It is finished

"when will you know that you have given yourself a life?" she asked me .
This after telling her that it was my childhood goal to tell on them, to testify against the hidden things done in darkness. If I did not let them make me like them, I would give myself a life on day "i promised" this to my own soul.

After so many many years it has come the time. I see that it is time to accept that I have reached that goal.

When given the medication to stop the effects of the cortisol flush. That PTSD flight/fight response my psychiatrist told me that I should really consider if I ought to subject myself to any more EMDR. My very physical health was made at risk by keeping the stress hormone activated in the process of identifying the triggers to rid myself of the effect of them. It made me think long and hard about when I would stop and simply accept that there will be times when others would simply need to respect my boundries. That I will need to simply accept my limitations stemming from the PTSD triggers. To accept that I have given myself a life, and this is now time to be free to live it.

This only after many many years of a lot of really hard work. 
It is finished. My goal has been attained.
I am tired. It is finished.
Now I live.

I think I now know that I have given myself that life fought for. In the spring I will turn 50 years of age. I have fought for many years gaining back the life stolen from me to the best of my tenacious ability.

It is that now that I see that I have taken my power back!

I have my life gained! 

No longer to fight for anything grater than that I have so successfully attained. The world around me is just that. It can not be altered or changed. I can support those who walk this long road by declaring that Yes this will one day be finished

Many of you know my stand or jurney through the seasons of old when concerning this upcoming holiday.
For many many years my stand, my battle to tell the truth. Sound the bell, shout from the high places to pray for the children during the upcoming days. It has left my mind tormented with the memories of those days pass. Now no longer is it my bell to ring.

Now I let this to you. It will be no longer for me to be the clanging sound of arise and pray for the inocent who are harmed.

It is a season to pass that mantle on.

To you who understand this

Others must take that task so that I can no longer think on these things in order to attain the goal that is MY LIFE

That battle is not to flood my mind any longer.

I have told the truth, I have rung the bell now I pass that bell along to you who's duty it is to do so.

This will be the first year that I will no longer focus on the horror of this time of year.

I will rather be focusing on the pure and raise my family aware that we all can overcome.

I will example to all that I have overcome the world, the evil and naked violence that would remove the innocent as well as the vile.

I will celibrate the innocent and leave the vile to it's own devices.

I will yet pray and then let go for it is no longer for me to intercede when it takes me back to the very events that I fear happening to other children.

It is up to you and others who are able to pray without the effects of personal experience.

The effects of P.T.S.D. and disassociation

Fight / Flight

Hyper diligence ingrained into the very synapse of the physical tissue of the brain. Trained to focus constantly so constantly that over years it is not even a conscience event.  So that most of the focus of every moment of life is taken up in it. There is a very little percentage left to take in anything else. Then, after years of missing out on all the things going on around me, all the joys and people they disappear. In the fog of those very moments taken away being distracted on keeping safe and creating safety for those around me. I have been so riddled by the Flight/fight defense system ingrained in my brain that not even reason by this highly intelligent woman could will herself out of it. The height of this intelligence and tenacity got me into a safe life and kept me here. But even after 25 years the brain my brain is so hard wired to pursue safety at all cost it has even cost me my very ability to remember the special events with my kids, the names and faces of my friends and the relationships that I could not even relax enough in to remember who they were. Or what our relationship was. Very few folks have I been safe enough that relaxed friendships could occur and remain.

So the solve appears to be intentionally re-wirer'ed. See I thought I had done this but what had been done was actually really 'becoming safe'. Now I need to make my brain hard wire on the fact that I am safe and it can stop. By verbalizing my feelings of every moment into to the pleasures I am experiencing this will be a big start.

So now I have to convince the wiring of my brain to stand down. Physically it must now get intentional focused attention to speak out pleasure experience every moment and how it feels out loud. My Psychiatrist said that the medication itself can cause a slowing of cognitive function. The Disassociation is  actually the flight fight constantly being a sentential relentlessly stopping me from enjoying any given moment. The memory is not created because the synapse are to busy with looking out for danger are possible problems. Literally the ruts in the physical organic brain are stopping the new neuron pathways from forming. Now just like building muscle I have to force the new synapses to form associating feelings to experiences to create memory.

I forgot the appointment I had a week ago. It was a 3 month medication check. I got a bill for the no show. Called today after I got home with the good news from the neurologist. The secretary calls me back she wanted to know if 4:30 might work she had had a cancellation. 

