Kathy and Dr Nemeh

My husband took me to Cleveland Oh this last weekend. The treatment was unconventional medicine with a heaping teaspoon of faith and hope, but mostly LOVE. Dr Nemeh used red Lazar and green Lazar along with a form of acupuncture along the meridian lines. Used also was a type of low frequency magnetics. This with prayer. Love seems to be the factor in all of  those healed he believes. It is the connection to the God of love through His Son Jesus. I do not claim to understand all things. It was not just basic mind over mater here. I have been pain free in my low spine since our second visit. It took over two hours a visit but his attitude and serine way was so refreshing.
During the first treatment it was like the pain was gathered into balls here and there. Then that night the ligiments and muscels moved. The next day the treatment went as was the day before but at this moment in time whan I was distracted with fear he changed my focus with a sord spoken and at that instant my back changed from a hard mass of bones to putty. I was in a sitting position and he let me down flat on my back. NO pain. My husband was so concerned I might scream out for this was not a possition I have held in years.
Now I am pain free in my low spine. Other spots hurt here and there but not my low spine. Even after a long flight home in a sardine can of a jet plane.
At that instant of change in my spine the best way I can describe what I felt was ....the absence of fear. The next step for me would have been spine surgery for stenosis with nerve involvement that was effecting my ability to walk and to have continence.

Miracles still happen. 

Love God Psalm 91...he has loved me

Longing for the mercy

https://youtu.be/GmXeJlJFSXs

natural aids to depression

L-Tyrosine: A Precursor to norepinephine, May be valuable to the people who do not respond to most antidepressant drugs except amphetamines.
This is part of my supplement regimen. It really helps my cortisol overload. I have PTSD.
L-phenylalanine: Converted to tyrosine ( a naturally occurring form of phenylalanine); D-phenylalanine (which does not normally occur in the body or in food) is metabolized to phenylethulamine (PEA), an amphetamine-like compound that occurs normally in the human brain and has been shown to have mood elevating effects. Studies have shown that depressed people commonly lave low levels of phenylethylamine.
I use tyrosine at night before bed and I can sleep.
5-HTP: A close relative to tryptophan and a part of the metabolic pathway that leads to serotonin production. Studies from around the world have found that 5 HTP has a true antidepressant properties.
My husband first used this during his mid life crisis. I now use it nightly and it make a huge difference in not only mood but my pain tolerance.

SAM-e: A chemical compound found in all living cells; SAM-e can be found in more than 40 biomedical processes in the body. Supplementing the diet with SAM-e in depressed patients can result in increased levels of serotonin, dopamine and phosphatides, improving binding of neurotransmitters to receptor effectiveness is its ability to make brain cells more responsive to neurotransmitters such as serotonin and dopamine.
I have not use this yet.

Science link to adult health issues for Abuse survivors

science proves out the link between childhood abuse and health issues as an adult

 click on link to read study

I could of told them this. However it is a wonderful validation. My concern would be that it could be used against us who are left so effected by our childhood abuse.  The neglect to use the term Post Traumatic Stress Disorder but that is what they are referring too.

Update on Cortisol Connection

Being mid September now I can say that the supplements and nightly meditation has had a wonderful effect on the stress issues.   It is hard to do all the supplements every day but at least three days a week I get them all into me. Every night the b12 and 5htp is used and almost every day the multi and the stress b is taken. I have had illness three weeks. I caught an upper resp. infec from my son and have had to do antibiotics and steroids to breath.  I have infusion this week end so I am resting after having a radial nerve block in six facet joints of my low back on Tuesday last.
All in all the battle to keep off coffee and on supplements has given me many more days of good personality via reduced stress responses. The days I take supplements the well being is so pronounced. For morning meal I stick to a smoothy of blueberries, pineapple, cherries and guava nectar with a bit of rice protein powder mixed in. I add the ginger, kelp iodine and the powered multi into it. All things that or in line with eating for my blood type. I am type O neg. rh factor.
Note to Heather, Eating for blood type is also a wonderful way to help our self. Look on line or in book stores for the books. It has really helped to keep my eyes open for things that are not good for me. I still eat some things not good for me but I try to eat all the beneficials I can. Like eating food as a medicine and watching out to avoid those things that are poisons to my health. It can really make a difference. The website for eating for your blood type has a test kit you can buy to find out your blood type if you do not know it. Docs have heard of it but do not teach us about it. My immunologist is for it.

It is a good thing to educate yourself and understand why and how to advocate for life.

The Cortisol Connection of Post Traumatic Stress

Health is a gift that is a struggle to unwrap when you live with Post Traumatic Stress. As a dear in flight for its' life is the constant flow of cortisol in the body for one who has PTSD,
Trauma comes in many forms and is much more than physiological. I am very fortunate that the Psychiatrist that worked with me tried to also manage my cortisol with pharmaceutical drugs, namely a side effect of Lamictal. The drug was never approved by the FDA for this use. He treats many Vietnam Veterans and now others coming home from war have a tough time getting help with PTSD. War after War, remember the generations of homeless men and women unable to cope or function turning to booze or drugs to feel human. There are many types of war, battles may differ but the physical effects of it remain.

