So think on these things...
Thankful for...
Love
loving
being loved
my best friend being my husband
my childrn being beautiful and wonderful to raise
friends who remain even in my absence
success of others
flowers in the garden
veggies germinating in the earth
Mercy and favor from God
Hair on my neck
light in my eyes
ring on my finger
roof overhead
food to feed us
grass to grow
a day off for the children
tools like this to refocus
tanacity to toward boundries
skills to hone
talents to offer
a home of my own
home to offer a santuary to those I love
that finger nails grow back
a cord of three strands not easily broken
ivig to save my bones for this lifetime
gentleness from my darling mate
computer to type on
grief that is healing
The memories of my sweet sister how in her dieing of such a rare thing I am given the gift of extended life.
She was the woman who three years into my recovery came forward asking forgiveness. She said that the things I remembered were true when all of the others denial all but drove me to suicide, she saved my sanity too.
I miss my sister she knew how to commiserate without correction or council just an empathetic ear. I had that joint friendship this week with a wonderful woman my very most intimate friend and it really refreshed my soul.
I think I am real sad, thankful for the gift of sorrow is healing.
I think I am angry and the gift of that anger is power.
I am much more powerful these last months
I am thankful for that.
It has been hard for me to hold fast to who I am and not let another rob it from me.
It feels as if sometimes I am bought. I do not like it! It feels like the old rescue/abusive/victim triangle thing. I am not willing to remain in this tangle this snag. If it were a bad friendship I would remove myself. In this with the details it is not the wise way to go. Too caring of this other to preserve myself.
How you can want something so much yet reality is that it is not different than how it is.
I am vulnerable with my sisters loss. Others remain removed and I am so trying to support, love and give opportunity to a soul to become new. Reality is that accepting others as they are will have a profound effect on how it effects us. Wisdom at times is to bite tongue and love through it. It is life sucking however.
I just treasure a hold on this little life left that I have fought so hard for.
I beome a fog, as it it were as I wished it were, the relationship. It is a madness for it is still yet the same as old for the ingrained triad is so hard to challenge with the love that it takes. With the courage that it takes
For if it is challenged the rescuer then becomes victim martyr. It is so infuriating!
I am thankful that it is for all of this that I endure.
yee haw here comes the holiday season.
I wish it were just the four of us. So much so, no other issues to master.
Kindness is a rule of this old heart that feels so worn of practicing it.
Showing posts with label Kindness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Kindness. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
It is what it is and that is REAL
I wanted to write tonight . A couple of things . Suppose it is hard to know where to begin. Last Tuesday, 8 days ago I did a EMDR session on a most difficult event in my life. As a child of 4 I was sold for a price to be filmed in child hood --rn. I was torn up tortured and left broken of body soul and mind. That was some 44 years ago. I held it in all of those years. When I was in hospital 15 years ago I told on them but I never told myself all of what happened in detail. Last Tuesday I recalled every single detail while the EMDR process was occurring. It was like a movie before my eyes. Oh My SWEET LORD it was so hard and so painful a sight to recall within my minds eye. My physical eyes open the whole time.
I have been rather head spun these last several days with anger that could rip apart a stone. I have had to increase the medication for a few days. The other MD Phyc said "you are so blessed" so few ever make it to this point where the things forced into us are released in a healthy freeing way. Man what a roller coaster these last 8 days.
At one time the anger hit rage.
The rage triad of ...anger...loss or fear of loss... shame /guilt -hit me and for the first time the anger was mine the loss was mine HOWEVER the shame/guilt was NOT MINE! All of those many surgery's I suffered through. All of the stirrups my feet were in, all of the years childless longing to conceive. All of the years of rectal bleeding I suffered through in silence. The surgery in my 20's to repair the torn flesh. Torn was normal I did not even know I was not suppose to bleed. Torn form a childhood on through early adulthood. I thought hemorrhoids, that is what mom always said. Hasseled by my mom about it. Afriad to tell my family. My own sister knew she died in January this year. She knew about it, not the details.
It happend when my sibblings were gone at school and my mom was at work as was the wife of the **********dog bill who sold me. Living in our basement. He drugged me as the men laughed at the table as I nodded off. The other man reassuring bill that I would not remember.He called me rug rat and acted as if he was going to take me to nap. Held like a kind parent would at his shoulder against his chest.
Then HE BETRAY ME ONCE AGAIN! or I do not know if it was after this that the other event happened.
AT any rate I have had such rage in me or better said anger justified loss and mortification at the physical logistics of what was done to me. I am sicked literally by it physically.