Pretty obvious who orchestrated that.

By the way he gave me grace on the debt and erased it.

So the neurologist wants me to start back up the EDMR, I told the psychiatrist (he is renowned for his work with veterans he handles medications as an MD)  and he warned me to speak to the physiologist about it (p.t.s.d. is her specialty she rewires the brain to stop flash backs). To use care that it not provoke more of the Fight / Flight unconscious response apparently it will be a very fine balance.

The EMDR is to remove the stimulus causing the flight /fight at the same time I must also put huge focus on intentional verbal recognition of experiences at the moment of events identifying pleasurable experiences giving them a feeling name.

So if you already have made it this far in your recovery I applaud you. If your yet on the path and stumbling along I reach out this hand to you.

May this information be a hands up to somebody.

Yes the point is that God does have a purpose in all of this.

Get this the psychiatrist said "(the above) and to Expect and look for miracles". Reminding me that all along many of the things he has witnessed in my life over the years have killed many other of his patients yet I am making it through it all by the faith and grace of God. Cool that he sees it, even cooler that he actually acknowledged it.

My intellect is always unconsciously focused all around me for any dangers to myself or my loved ones . Now I must force this intellect to serve me in another way. Healer heal thy self.

Partial Memories

It has been a while that I have stayed back from discussing things on my mind and spirit. But yesterday was so utterly profound that I do not want to ignore and respect the effect of it. When flash backs are only a single flip of a memory they can be a thorn in the side. You know those thorns that are felt yet search as much as you like they remain an enigma elusive and disturbing. Then comes a day that it comes (the thorn) to a head as they say and you run to get the tweezers to delicately put it out and relieve infection. Often the infection has left misunderstand and often the effects on others go unnoticed.

Being the youngest of more one hand full of siblings the realities of elder siblings and the view from the eyes of their experience can open ours and clarify a matter. There have been three of them who have joined me in knowing and opening up to the truth of what we have known. some do not it is the past period. So here begins such a story that unfolded after 45 years of dormancy.

For many years now an occurrence has haunted me and left me wondering just what happened that would make me respond the way I had. That response came like so...

I was 19 at the time awaiking from an emergency surgery to my reproductive system. The first of so many many I have endured until finally when I was 38 the whole thing removed due to end stage endomeitrosis.( the inside of my uterus forced into my abdominal wall do to child po*n abuse and torture).
As I awoke from surgery some one handed me a phone. It was an elder brother. It was one of the very  very few times I had spoken with him since early childhood. I was stunned to here his voice. Under partial anesthesia came from my mouth was "how could you hurt me like that?". It was the last time I spoke with that sibling for many many many years. I have always wondered why in the world I sad that to him. I found and still find it amazing that it is left so clear in my recall. Always it has felt undone.

After the EMDR sessions of the resent past, the time line of childhood was coming up to the age that a flashback involving this sibling has been repeating over and over and it is just that blip I aforementioned.



This is the flash back

I am standing half way down on wooden steps that lead up to a bright room behind me. It is a strange thing where I was there and then as if the film of memory went into rewind back up into the room, then down the steps again. At the base of the steps there stood this brother. In the flash back I kept saying "How could you do that!"



This flash back has been so troubling so very disturbing of late that just three days ago I was in a shower praying and begging God to show me why and tell me what it was all about. I am courageous like that.

Meanwhile life goes on and the CPAP machine had arrive and the first nights sleep had afforded me a morning of great energy, clarity of mind just overall JOY! I had walked around the block and tended to a yard said meeting new neighbors. Just a real enjoyable busy morning. I was more like my old self than ever having had sleep. It was not a full night but non the less more sleep than many years have offered me in one night. When I returned home there was a message on my phone answering machine.

After 13 years it was my Brother.  Now mind you this just two days after falling onto God shoulder weeping wanting to understand. Silence is a wonderful conversational tool to understanding. He spoke to me of the events of his memory when it was right I asked him if had such an outdoor room with steps during the time I was 4. He confirmed. A deep breath as I listened more to his words. He said that there was also a switchback concrete step that led down to an apartment. In his recall he spoke of the best friend of my mother living there and her husband bill (lower case intended). He said that "what a nice woman she was "...
"no she was not I declared"...(this being the woman who lay on the other side of me as her husband fondled me between them in their bed) Yet I said nothing of that to my brother.
 Unsolicited..My brother spoke ... "OH! it was during that time that he (bill) was accused of hurting you two girls"...at that I was stirred and fired up.
It was at that moment yesterday that I heard for the first time confirmation from anyone in my family that those memories of "the moron bill" .
At that I cantered, "who accused him?"
"you girls did" he said...

