coming and we are armed with faith
to live, we must give
to live

and lend our voices only to sounds of freedom
no longer lend our strength to that which we wish to be free from
fill your lives with love and bravery
and we shall lead...

lend our voices only to sounds of freedom
no longer lend our strength to that which we wish to be free from
fill your lives with love and bravery

I wish to be free of the fear of telling the truth and sharing the freedom fight that so many wonder if it could really ever be won...well...now lets see...lets hear it...
"tell it...like my mother said tell...tell all donetta"

EMDR a timeline

2009-08-31T04:52:00.004-07:00

This morning I will begin the EMDR to help the PTSD symptoms. How in so many ways I wish the lies spoken over me were so...I mean that I would give anything if my youth was not mine. The denial and outright silencing of the truth by others is too much for me. If it were not for an elder sister it would be unbearable at times. Yet I stand convicted in neglecting her just to stop from thinking about what we both know is the truth.

I do not want to open myself up again to the fellowship of keeping others secretes while I am judged based on lies and the denial of the truth. It forces me away and it is tearing me up inside.

Last night an assignment that I have neglected was addressed. I was trying to find a list I thought I had and in so doing was reintroduced to some difficult documents. To begin the EMDR a time line needs to be developed. My appointment is today. I have yet to be able to bring myself to do it. It has been two weeks. I just want it to all go away. Leave it all behind.

There is a saying...
"well how's that working for ya?"
Truth is that to do the work will hopefully stop the stress form debilitating me with PTSD effects that seam so incongruous to my present moments.

There is a song by Cat Stevens...

" seagulls sing your hearts away cause while the sinners sin the children pray...Oh Lord how they pray and pray for that happy day...for that happy day."

I made a promise that if I do not let them make me like them. If I don't let them make me go crazy... that I would give myself a life someday...when will I know I have kept that promise . When can I stop? When will this stress disorder stop?

I told my husband that I do not think I can do this...For many many years after remembering and trying to deal with Carolyn's murder I just shut down to it all.
Telling about the murder seamed to of hindered those professionals, I felt it hurt them to know it to hear it. God I do not want to hurt anyone by telling them and then knowing that their mind has those images in it because of me.
At least with the EMDR I do not have to speak them out loud.She just does the thing? while I am recalling the event. I do so hope I only remember and not regress. I feel panicked. Alone and isolated in the knowledge of the wicked truth of what I have experienced and all the while a sibling acting as if non of it ever happened...their own survival denial that dear God I do not want to shatter for the very same reason.

My Mother told me before she died to tell...tell all...One elder sister and two brothers all confirm so many of the things surrounding the places and events of my youth they confirmed the perps and assured me that all I have told is true...but this one sister is convinced I think that if she can just make it all go away it never happened...if it is to all go away that would then take my very life breadth to do so. That is what it is like being near her. I have to stop being me and walk on the ground tip toed watching out for her cleverly placed land minds that set me up to her covert mind games that demine and reduce me to shut me up. How do I have relationship with that. Loving me seemingly and I think she does...but keeping the truth in her check to keep it far from her.

Folks these are the harder things often in recovery. Walking softly as not to break a denial that might cost an others sanity if she truly faced the past events. Whats the point...to prove that I am right? Well history , documents, testimony from many other people have already done that. Absence seems my only recourse. Yet I so love her and long to be able to call her a trusted friend.

Now I am being asked to remember it while the EMDR technique re programs my brains response. I am so scared to feel it all over again. The neurologist and several others speak so highly of this therapy. They say it is the governments main technique for helping the VETS deal with PTSD after coming home. We never forget but our brains store it differently and then the chemicals in the brain react totally neutral in recall or triggering moments. It is said to remove the trigger so the memory can be stored properly. Trauma stops the transport of data into storage verses fight/flight response.

I went through the art work and saw the images I rendered of the stone table and it sickens me. What a risk to see if this will help.

The Great Escape

2009-08-17T05:54:00.000-07:00

post

original date

January 11,2008

The Great Escape

Reality pens me to the mat. I am urged to pen it back. To do so was an exercise in choice.
This is my story of my wrestling with choice.

In the early 1980's escape began for me. As freedom called. After marriage in 1982 I was for the first time in my life, safe. Safety offered me the opportunity to find a sense of self. I was connected to a loving circle that had my best interest at heart. Affiliation gave me a connectedness I had never known. Four years later that safety began to secure me into the mission that great restoration that would compel me to finish the promises made during many years of torture and abuse. Those years of my childhood were stored as if a master records keeper had taught me the skill. Compartmentalized into a persona for every major excruciating event. That was how the promise was kept.
Some day if they don't make me crazy, or if I don't let them make me like them...I will give me a life. This was a solemn promise a vow of "In your face" to every thing they made me endure.
I was safe enough that those file drawers would snap the spring that held them shut with such force that as it began I would "awaken" hiding in my closet not knowing how I got there. As the time went on those files were as a movie clip flooding my wakening moments with visions of those horrid events lived and filed away so many many years before. Remembered in a survivors capsule of secured truth that would be exposed just as I had vowed.

The "Great Escape" took me most of my life time to achieve, but there was a pivotal point that is what I long to speak of ...