PTSD has a devastating effect long term on the body. I have spent a life time trying to learn how to stop this cortisol flush. Over responding to life and stress.
It has so wreaked my body. I have learned that the long term of Cortisol is directly connected to the Common Veritable Immunoglobbulin Deficiency CVID, The long term effect of constant flight flight being on. It is thought by some to be the latter stage of the exhaustion of the adrenal system.

A book called the Cortisol Connection, Why stress makes you fat and ruins your health. Written by Shawn Talbott, PH. D. GACSM
ISBN -13:978-0-89793-492-3
Hunter House Publishers PO Box 2914, Alameda CA 945010914
Available in PDF here

This is helping me to understand more about the cascading effects of this life long issue and the end results of it left incorrectly addressed. Now I am not saying that everyone with PTSD will get the CVID and need plasma infusions every four weeks like I do. It is my hope that I might help others to be able to address it intellectually and get a good fighting chance at health. A chance at stopping it before the latter stages of it.

As I read I saw that indeed I road out the couse to a 50+ year old, Now I continue all efforts at gaining health.
It was a fascinating study of how the interactions between hormones and other biological chemicals even the very fat cells react in a response to the flight fight of the cortisol flush.

Being of a homeopathic mind set the suggested supplementation complete with explanations of each one has given me hope. Aging just makes PTSD worse. So many Veterans and survivors have an end of life marred with hopelessness. Many I have l known even taking their own lives in desperation. Maybe this can help others have a hope.

As an elder of sorts the constant insomnia has a real drain on the plasma that keeps me alive, I am making all efforts to value this gift of life. Reading last night well into the wee hours advise withing this book . the advice taken, I slept by using not only the melatonin in my herbal stash but I added 5-HTP. Within 10 minutes the cortisol flash slowed and I went to sleep! This morning NO COFFEE to start the cortisol up again , but yogurt and fruit and soon some good multi vitamins, B complex, multi minerals. Water, exercise, nutrition and supplementation.

Cortisol overage effects other hormones that give us vitality, this is helped through some supplementation that allows our own bodies to unlock the absorption of needed hormones. Without the need of taking such hormones.  There are to be found in the book several lists in chapter 9 of Foundational multivitamin and multimineral that is the first step. The next step should be targetted modulation of cortisol, HSD this is the signal that tells fat cells that famine is at hand making the fat cell cling onto every calorie, and testosterone (via PMFs, eurycoma, theanine, etc.). Then should come the reinforcements against episodes of stress in the form of a balanced adaptogen regimen. Lists, explanations and tables are found in the book as well.

I am swimming, weakly in the exhaustion of poor health with all hopes to help myself. I hope that this will help others. Left untreated it will continue a life held alive through monthly plasma infusions, inflammatory joints with fibromyalgia pain.  I do not want to depend on pain medication and muscle relaxants.I have almost stopped all pain and muscle relaxants that have left me limp and fatigued.

Being pro active is best! After years of struggle with PTSD and the health effects it is my will to help myself live. It is the best success. I hope that this might help others with information to help yourself.

Study at many universities is ongoing.

Ginger my rabbit

Today I took my rabbit to the vet. She has mites in her ears. I cleaned her ears three days ago and kept watch on her. Calling the vet I learned that she had to go to an exotic animal hospital. Vets here do not treat rabbits. When I made the call last week the cost really threw me. $65. just to see the doc. Then add medication ect. took the cost too high in my mind.
That is where my heart came in. The loving heart of my husband as well. The reality that we are responsible for her life. We as parents are responsible to teach our children by example. The bunny got a dusting of DEarth. I knew she needed more. We spoke of putting her down, that conversation ended abruptly.
Yesterday I called again and made the appointment for this morning to take her in. My MIND could not get over the cost issue.
There I stood in the office over her. The vet confirmed what I knew and reviewed the charges. He left and I awaited the nurse to come with the medication for both of our bunnies. She was a while and as I stood there in that most holy of moments my MIND gave way to the beauty of my heart.
On the wall was a print of a large field with a bunny running freely. In that instant I remembered the Rabbit that was killed over me during the stone table torture of my youth.
I came full circle today. I got to pay it forward and nurture the life of my little rabbit. I got to overcome my MIND with my heart. My husbands heart was in full agreement. My children are so happy to know that Ginger the bunny will be alright. Her life is of great value. $128. is a cost of the mind that makes little sense to it, but Ginger cared for is all the wealth this woman could ever desire.

Body Memories

We are so fearfully made. Being Body/Soul/Spirit. We who have gone through the levels of recovery than find yourself like an onion facing another layer often stand amazed. Recently it has come to my attention that the pains of a yet to be diagnosed medical condition my have some roots in body memory.
I am trying to stay off of pain medication. In doing so I began to do some yoga. Mainly stretching and breathing exercises. It makes no sense yet a lot of sense at the same time. The myofacial pain syndrome is radically helped by deep stretching. After the first class the pain was a third reduced for about 18 hours.

Years back in recovery I learned about body memory. It is deeply ingrained within us, as is scent memory. Think of a favorite memory, often a fragrance is associated. Like every time you smell apple pie perhaps you remember a grandmother.

