what it was to be locked into a place of isolation

Caged and doomed, boy leaves sad account of his life

in the commentary linked above is the reality of abuse 

typed one handed :)

once when i was staying at the house of a couple that had been friends of my folks and of me i knew of the loss of freedom.

for years these once neighbors who had no children took me into their lives as their own. after years of traveling on camp trips, riding dirt bikes and laughter over a camp fire the betrayal occurred.

when a child reaches her t'weens they become a bit boy crazy, thrilled at the thought of attention. it is an innocent beautiful thing. my daughter is a tween now.

i was then a tween. my parents were in some sort of crisis or another and left me with them. Lynn and Jim. they were in a very small house in Sunny Slope Az. It was a very small house and i was moved into the water heater room off of the tiny kitchen. A cot, blanket and my stereo with a few record albums (shows my age). I could stand up and touch the wall if i reached out my arms. There was a window that if i really gave it all i had holding on to the rim of it could pull myself up to where my eyes just got a glimpse of the outside.

it was all peachy, exciting to get away from the violence of my mom and dad. that was until that horrible moment locked in time when Jim tried to sexually assault me.

i was terrified!

Lynn was the only other human there.

i told her

she was dependent on him..she sided with him. I'll never know whether she believed him. all i knew was all the hurt and betrayal was taken out on me and blamed on me. this tween who was just to become a young lady. 

there was a sliding partition accordion folding door of sorts it was shut

kept shut for two weeks

food was slid in a bowl on the floor like dog food bowl would be. the rumble of the water heater would be a constant for it two took up that last little corner of the room. it would burn me if i got too close.it was music ,when i could play it very low would save me. once only the day before i was loved a part of a group now locked in exile even thinking becoming a young lady was a crime. hating that age ruined it.

Lynn and Jim were just two years before a saving grace. it was them who found me on my porch when i had been jumped and stabbed getting off the school bus.

now in one instant of Jim...or as i thought telling on Jim cost me all

i did not have my folks, did not know or even have a way to call anyone for help.

it was only two weeks  or so. but i remember the thirst...loneliness those feelings that no one would come for me.

when they did well that was more torment for i had not 'behaved' because obviously they were not happy and had changed night and day with me. i had to return to the existence with my parents. convinced that i could turn to no one. when i had it just backfired.

i would do it again rather than to keep someones sick secrete. 

when i read of this some weeks ago i cried really hard for him, for me and for all the others who know these things

this little boy was just left to die these were his words released through court documents...just heart breaking. may he teach this place lessons. may they hear them

Here, according to the court-released documents, is some of what Christian wrote about:
• "Christian often stated he was hungry or thirsty."
• "Christian wrote of why nobody liked him and how he just wanted to be liked by his family."
• "Christian stated that he wanted to die because nobody liked the way he 'acted.' "
• "Christian wrote of how many times he had to steal food or use the bathroom in his place of confinement."
• "Christian wrote of how he was 'let out' to clean or vacuum but then had to go back to his 'place' (the dog cage) immediately afterwards."
• "Christian wrote of how he had nothing to do and if he asked for something to do he was given a piece of paper and a pencil."
• "Christian wrote of how everybody else was outside playing but he was not."
The report concluded: "The writings go on and on of how isolated and sad Christian was on a daily basis."
In perhaps the most haunting sentence in the report, investigators said:
"Christian's writings detail a very sad, depressed child who often wondered when someone, anyone, was going to come check on him and give him food or liquid."

 

It is finished

"when will you know that you have given yourself a life?" she asked me .
This after telling her that it was my childhood goal to tell on them, to testify against the hidden things done in darkness. If I did not let them make me like them, I would give myself a life on day "i promised" this to my own soul.

After so many many years it has come the time. I see that it is time to accept that I have reached that goal.

When given the medication to stop the effects of the cortisol flush. That PTSD flight/fight response my psychiatrist told me that I should really consider if I ought to subject myself to any more EMDR. My very physical health was made at risk by keeping the stress hormone activated in the process of identifying the triggers to rid myself of the effect of them. It made me think long and hard about when I would stop and simply accept that there will be times when others would simply need to respect my boundries. That I will need to simply accept my limitations stemming from the PTSD triggers. To accept that I have given myself a life, and this is now time to be free to live it.

This only after many many years of a lot of really hard work. 
It is finished. My goal has been attained.
I am tired. It is finished.
Now I live.

I think I now know that I have given myself that life fought for. In the spring I will turn 50 years of age. I have fought for many years gaining back the life stolen from me to the best of my tenacious ability.

It is that now that I see that I have taken my power back!

I have my life gained! 

No longer to fight for anything grater than that I have so successfully attained. The world around me is just that. It can not be altered or changed. I can support those who walk this long road by declaring that Yes this will one day be finished

Many of you know my stand or jurney through the seasons of old when concerning this upcoming holiday.
For many many years my stand, my battle to tell the truth. Sound the bell, shout from the high places to pray for the children during the upcoming days. It has left my mind tormented with the memories of those days pass. Now no longer is it my bell to ring.