During a long stay and under a strict supervision I opened drawers that were much to dramatic to open alone. I had become hospitalized. My sweet mind is a gift. God used that intelligence that He gave me to keep record. Records of thing so unspeakable that it took professional help, medication and 24 hour supervision to secure my physical safety. For I was on death watch for several weeks. Those things that I pulled up from those files had to be reviewed. I listed them chronologically. I had to make sense out of the evil that had befallen my youth.
It was at a desk in my hospital room that I was penning events that had been reveled at prier hospital stays and during outpatient psychiatric therapy, that I had a major breakthrough. This is my experience of that "Great Escape" that breaking through of choice.
Sitting at that desk my list looked like this...gang rape in 6th grade, multiple rapes during childhood and adolescence, torture, physical,sexual emotional, educational,spiritual and mental abuse so sever that I had had to have re- constructive surgery and years of intervention,Sexual exploitation begining at age 4, a mentally ill mother,a violently mentally ill step dad, being the last of 8 siblings and the only one who did not run away, moving 22 times in my first 18 years of life, starvation, malnutrition, Several deaths of loved ones, deaths to animals, witnessing a murder and the loss of my own infant at 16 years of age through a forced abortion. The list on that paper before me was so painful that it was just crushing me as I listed out that chronological horror story that was my life. I was so hurt that God let me live at one point I yelled and screamed at him...and He understood.

It was He who then gave me a choice a chance to choose the course of my "Great Escape".

Sitting there at that desk, looking at that list that was the culmination of several (5-6) at that point years of hard recovery work. Sitting there I just collapsed and cried. Understand this, I did not cry, I never learned how. I had had the ability to cry literally beaten out of me. I began to really sob. I could not breath and it really hurt my sinus and head severely and I collapsed to my knees. The attending nurse, who I will all ways treasure as an angel on this earth in the form of a woman, came to me quickly. I had to be laid on my back to relieve the internal sinus pressure for my face swelling I was gasping. She gently told me what it is to cry that I was having the moisture come out of my tear ducts at such a rate that it was causing severe pressure. She told me lovingly that it was a normal physical response. She then sat on the floor beside me. She was so gentle and kind . She stroked my hair and she helped me to pace my breath in. They gave me an injection to help relieve the sinus pressure, and I wept. I wept myself to sleep there on the floor I think an intern came and they lifted me into a bed. Where when I awoke I was just in shook and speechless for what seems like days. During those days I was given a presentation by God. It was the sacred options that lay before me.

The option of choice.

For it was God who taught me the options before me. I had a major choice before me. There was no condemnation or criticism from Him what ever I chose HE would respect.
This is what I had before me...
I could chose to go off into pure spirit and live in an institution the rest of my life. He would be with me. I would have fellowship with him. My body would no longer be my own and I would be deemed in this world as insane. I would no longer have to fight through the process of restoration. I would be free from the pain of knowledge. There would be no more images and no more remembrance of what had happened. It came with great costs however and that was presented to me as well. This was purely between God and I . No one else gave me the clarity of the choice before me. If I chose this however it would irrevocably effect my Beloved for the rest of his life. I would have nor earthly future and would most likely suffer indignities to vast to measure.
Or
I could choose to continue the battle full face to the wind and beat the snot out of the darkness that had so tried for my entire existence to extinguish me. That would mean that I would have to face my offenders, remember and walk though the events that had not been unwrapped. I would have to tell about Carolyn's murder and call the authorities. I would have to continue with the surgeries and indignities of the remnants of sexual abuse and the ravage that had been done to my mind,spirit and body. I would have to continue to have the stigma of being weird and a misfit in this world. I would have to continue to raise myself and grow up in this world developmentally. I would have to continue to face the Post Traumatic Disorder that kept me a bizarre person with odd traits and tender responses. It meant that I would have to integrate all of those broken pieces called me. All those severed parts that were mercifully dissociated just short of multiple personality disorder. It meant embracing those parts of me that were loathsome and angry. It also meant so much more than that. Like "trusting the process" just learning how to even trust. How to stop surviving and learn how to live. It meant getting of the triangle of victim/rescuer/offender with my family of origin and facing all those other dysfunctional relationships. It was letting go of unhealthy relationships. Getting boundaries of where I began and ended so as to be able also to know where others began and ended.
The choice I ultimately made was not an easy one. Neither, would have ultimately been a choice of ease however. I had endured things that few humans do ever live through. My life had been kept from even my own hand (suicide). I had/have a purpose. A responsibility in my survival, to pass the torch and light the way behind and before me with the knowledge, experience and strength that I have fought for and attained.
I escaped. I made it out and into the life, the life I live. This life uncommon. This life Restored.
~Donetta

Write Away Contest
If you'd like to participate here are the rules:

1. Write a post or find one in your archives on the topic, "The Great Escape" and email your post's permalink to me at: scribbit at gmail.com any time through Sunday January 20th. If you fail to meet the January 20th deadline I will still happily publish the link to your post and include it in the list of entries but it will not be judged. I reserve the right to reject submissions if they fail to meet the topic or if they contain objectionable content.

2. Publish a link to the contest page here at Scribbit in either your entry post or in a separate post.

3. Check back here on Tuesday January 22nd when I will post a complete list of the entries along with the Write-Away Winner and any honorable mentions our judge sees fit to award.

Our guest judge this month is Robin from Around the Island, a wonderful mother, writer and blogger living in Tel Aviv with her husband, son and daughter.

But besides this the winner and all runners-up or honorable mentions (I leave that up to the judge to award them) will also get to take home this attractive Write-Away Winner button which he or she may display in their sidebar if they wish.

EMDR therapy

2009-08-14T08:40:00.002-07:00

EMDR

My Neurologist suggested that he wants to see me use this therapy to resolve the physical damage that the PTDS is doing to me. Living with PTSD over all of these years has caused damage to my body. The Hormones, adrenaline and cortisol and such that are so ever vigilent and toxic over time needs to have some futrhter attention. I had never heard of this before. So I am in search of a therapist.