Do you see the plural? GIRLS?  For all of my life I thought that I must have been his only target. It has always left me feeling crazy because the heinous acts against me seemed so unbelievable what human being could do such things.

Now my brother continued to share and the wonderful intimacy flowed. He and I had connected some 13 years prior when I sojourned to my home city of my youth to learn and gain understanding. He and I then were at peace.  It though was all overwhelming. He had driven me to all of the childhood sights and homes of youth. Some were parking lots one had a woman kind enough to let us inter and see the home of childhood memories (the event of the old woman is lost to me for I do not remember). I am sure I was there but as I said it really took me for a loop around emote.

It was again as before we have a mutual faith. All of that had been stirred up for several weeks ago after joining face book I saw his name on my other brothers site and offered to become a friend. This I did not recall doing either. Hence a contact yesterday after all these years. After that time so long ago life was a blur of tending to needs and we had lost contact.

Coming round the bunny trail...sorry

Yesterday at 11a.m. was the first EMDR for three months. It took me that long to regain my health. I have had many health challenges so far this year. The very morning that I was to return to EMDR,... after 13 years of silence my brother who was the center of the flash back, to be addressed called me!

I attended my EMDR appointment only to get there 30 seconds before she came out to get me. I had ended the call with my brother pulled away only at the need to attend the appointment. As my head spun at the events of the morning and the cries of this child of Gods heart only two days prior.

When I returned home I called my brother back asking him to tell me about the room where he was when he threw my dad out of the house and the police arrested my dad at the curb. He confirmed saying you weren't there unless you were upstairs. My mother had called the police and was hiding in the bathroom getting away from my dad who was violating a restraining order. No one knew that...

I was hiding behind the sofa...

 in the living room. The very place my brother recalls I played hid and seek. It was my favorite hiding spot. I saw the whole thing. My brother is 11 years elder than I. He was protecting our mom. But to me a four year old child that day I lost not only my dad but the only other father figure I really ever had...my brother. The police kicked and hit my dad and handcuffed him placing him in the car and driving him away.
The Flashback...I was trying to get to my dad and my brother was holding me back to protect me...I got loose from him and ran through the house out that bright closed in porch down the steps only to have my brother there and I...I said to him "how could you do that!"...I ran back to try to get past him but by then my dad was gone. The next time I saw my dad I was 9 years old.

In that operating room at 19 coming out of general I said to my Brother so many many years after the event "how could you do that... how could you hurt me like that?!...Held withing a little girl for 15 years (until the day of surgery) that hard question she had no answer to.

Those many years ago my Brother had reached out to me at a time when his toddler son had just drowned he came out of his grief to again be my defender only to had had that asked of him. Anger and hurt left a wide sea of agony between us. Unspoken. Now after all these years this poor man who was under false suspicion of abusing us girls (this he stated) had his name cleared . He accepted the forgiveness and love that I offered him.

Again here he is after 45 years taking care of his little sister. I never really lost him.

When the severity of PTSD is so deeply blinding it is God who will ultimately open our eyes to understand the truth. History forgotten repeats itself.

It is what it is and that is REAL

I wanted to write tonight . A couple of things . Suppose it is hard to know where to begin. Last Tuesday, 8 days ago I did a EMDR session on a most difficult event in my life. As a child of 4 I was sold for a price to be filmed in child hood --rn. I was torn up tortured and left broken of body soul and mind. That was some 44 years ago. I held it in all of those years. When I was in hospital 15 years ago I told on them but I never told myself all of what happened in detail. Last Tuesday I recalled every single detail while the EMDR process was occurring. It was like a movie before my eyes. Oh My SWEET LORD it was so hard and so painful a sight to recall within my minds eye. My physical eyes open the whole time.
I have been rather head spun these last several days with anger that could rip apart a stone. I have had to increase the medication for a few days. The other MD Phyc said "you are so blessed" so few ever make it to this point where the things forced into us are released in a healthy freeing way. Man what a roller coaster these last 8 days.