As a survivor of torture one is deeply left with a protective state of flight/fight that is left alert. It creates a chemical compound called cortisol. A brain chemical that signals danger, adrenalin flushes into the system and the muscles tighten. For me I live with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder so my cortisol is continuous. It has left me with a muscle disorder that signals constantly on a low grade level. Think a 'BANG!' sound and how one curls into a slight fetal form. Always my body is in this state. It was so much better for a very long time. Until the month in the nursing home. All bets were off and the old protective state became influenced by the degree of pain and be-trail experience there. My body remembered being tortured un-safe. It once again locked down. It is not a mental thing. It got by my mind and I did not even realize it was happening. Now almost a year later the pain of tight constantly firing muscles has left me a mess with painful constant distress. A build up of lactic acid will get some resolve so drinking a lot of water while doing deep stretching is important. The scars on my muscles will be an issue to address.

With deep prayer and meditation friendship with my maker has directed me toward the eastern wisdom of yoga. We westerners often disregard other cultures through ignorance often missing out on the ancient knowledge. As a Christian I have also witnessed fear of other cultures expressed as prejudiced among Christian faiths. This is a sad shame that could often be cleansed with knowledge and understanding. Even tolerance is an expression of LOVE. So with a trust in my FATHER GOD I followed the path before me. Now I am not speaking of a change in religion. Not a Hindu faith, just an Eastern Knowledge and respect toward the Creator and this beautiful creation of His. I am farthing my study into the understanding based in that language so often judged. If we Westerners spoke as an East Indian the terms could be heard not as a religion but as an expression of ideas and knowledge.

After the very first class my pain was so greatly reduced just by learning breathing techniques. The second class was meditation, in Western Christian/PRAYER. See how the language is a hindrance. It was in focus stopping the focus from being run-amuck. Learning how to come to center is a gift. In the East Indian expression of terms a word chakra (means spinning wheel) is expressed the seven aspects of the body. I learned a little of this in recovery but blue it off as religion I wanted no part of. It now is to me rather a science and it really is something tangible. For example in all of my drawing throughout the years of recovery Never were there feet on any of my portraits. The feet are a grounding in this life, they are symbolic of safety. The beginning of my recovering of memories and flashbacks began after a chiropractic adjustment of my tail bone. That part of me was locked into what was referred to as tail wag syndrome. The flash backs and memories came flowing out in the years after that. I had locked it all away. Common among sexual abuse survivors.

I survived where many of my peers committed suicide in part because I went off into spirit. I lived in the chakra of the spirit. Without being based or grounded in body, I was able to endure the torments that occurred in my body, even though my body remembered the pains it endured as tensed muscles. Others went into addiction to dull the memory and blank it out. We all try to find a way to endure and survive.

When I was in the nursing home denied of pain medication after the knee replacement I went into a place where I even stopped speaking or writing. I went into and did not reach out to others hardly at all. I sort of just left and went into the quiet place of spirit. Tense in my bones and secluded into thought and prayer these last few months. It is time to once again get grounded and find that place once again that tells my soul that I will not be tortured, harmed or abandoned. I will be here for me. God will be here for me. I do not need to be afraid. That experience really left me shaken. I understand that medically the diagnosis of muscle disorder will need to be dealt with. I will however try to help myself as much as I can through diet, and stretching. I will look into the spirit and soul of this woman also to see where there is healing to found in that.

Yoga with the healing of body through stretching and the healing of soul through focus included. Now when I think of eight limbs of yoga in my mind I saw a idol of a Hindu type. With better understanding and respect of the symbolic I have a better understanding of an expression. Many who understand yoga see that it is not signally a Hindu thing. It is a way that a sage expressed knowledge. Drishti is another aspect of the knowledge. It is East Indian in language it could of been French, English, German, Russian or Hebrew, but just the language stumbles folks. It was a way that someone found words to express the deeper spiritual facts to help out the humanity surrounding them.

The first thing I grabbed was 'do no harm'. The countless times over the last month that this has come to mind while avoiding certain toxic to me foods has really helped me. Jesus taught so many of these things expressed through the translations from Hebrew to English. Using different symbols and words He expressed His heart, Gods heart. God is universal and we Westerners are not the only ones He taught wisdom to.

Learn from everything, chew on it spit it out if ya want but I have found some nutrients here. God is using this knowledge in the healing of my body/soul and spirit. Perhaps it might be of help to you as well.

I have no intention of being Hindu or becoming Buddhist, but I think I can glean and learn from others.

Drishti is relating to concentration. It is also a term used in Buddhism. Here however I am just learning to think of it in terms of concentration, intentional focus not as a religious practice.

Just for Cultural study here is the ...

Theory

The source of dṛṣṭis in yoga is limbs five and six from the eight limbs of yoga. The fifth limb of yoga pratyahara concerns sense withdrawal. To avoid the delusion and suffering caused by preoccupation with sense objects as described in the Maitri Upanishad, sense withdrawal is practiced in order to help the practitioner become "centered". According to tantric philosophy, keeping "centered" madhya will eventually suspend the mind and prana, allowing recognition of bhairava, or device consciousness.^[1]
The sixth limb of yoga dharana (concentration), includes maintaining dṛṣṭi during yoga practice in order to ensure dhyana meditation will occur.^[

Read below to help you discover the meaning of your drishti

Red Drishti

The color Red is symbolic of the root chakra also called Muladara (mula means root) chakra (means spinning wheel) and is located at the base of your spine. The red drishti could help you focus on you living or financial situation. It can also symbolize what is truly important to you. There are eight limbs of Yoga. The first limb is the Yamas (means right living). There are five of them. The first one is called Ahimsa which means non-harming. Ahimsa relates to being kind to yourself. This is the mula or root of being a path of yoga. This drishti can also remind you of your path.