2009-07-09T08:23:00.002-07:00

Look at this

Wow!That is just awesome!
I have gained understanding in so many of the people who I have met through my abuse recovery who were so wounded that I was really left to see and think it is no wonder ....I wound not feel connected to the other gender either if I had known the journey they had. These were not the folks who needed to be hated, judged or ridiculed these were wounded people who only had affiliation from those who were "of the world " as they say.

A sense of belonging is innate to the human experience.

If we reject one another then it begs the question where do we belong?

Stand for what you believe in by example.
I (for all have sinned and fallen short) am redeemed only by unmerited grace and favor I have only that leg to brace me.

Self Esteem Affiliation

2009-07-08T19:55:00.005-07:00

Journal of discovery

*I like to be with....strife free folks

* I like to be with people who...love others kindly yet have good boundaries

* I was a friend to someone when...I needed her and she needed me

* Someone who makes me feel happy is ...my husband

* I would like to give a present of...kindness...to... a wherry soul

* A way I could help others is...to become a better listener

* My favorite person to be with is...someone who wants to be with me
I feel Happy when people...are real and unmasked and I still like them

* Things I look for in a friend are...kindness, wounds and the3 way they handle them or better said the willingness to heal

* the best person in the world is......is no better in Gods eyes than the worse if they apologize and change their way

* I could be a better friend if ...I made a list to call to avoided the need to apologize for the forgetfulness to do so.

* Once someone helped me by...showing me that I was many who had shattered and yet did not break, that It was alright not to like parts of who I am and to even embrace those aspects...that's how I learned to love myself and that God too loved all of me the good bad and the ugly he saw beauty in it all

* I choose my Friends because ...they were in my path and that I
saw the real beauty in their hearts.

* I love to give....words

* What I can give to others is ...only as good as what is received

* I don't like people who ...speak ill of others with a hurtful intent

* The greatest harm someone can do to another is...remove their hope

* When people get angry they should ...remember their own issues and step softly

* I wish people could stop...greed, hate and arrogance.

* I would like to say something nice to...everyone

* You can tell someone likes you by...the light in their eyes when they speak to you eye to eye

* I don't like it when people...assume

* When People tease me I ...brace my heart and speak up if I need too but try to be of good humor. I do not let teasing be a part of my family. It is not appropriate.

* I 'm a good friend when...I set my thoughts needs and ideas aside for another needs to come first.

* I like my friends because... they tend to be real people and not masked

* My friends think I am good at...Making them feel safe

* I make new friends by....just being myself

* When I am with my friends I feel...almost everything that they are feelings

* I wish my friends would...Make more time for each other

* My Favorite thing to do with a friend is...It depends on the person...well being still together and just being present without any expectations

* The thing that makes me a good friend is...wanting the best for others

* Someone I would like to get to know better is...The person I am with at any given moment

affiliation

The importance of interpersonal relationships in our lives cannot be overstated. We all need to feel a sense of connectedness to another human being Particularly to those individuals whom we consider to be important and significant. When we feel as though we belong and are connected to those we consider important, and in return we receive respect and approval from them , we gain a sense of affiliation..Do I feel accepted?

Do I provide myself with the opportunity for group entry?
Am I participating , as a functioning, contributing group member?
Do I acquire special skills in friendship making?
Do I provide myself with an opportunity to gain peer recognition and approval?
Do I show approval and support to others?
Do I discover the interests, capabilities and back grounds of others?
Do I praise others for their accomplishments?
Do I have sensitivity toward the needs and feelings of others?
Do I plan activities that encourage a sense of common spirit and pride?

Selfhood Part 2 ... Feelings and Emotions

2009-07-08T19:05:00.005-07:00

Journal Question to consider...
Answer these for your self...

* I am happiest when...I am in the absence of strife

* I feel so mad inside when...I am in the presence of bigotry

* I felt really proud the time I...was allowed to have my car stop others from being killed the although my wounds needed 9 months of care the therapist took me into his office after several months time and told me candidly..."Donetta I have been a LDS all of my life and in all of my years I have never told more less than a hand full of people this...even though we you are not of my religion, I have witnessed you to be an example of Jesus Christ and it is an honor to know you..."
I was privileged to be injured if in any way even this one man may have come to know Him..

* I am happy that...I kept my word to myself and did not become like my offenders and kept my heart soft even through the recovery and so many trials

* I feel great when...I make a difference in the lives around me

* I feel embarrassed when...I forget due to the brain demilenation issue

* I feel sad when ...I do not live up to my self imposed values

* I feel happy when...I have a successful accomplishment

* I feel angry when ...My kids fight

* I feel proud when...I do a good job on the grocery, or help the budget by making bread,clothing and the like. Contributing and helping my family.

* I feel sleepy when...I do not get enough rest

* Sometimes I'm afraid of ...Alzheimer's

* I hate it when...I can not focus if I forget to take my medication

* I love it when...My little boy gives me round the face kisses at bed time

* I like it when...My garden is doing well

* I laugh when...snippets of wisdom are veiled in humor

* I was really scared when...I had a dream someone stole my identity

* I was very happy the time that...I stood in the gap and spoke life into a man who had been hit on a motorcycle right in front of me. I was first on scene after being lead there. I was so happy that I obeyed. I went to the hospital and read a scripture as the mother dropped her jar...it was the very same chapter that she prayed over her wayward son every day.
It was a very HOLY time.