Now I let this to you. It will be no longer for me to be the clanging sound of arise and pray for the inocent who are harmed.

It is a season to pass that mantle on.

To you who understand this

Others must take that task so that I can no longer think on these things in order to attain the goal that is MY LIFE

That battle is not to flood my mind any longer.

I have told the truth, I have rung the bell now I pass that bell along to you who's duty it is to do so.

This will be the first year that I will no longer focus on the horror of this time of year.

I will rather be focusing on the pure and raise my family aware that we all can overcome.

I will example to all that I have overcome the world, the evil and naked violence that would remove the innocent as well as the vile.

I will celibrate the innocent and leave the vile to it's own devices.

I will yet pray and then let go for it is no longer for me to intercede when it takes me back to the very events that I fear happening to other children.

It is up to you and others who are able to pray without the effects of personal experience.

The effects of P.T.S.D. and disassociation

Fight / Flight

Hyper diligence ingrained into the very synapse of the physical tissue of the brain. Trained to focus constantly so constantly that over years it is not even a conscience event.  So that most of the focus of every moment of life is taken up in it. There is a very little percentage left to take in anything else. Then, after years of missing out on all the things going on around me, all the joys and people they disappear. In the fog of those very moments taken away being distracted on keeping safe and creating safety for those around me. I have been so riddled by the Flight/fight defense system ingrained in my brain that not even reason by this highly intelligent woman could will herself out of it. The height of this intelligence and tenacity got me into a safe life and kept me here. But even after 25 years the brain my brain is so hard wired to pursue safety at all cost it has even cost me my very ability to remember the special events with my kids, the names and faces of my friends and the relationships that I could not even relax enough in to remember who they were. Or what our relationship was. Very few folks have I been safe enough that relaxed friendships could occur and remain.

So the solve appears to be intentionally re-wirer'ed. See I thought I had done this but what had been done was actually really 'becoming safe'. Now I need to make my brain hard wire on the fact that I am safe and it can stop. By verbalizing my feelings of every moment into to the pleasures I am experiencing this will be a big start.

So now I have to convince the wiring of my brain to stand down. Physically it must now get intentional focused attention to speak out pleasure experience every moment and how it feels out loud. My Psychiatrist said that the medication itself can cause a slowing of cognitive function. The Disassociation is  actually the flight fight constantly being a sentential relentlessly stopping me from enjoying any given moment. The memory is not created because the synapse are to busy with looking out for danger are possible problems. Literally the ruts in the physical organic brain are stopping the new neuron pathways from forming. Now just like building muscle I have to force the new synapses to form associating feelings to experiences to create memory.

I forgot the appointment I had a week ago. It was a 3 month medication check. I got a bill for the no show. Called today after I got home with the good news from the neurologist. The secretary calls me back she wanted to know if 4:30 might work she had had a cancellation. 

Pretty obvious who orchestrated that.

By the way he gave me grace on the debt and erased it.

So the neurologist wants me to start back up the EDMR, I told the psychiatrist (he is renowned for his work with veterans he handles medications as an MD)  and he warned me to speak to the physiologist about it (p.t.s.d. is her specialty she rewires the brain to stop flash backs). To use care that it not provoke more of the Fight / Flight unconscious response apparently it will be a very fine balance.

The EMDR is to remove the stimulus causing the flight /fight at the same time I must also put huge focus on intentional verbal recognition of experiences at the moment of events identifying pleasurable experiences giving them a feeling name.

So if you already have made it this far in your recovery I applaud you. If your yet on the path and stumbling along I reach out this hand to you.

May this information be a hands up to somebody.

Yes the point is that God does have a purpose in all of this.

Get this the psychiatrist said "(the above) and to Expect and look for miracles". Reminding me that all along many of the things he has witnessed in my life over the years have killed many other of his patients yet I am making it through it all by the faith and grace of God. Cool that he sees it, even cooler that he actually acknowledged it.

My intellect is always unconsciously focused all around me for any dangers to myself or my loved ones . Now I must force this intellect to serve me in another way. Healer heal thy self.

PTSD and Anxiety distroys the brains natural functions

There is a hope! The severity of the PTSD I live with has caused me to have neurological consequences to living in high flight or fight mode for so many years. Every thing from Stress related memory laps to reactionary ill temperament under stress that leads to depressed feeling of behavior that is not in line with my heart or who I really am.

Yesterday after all the many tests ruling out the other causes it is noted that with 80% or so certainty it is the PTSD that is so ill effected my health.
The VA has known about a dug used for seizure disorders that had an amazing effect well a side effect...it makes the area of the brain that is neurologically associated with the flight fight mechanism ease. This ease in effect gives the brain rest. A rest that can cause the PTSD effects of daily life, memory of events and reactionary adrenalin reactions to calm. Giving the brain a break a rest as it were so that your functioning can become normal to the environment. Funny thing that this is the only side effect other than in 5% of folk a rash can occur.
I am on my second day of the first level of the ladder amount build u that will occur over the next few weeks.