A rollor coaster is in front of me and around me as anger hits, weeping begins and ends, then the anger.
The sickness in my belly.
You can try to forget the past but with the PTSD you will most likely just be going to a pretense a state of denial that will one day find itself crippling you into addictions or taking your own life like so many I have known before me.
The last two sessions of EMDR have set me to freedoms door. For I am having the scales that kept me under water swimming for the surface are falling off as a mermaid gains her legs.
NO ONE will ever make me hold my tears again!
All my life I have never been able to let ANYONE brush my hair, now I understand. Even after 28 years married to the same wonderful husband he knows to take care to come up and hug me from behind. It is almost impossible not to cringe before melting into his arms.
I see how all the violence that was forced into me by this deviant evil moron has been left as if I deserve little more. I KNOW know that I DESIRVE to be treated with respect and kindness. Even IF I might make a mistake, I do not need to tolerate unkindness form anyone~
I am teaching this now calmly to the kids when they mouth me, It is not alright with me to be treated unkindly and I will stand up to you if you do.
I have a sleep study coming up and I panicked today as the appointment was made. I snore badly and it could be hard on my heart and stroke is at issue as well. I could not breath and it was one of the most powerful panicks I have felt in a long long time.
I asked a very dear and trusted girl friend to go with me so I might be able to have ease. There will only be two patients but the technician is male. I can not be out of control asleep anywhere. Just can not. She was so kind she said "I find it amazing that you hold it together as well as you do".
This one thing really left me in a panic. That was the first time in years that I was in such a panicked state.
The EMDR is kicking me hard and healing me profoundly.
The binging at night is lessened. However today when panicked my lunch was enough to feed two and it left me sick. Over eating the panick. The feelings of not being understood. My husband thought it should not be any big deal. Strang that he actually said that to me.
It is what it is and that is REAL. I feel so much better knowing she will be there however I feel a bit concerned that something could come up and she would not be able to keep her promise.
my emotions are real intence and very much a roller coaster.
Did you know I scream my fool head off when I ride roller coasters like it defuses me. Happened at Disneyland. My Goodness screaming is even at the base of my chest as well.
I have been rather head spun these last several days with anger that could rip apart a stone. I have had to increase the medication for a few days. The other MD Phyc said "you are so blessed" so few ever make it to this point where the things forced into us are released in a healthy freeing way. Man what a roller coaster these last 8 days.
At one time the anger hit rage.
The rage triad of ...anger...loss or fear of loss... shame /guilt -hit me and for the first time the anger was mine the loss was mine HOWEVER the shame/guilt was NOT MINE! All of those many surgery's I suffered through. All of the stirrups my feet were in, all of the years childless longing to conceive. All of the years of rectal bleeding I suffered through in silence. The surgery in my 20's to repair the torn flesh. Torn was normal I did not even know I was not suppose to bleed. Torn form a childhood on through early adulthood. I thought hemorrhoids, that is what mom always said. Hasseled by my mom about it. Afriad to tell my family. My own sister knew she died in January this year. She knew about it, not the details.
It happend when my sibblings were gone at school and my mom was at work as was the wife of the **********dog bill who sold me. Living in our basement. He drugged me as the men laughed at the table as I nodded off. The other man reassuring bill that I would not remember.He called me rug rat and acted as if he was going to take me to nap. Held like a kind parent would at his shoulder against his chest.
Then HE BETRAY ME ONCE AGAIN! or I do not know if it was after this that the other event happened.
AT any rate I have had such rage in me or better said anger justified loss and mortification at the physical logistics of what was done to me. I am sicked literally by it physically.
A rollor coaster is in front of me and around me as anger hits, weeping begins and ends, then the anger.
The sickness in my belly.
You can try to forget the past but with the PTSD you will most likely just be going to a pretense a state of denial that will one day find itself crippling you into addictions or taking your own life like so many I have known before me.
The last two sessions of EMDR have set me to freedoms door. For I am having the scales that kept me under water swimming for the surface are falling off as a mermaid gains her legs.
NO ONE will ever make me hold my tears again!
All my life I have never been able to let ANYONE brush my hair, now I understand. Even after 28 years married to the same wonderful husband he knows to take care to come up and hug me from behind. It is almost impossible not to cringe before melting into his arms.
I see how all the violence that was forced into me by this deviant evil moron has been left as if I deserve little more. I KNOW know that I DESIRVE to be treated with respect and kindness. Even IF I might make a mistake, I do not need to tolerate unkindness form anyone~
I am teaching this now calmly to the kids when they mouth me, It is not alright with me to be treated unkindly and I will stand up to you if you do.