*My Face has a big smile when...my husband looks at me when I see him just out of the corner of my eye and he is admiring me

* I would be happier if... if I dropped 45 pounds

* I felt like crying when ...I think of anyone that is dying in the wound of their heart and I know it and am unable to do anything to help..so I just pray

* Sometimes I feel ...surreal a stranger on this planet

* Sometimes I feel scared when... my husband is not leading us well

* right now I feel ...frustrated and irritable, antsy I forgot to take my meds until a moment ago and it is late evening

* It makes me sad to hear...a hard imbittered heart

* The silliest thing is...mistakes in nature

* The happiest thing is ...a contented person

* When I feel lonely I...reach out to another

* When I'm really angry I...say to the reason if it is a person and it is appropriate "when you---fill in the blank---I feel---fill in the blank.---I would prefer if you would---fill in the blank
This after I get a grip on the anger. I get a grip by identifying what I am really angry about
If I am raging I then identify the triad

1 what am I angry about?
2 what am I feeling shame or guilt over
is it real shame or not
is it guilt than am I really guilty if so make amends
3 what is the fear of loss...what am I afraid of?
This is how I defuse anger/rage

*I sometimes get mad when...injustice occurs and then the guilty person blames the Innocent

* I feel bad when...I hurt someone

* After I cry I ...seldom do I cry but when I do I am speechless for sometime afterward. When I cry I run home to those safe shelters under my makers wing

* I am afraid to...go against what seams right or in right standing

* I wish someone would give me....I way of escape from this stress disorder that would not just create another issue

* What really bothers me is...selfishness and insensitivity.

Are my traits and characteristics acknowledged?
Do I give myself opportunities to discover my interests ,attitudes, roles and physical characteristics?
Do I create opportunities for myself to reflect upon significant influences in my past or present and how these have played a role in my own self Perceptions?
Do I allow myself to express my uniqueness and to risk being different?
Do I allow myself to explore feelings and attitudes that promote an awareness of what I value?
Am I learning to make positive statements and accept praise?
Do I accept my differences?
Do I let my list of self description increase?
Have I allowed myself a sense of pride in my unique qualities?
Do I avoid equating my work with my self-worth?

Selfhood

2009-07-07T01:24:00.006-07:00

A journal of discovery

*I am best at...tenacity
*Something I like about myself is...I am full of life
*I like to pretend I...am dancing with my Father God
*I'm sure glad I...got to become a mother
*When I grow up...I will be passing from this world to the next
*If I were and animal , I'd be ...a wolf
* If I were a building, I'd be...a log cabin
* The place I like best to be is...the forest
* two things I like about myself are...my determination to do what is right and my acceptance that no matter how hard I try I will make mistakes then I will make amends for it
*I feel important when...I make someone feel loved
*I don't like it when...my past haunts me the PTSD causes my stress hormones to really act other than my heart would want to..ie grumpy or irritable
*I look best when...I am happy
*When I was little...I survived odds that only God can be credited for making me able to do so
*One of the best things about me is...my quest for a full life
*After working I...I never have an after
* A famous person I'd like to be is...I do not want to be any other than who I am
*My face is ...ageing yet is is still soft and not road hard with the pains of life
*If I were a little kid I would ...open the eyes of adults understanding
*My body is...a stranger
*The part of me I'd like most to change is ...my weight and weakness
*I can play ... ...all day.
I do not know how to play
*If I were very tiny, I would...Whisper words of life into the ears of all I could
*When I look in the mirror the first thing I see is...a sage in a vessel w in a realm that I do not belong keeping time.
* I run like a ...old woman with the spirit of a child who is baffled that the body is not working as it should
*I'm as tall as...The touch of my Father God's hand on my cheek
* I don't want to ...have Alzheimer's
*During the summer I like...air conditioning and my children home with me
*During winter I like ...gardening
*The way I'd describe my family is...functional with a limp
* someday...May my children be functional adults that have a wonderful life
* I'm not afraid to...try
* Two of my favorite things are...my boys good night kisses that surround my face like a clock tender and sweet. My daughters approach
*If I had a magic carpet, I'd not trust it
* My favorite part of the day is...the first moments of being awake
* I'm sure glad I ...care
* I like to play...by creating things
* I'd like to say a good thing about...my Mother
*If I could be invisible, I would...merge with God
* I love to eat...cherries
* I hate to eat...nasty food
* I wish I could...get off of all medications
* I like the sound of...rain
* I'm bigger than ...bigotry
I'm smaller than ...arrogance
* I hope that...This exercise helps
* If I could do anything different, it would be...believe that I could do it differently
* If I were a giant, I would ...destroy the myth of all giants are mean
* I really like...flowers
* I'll never forget ...being pursued by my husband
* I like the way I...do not give up
* I would not like to have...hateful kids
* If I were a bird, I would ...sing
* I would like a magic ring that...ended strife
* I need more...exercise
* I'm the kind of person who...people either love or hate
* I am unique because...I am alive with the knowledge that most carry to their self imposed death
*My favorite pet is a...a canary
* I am am lucky because....I am loved and I know it
* My favorite thing to wear is...nice undergarments
* If I were older, I would ...miss my kids adulthood
* I wish I could play...with my children...better
* The person I'd like most to look like is...my young self...because...I miss her beauty
* My favorite sport is...Frisbee
* My favorite place to go is...quite
* When I was younger I enjoyed...roller skating
* My favorite TV show is ...Lie to me... because ...it confirms my intuition
* I wish I could tell you....how badly I hurt in my heart
* A part of me I like is....holy
* I'd sure like it if...it were safe in this world to be transparent
* I wish grownups would...become adults
* I was really sorry I...acted badly with my kids

Are my traits and characteristics acknowledged?
Do I give myself opportunities to discover my interests ,attitudes, roles and physical characteristics?
Do I create opportunities for myself to reflect upon significant influences in my past or present and how these have played a role in my own self Perceptions?
Do I allow myself to express my uniqueness and to risk being different?
Do I allow myself to explore feelings and attitudes that promote an awareness of what I value?
Am I learning to make positive statements and accept praise?
Do I accept my differences?
Do I let my list of self description increase?
Have I allowed myself a sense of pride in my unique qualities?
Do I avoid equating my work with my self-worth?