At one time the anger hit rage.
The rage triad of ...anger...loss or fear of  loss... shame /guilt -hit me and for the first time the anger was mine the loss was mine HOWEVER the shame/guilt was NOT MINE! All of those many surgery's I suffered through. All of the stirrups my feet were in, all of the years childless longing to conceive. All of the years of rectal bleeding I suffered through in silence. The surgery in my 20's to repair the torn flesh. Torn was normal I did not even know I was not suppose to bleed. Torn form a childhood on through early adulthood. I thought hemorrhoids, that is what mom always said. Hasseled by my mom about it. Afriad to tell my family. My own sister knew she died in January this year. She knew about it, not the details.
It happend when my sibblings were gone at school and my mom was at work as was the wife of the **********dog bill who sold me. Living in our basement. He drugged me as the men laughed at the table as I nodded off. The other man reassuring bill that I would not remember.He called me rug rat and acted as if he was going to take me to nap. Held like a kind parent would at his shoulder against his chest.
Then HE BETRAY ME ONCE AGAIN! or I do not know if it was after this that the other event happened.
AT any rate I have had such rage in me or better said anger justified loss and mortification at the physical logistics of what was done to me. I am sicked literally by it physically.
A rollor coaster is in front of me and around me as anger hits, weeping begins and ends, then the anger.
The sickness in my belly.
 You can try to forget the past but with the PTSD you will most likely just be going to a pretense a state of denial that will one day find itself crippling you into addictions or taking your own life like so many I have known before me.

The last two sessions of EMDR have set me to freedoms door. For I am having the scales that kept me under water swimming for the surface are falling off as a mermaid gains her legs.
NO ONE will ever make me hold my tears again!

All my life I have never been able to let ANYONE brush my hair, now I understand. Even after 28 years married to the same wonderful husband he knows to take care to come up and hug me from behind. It is almost impossible not to cringe before melting into his arms.

I see how all the violence that was forced into me by this deviant evil moron has been left as if I deserve little more. I KNOW know that I DESIRVE to be treated with respect and kindness. Even IF I might make a mistake, I do not need to tolerate unkindness form anyone~
I am teaching this now calmly to the kids when they mouth me, It is not alright with me to be treated unkindly and I will stand up to you if you do.

I have a sleep study coming up and I panicked today as the appointment was made. I snore badly and it could be hard on my heart and stroke is at issue as well.  I could not breath and it was one of the most powerful panicks I have felt in a long long time.
I asked a very dear and trusted girl friend to go with me so I might be able to have ease. There will only be two patients but the technician is male. I can not be out of control asleep anywhere. Just can not. She was so kind she said "I find it amazing that you hold it together as well as you do".
This one thing really left me in a panic. That was the first time in years that I was in such a panicked state.

The EMDR is kicking me hard and healing me profoundly.
The binging at night is lessened. However today when panicked my lunch was enough to feed two and it left me sick. Over eating the panick. The feelings of not being understood. My husband thought it should not be any big deal. Strang that he actually said that to me.

It is what it is and that is REAL. I feel so much better knowing she will be there however I feel a bit concerned that something could come up and she would not be able to keep her promise.

my emotions are real intence and very much a roller coaster.
Did you know I scream my fool head off when I ride roller coasters like it defuses me. Happened at Disneyland. My Goodness screaming is even at the base of my chest as well.

aurora borealis

Grandfather hold me near. 

Cover me in the colors of the Heavenly Sphere. 

Wrap me crestfallen... I am here.

crest·fallen (krest′fôl′ən)

adjective

1. with drooping crest or bowed head
2. dejected, disheartened, or humbled

EMDR was tough today

I am grieving such a terrible terrible event.

I had a dream

The other morning I awoke from a dream.
In my dream I was in a car with a Very bigoted man. He was ridiculing every aspect of anything of any color other than Caucasian. The obtrusive bigotry was suffocating me. I was a kid in the dream. At one point there was a rest stop I was able to get out and walk over to a bench overlooking water. Just then a congregation of folks dressed in an ethnic garb like sari's came out and around the waters edge. Very softly my voice said "I wish my mom could just fly me home. It is so hard to be with this man for so many many miles. He is just so mean."...
Looking out into the water I saw the most beautiful crystal clear blue eyes looking back at me and in that instant he was at my shoulder.
I awoke.