I have a sleep study coming up and I panicked today as the appointment was made. I snore badly and it could be hard on my heart and stroke is at issue as well. I could not breath and it was one of the most powerful panicks I have felt in a long long time.
I asked a very dear and trusted girl friend to go with me so I might be able to have ease. There will only be two patients but the technician is male. I can not be out of control asleep anywhere. Just can not. She was so kind she said "I find it amazing that you hold it together as well as you do".
This one thing really left me in a panic. That was the first time in years that I was in such a panicked state.
The EMDR is kicking me hard and healing me profoundly.
The binging at night is lessened. However today when panicked my lunch was enough to feed two and it left me sick. Over eating the panick. The feelings of not being understood. My husband thought it should not be any big deal. Strang that he actually said that to me.
It is what it is and that is REAL. I feel so much better knowing she will be there however I feel a bit concerned that something could come up and she would not be able to keep her promise.
my emotions are real intence and very much a roller coaster.
Did you know I scream my fool head off when I ride roller coasters like it defuses me. Happened at Disneyland. My Goodness screaming is even at the base of my chest as well.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Attention Memoir and Narrative Non-Fiction Writers
My Entry 200 words
Knocking he stood, knocking at the door. It impressing me now how many years ago the impact my sister had on me. Standing there in the sun with a post card in my hand. Not that it came by mail but from her somehow on that visit so long ago. Her Husband a carpenter was simple in wisdom the very best kind. Even little as I was he placed his hammer in my hand. The nails were strong thick and long. Two by four “Now hammer it” he said. He freed me from within. Trusting me to hold tight as I threw that hatred down. Blow after blow. Even back then I wonder if he knew the hurt and the heart ache I let go on those capable nails. Not one bent if I recall as my sister there leaning at the door frame smiled knowingly at him.
That is some of the very first things that I recall staying there in that home freed for a few days from my own. My sister eighteen years my senior. Her husband felt as if he were almost her father. A wise old sage. An American Indian with a strong frame.
to Literary Agentscontest
CONTEST!
Win a free critique of the first 25 pages of your memoir or work of Narrative non-fiction.
VISIT: Guide to Literary Agents Blog spot. www.guidetoliteraryagents.com/blog/
CONTEST CLOSES: Jan 31st 2010
HOW TO SUBMIT: (copied from Literary Agents Blog)
You can leave your entry in the Comments section of the post on 'guide to literary agents' blog, or just e-mail it. Send e-mailed entries to januaryagentcontest@gmail.com. (If using e-mail, paste everything. No attachments.)
WHAT TO SUBMIT:
The first 200 words of your unpublished, book-length work of memoir, femoir or narrative nonfiction (also called creative nonfiction). You must include a contact e-mail address with your entry and use your real name. Though not mandatory, feel free to submit the title of the work and a logline (one-sentence description of the work) with your entry.
Please note: To be eligible to submit, you have to do one of two things: 1) Mention and link to this contest twice through any social media - blogs, Twitter, Facebook, forums, message boards, comments on other blog sites; or 2) just mention this contest once and also add Guide to Literary Agents Blog (www.guidetoliteraryagents.com/blog) to your blogroll. Please provide link(s).
PRIZES!!!
First place: 1) A critique of 25 pages of your work, by your agent judge. 2) Two free books from Writer's Digest Books (I will give you several choices and you pick the books your want).
Runner-ups - second and third place: 1) A critique of 10 pages of your work, by your agent judge. 2) One free book from Writer's Digest Books (I will give you several choices and you pick the book your want).
WHAT ABOUT YOU? Know of any contests around that you want to shout out in the comments section? Please do :)
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Clean up duty
I love a good fight...
but the question is
are you fighting to punish
or to make a change?
Gandhi
but the question is
are you fighting to punish
or to make a change?
Gandhi
I heard this question tonight...It is a very pertinent question.
a "grown up" punishes
an "Adult" makes a change
I desired to not be like them...my offenders.
With all my heart I want that.
Asked a question the other day
"just when will I know that I have given myself a life"
that being my mantra in the days of youth...
I see a bit more clearly my next phase...
My offenders were Grown ups...as defined
a "grown up" punishes
an "Adult" makes a change
I desired to not be like them...my offenders.
With all my heart I want that.
Asked a question the other day
"just when will I know that I have given myself a life"
that being my mantra in the days of youth...
I see a bit more clearly my next phase...