I have never been so able to be so calm. I CAN THINK! In the middle of the kids acting nuts I was able to calming reason and express ideas without reactions or stress build ups. It was so cool!
I am not sedated. It just feels like that storm of stress is backed off.
Thinking and cognitive function is often aided with anti depressants in the other center of the brain that is governed with aids of dopamine. This is different, it is actually calm. Most of the anti anxiety drugs are like narcotic so I would not use them unless I was in a real bad way. So to now I will use both the antidepressant to aid in the dopamine production and uptake , and this other to aid in this neuro chemical. I forgot the name of it.

With Anxiety another area of the brain is enacted. This is rarely addressed. My MD PHYC works a great deal with VETS and has used this treatment for many years. I responded poorly to him a few years ago in my journey thinking that he did not believe me or thought I was crazy because he would not treat me until the dementia was ruled out. He just was being careful not to treat me for something I might not of had. I misunderstood him and was in my wound unable to think clearly with out the suspect mentality of a survivor. The VETS are denied this medication for the manufacturers marketed it for seizure disorders because they can make more money on it so the most of us never learn of it. The VA will not even recognize when he prescribes to his patients that it has this side effect VETS NOT LIVING IN THE PTSD!  Folk like me who do not comet suicide could even heal and be normal in the ability to think function without such a daily struggle.

The medication is lamictal odt
25mg for a week one a day
next week 50mg then wk 3 75 mg and so on until the level is one that has the norm that is acceptable and ease of function restored. I will still have the clonazopine for bad stress episodes.

Now when the brain is left in this stress state...then the stress leaves the relax of the neuro pathways floods it and a migraine happens. This is often what I experience. This is a dream come true and the neurologist will be so very delighted that the damage occurring will be curtailed.

I saw him yesterday. Two days on the lowest dose.
I am so much more myself and who I am in my heart without always feeling like I am fighting to be what my heart says I am. Acting how my heart desired .I was awesome today. Non addictive. It is hoped and has been his experience that the neuro pathways have actually been healed to some degree over a two year period of time. That the brain can actually heal.

There is so much hope.

Urgent Prayer For Eddie (Love Bug)

Urgent Prayer For Eddie (Love Bug)

I am typing this for Denise of Shortybears Place she is on the phone with me now

Eddie has had a stroke and is in hospital under observation. They were unable to get the stroke medication in time. So far they have done a CAT scan and a MRI and other test are being awaiting . His leg is effected. He is able to speak. This is written at 9:30 p.m. TN time

He is in Memorial Hospital Chattanooga TN. She is alone so if any friends are able please consider coming to her side. He is being moved to room momentarily.


This is written by Donetta of A Life Uncommon and she can be reached through me.

For His lovingkindness is everlasting,

Psalms 136:

  23 Who remembered us in our low estate,

For His lovingkindness is everlasting,

  24 And has rescued us from our adversaries,

For His lovingkindness is everlasting;

  25 Who gives food to all flesh,

For His lovingkindness is everlasting.

  26 Give thanks to the God of heaven,

For His lovingkindness is everlasting.

May thankfulness overpower you with a grateful heart.

With a heart of gratitude every trail becomes an act of worship.

Being Me gave me this kind gift of flowers this morning. How thoughtful. Today I really needed a nice sweet smile of a flower. Thank you

Time to share this  (it is a lovely feeling to receive but you have to work for it and anyhow it is a good excuse to touch base with other bloggers to whom I haven't passed on anything);

the rules are as follows:
1. Thank whoever gave this to you
2. Copy award
3. Post it in your blog
4. Tell us 7 things that your readers don’t know
5. Link 7 new bloggers
6. Notify winners of the award with a comment on their blog
7. Keep being awesome!












Well seven things about me that my readers do not know.


1. I love Cherries and cherry juice, they have a natural anti inflammatory property that helps with physical pain.
2. Birds in nature bring a solace and a peace that is wonderful.
3. Wild creatures are drawn to me and I have a reputation with friends who have witnessed so often a bird, or a lizard or most recently a little frog jumped on my cheek and gave me a hello. I am not afraid of them. I love how they feel safe with me.
4.I am an artist and have varied talents and skills with many different types of mediums. see "A place to Create"
5. I am an avid organic gardener see "Bee Bliss Gardens"
6. I love to drink loose lief brewed tea from my china tea pot and tea cup and saucer.
7. I almost exclusively ware cotton fabric, and murrel shoes.

And here are my seven choices:

1. Sarah at Writing
2. Cora Hidden Riches From Secret Places
3. Debbie from There is an Angle on my Front porch
4. Blest Atheist
5. God among us
6.Marsha's Musings
7.Sugarloaf Mountain

please pass it on

Teenage Abortion at a Planned Parenthood Clinic (written many many years ago)

I know that I am forgiven and I have forgiven myself. This is a journey a tale told to a group of Medical professionals and used at a women s conference in AZ in the late 1990's. My OB read it aloud to the audience studying the effects of abortion on women.