Orange Drishti

The color Orange is symbolic of the sacral chakra also called Swadhistana Chakra. This chakra is located about an inch below the belly button. It is symbolic for sensual energy and also creative energy. This drishti could help you get over a creative slump or remind you to feel more beautiful in your own skin. The second limb of yoga is the Niyamas. There are five Niyamas and one of them is Santosha. Santosha is accepting and being grateful for what you have. This is key for a happy life. Let this drishti inspire you to keep a gratitude journal so that you will always remember how lucky you are.

Yellow Drishti

The color Yellow is symbolic for the solar-plexes chakra and is also called Manipura Chakra. This chakra is located just below the ribcage. Manipura is symbolic of the gut feelings you have, or intuition. Let this drishti remind you to trust your inner wisdom and not to worry. All the answers you need are within you. The third limb of yoga is Asana or poses. Yes, poses are only one of the eight limbs. Your yellow drishti can remind you to practice yoga so that your body is tone, fine-tuned and healthy. Then your intuition will be working at its peak performance.

Green Drishti

The color Green is symbolic for the heart chakra and is also called Anahata. This chakra is located right in the middle of your ribcage. It is concerned with all things LOVE. Let this drishti remind you that LOVE is the answer. Show compassion to someone who may not even deserve it. Make some stranger’s day and pay forward a token of generosity. Remember all the love you put out in the world multiplies infinitely. The forth limb is Pranayama. Pranayama is breath control. Prana means life force. Let your beautiful drishti remind you to follow your breath and when you do that, you will be in the moment, where love is.

Blue Drishti

The color Blue is symbolic of the throat chakra and is also called Vishuddha. This chakra is located in the neck. This chakra is all about all forms of self-expression. Let a person know what you do that is special. Tell someone how you really feel. Sing! Dance! Play! The fifth limb of yoga is Pratyahara which means to control the senses. This is done by meditating on an inner focus. This inner focus can be on a point (like a drishti) or an idea. Choose an idea that helps you really know what you want to express in the world. Remember every word, and every thought is an action and they can make the world a better place or cause harm. Spending time focusing on true expression will help you to not cause harm.

Purple Drishti

Purple is symbolic for the third eye chakra. The third eye chakra is also called Anja. It is located between the eyebrows. This chakra is about exploring and focusing on the spiritual or higher self. Use your purple drishti to focus on your life's purpose or what yogi’s call Dharma. Maybe you are just looking for a way to connect with God or your higher power. Let this drishti help remind you to do that. Dharana is the sixth limb of yoga and the drishti is one of the wonderful tools to help you cultivated it. Dharana is about on pointed focus, completely immersing yourself in an activity, meditation or a yoga practice. When you do this everything else falls away and you are in the present moment. Let your drishti help you find the present moment!

Clear Drishti

Clear represents the highest chakra, the crown chakra. Sahasrara is the Sanskrit name for the crown chakra. Clear is every color in the spectrum and none of them at the same time. So like the color, Sahasrara is about everything in the world or even universe and none of it at the same time. Let your clear drishti remind you that you are very important and the world was made for you, and also everyone and everything out there is just as important as the world, and the universe was made for them too. The seventh limb of yoga is Dhyana. It is meditation on the divine. It is also devotion to the divine. If you believe in God, then let the drishti remind you of your love for God and his love for you. Let yourself be overwhelmed. If you do not believe in God let the drishti remind you of nature, the forces of nature, and all that still is just waiting to be discovered.

White Drishti

Pundarika means “white lotus” in Sanskrit. It is a symbol of purity and innocence. The lotus flower grows in mucky ponds and makes its way to the top to show it’s beauty. It rises above all the mud and makes something beautiful out of it. It is magic. The white drishti is to remind you of how much you can really do out of things that may not seem like much. You are more than your circumstances.

Black Drishti

In yoga there are five Kleshas. When you are living in the Kleshas you are seeing the world in a distorted way.

• Ignorance (avidya)- not knowing the right way
• Ego (asmita)- believing only you know the right way
• Attachment to Pleasure (raga) – seeking pleasure over what is right or healthy
• Aversion to Pain (dvesa) – running from things that could hurt you
• Fear of Death (abhinivesah)- clinging to life

Let your black drishti remind you that you might not be seeing the big picture and to have faith.

Pearlized Drishti

If your drishti seems to have a pearly sheen to it, let it remind you of balance. This balance is for your life, that you will have the wisdom to know what to do, when to do it and that you will know when to say yes and when to say now. Within this balance, your dreams will come true.

One nasty comment

I can't even make sense of this semi-literate blather. Was this written by a 5-year old?

October 24, 2011 6:04 AM

Words have the power of life and death. On this new blogger layout when you look at comments the list of all of then show up in chronological order. When they do for this blog this was one of the the last comments. Perhaps the last posting of a fully open heart as well. Seeing that it silenced me back then makes sense.  Seeing that it was posted by an anonymous commenter also makes sense. They usually are hidden behind the harm they do. Not hidden from God however he sees them. He knows their hearts or lack there of.

Silencing is the motive and it worked for a while didn't it? Stepping away from those silencers in our own lives is so important. Loving them may never stop but protecting truth must be stronger than the silencing arts of guilt or ignorance whatever the motives may be behind those who would to silence us.