Security

2009-07-07T01:03:00.004-07:00

A journal of self discovery

* Some one who really makes me feel comfortable is ...Denise
*A special person in my life is...my husband
*I can always count on...Steve...and this makes me feel...safe
*One rule I'd like to change in our home is ...yelling stopped go to each other and speak instead of yelling across the house
*If I were the President I'd...throw my hands up in utter despair and repent before God on behalf of my nation
*I would hate to lose* my mind mental capacities
*The advice I'd give my child is...clean hands and a pure heart nothing is worth becoming hard hearten
*Something I'd allow my children to do that I'm not allowed to do is...ware a crown in public
*The best part of my job (homemaking ) is...being owned by no man
*Something that is special to me which I'd hate to lose is...intimacy as in into me I see
*Something at home I like very much is...family
*The reason adults set rules is...in effort to provide safety
*Two rules that older brothers and sister should have to follow are...humility and kindness
*Two rules that younger brothers and sisters should have to follow are...respect and humility
*If I could set any new rule for this home it would be...no more killing games
*I think the most important home rule is...kindness be the rule of your heart
*One rule that would make the world a better place is...kindness
*The most important rule is ...the golden rule...because...It is the enacting of compassion toward self and your fellow
*People expect me to...be real
*My parents expected me to...fulfill their needs
*My Spouse expects me to...succeed
*When I'm in a strange place I...survey for danger
*It bothers me whenever I'm ...forgetful

1. security
n. pl. se·cu·ri·ties

1. Freedom from risk or danger; safety.

2. Freedom from doubt, anxiety, or fear; confidence.

3. Something that gives or assures safety, as:

Do I feel accepted, welcomed and important?
Do I share my own thoughts and feelings with others?
Am I listened too?
Do I have high enough challenges yet still capable of being met?
Do I have others who I can depend upon and trust?
Am I personally acknowledged by others with greetings phone calls and notes?
Do I live by reasonable rules and limits?
Do I understand the rules and limits and the reward/consequences of them?

Self Esteem

2009-07-07T00:07:00.004-07:00

1. security
n. pl. se·cu·ri·ties

1. Freedom from risk or danger; safety.

2. Freedom from doubt, anxiety, or fear; confidence.

1. The state of having a distinct identity; individuality.

2. The fully developed self; an achieved personality.

Are my traits and characteristics acknowledged?
Do I give myself opportunities to discover my interests ,attitudes, roles and physical characteristics?
Do I create opportunities for myself to reflect upon significant influences in my past or present and how these have played a role in my own self Perceptions?
Do I allow myself to express my uniqueness and to risk being different?
Do I allow myself to explore feelings and attitudes that promote an awareness of what I value?
Am I learning to make positive statements and accept praise?
Do I accept my differences?
Do I let my list of self description increase?
Have I allowed myself a sense of pride in my unique qualities?
Do I avoid equating my work with my self-worth?

3.affiliation

The importance of interpersonal relationships in our lives cannot be overstated. We all need to feel a sense of connectedness to another human being Particularly to those individuals whom we consider to be important and significant. When we feel as though we belong and are connected to those we consider important, and in return we receive respect and approval from them , we gain a sense of affiliation..Do I feel accepted?

Do I provide myself with the opportunity for group entry?
Am I participating , as a functioning, contributing group member?
Do I acquire special skills in friendship making?
Do I provide myself with an opportunity to gain peer recognition and approval?
Do I show approval and support to others?
Do I discover the interests, capabilities and back grounds of others?
Do I praise others for their accomplishments?
Do I have sensitivity toward the needs and feelings of others?
Do I plan activities that encourage a sense of common spirit and pride?

4.mission

Do I ask for help in identifying what I want to achieve?
Do I take the time to discuss my aspirations and goals with others?
Do I assess my present as well as previous performance capabilities?
Do I provide opportunities for myself to check my progress regularly?
Do I encourage myself to acknowledge my goal-setting results?
Do I set realistic goals that are attainable?
Do I consider alternatives in problem solving and make my own decisions?
Do I allow myself the consequences of my actions or do I do nothing so as to avoid them (positive or negative)?
Do I encourage myself to influence my own direction in my studies and projects?
Do I avoid undue comparisons of other individual performances?

5.competence
com·pe·tence (kmp-tns)n.

a. The state or quality of being adequately or well qualified; ability. See Synonyms at ability.

b. A specific range of skill, knowledge, or ability.

Do I provide opportunities for myself to succeed?
Are my expectations realistic-That is related to what I can accomplish?
Do I provide opportunities for awards and recognition beyond strictly "academic achievement"?
Do I invite myself to expand my special talents and interests and share them with my peers?
Do I express confidence in my ability to learn?
Do I let myself receive feedback on how to increase my competence?
Do I sequence subject areas in small steps so I have the opportunity to achieve?
Do I assess my knowledge of subject matter so that I am fully apprised of my capabilities?
Do I take steps to ensure assess to my own progress and not compare myself to others?
Do I encourage myself to praise myself for my accomplishments?
Do I give myself opportunities to become aware of my own capabilities and strengths?

These things are esential in becoming whole.
They are also important as parents to gain a good grasp on.
I see in the children I am raising some gaps.
It is my heart to become whole and to heal them as well
That now gaps exist and that their adulthood are sound and free from the pit falls that woundedness in these things bring.