My mother worked hard, and did her best to raise us.  She had never had parents to teach her how to raise children.  I was never told that pre-marital sex was wrong.  My unsuspecting mother trusted me greatly.  At sixteen I was searching for love and acceptance.  My mother was in the hospital with a breakdown when I discovered I was pregnant.  I had no one to counsel me.  I was alone.  I went to a planned parenthood clinic to receive advice.  They confirmed my pregnancy, yet offered me no encouragement or referrals.  I was never told about any organization that offered help.  They pointed me down the path to a Riverside, Ca. clinic.  I was left to feel that abortion was my only alternative other than suicide.  I hope that as you read this that you consider the desperate need that young women have.  We need support.  We do not need a easy way out! The long term effects of my trauma were devastating.  My friends dropped me off at the clinic.  I was alone.  I waited in fear and humiliation.  Then my name was called, I was led to a cubical, and a woman said "have you considered adoption?"  I asked how could I? Knowing my mothers state of mind I was fearful.  She checked the box.  That was it, that was all she said.  She told me to go into the next room and wait for an examination.  Each room seemed to be deeper and deeper within the building.  All I wanted to do was to die or to escape from there.  Then my name was called.  I went into an examination room.  I had never even been to a GYN, and for the first time in total fear and humiliation I was internally and externally examined.  This in itself was very painful due to my tense condition.  I told the nurse not to leave.  There I was with a male stranger with his fingers and hands on me and in me.  I was terrified.  I was sent back out to a room.  It was a open room with a large sectional Sofa filled with women and girls.  There were two adjoining rooms.  While seated on the sofa a door opened and I could see into the operating room.  It had another door on the far side, and the women went in one door and then out the other.  The room was small.  The table was in the center.  There were RN's, doctor, and also the men who carried the unconscious women to the recovery room.  They called the next name and the door was closed.  Then while waiting there a lady came and told me I had RH neg.  blood, that it would be imperative that I receive an injection, that if any future children might have a different blood type my body would not fight them off.  Future children, future children! My heart sank.  All my life my desire was toe a wife and mother.  Now my future children were in question.  The door opened, my name again was called.  How I had grown to hate the sound of that name.  How I hated myself.  I wanted it all to stop, everything happened so fast.  The nurses and doctor were all behind masks.  Only there eyes showed.  They told me to lie down on the table.  Feet in the stirrups, scoot down, scoot Down.  ''Oh God'' my heart screamed, I was so embarrassed.  I was naked and bare before all these strangers, and they were numb to my feelings.  Their soft voices spoke instructions to me.  Breath deep, just relax.  I was going under, and I wanted it to stop.  I screamed "NO STOP" "STOP", but with the gas mask on, my mouth could not speak.  Then I was under.  I remember the prick of a knife inside me, it hurt.  My arm ached from the drugs pumped into me.  The vacuum gurgled and that was all, I had lost the fight, I was .  then unconscious.  As I came to, a gruff voice said "It was your choice, you wanted to do it".  A nurse spoke, so mean and cold she sounded.  I was numb.  I was in the recovery room on one of the many couch like beds.  Then I was given a shot in my fanny that seemed to keep Going, and everyone else was looking at me.  They were all more awake than I was.  The nurse spread my legs , and put a fresh pad on me.  I just closed my eyes and pretended to disappear.  After I slept a long time, the people who took me there came back for me.  I was bleeding quite heavily, and we had to stop on the way home I was bleeding quite heavily, and we had to stop on the way home to buy more pads.  They told my mom that I started my period and I did not feel well.  I bled a lot that night.  I was so very frightened, and I had no one to turn to for help.  I was left in shock, for eight years.  I was never able to grieve the loss of my child, and so I carried an imaginary suckling child on my hip for eight years.  Shortly after I carried I had to have major female surgery.  I had a tumor on my ovary.  I lost an ovary.  I had been married for six years, and we are still longing for our first child.  It has been many years now that I have been able to face this terrible ordeal.  Please note the need for counsel.  If my child was alive today it would be so great to know that its adoptive family was being blessed by his existence.  But as it happened the life of my child was extinguished.  I have asked Gods forgiveness, and without that I would not be able to bear the pain of my loss.  Thank you for sharing my story.  Please make available the instruction and assistance to the desperate women in this position.  It is far to easy to kill the unborn.  And the everlasting effects are not being presented.  I know that many, many victims of abortion still live today.  They are the women who will suffer the consequence of this radical act.  If only I would have been told that pre-marital sex was wrong, I would have had the strength to stand against the peer pressure. If only adoption would of been offered or a safe house. The clinic was more interested in the federal income of the abortion act itself. That was the goal. Stop the population of the human trash.

THANK YOU FOR CARING,

Holloween and full moons, the early years. re post

Originally posted in 2007

This is an attempt to overcome fear of rejection and to overcome fear of exposing the truth!