So in answer to the comment, YES this was written by a child, one who lived inside of me in my expression. IT is the testimony of a child and in the excruciating pain of telling it did this child speak out. I was not an adult when I lived it, but a child. Yet as an adult to put this experience out there was one of the most courageous things I had ever done. Your unkindness was the reward of it. So I stopped writing to silence you. I can not allow that to occur. I will tell. I will expose the works done. Children now living need our voices out there.

Halloween and full moons, the early years. 

A quote my husband sent me today

"Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocre minds."
-Albert Einstein

A note on Introverts

how-do-introverts-share-ideas
click on the link above to watch this video .

My husband is a wonderful Introvert. I am on the line just in the middle between introvert and extroverts. So this sweet man has really had a lot of misunderstanding.
We have been married 30 years now and it is amazing how much of his personality was misread. He needs time to be alone and focused.
You too may interact with introverted folks, or you may tend to be so yourself. I hope that this an encouragement to understand one another and to love.
Enjoy
Remember is good to be true to who you are. 

On death and dying

Tonight was a holy night

We were called for days in heart to go to him. Tonight we did so. Our Uncle B. was dying. With family around the air was charged.
Yet still I could hear him and he me. We sang some hymns and he responded although all but comatose. We was in that place between both whelms. His shell no longer easy to response. Yet he could furrow his brow or raise a hand. He reached for me and for his daughter too when we rose.
With several of us there the love that filled that room was rich.
When at the 11th hour it was time for us to return homeward bound to tend our children, I said my gratitude of heart to him. Thanking him for the honor of the journey and telling him of the wonder and the gift of knowing a honorable man. Telling him not to be afraid or fear, kissing his cheek . Asking of him to remember Steve and I and the children when he is standing beside that thrown. I told him that I will see him on the other side.
For the only and first time of the evening...he whispered in front of three of his daughters. "I love you.". They heard it and saw his mouth move.

Our Dear Uncle B. is to the far right. 

Peaceful flight dear friend.

Image take in 2004 at our Indian wedding

Uncle B is to the gar l
I love you to Dear Uncle B. My husbands paternal Uncle.

Months of Activity

The time of challenge is finally mellowing. In August I had a total Knee replacement. After 23 days in a nursing home I was wrecked. I was physically not sexually violated and made to be a threat to the center. They treated me as they liked to remove all credibility they could. This is a common for folks who are survivors left with diagnosis like PTSD. We get labeled by them. They will use all against us, as if we are the week. I was dumb founded at the unethical behavior and filed grievance with the state medical board. Being delivered over to the center while only two days after surgery; papers placed before me with a little check mark in a box that gave them all the legal leverage to do whatever they pleased.
The people on floor were very respectful for the greatest part. It was just too stressful during a time that was set aside for me to heal. So now into my fifth month of recovering my leg my soul is settled better within me. It was an experience I hope to never see anyone repeat. I almost lost the use of my leg due to neglect on top of everything. Left for many hours several times without proper pain medication because they forgot to order it!

Stay with your loved one when you admit them into any care facility. My husband had to work and care for our kids. There was eventually a woman who was an occupational therapist who stood at my side when she too was appalled by the lack of humanity. I fought hard, there was a police man even in my room taking a statement, adult protective services as well. It was an awful mess. It almost broke me. Lies are like that and those with financial defensiveness will stop at nothing to step on another to rise them-self into an unjust stance.

Well now here I am almost half way healed in leg. My mind calmed, my heart returned into full duty as wife and mother. Actually a full time home schooling mother of a 5th and 7th grader. Hard work! I am using a charter online school that supplies the curriculum. We will have aims testing in a few weeks. My children need this time to heal. I was gone for a month and so out of it with medications (knee replacement - PAIN). Pain like you would not believe until at least month four. It is much better than it was but they say it take a year. The kids are asleep on our bedroom floor. They are healing. Before my knee I was diagnosed with the CVID that is every four weeks a six hour infusion of plasma. This was the thing that was slowly killing me. My numbers are up and health is mine with a guarded fourth week as to avoid exposure to infections. Like a true battle to win this has been an enduring fight. The kids see me and they are mindful. They are really wonderful little people with the hardships of attachment deficit disorder. Me going through all of this is hard for them. So they are a major focus. My main main focus.

The day is done and rest is coming to the dark of night. It is a good thing that all the dust is settling.


Months ahead hold many missions, pray I am competent to meet them.

so true

"What lies behind us, and what lies
before us are small matters
compared to what lies within us."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

what it was to be locked into a place of isolation

Caged and doomed, boy leaves sad account of his life

in the commentary linked above is the reality of abuse 

typed one handed :)

once when i was staying at the house of a couple that had been friends of my folks and of me i knew of the loss of freedom.

for years these once neighbors who had no children took me into their lives as their own. after years of traveling on camp trips, riding dirt bikes and laughter over a camp fire the betrayal occurred.

when a child reaches her t'weens they become a bit boy crazy, thrilled at the thought of attention. it is an innocent beautiful thing. my daughter is a tween now.

i was then a tween. my parents were in some sort of crisis or another and left me with them. Lynn and Jim. they were in a very small house in Sunny Slope Az. It was a very small house and i was moved into the water heater room off of the tiny kitchen. A cot, blanket and my stereo with a few record albums (shows my age). I could stand up and touch the wall if i reached out my arms. There was a window that if i really gave it all i had holding on to the rim of it could pull myself up to where my eyes just got a glimpse of the outside.

it was all peachy, exciting to get away from the violence of my mom and dad. that was until that horrible moment locked in time when Jim tried to sexually assault me.

i was terrified!