I will be begining an exercise in jurnaling my way through these issues in a process of questions and answers.
Join in feel free...
Ask yourself these questions and heal.

The love of a child

2009-06-13T21:37:00.003-07:00

My Child

My Son came to give his kisses goodnight
He starts at my forehead around the clock cheek, chin, cheek, then tip of my nose.
It is so sweet and so dear.

Tonight after the kisses he sat on my lap.
He scooted up and rested his head on my chest.
The world stopped.
I held him as we melded together in our breathing.

The world stopped.

My son is eight now.
This son I waited 20 years for.
I never ever thought I would get to have a son.

This child was such a gift to me in so many ways.

As we sat there rocking tonight
I thought of his first 10 months in the orphanage in Russia.
How he was never held then.
It was a difficult beginning once we became a family as well for he was ill and I was given a radical hip to hip hysterectomy to end the battle with end stage endometriosis.

It was so hard to have a 3 yr old girl and a 10 month old son and be menopausal in an instant!

Tonight holding him....I just let everything stop and we healed he and I.
We held each other and rested in each others arms for as long as he desired. I could feel the energy as one with us.
Our hearts beat together. He was a baby in my arms healing, being restored all those touchless months of his infancy.

I well I am his MOTHER, a mother to him. He is my sweet child in whom I adore.
How we need each other.
I needed him and God knew it. God made a way even after the twin towers came down.
The way to get that baby home before Christmas.

The love of a child.
this child is loved as am I loving my son.

Standing

2009-05-21T14:43:00.005-07:00

When all my strength is used up
When every ounce of energy gone
Each day filled with duty
Every waking hour a gift given

Legs feeble knees knocking scared
leaning against a strong wall, remain
pressing against supports needed
pulled up to my feet

I stand

Standing I reach
up and out
In alone.
Pressing on, the gust blows.

Facing standing leaning into wind, held me up
lay me into the press falling back not an option
It holds me until the still of night
Then I lay me down

another rising of day
rise I, to stand
I stand
I stand

still I am standing.

The joy of seeing a loved one heal

2009-05-04T10:04:00.007-07:00

Oh Gory!
My sweet friend, my husband is perusing a time every day where he goes to sit and be quiet.
To Pray to meditate, and to just be still of the mind.
This is a very hard exercise of the mind.
To stop thinking to listen.
To stand before the light and just let it permeate you.
Darkness all around us will try with a vengeance to blow our lights out.
Remember that it takes one match to light the darkness.

To shine is a choice.

This morning I awoke to a song from the movie
"A Walk in the Clouds".
It is a song where a young groom stands outside of the window of a new bride to sing to her a love song.
As the tradition plays it the bride is to turn the light on if she forgives him...
The sorrow in the young man cuts him to the core as the room remains dark...

This the song of my God to me,
offering me the choice each day to turn on my light and shine.

Turn on your light,
The Lover Of Your Soul awaits your forgiveness.

DAMN HELL BACK TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-04-24T13:12:00.008-07:00

Posted with his blessing, I posted and removed it during the day. After our time together I decided this might just help someone else.

I have had a really hard day today!
I am angry, frustrated and worn out.
Now there is a stinking fly buzzing my keyboard.
What the hell?
You know that is just it
The Hell.
Hell would destroy every thing, every one.
I see them just playing dead to it.

So focused on the I that "I" becomes the central channel of attack from hell

A few trials
A bump in the road
a $ loss here and oh the world is coming to an end!!!!!!
Good God I think
Good God what if they Really knew what it was to be without
What if they really were not capable
What if they really did what they need to do instead of sink into a deep pile that they dug themselves
What if I could just lay down every ones shovel and quit digging them out!

Would I then get to enjoy this awesome life I have fought so hard for?
Would I then get to relax and make my self at home?
Would I then get to see joy in their eyes at last??????????

Why is it that our peace is so robbed when the hell comes and takes away the peace of our loved ones.

Old Manna
Old stinking manna
Nothing new nothing fresh nothing healthy

Gee wonder why they feel sick!?

whoa whoa is me..........
Hell yep they think it and speak it from hell
That's where they are hearing it from!
Well if they hold it in, it makes no difference if it is still ringing loud and clear in their ear the effect is still within the life they are living. The lack of delight in life is still in effect.

How can we get those we love to focus on the God of the universe and the salvation of beliefs, the freedom of trust in love.

NO we can not cut it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ONLY
ONLY God can cut it for us!

I have spent so many years with a soul that has such a deep wound that weeps and ooses all over those he loves.
Takes away every moment of moments present, into worry and fear of those days and years ahead.
I AM ANGRY!
I was made old or to believe I was old even before my time
What the HELL!
what the hell did hell do to him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When? When is his freedom come????????????????????????????????????????

I want it for him but I want it for my life too, for my children!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What did HELL DO TO HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????????????
damit I wANT TO KNOW

DAMN HELL BACK TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HE DOES NOT BELONG TO hell !!!!!!!!!!!
HE BELONGS TO
GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

post script...
upon arriving home He addressed HELL
Religion that separates us from the true LOVE of God, The need to examine the old manna that is choking in his throat.
I was /am so relieved to see the HELL being challenged and the introspection begins.
The battle for the mind.
Hell takes freedom as our mind closes down to truth.
Religion binds the mind. Gods love frees it to challenge the lies.