Yesterday evening my brother called out of the blue because he had received an email I sent him in 2001! He though to call for it was too strange a thing.
I had told him of the dream asking him if He knew of anyone like that in our childhood. Of "course" he said bill. Now bill is he who raped me at 4 years old and we have been working EMDR on the issue with a real treasured gift of realizing at that very moment in my terrible youth I learned to HATE ME.

Now then he continued to tell me that bill's nephew had come to visit when I was 8 or so and my sister 10 or so. The boy not much older than my brother. He asked my brother to join him in "having us for some fun" as in raping us girls. My brother took him outside and kicked the ever livin crap out of him. Just beat him to a pulp.

My brother then told me how those folks were from the back waters of Louisiana where women were a possession as were children. I told him how many times when bill was molesting me that his wife was right there next to me in the bed.
The last thing his wife ever said to me was many years later in my young adult hood "I never slept with him after that" I had not a clue at the time why she said that. She was visiting my mom back when she was alive. She never spoke another word to me the whole time she was visiting and I had to leave. I was married to Steve at the time. It was shortly then after that I began remembering.

Wow, the healing that is going on by the EMDR. By clearing the frontal lobe of these trauma's I am remembering the day to day living of my life. There is room now in the cracks of what it was just to have a day in the life of.

EMDR and the remainder of a day.

Dealing with memory is a hard thing.
This day I dealt with a process to help that memory to go from one part of my brain to another.
It is a process for folks with PTSD that is finding great success.

I did work on an event that took place when I was 4 yrs old. This was not the first time I have received therapy regarding this event. This was different. I did  not go there I just saw it like a movie. A horrible horrible movie. Meanwhile the therapy works a technique that transfers the data into the long term part of the brain taking it out of the frontal lobe. Now many years folk have said "let the pass go".
Folks with PTSD would love nothing more than for it to "GO"
We try all sorts of trick. It is stuck however and it is not a matter of intellectually letting it go. Trust me it would all be gone if it were.
Body memories are a terrible thing cellular we hold within our beings instances in time that are locked into existence. Like when you smell a flower that is familiar and your mind goes to the time when a beloved gave you a bouquet of them.
I wish the flowers of life past were so pleasant but alas they are not. they are so not...
I am up this night at 2 a.m. I had a wonderful day today despite the fact that my sister died last week. She was the one who had the courage and was getting the help at the time and came forward to confirm my childhood. She was 18 years my elder.I have peace at her passing for there was nothing let undone between us.

I have locked into a little metal lock box rusted from being berried under grown all of the work that I did today. Waiting to think on or focus the thoughts of the filled in recall until the next time. I have to work on this even every few moments. Gaps were filled in today gaps that I never told a soul. Gaps that I locked up into the very heart of a child soul killed.
I was profoundly moved by the way I as a child responded to myself. With self hate and blame despising me.

It was surreal that as I walked out of the bathroom at the clinic that a 4 year old child sat there by the door. I have NEVER seen a child there. One time Dove had to sit in the tiny lobby and wait for me attended. That was the only time I knew or saw a kid there. I was touched by what the little girl looked like she was so sweet and beautiful, her hair combed and nice clothing on her. I thought this is not a coincidence that a 4 year old is sitting right there as I walked out to the lobby. After session I went into that tiny bathroom and sobbed. I sobbed. I breathed deeply and got some composure. Walked out of that bathroom and right there was an example of what it looked like to be a 4 year old girl child. my heart was so swollen with so many feelings horror dismay she was so sweet sitting there with so much promise and innocence. Mine was robbed me.

I am up tonight trying to keep all of that in that little metal box locked up until next time. Trusting that eventually with the EMDR that it will become less and less raw. Trying to ignore and pass through the physical pains this morning of body memory. Trying not to throw up. Trying not to react and remember that "it is no wonder". That I am alright this is just a phase of recovery to walk through.

Had it not been for all the work over the years I would of never been able to be at this place. The tools and knowledge I have gained and practiced over these long years set me to be able to do this work. It will be long and tedious work.

I had the strangest thing however today. A friend had watched the kids for me after school. When I went to get them home I was still spinning. I had talked my way home literally. Turn here, OK your alright , keep those things in the box. I had JOY this afternoon evening. I brought the kids home fixed a meal for each and had joy! joy! I has been a while. My husband went to a new men.s group tonight he adventured out to see about relating to others. That was huge for him. He was taking care of his heart. I was over joyed to support him in that I knew I could care for me. I realized a bit today how amazing I am at taking care of myself.
I made it through so many terrible horrific events and am here and not dead at my own hand or another.