Lynn was the only other human there.

i told her

she was dependent on him..she sided with him. I'll never know whether she believed him. all i knew was all the hurt and betrayal was taken out on me and blamed on me. this tween who was just to become a young lady. 

there was a sliding partition accordion folding door of sorts it was shut

kept shut for two weeks

food was slid in a bowl on the floor like dog food bowl would be. the rumble of the water heater would be a constant for it two took up that last little corner of the room. it would burn me if i got too close.it was music ,when i could play it very low would save me. once only the day before i was loved a part of a group now locked in exile even thinking becoming a young lady was a crime. hating that age ruined it.

Lynn and Jim were just two years before a saving grace. it was them who found me on my porch when i had been jumped and stabbed getting off the school bus.

now in one instant of Jim...or as i thought telling on Jim cost me all

i did not have my folks, did not know or even have a way to call anyone for help.

it was only two weeks  or so. but i remember the thirst...loneliness those feelings that no one would come for me.

when they did well that was more torment for i had not 'behaved' because obviously they were not happy and had changed night and day with me. i had to return to the existence with my parents. convinced that i could turn to no one. when i had it just backfired.

i would do it again rather than to keep someones sick secrete. 

when i read of this some weeks ago i cried really hard for him, for me and for all the others who know these things

this little boy was just left to die these were his words released through court documents...just heart breaking. may he teach this place lessons. may they hear them

Here, according to the court-released documents, is some of what Christian wrote about:
• "Christian often stated he was hungry or thirsty."
• "Christian wrote of why nobody liked him and how he just wanted to be liked by his family."
• "Christian stated that he wanted to die because nobody liked the way he 'acted.' "
• "Christian wrote of how many times he had to steal food or use the bathroom in his place of confinement."
• "Christian wrote of how he was 'let out' to clean or vacuum but then had to go back to his 'place' (the dog cage) immediately afterwards."
• "Christian wrote of how he had nothing to do and if he asked for something to do he was given a piece of paper and a pencil."
• "Christian wrote of how everybody else was outside playing but he was not."
The report concluded: "The writings go on and on of how isolated and sad Christian was on a daily basis."
In perhaps the most haunting sentence in the report, investigators said:
"Christian's writings detail a very sad, depressed child who often wondered when someone, anyone, was going to come check on him and give him food or liquid."

 

i don't wanta

i got too, do i have too?....
i get too

privlige can often look like that

Lessons along the way...Mission toward competence

Well now for several months with white knuckle I was set to a mission. Mission is a cornerstone of who we are and what we become.
Security
sense of self
affiliation
mission
competency (watch out for complacency)

Missions in my life were simply to survive, then to live each day in the present. Throughout recovery years it was to stand true to the determination that "I would expose them". Years to mend the body worn down my view of competency ever really becoming a possibility there. Each effort was met with an overpowering opposition.

Daily set to mission marriage and parenting have been some of my greatest missions to date. Those day in day out duties that were as we all know really never ending or often even a crescendo of plateau. Gardening was one design setting my eye upon left the place now for planting and harvest to ebb and flow as the seasons of life. Yet even in that the heat of living in the desert set with the physical challenges faced leaves mission to a "hang in there", let your expectations balance sort of coming to terms.

Years of the joy set to missions of varying types paled as the obstacles would seem insurmountably.
Oh how countless a talent turned skill has waned under the halting lack of confidence or know how to further a continuance of effect.

Mission is something that I had a determination toward yet lacked the skill set to follow through and succeed over the discouragements. These hindrances would I think have been met with a wisdom from an elder toward success.

Mission would hit a stressed out wall when the next step became an enigma.Freezing up what next became a never mind.
Next mission.
Never really living up to that potential of seeing how able talents set to skill could lead into becoming competent. It would often become a 'why bother' sort of despondence.
Knowing that we all suffer like things I chose to speak on these things this morning.

What I have begin to learn
Mission
Setting small goals at first
Setting steps toward each small goal
Like risk mission is a skill that is measured in baby steps, stride being met with the exercise of seeing little things succeed.

There is a saying that I love.

The sage anticipates things that are difficult while they are easy, and does things that would become great while they are small. All difficult things in the world are sure to arise from a previous state in which they were easy, and all great things from one in which they were small. Therefore the sage, while he never does what is great, is able on that account to accomplish the greatest things."

So for me the lessons of a lack of competence have occurred when a step in that process becomes all to overwhelming...

It is then that the choice to continue to skill on the point of halting.

For example

The skills of a jeweler halted 1) lack of merchandising how to 2) not knowing how or even willing to sell my competence for a price. 3) assuming that no one else could be sold into my mission.

The skills of gardening halted 1) learning timing of harvest to table 2) consistency issue due to lack of scheduling 3) letting go because of a need to learn less physically demanding techniques. 4) giving up on ideas and methods to set in place if dependency on others left me wanting. example...waiting for my husband to hook up a drip system...I gained the hoses for free (a mission in itself)...the project stops there. 5) learning how to do it myself.