In Between Storms

2009-04-06T20:35:00.006-07:00

In between the storms now
where the waters have calmed
Trials slow for the moment

I embrace the mast
I embrace the life
My Life

It is there in the rising sun
warmth covers pain
the icy numb

Now in pleasure is my soul at rest
I think somehow
I have passed this latest test

I abide

life is an open internet..."book"

2009-03-14T21:08:00.005-07:00

I just spent the evening learning more about my Dear Nephew...I learned a bit about the circle of friends and family, those lives I missed out on. Life is a tragedy and a triumph too. Seeing the next generation beginning lives and giving birth making families. I am so proud of them.
Having the memory disorder and the forgetfulness of faces, names , even family members. The nieces and nephews, their spouses all strangers to me. I am so ashamed of showing my face at any of the family function for I was the absent Aunt (for survival sake)I the last of 8 children, whose siblings all had, and raised families years before mine. A generation skipped while the years were spent just overcoming those first 18 years of my existence. Never knowing what is from the brain scars and what is from the stress disorder I am just left to accept life. Accept myself while never being able to even hope that those who are a lost generation to me would or could ever understand. To honor my siblings keeping my mouth shut. Children see their parents as "god" in the growing up years. The growing up off all the kids of my siblings...so many many hours , days and years of praying for these kids. I, now, left a stranger to them. Even if and when we do connect I have no idea of what the spouses name is or even most of the great nieces and nephews are. I try and will get one or two at a time. With very seldom sightings and almost always at very stressful times (gathers) they have been left near strangers to me. I look in their eyes and all I can imagine is how hurt they must be by my absence in their youth. By what they may never understand.
Tonight my heart hurts for them. All the years of life lived thinking that their Aunt could care less about them. Oh if only they could ever know how ripped to the core I was when the doctors told me the only way I would not commit suicide was to estrange myself to get out from under the plague the suffocation of dysfunction. The manipulations. Those roles each person played in the family. I had to leave. I choose to live, and yes it may seam so selfish of me.
It was so excruciating, even tried for the sake of many of them to function around the family when the kids were small. With so many secrete and so many hurts wounds anger and hate...I choose to leave and have my life. I choose rightly, but what a great cost...What a huge loss. These kids have grown and now have wonderful families. I, I am judged for other than who I am. Non of them really know me. It is so sad with all the baggage we can not even function in dialog with each other. Now when they all are suffering so hard the loss of a young man who was loved by so many.
This child who came into the world only months after my abortion (done in desperation)...Jason was born around the time that my child having lived...would have been born. This young man who my sweet sister gave life too. This once little boy who bought me "diamonds" one day when he was 6 rs old. Those earrings I wore to his wake. No one knew... no one asked if he mattered to me. One person asked me if I was alright. A young man who was a friend of his. He showed me tattoos that Jason had done on his flesh. Tats that reveled the life he lived. Choices he made.
He was the apple of my eye in my young married life. My husband and I so loved being his Aunt and Uncle. It just killed a part of me (us) when I had to become estranged. Watching his life unfold...ripped my heart out , but non of them ever knew that. Non of them even understand that I think to this day.
I had a vision of Jason coming to my door one day as a young adult...it came to pass right after i returned home with my adopted daughter. He held her. His Mother and I reconnected for a time. I was not strong enough then to keep up the relationship for she was in a real crisis of life and the stress we were each under just seemed to undermine us.
To watch as his new start was circumvented by so many pulling on him to fill their needs. He was without boundary and would do anything for anyone no matter the cost to himself. I tried many months ago to support his hope to get his own apartment. To start his "independent" life. He was stalked at the time by a young wounded girl.
Well life is a tragedy and there are times when you have to walk away to keep your own life from being one.
How very very hard that is to do...That it is to have done.

Trait ascription bias

2009-03-07T21:48:00.001-07:00

Trait ascription bias is the tendency for people to view themselves as relatively variable in terms of personality, behavior and mood while viewing others as much more predictable in their personal traits across different situations. This may be because our own internal states are much more observable and available to us than those of others.

This attribution bias has an obvious role in the formation and maintenance of stereotypes and prejudice, combined with the negativity effect.

A similar bias on the group level is called the outgroup homogeneity bias.

Negativity effect

2009-03-07T21:46:00.000-07:00

In psychology, the negativity effect is the tendency of people, when evaluating the causes of the behaviors of a person they dislike, to attribute positive behaviors to the situations surrounding the behaviors and negative behaviors to the person's inherent disposition. The negativity effect is the inverse of the positivity effect, which is found when people evaluate the causes of the behaviors of a person they like. Both effects are attribution biases. The negativity effect plays a role in producing the fundamental attribution error, a major contributor to prejudice.

The term negativity effect also refers to the tendency of some people to assign more weight to negative information in descriptions of others. Research has shown that the negativity effect in this sense is quite common, especially with younger people; older adults, however, display less of this tendency and more of the opposite tendency (the positivity effect).

Amazing stories of survival .

2009-03-07T21:20:00.000-07:00

Farrel children
These are stories of the tenacity of life. Even in early youth life powers through the most difficult of situations. Notice the lasting effects however of these children. Many of whom are actually raised by animals.

Decision-making and behavioral biases

2009-03-05T21:30:00.001-07:00

It is my hope that this will help others

Many of these biases are studied for how they affect belief formation, business decisions, and scientific research.