I have offended many over the years by telling them what holloween and full moons were like for me as a kid. Who am I, is my big question. One who lets darkness win through silence, or one who overcomes darkness by exposing it to the light. I am the latter!

Some of my earliest memories of the ceremony and worship of the dark side that I experienced here follows.
One of the hardest involved being up in the canyon at the lodge where they gathered. Very late into the night of the moons shining upon them they would begin. After the normal families left and the "die hards" lit the bonfire and continued to binge on the feasts and drink the hard booze it would commence. There was a man who was the leader. He would "all gather, lets get this thing on the road" and cheers would sound up as the wild tones would echo. I and other kids, children of the others there were in a cabin like building. The big kids would then get the little kid that was chosen by the adults. That night it was me.

Folks say that Oct.31 is just an innocent night I stand to differ!

In a cloth bag the big kids (those I now feel most sorry for), placed me. Like well humored or ill humored bullies I was spun around and dizzy. I was laughing innocently ,yet then fear and anger; they would not let me out. The bag was getting dusty for it was drug through the camp. I began to hurt and the air in the bag was stuffy. It stopped That man he was the big man who was the talker and leader of it. He opened it up and every one cheered! he smiled at me. "Let me get you out of there..." smiling at me I felt safe from the bullies. He lifted me up high on the stone table. Everyone cheered and laughed. I was so tired and after a drink, I laid down. He had a bunny. I liked the bunny a lot. He was my friend and he was so soft he was scared. I got very sleepy from the drink. They were all around the table looking at me. Then the big boys were told they had a privilege and a responsibility they felt proud,and stood there. The cup was gold and it was above my face. The bunny screaming and then silent. I went away with him and watched from the forest with the Forest Angel. She was nice and the bunny was in a different body cause the other one was being drained into the cup. I was in a shadow body cause my other one was still on the table.
They took her clothes off she was pretty and tiny. The bunny gave her a drink from the cup and everyone had a sip too. I did not like it. The songs were there yukky songs and looking at the moon. I stayed with Forest Angel, she was nice.
The body on the table had brown hair that was bad she had to be made white. The big boys made her white on both sides and it hurt her, they raped me, a lot.
The man said they did well to whiten me. The girls (my) mom was over at the fire she had food dripping at her mouth and her husband was drunk, bad drunk, over at the fire. They were praised for their offering. The little girl bled. I was hurt bad. Then they wrapped me in the blanket and the Forest Angel let go of my hand and I was her again.
I could not get clean enough. It burnt the hot water just would not take it all away off of me and out of me and I just died there, inside, no more to be.
The next day I then began again. A new girl who nobody could know . I just hid behind my eyes. I was only a little girl.
That is what it means to me.

I hate holloween!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had been chosen weeks before and they worked on my parents to allow it to happen to me.
I was in recovery for three years when I was ready to commit suicide thinking I must be crazy to remember such things when my sister 18 years elder came forward and apologized for not coming forward sooner. I had given her the courage to do so.
I am 17 years out now and I still have to be removed to tell you of the deeds done in darkness.
It is not an innocent night!!!!!!!!!!!!
Somewhere a family is being set up, a child is being primed. Children are scared for life when used as the offenders. This is done to keep witnesses silent!!!

Self Commpassion Scale

Are you disapproving and judgmental about your own flaws and inadequacies?

When you are feeling down do you tend to obsess and fixate on everything that is wrong?

When things are going badly for you, do you see the difficulties as part of life that everyone goes through?

When You think about your inadequacies,does it tend to make you feel more separate and cut off from the rest of the world?

Do you try to be loving toward yourself when your feeling emotional pain.?

Here are the first five questions I will leave to to ponder...

Never assume your child is safe, keep them safe!

My heart goes out to the parents for their terrible loss

Sunday school teacher to face death in child's killing

Melissa Huckaby, 28, was indicted last month in the death of Sandra Cantu, a playmate of Huckaby's daughter. Huckaby lived in the same mobile home park as Cantu and her family in Tracy, California.

Sandra's body was found April 6, stuffed into a suitcase and submerged in a pond at a dairy farm. She was last seen alive March 27 in the mobile home park.

Huckaby is charged with kidnapping and murdering Sandra, according to the indictment, along with lewd and lascivious acts on a child under 14 and rape by instrument. She pleaded not guilty in June, but entered another not guilty plea on Thursday at a hearing, minutes of which were provided to CNN by a court spokeswoman.

Prosecutors said at the hearing Thursday they plan to seek the death penalty.

Please just because it is Church do not assume that your child is safe. My very best friend had her abuse happen at church. Her parents let their guard down. It is so easy to assume that your child is safe and that your free do go do your own thing. I believe as parents we need to lay that "right" down.

My soul is refreshed

Hi
I just got done watching Extreme home make over" is was the Filch episode where a couple adopted 8 children adding to there own.
The team sent over plain loads of toys, bedding and food to Haiti I balled my eyes out.