I parented so lovingly. Helped my children peaceful complete homework, had wonderful exchanges with them. Tending the bed time ritual. Ready them a story and then some praise poetry. Poetry I read my kids poetry. I tried to lay beside my special needs child to help her to sleep in her own bed. It is a transition for her. At 1 a.m. I had her come back to sleep on her palat. My back was just in too much pain. I had taken pain meds before I laid down but by then they wore off. I took some more before this post. Soon I trust it will take the edge off my physical pain.
Keeping those things locked away is helping the pain in my heart stay at bay but I am so astounded at the data of the work I did today. Gaps that were filled in that I always get left out, the second by second of the event. This day has left me profoundly compassionate toward myself. It has also given me a great respect for who I am. I am really amazing. The things I lived through. The faith that I can hold in a God that many resent for the abuse they suffered at mans/woman's hands.
To be able to go through that and to go to God with and for that very comfort that no one else can give me right now. With everything in the box. Letting this woman child live by choice with it locked away. Exercising the act of keeping it there until next visit. We who survived and go one to learn to thrive are a truly amazing people.

I started a new medication in addition to the anti depressant that targets cognitive, I began a preventative medication for the anxiety. It is really helping with the flooding of the cortisol from the stress disorder. I feel so much better and more even. Stress of day in day out is lessened so much because I am able to more congruently manage it. So much less reaction to it now that I really feel better about myself all around. My parenting has improved so much I am so much calmer with my kids.

the courage to meet the demands of reality

This is a wonderful book to learn how to be human with a thriving adult ability.
A good read ya all.

Well I have been idle sitting by until I was ready to post.
I am getting better.
Here are the beginning steps to the EMDR process.
Once I began to establish a life time line or the event time line the next phase is for me to...

I looked to the ways that I comforted myself and found most of those were harmful and I often denied or felt guilty for those things healthy that did comfort me.

I have learned that I love beauty and MUST create it, I love music and it fills and moves me to center. Gaining understanding and knowledge groves me and seeing life form and grow is all encompassing .
When a seed emerges from the earth it is as if all the hardship passes in that instant.

This week the contemplation is on
Learning what my inner resources are...
I need to have compassion on my own self as I do for the others around me, I need to be trustworthy to my own self as I am to others and I must gain the courage to gain more ground.



EMDR is helping me to get set up through the identifying of some of the faulty messages I have absorbed through the traumas.

I see now that the anxiety stress PTSD is really causing so many of the memory and other problems that leave me behaving and thinking other than how and who I really am.
I am trusting in myself to succeed and uprooting out these lies I have believed.
Trusting myself to have boundaries that protect myself as well.
Giving myself the comfort of those things that sooth my soul.
Avoid all the things that are the false comforts, or at least seeing then for what they are.

I am on my way.

EMDR

In answer to many of your questions this is what I found on the site of my therapist

What is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)…

This is a powerful therapy developed originally to assist Vietnam Vets with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It has proven to be helpful with not only PTSD, but also anxiety and panic disorder as well as negative thinking and beliefs. Studies have shown positive use for the therapy in the areas of headache management as well. It is being used to obtain greater creativity and even improved performance in various fields.

EMDR is usually combined with "talk therapy", such as other treatments mentioned in this section, for maximum results. When EMDR is successful the results are astonishing and many people have noticed shifts in their feelings that they didn't think possible. I am an EMDRIA Certified Therapist (please refer to www.emdria.org) with extensive ongoing, updated training.

EMDR

It is kicking my butt!
Monday we continued with the time line and then settled on the grid of Deaths I have experienced. Many were suicides. I have a lot of beliefs about many of those who took their own lives...some I felt somehow like I could have or should have been able to do something to help them. There were the deaths of friends who were left powerless...if only I would of defended them somehow. Stood up and fought for their rights (one in particulate was a friend of 18 years).

There are so many undones in so many of these lives that were abruptly cut short.

It has been a hard day with all this locked up inside until tonight finally a demanded moment with my husband.

I really don'
t know if I can do this EDMR work and be able to keep the pace up of my life. I think things are giving like dishes and laundry clean but not put away....Threads are coming together of my childhood memories. A drunk driving accident to a relative when I was around 6 I think. Just after my brother T. was told to leave. It was he or the new dad...mom choose the new dad. suppose that she had to feed us.