Bandwagon effect — the tendency to do (or believe) things because many other people do (or believe) the same. Related to groupthink and herd behaviour.
Base rate fallacy — ignoring available statistical data in favor of particulars.
Bias blind spot — the tendency not to compensate for one's own cognitive biases.
Choice-supportive bias — the tendency to remember one's choices as better than they actually were.
Confirmation bias — the tendency to search for or interpret information in a way that confirms one's preconceptions.
Congruence bias — the tendency to test hypotheses exclusively through direct testing, in contrast to tests of possible alternative hypotheses.
Conservatism bias — the tendency to ignore the consequence of new evidence. (Related to base rate fallacy.)^[1]
Contrast effect — the enhancement or diminishing of a weight or other measurement when compared with a recently observed contrasting object.
Déformation professionnelle — the tendency to look at things according to the conventions of one's own profession, forgetting any broader point of view.
Distinction bias — the tendency to view two options as more dissimilar when evaluating them simultaneously than when evaluating them separately.^[2]
Endowment effect — "the fact that people often demand much more to give up an object than they would be willing to pay to acquire it".^[3]
Experimenter's or Expectation bias — the tendency for experimenters to believe, certify, and publish data that agrees with their expectations for the outcome of an experiment, and to disbelieve, discard, or downgrade the corresponding weightings for data that appears to conflict with those expectations.^[4]

Extreme aversion — the tendency to avoid extremes, being more likely to choose an option if it is the intermediate choice.
Focusing effect — prediction bias occurring when people place too much importance on one aspect of an event; causes error in accurately predicting the utility of a future outcome.
Framing — by using a too narrow approach or description of the situation or issue. Also framing effect — drawing different conclusions based on how data are presented.
Hyperbolic discounting — the tendency for people to have a stronger preference for more immediate payoffs relative to later payoffs, where the tendency increases the closer to the present both payoffs are.
Illusion of control — the tendency for human beings to believe they can control or at least influence outcomes that they clearly cannot.
Impact bias — the tendency for people to overestimate the length or the intensity of the impact of future feeling states.
Information bias — the tendency to seek information even when it cannot affect action.
Irrational escalation — the tendency to make irrational decisions based upon rational decisions in the past or to justify actions already taken.
Loss aversion — "the disutility of giving up an object is greater than the utility associated with acquiring it".^[5] (see also sunk cost effects and Endowment effect).
Mere exposure effect — the tendency for people to express undue liking for things merely because they are familiar with them.
Moral credential effect — the tendency of a track record of non-prejudice to increase subsequent prejudice.
Need for closure — the need to reach a verdict in important matters; to have an answer and to escape the feeling of doubt and uncertainty. The personal context (time or social pressure) might increase this bias.^[6]
Neglect of probability — the tendency to completely disregard probability when making a decision under uncertainty.
Not Invented Here — the tendency to ignore that a product or solution already exists, because its source is seen as an "enemy" or as "inferior".
Omission bias — the tendency to judge harmful actions as worse, or less moral, than equally harmful omissions (inactions).
Outcome bias — the tendency to judge a decision by its eventual outcome instead of based on the quality of the decision at the time it was made.
Planning fallacy — the tendency to underestimate task-completion times.
Post-purchase rationalization — the tendency to persuade oneself through rational argument that a purchase was a good value.
Pseudocertainty effect — the tendency to make risk-averse choices if the expected outcome is positive, but make risk-seeking choices to avoid negative outcomes.
Reactance — the urge to do the opposite of what someone wants you to do out of a need to resist a perceived attempt to constrain your freedom of choice.
Selective perception — the tendency for expectations to affect perception.
Status quo bias — the tendency for people to like things to stay relatively the same (see also loss aversion, endowment effect, and system justification).^[7]
Von Restorff effect — the tendency for an item that "stands out like a sore thumb" to be more likely to be remembered than other items.
Wishful thinking — the formation of beliefs and the making of decisions according to what is pleasing to imagine instead of by appeal to evidence or rationality.
Zero-risk bias — preference for reducing a small risk to zero over a greater reduction in a larger risk.

Cognitive Distortions

2009-03-05T15:42:00.003-07:00

I am going to post a series of reconstructive thought processes. It is my hope that others will find this not only informative but helpful.

These are things common to socialized dysfunction and or abuse whether emotional or physical.

List of distortions

Many cognitive distortions are also logical fallacies; related links are suggested in parentheses.

All-or-nothing thinking - Thinking of things in absolute terms, like "always", "every" or "never". Few aspects of human behavior are so absolute. (See false dilemma.)
Overgeneralization - Taking isolated cases and using them to make wide generalizations. (See hasty generalization.)
Mental filter - Focusing exclusively on certain, usually negative or upsetting, aspects of something while ignoring the rest, like a tiny imperfection in a piece of clothing. (See misleading vividness.)
Disqualifying the positive - Continually "shooting down" positive experiences for arbitrary, ad hoc reasons. (See special pleading.)
Jumping to conclusions - Assuming something negative where there is no evidence to support it. Two specific subtypes are also identified:
- Mind reading - Assuming the intentions of others.
- Fortune telling - Predicting how things will turn before they happen. (See slippery slope.)
Magnification and Minimization - Inappropriately understating or exaggerating the way people or situations truly are. Often the positive characteristics of other people are exaggerated and negative characteristics are understated. There is one subtype of magnification:
- Catastrophizing - Focusing on the worst possible outcome, however unlikely, or thinking that a situation is unbearable or impossible when it is really just uncomfortable.
Emotional reasoning - Making decisions and arguments based on how you feel rather than objective reality. (See appeal to consequences.)
Making should statements - Concentrating on what you think "should" or ought to be rather than the actual situation you are faced with, or having rigid rules which you think should always apply no matter what the circumstances are. Albert Ellis termed this "Musturbation". (See wishful thinking.)
Labeling and Mislabeling - Explaining behaviors or events, merely by naming them; related to overgeneralization. Rather than describing the specific behavior, you assign a label to someone or yourself that puts them in absolute and unalterable terms. Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded.
Personalization (or attribution) - Assuming you or others directly caused things when that may not have been the case. (See illusion of control.) When applied to others, blame is an example.