Remembering that Christmas in Russia so many years ago.
Steve and I had a little extra money that we did not spend...
We had the orphanage worker take us to the medical supply, to a kiosk for a Christmas tree...the orphanage did not have one...
We were able to get some toys to hang above cribs and some toys to manipulate and equipment for bottles...
Those little children around my feet with cleft lips and downs who will never be adopted...
Dash who may well have never been adopted had it not been for the offer of a boy child and an open heart to receive any child...

I have lived all of my life ...and in a greater view it is/has been a beautiful gift.

I will be starting to work on the manuscript again after years of being silenced.
It will take a lot to do.
It will call up a lot out of me.
But God has a plan...His ways are high.

When I think though of the difference we all have a chance to make in the world around us
I can no longer of choice withhold the way God restored my life out of the fear of lies and rejection.
I had given my strength to it and became once again enslaved.

Those survivors sitting on the floor weeping left helpless without emotional support or medical means..
It is the full circle.
There are others some of you here and some on the other blog who need to know that your life will get better that all the hard work is worth it.

Forgive my self engrossed focus and know that all of you matter to me.
All of those babies matter...
Every life we touch can be made better different if we are willing to make it be so.

My heart faltered...my courage faltered...

There is a passage that speaks about speaking on the things that we have seen in Him and heard in Him and witnessed in Him.

Today I was reminded and am going to chose to be reminded of the things He has brought me through.
I have kept silent in regards to my recovery far too long
I am again compelled to do the work to finish what he began in me.
To share with those who never have had or will have the privileges I have had.
I just wanted it all to go away.
That was, even in my attempts to protect others ...selfish of me.
It is not my job to protect others it is my job to speak the truth and give my voice to freedom.
So in the lyric of this blogs' name sake ...


don't worry mother, it'll be alright
and don't worry sister, say your prayers and sleep tight
it'll be fine lover of mine
it'll be just fine

lend your voices only to sounds of freedom
no longer lend your strength to that which you wish to be free from
fill your lives with love and bravery
and you shall lead a life uncommon

I've heard your anguish,
I've heard your hearts cry out
we are tired, we are weary, but we aren't worn out
set down your chains, until only faith remains
set down your chains

and lend your voices only to sounds of freedom
no longer lend your strength to that which you wish to be free from
fill your lives with love and bravery
and we shall lead a life uncommon

there are plenty of people who pray for peace
but if praying were enough it would have come to be
let your words enslave no one and the heavens will hush themselves
to hear our voices ring out clear
with sounds of freedom
sounds of freedom

come on you unbelievers, move out of the way
there is a new army coming and we are armed with faith
to live, we must give
to live

and lend our voices only to sounds of freedom
no longer lend our strength to that which we wish to be free from
fill your lives with love and bravery
and we shall lead...

lend our voices only to sounds of freedom
no longer lend our strength to that which we wish to be free from
fill your lives with love and bravery

I wish to be free of the fear of telling the truth and sharing the freedom fight that so many wonder if it could really ever be won...well...now lets see...lets hear it...
"tell it...like my mother said tell...tell all donetta"

EMDR therapy

EMDR

My Neurologist suggested that he wants to see me use this therapy to resolve the physical damage that the PTDS is doing to me. Living with PTSD over all of these years has caused damage to my body. The Hormones, adrenaline and cortisol and such that are so ever vigilent and toxic over time needs to have some futrhter attention. I had never heard of this before. So I am in search of a therapist.

Self Esteem

1. security
n. pl. se·cu·ri·ties

1. Freedom from risk or danger; safety.

2. Freedom from doubt, anxiety, or fear; confidence.

3. Something that gives or assures safety, as:

Do I feel accepted, welcomed and important?
Do I share my own thoughts and feelings with others?
Am I listened too?
Do I have high enough challenges yet still capable of being met?
Do I have others who I can depend upon and trust?
Am I personally acknowledged by others with greetings phone calls and notes?
Do I live by reasonable rules and limits?
Do I understand the rules and limits and the reward/consequences of them?


2.self hood
n.

1. The state of having a distinct identity; individuality.

2. The fully developed self; an achieved personality.

Are my traits and characteristics acknowledged?
Do I give myself opportunities to discover my interests ,attitudes, roles and physical characteristics?
Do I create opportunities for myself to reflect upon significant influences in my past or present and how these have played a role in my own self Perceptions?
Do I allow myself to express my uniqueness and to risk being different?
Do I allow myself to explore feelings and attitudes that promote an awareness of what I value?
Am I learning to make positive statements and accept praise?
Do I accept my differences?
Do I let my list of self description increase?
Have I allowed myself a sense of pride in my unique qualities?
Do I avoid equating my work with my self-worth?

3.affiliation

The importance of interpersonal relationships in our lives cannot be overstated. We all need to feel a sense of connectedness to another human being Particularly to those individuals whom we consider to be important and significant. When we feel as though we belong and are connected to those we consider important, and in return we receive respect and approval from them , we gain a sense of affiliation..Do I feel accepted?