So the false beliefs are what bubbles up. Even though they are false they still hit me in the belly and tack out my core. That is what we work on soon with the EMDR so as to replace it with a new belief...

If I could of just helped Rusty Kilcollins boyfriend and common law for 4+ years, Mary Margrett Mc Guire best friend for 10+ years, Leann Sunburry friend of 20 years, Jason W. W. nephew ...if....if ....and the others...so my mind needs to be restored. They all had a choice and made those choices for them self. Suicide.

Heather Jacubs off the cliff days after in exasperation I wished the little child from down the street would just stop chattering for one moment...never to hear her speak again....

A deserted widow used up by evil so called christian...Marjorie Huff best friend for 18 years, I wish so bad I would of stood up to them!

Well I have a lot of work to do on the loss through death. Carolyn's Murder has been addressed some yet the event needs to still be worked through.
Including my unborn child I did do a lot of truth and soul searching healing there. 3 parents and several various others.

The beliefs that have lingered in me have left so many raw wounds....I just do not know how I can do this.

My husband echos discomfort for a little season or the rest of your life?

EMDR a timeline

This morning I will begin the EMDR to help the PTSD symptoms. How in so many ways I wish the lies spoken over me were so...I mean that I would give anything if my youth was not mine. The denial and outright silencing of the truth by others is too much for me. If it were not for an elder sister it would be unbearable at times. Yet I stand convicted in neglecting her just to stop from thinking about what we both know is the truth.

I do not want to open myself up again to the fellowship of keeping others secretes while I am judged based on lies and the denial of the truth. It forces me away and it is tearing me up inside.

Last night an assignment that I have neglected was addressed. I was trying to find a list I thought I had and in so doing was reintroduced to some difficult documents. To begin the EMDR a time line needs to be developed. My appointment is today. I have yet to be able to bring myself to do it. It has been two weeks. I just want it to all go away. Leave it all behind.

There is a saying...
"well how's that working for ya?"
Truth is that to do the work will hopefully stop the stress form debilitating me with PTSD effects that seam so incongruous to my present moments.

There is a song by Cat Stevens...

" seagulls sing your hearts away cause while the sinners sin the children pray...Oh Lord how they pray and pray for that happy day...for that happy day."

I made a promise that if I do not let them make me like them. If I don't let them make me go crazy... that I would give myself a life someday...when will I know I have kept that promise . When can I stop? When will this stress disorder stop?

I told my husband that I do not think I can do this...For many many years after remembering and trying to deal with Carolyn's murder I just shut down to it all.
Telling about the murder seamed to of hindered those professionals, I felt it hurt them to know it to hear it. God I do not want to hurt anyone by telling them and then knowing that their mind has those images in it because of me.
At least with the EMDR I do not have to speak them out loud.She just does the thing? while I am recalling the event. I do so hope I only remember and not regress. I feel panicked. Alone and isolated in the knowledge of the wicked truth of what I have experienced and all the while a sibling acting as if non of it ever happened...their own survival denial that dear God I do not want to shatter for the very same reason.

My Mother told me before she died to tell...tell all...One elder sister and two brothers all confirm so many of the things surrounding the places and events of my youth they confirmed the perps and assured me that all I have told is true...but this one sister is convinced I think that if she can just make it all go away it never happened...if it is to all go away that would then take my very life breadth to do so. That is what it is like being near her. I have to stop being me and walk on the ground tip toed watching out for her cleverly placed land minds that set me up to her covert mind games that demine and reduce me to shut me up. How do I have relationship with that. Loving me seemingly and I think she does...but keeping the truth in her check to keep it far from her.

Folks these are the harder things often in recovery. Walking softly as not to break a denial that might cost an others sanity if she truly faced the past events. Whats the point...to prove that I am right? Well history , documents, testimony from many other people have already done that. Absence seems my only recourse. Yet I so love her and long to be able to call her a trusted friend.

Now I am being asked to remember it while the EMDR technique re programs my brains response. I am so scared to feel it all over again. The neurologist and several others speak so highly of this therapy. They say it is the governments main technique for helping the VETS deal with PTSD after coming home. We never forget but our brains store it differently and then the chemicals in the brain react totally neutral in recall or triggering moments. It is said to remove the trigger so the memory can be stored properly. Trauma stops the transport of data into storage verses fight/flight response.

I went through the art work and saw the images I rendered of the stone table and it sickens me. What a risk to see if this will help.