The skills of a writer halted 1) fear of the family of origin being bothered by it  2) Lack of vision 3) easier to just watch hulu or be entertained then to think 3) needing to set to effect those thoughts or points of interest. 4) setting to priority the mission of service for the greater good over the efforts to express deep thinking. 5) Allowing a thought to flow and practicing better mind focus and thought control.

Now these few examples set as well to the variety of missions that overlap and over power each other. My old balance wheel helped me with keeping areas of interest varied helped. Lists and charts called rebellion over the authority they tried to impose.

Thus a new mission rises...

Gain understanding and knowledge on how to set mission into steps toward accomplishment.

This year I was able to do just that. Setting a balance budget savings added up through little things that honed each line down. I implemented a savings that added up to a recent vacation fully funded and each day calculated into the amounts available. Food/lodging/gas/ticket charges so forth. It took well into the 4th day of the trip to relax and see that I was competent in doing so. The stress of the process was hard on me. 

Becoming more relaxed into mission skills is now a goal of mine. Understanding how that happens through little accomplishments is liberating. Seeing that 'I won't fail at it'. Overcoming the FEAR that the old wall of 'what do I do next' in the process can be climbed or walked around is also liberating.

security

sence of self

affiliation

mission

competencey

A cascade effect...

Affiliation waned when my sense of self faltered. My sense of self faltered when competency was lost due to lack of know how in reference to mission. If doubt that mission can be finished security becomes at issue.

Learning the steps to mission becomes a vital part of maturation. One that I missed out on. Teaching myself as far as I could left me short. Seeking a greater understanding and actually going on a quest to do so will send me far. 

I think of how college work the classes in steps...English 101 comes to mind. English 102 builds upon it. If it were not for the first course we would not be equipped. If we stop after the first or primary lessons we write papers as a child.

It is time to put away a childish way (101) and set out farther into growing up into the abilities (102) that are there for us to peruse. Why settle for the lack of skill gain it.

Well kids are up

Mission...loads and loads of laundry

1) make laundry soap

:)

The Forest Angel

Click image to enlarge

Some time back it was requested of me to tell you more about the Forest Angel.

Now Gods ways far exceed my understanding, but more than anything they are the ways of love. The lives we live here are only limited by the minds we close to the things that are holy. It is with some courage that this pearl will be placed before your eyes for this is a HOLY thing.

I have shared parts of my history.

To tell others of her is to expose her to scrutiny and judgment under which non could hold her. For she is of God and by God and for God. As I am. 

Recently while Dove was recovering as was I from the knee injections last Thursday the children and I  watched this movie called the 'KID'. My children and I speak of the deeper things of life daily. They know that the freedom is there for then to ask of such things without bias coloring the end of events. They also are free to share the things within them in such a way. We are willing to HEAR them, thus they give us ear as well. In the movie the 'kid comes to help the man who then discovers that he as his elder self is helping life to bear the fruits that are only divided by a time line. You would really need to watch the movie. The point is that life is a line of time that is most often only accepted as a linear list of events.

Now certainly that makes all the since in the world for folks to see days that way. From beginning to end. Even the prophets of old were rejected most often by those who thought they had it all figured out. In the end the blindness and unwillingness to open ones eyes brought great consequences even to nations.

The story of the Forest Angel is one such experience in this woman's life. My life has not been a life defined by linear terms. The effects of my years have yes created a being that is effected and restored yes in a time line of days, months years and yes even decades. 

When we had watched the film the query was if I had ever known of such things to have really happened  and in all truth I replied. Telling the children that I too have truly experience such things only in somewhat of a reverse. Telling them if they ever wanted to know I would be perfectly willing to explain if they wanted me too. The day before yesterday the kids and I had a very long 50 mile round trip to visit their Aunt in the hospital. When we were returning home on the freeway from the back seat asked the question from Dash "remember when you said I could ask about that thing that you knew like the movie 'the kid'? could you tell us?"

I did so...and spoke

When as a child terrible things happened one was particularity gruesome and violent.Asking them if they remember the movie Chronicles of Narnia and the stone table?, they affirmed so. As a child harm came to me on a stone table. Very bad things occurred and one was so terrible that I could no longer stay in my body or soul and I became pure spirit. It was when during this event that they killed a rabbit above me that an Angel took me away in Spirit and Mind into the forest where I played with the other rabbits. They trusted me, the rabbits and felt safe near me as I knelt. She the Forest Angel stood there as a sentential watching over me this child of mercy and favor. It was as if her love was a winged clutch around us there watching over us and stopping the truth of those images of what was occurring to the body, my body. The body of a child violated and being raped. 

Now lately the kids have used the language of/or word 'rape' in ignorance. Actually earlier in the day I confronted their ignorance with a clear explanation of what it meant to rape or be raped. They must know the words they use. The use of it in their speech was so dangerous a notion that they must understand it's intensity.

The Forest Angel kept my Spirit and Mind from the destruction occurring to my Body. Destruction that to this day effects my health. Then I told them of the thing that most amazed me about the Forest Angel. 

She was me all grown into a young woman, come to protect me as a child.

It was only years later into and after the hardest parts of my recovery from torture and abuse that I was shown with such holiness this fact. I could not understand it. No man or woman taught it to me . It was an innate knowledge. 