Do I provide myself with the opportunity for group entry?
Am I participating , as a functioning, contributing group member?
Do I acquire special skills in friendship making?
Do I provide myself with an opportunity to gain peer recognition and approval?
Do I show approval and support to others?
Do I discover the interests, capabilities and back grounds of others?
Do I praise others for their accomplishments?
Do I have sensitivity toward the needs and feelings of others?
Do I plan activities that encourage a sense of common spirit and pride?

4.mission

Do I ask for help in identifying what I want to achieve?
Do I take the time to discuss my aspirations and goals with others?
Do I assess my present as well as previous performance capabilities?
Do I provide opportunities for myself to check my progress regularly?
Do I encourage myself to acknowledge my goal-setting results?
Do I set realistic goals that are attainable?
Do I consider alternatives in problem solving and make my own decisions?
Do I allow myself the consequences of my actions or do I do nothing so as to avoid them (positive or negative)?
Do I encourage myself to influence my own direction in my studies and projects?
Do I avoid undue comparisons of other individual performances?

5.competence
com·pe·tence (kmp-tns)n.

1.

a. The state or quality of being adequately or well qualified; ability. See Synonyms at ability.

b. A specific range of skill, knowledge, or ability.

Do I provide opportunities for myself to succeed?
Are my expectations realistic-That is related to what I can accomplish?
Do I provide opportunities for awards and recognition beyond strictly "academic achievement"?
Do I invite myself to expand my special talents and interests and share them with my peers?
Do I express confidence in my ability to learn?
Do I let myself receive feedback on how to increase my competence?
Do I sequence subject areas in small steps so I have the opportunity to achieve?
Do I assess my knowledge of subject matter so that I am fully apprised of my capabilities?
Do I take steps to ensure assess to my own progress and not compare myself to others?
Do I encourage myself to praise myself for my accomplishments?
Do I give myself opportunities to become aware of my own capabilities and strengths?

These things are esential in becoming whole.
They are also important as parents to gain a good grasp on.
I see in the children I am raising some gaps.
It is my heart to become whole and to heal them as well
That now gaps exist and that their adulthood are sound and free from the pit falls that woundedness in these things bring.

I will be begining an exercise in jurnaling my way through these issues in a process of questions and answers.
Join in feel free...
Ask yourself these questions and heal.

Cognitive Distortions

I am going to post a series of reconstructive thought processes. It is my hope that others will find this not only informative but helpful.

These are things common to socialized dysfunction and or abuse whether emotional or physical.

List of distortions

Many cognitive distortions are also logical fallacies; related links are suggested in parentheses.

1. All-or-nothing thinking - Thinking of things in absolute terms, like "always", "every" or "never". Few aspects of human behavior are so absolute. (See false dilemma.)
2. Overgeneralization - Taking isolated cases and using them to make wide generalizations. (See hasty generalization.)
3. Mental filter - Focusing exclusively on certain, usually negative or upsetting, aspects of something while ignoring the rest, like a tiny imperfection in a piece of clothing. (See misleading vividness.)
4. Disqualifying the positive - Continually "shooting down" positive experiences for arbitrary, ad hoc reasons. (See special pleading.)
5. Jumping to conclusions - Assuming something negative where there is no evidence to support it. Two specific subtypes are also identified:
   • Mind reading - Assuming the intentions of others.
   • Fortune telling - Predicting how things will turn before they happen. (See slippery slope.)
6. Magnification and Minimization - Inappropriately understating or exaggerating the way people or situations truly are. Often the positive characteristics of other people are exaggerated and negative characteristics are understated. There is one subtype of magnification:
   • Catastrophizing - Focusing on the worst possible outcome, however unlikely, or thinking that a situation is unbearable or impossible when it is really just uncomfortable.
7. Emotional reasoning - Making decisions and arguments based on how you feel rather than objective reality. (See appeal to consequences.)
8. Making should statements - Concentrating on what you think "should" or ought to be rather than the actual situation you are faced with, or having rigid rules which you think should always apply no matter what the circumstances are. Albert Ellis termed this "Musturbation". (See wishful thinking.)
9. Labeling and Mislabeling - Explaining behaviors or events, merely by naming them; related to overgeneralization. Rather than describing the specific behavior, you assign a label to someone or yourself that puts them in absolute and unalterable terms. Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded.
10. Personalization (or attribution) - Assuming you or others directly caused things when that may not have been the case. (See illusion of control.) When applied to others, blame is an example.

Hope for brain damage caused from abuse

Internal damage to the matter of the brain from years of abuse is a real issue many survivors face.
It is only now being recognized as Non Epileptic Seizures.
This in itself a miss-nomer, for any thing that is not electrical has not been recognized by the general medical profession.
I am VERY fortunate to have been stumbled into the hands of a very few select professionals who understand the effects of long term abuse and yes even torture.
Very few survivors ever over come to this point due to many factors including ignorance , lack of support both emotional and financial just to name a few. Poor quality of care is also one of them.

It was in the 50's that they were doing mass frontal labatemies (sp?). Were they stuck ice picks into the brain via the eye socket and just tour up the frontal lobe. Scary thought.

It is a scary thought for those who suffer with this type of mental illness to get help. For me the road has been very long and hard. I am one who was aided in the process by an apparently very high intellect. I say that from the responses and results of countless test and studies.

Today upon returning to the neurologist I found that although there may be an exceedingly slim chance of MS. it is more than likely in both of our options that the issue is this neuro damage making its way out my bones through symptoms that are very much real.

So the neurologist has had a practice several years and decided a few years ago to further his education and get a doctrine in psychology. It is his offer for me to consider this proposal...

He has to have 7 sessions with client to finish his dissertation. He asked if I might be willing to to receive the cognitive restructuring (the only known aide to this N.E.S. condition) from him. Through my insurance using a covering of an office he will work under. He said that his liability insurance had no issue with it. He is in the process of getting a sponsor who is the head of the board of physiology. Under his covering he could pursue the last of his (second) doctrine. He would then use my case as a dissertation paper.

I am almost to cry. I do not know why I lived, but this is so amazing to think I may be able to get help, and to educated the medical profession at large. Help in the restoration from a very rare disorder that so effects those who live though abuse and or torture. The hard wirer of the brain is so difficult to restructure. It is like the torture never stops to the brain (not the intellectual part) and it just continues to respond like the abuse never stop.
I would help out some of those who might other wise become like so many I have known. ..dead at their own hand.

It is so very rare that any of us are able to function at such a high level. It is hoped that cognitive restructuring of the brain might give me a freedom from the systems that plague me to this day and are steadily getting worse as I (my brain) ages. It is by the grace of God that he created me so very bright as to be able to become restored to this degree. We know that this is his desire for my peers as well.

I told the neurologist I would consider his offer. He asked me to please not just let it go as far as keeping an eye on the systems that are taking away my cognitive abilities. We might just be able to turn this around. I would be a test subject in this new and advancing break though in helping survivors to thrive.

We live in amazing times

abuse leaves an effect on the brain

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

1. A serious injury or shock to the body, as from violence or an accident.
2. An emotional wound or shock that creates substantial, lasting damage to the psychological development of a person, often leading to neurosis.
3. An event or situation that causes great distress and disruption.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - (PTSD), mental disorder that follows an occurrence of extreme psychological stress, such as that encountered in war or resulting from violence, childhood abuse, sexual abuse, or serious accident. The stressful event is usually followed by a period of emotional numbness and denial that can last for months or years. After that period, symptoms such as recurring nightmares, "flashbacks," short-term memory problems, insomnia, or heightened sensitivity to sudden noises may begin. In some cases outbursts of violent behavior have been observed. The usual treatment for PTSD is individual psychotherapy, including anxiety management, or group psychotherapy with others who have the disorder. Some antianxiety and antidepressant drugs are being studied for their effectiveness.

Certain traits (a history of depression, shyness, impulsivity) appear to heighten a person's risk of experiencing PTSD after a traumatic event. In those who do experience it, there is growing evidence that actual physical changes occur in the brain. The hippocampus, a structure that lies deep in the brain and that is associated with memory, has been found to be smaller in PTSD victims. It has been hypothesized that excesses of cortisol, a steroid hormone released during periods of extreme stress, may damage nerve fibers in the area or actually kill the nerve cells. However, the role of cortisol is not completely understood; studies of concentration camp survivors found abnormally low levels of cortisol rather than abnormally high levels.

Post-traumatic stress disorder was referred to as "shell shock" after World War I and as "battle fatigue" after World War II and was traditionally thought of as a condition of war veterans. Studies of Vietnam veterans and Nazi concentration camp survivors have added greatly to the knowledge of PTSD. The National Vietnam Veterans Readjustment Study (1988) estimated that 31% of the males and 27% of the females who served in the Vietnam War had symptoms of PTSD. Estimates of civilian populations put the rate of PTSD at 10% (women) and 5% (men) in the 15 to 54 age group. Childhood sexual abuse, sexual abuse, and assault are common causes of PTSD in both military and nonmilitary women. In 1989 the U.S. Congress created the National Center for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder for the study and treatment of PTSD.

Although I have been so restored in so many ways (yes God heals) I have torn fibers of this cloth I am made of. To think that you just stitch new cloth to old and call it healed is a bit ludicrous and dangerous. One who then tears at the seam when that new cloth shrinks in their tears is said to be less of a Christian. Well that I find to be just plain cruel.
Suppose that is just a bit defensive...I am tired of judgmental ignorance wounding those who suffer enough in this world. Suppose enough said regarding those types of comments.
My relationship and friendship with my maker is quite strong I assure you. It is not for a lack of faith, or effort.
Your toes just might pinch in our shoes if you ever had to trod in them.

better if it were a noose around the neck.

caught more
Please pray for the rescued children
Thrown into the deep sea than for those who suffer one of these.

What goes around comes around.

The joy of retribution
justice for one