A Holy thing.

I am the her, the Forest Angel and have ever longed to return to the forest. It is a huge part of who I am. I have been called the piper to the children. A gift has been upon me that children feel safe near me. I have all my years had a gift with the wild creatures that they would come to me. Out in the parks wild birds would land on me. Ducks would rest beside me with their clutch of ducklings under their wing. Hummingbirds will come to me within inches and speak with me. Just the other day at the zoo Dove stood amazed as I taught her to be still. We were watching the otters. They were speaking with me right there in front of my child while we were surrounded by hordes of visitors. Dove saw her, me the Forest Angel. Not many do any more. That part of who I am has been housed and sheltered from the onslaught of harsh reality though temporal. It has caused her, me to withdraw from time and place. It is what leaves me unhappy, changed from what many of you knew of me years hence.

She is I am still her, but I am lost. 

Religion, assertion of judgments or fear there of has left me wanting for a different time. A different place where kindness ruled and folks were again humble. We all just don't really KNOW the mind of God. How could any of us think that we have Him all figured out.

Darkness travels to expel the light, to extinguish it. This flicker this flame that I am...under a bushel still yet remains.

Perhaps in this telling of the Forest Angel it might be placed, my light, a little brighter to shine out some of the darkness. It does within my little family. Beyond that she remains...now guarded years later by me the old sage.

an·gel  (njl)n.

1. A typically benevolent celestial being that acts as an intermediary between heaven and earth, especially in Christianity, Judaism, Islam, and Zoroastrianism.

2. A representation of such a being, especially in Christianity, conventionally in the image of a human figure with a halo and wings.

3. angels Christianity The last of the nine orders of angels in medieval angelology. From the highest to the lowest in rank, the orders are: seraphim, cherubim, thrones, dominations or dominions, virtues, powers, principalities, archangels, and angels.

4. A guardian spirit or guiding influence.

5.

a. A kind and lovable person.

b. One who manifests goodness, purity, and selflessness.

Building Character when overwhelmed

Long time no see here

This has been a very overwhelming time for me.
Many major changes in my life due to a illness that changes the very way of life.
I was diagnosed with CVID common veritable immune disorder. I have had an IV port placed in my chest to have infusions of gamma globulin every 4 weeks. It is a six hour process. I have an awesome nurse.

She has come to greatly respect the nuance of the human body when it comes to being a torture survivor. At first my body wanted nothing to do with her needles IV's entering my veins. She would get the vein, then the valve would shut down. many months this meant 5 sticks to start the infusions. The stress was getting to all of us. That is why the surgery for a port implant was necessary.

My sister Midge who was the one who came forward 3 years into my recovery also saved my life in her dying. This has been a journey. Her death was what raised a flag to a doctor that God alone had provided.
It took some doing to get my being around the reality of what a gift I was given. I may not of lived much longer had this continues to be misdiagnosed. I spent a life time of "it shouldn't" by doctors who had no clue as to this rare disorder. Our allergist 'happened'  :) to intern at a university that studied Primary Immune Disorders. One in 50,000 people. Folks in my generation were never tested. Babies are now so if the have failure to thrive. I am very vulnerable to bacteria do to a subclass of the disorder.

My life had come to a time when I have to slow down. It is a real change as I turn 50 with a monthly schedule that will run low the more stress or work I do. So I have been learning to pace myself. I will not kid you depression has been a ghost on my shoulder. The PTSD came into play as well causing me to have to increase my stress medications.  Now all things are pretty much regulated.

My emotions have run the gamete. Now the dust is settling. My heart although filled with gratitude is also sad. It is a strange thing to have this port in my chest. Three little nubs mark the center of it for needle location. So I feel a bit strange with it. My skin is thin so it is really obvious. Using a bra that holds my assets up helps.
My health has really improved my immune system is being restored after being completely depleted.

I have pulled away over the last several months just overwhelmed. I'll come on home into who I am. I'll overcome as I always have. This time it was just a bit much.

The Strongest Predictor For Low Stress

Research from wild baboons provides insight into perhaps the best way to combat daily, psychological stress. During this holiday season it might bring some comfort. Christie Nicholson reports

 | December 25, 2010 | 0

Stress is crucial for survival. Zebra sees a lion, stress makes her run. But we modern humans get stressed mostly for psychological reasons. Which are much more constant and lingering than a run in with a lion. Work, lifestyle, family, even Christmas.

What makes stress dangerous is the glucocortocoid hormones that our body releases. Elevated levels of such hormones leads to diabetes, hypertension, decreased testosterone, memory loss, suppressed immune system.

Robert Sapolsky, Professor of Neurology at Stanford University, has been studying stress in wild baboons for more than three decades.   And he found there are two powerful predictors of who will be most affected by stress. Personality plays a huge role. Can you tell the difference between a big threat and minor issue? If it is big can you figure out a way to get some control over it? If there’s a bad outcome do you have a coping mechanism?   If you can answer yes to these it’s a good bet you’ve got relatively low stress.

Beyond personality traits, the single best predictor of an ability to deal well with   stress is how socially connected you are. Baboons who had strong relationships also had low glucocorticoid levels and outlived the more isolated baboons by about three years.

So this Christmas holiday, rejoice in your interconnections, your friends and family. It’s a good thing for your heart and health.

—Christie Nicholson