My offenders were Grown ups...as defined
- Grown up (little person in a big body )
Scary
mean
secretive
Out of control
powerful
liars
unhappy
Manipulators
absent
nasty
hateful
self-consumed
wicked
angry
Pretend
So I asked myself what is it I am fighting for?
And found a disturbing answer.
I want to punish because I am angry, out of control unhappy about being secretive about how I feel when my reality is dismissed.
I pretend that I am not hurt and that makes me a liar.
It keeps me absent , self consumed.
I then become a scary manipulator,
threatening absence
And found a disturbing answer.
I want to punish because I am angry, out of control unhappy about being secretive about how I feel when my reality is dismissed.
I pretend that I am not hurt and that makes me a liar.
It keeps me absent , self consumed.
I then become a scary manipulator,
threatening absence
I read this on a class paper of years ago
We defend our dishonesty on the premise that it might hurt others.
I have rationalized my phoniness into nobility.
So I settled for a non intimate relationship with her.
I wanted to punish my sister for all those long ago unacknowledged hurts.
I am being mean.
My God how much I must of hurt her over all these years as well.
How betrayed must she feel?
very I am sure
I can justify myself till I am blue in the face
two wrongs do not make a right!
I have actually been nasty and hateful by wanting to punish.
It is time to scrub these hands clean!
In my "grown up" way all I could see was how bad I was hurt.
I have rationalized my phoniness into nobility.
So I settled for a non intimate relationship with her.
Wow that is pretty Wicked!
That is what is tearing me up!
I am acting like them!
I just can't stand that in my heart!
Clean hands and a pure heart demand me to challenge myself here.
Dang!
I'm pulling up the big boots here!
song lyric...
Out on the outskirts of my freedoms
I was looking for fences that would keep me in
and I found there were none.
Where did my heart go?
Where have I been ?
He opened my eyes to the heart ache and lies
and I closed them again.
And I want to go home to my Father .
I want to be part of where
my heart says I belong.
I want to wash my weary feet in living water.
I been away way too long
I want to go home.
We defend our dishonesty on the premise that it might hurt others.
I have rationalized my phoniness into nobility.
So I settled for a non intimate relationship with her.
I wanted to punish my sister for all those long ago unacknowledged hurts.
I am being mean.
My God how much I must of hurt her over all these years as well.
How betrayed must she feel?
very I am sure
I can justify myself till I am blue in the face
two wrongs do not make a right!
I have actually been nasty and hateful by wanting to punish.
It is time to scrub these hands clean!
In my "grown up" way all I could see was how bad I was hurt.
I have rationalized my phoniness into nobility.
So I settled for a non intimate relationship with her.
Wow that is pretty Wicked!
That is what is tearing me up!
I am acting like them!
I just can't stand that in my heart!
Clean hands and a pure heart demand me to challenge myself here.
Dang!
I'm pulling up the big boots here!
song lyric...
Out on the outskirts of my freedoms
I was looking for fences that would keep me in
and I found there were none.
Where did my heart go?
Where have I been ?
He opened my eyes to the heart ache and lies
and I closed them again.
And I want to go home to my Father .
I want to be part of where
my heart says I belong.
I want to wash my weary feet in living water.
I been away way too long
I want to go home.
- Adult (Integrity, asking the precious child, protective, caring, committed, unconditional love, loyal)
safe
kind, gentle
open,honest
self-assured
powerful
truthful,consistent
content, Happy
Negotiators
reliable
chaste, good
loving
giving
Pure,good
Angry, respectful
Reality.
I know that in many ways I am an adult.
It is time I start learning more though about acting like one.
It is time I start learning more though about acting like one.
So Sis if your reading this well...
I am sorry for such a poor show of love.
I am sorry for how terribly I hurt you.
We both have to become more adult to each other.
I own that.
I am not going to pull away from you to punish
it is not my job to punish anyone.
I do so hope though to continue to fight for change,
in myself and in our relationship.
Now... to grow up and say this to your face .
I am so tired of letting that scary powerful mean
"grown up"
intimidate me from becoming your friend.
Every time I feel betrayed.
You must feel that way too.
Why here?
why public?
because this is my blog
This is my way of giving back
I do so hope that this journey can make your path
have fewer stones to stumble on.
As always your prayers made a difference in my life today
Thank you with all my washed hands and heart.
I am sorry for such a poor show of love.
I am sorry for how terribly I hurt you.
We both have to become more adult to each other.
I own that.
I am not going to pull away from you to punish
it is not my job to punish anyone.
I do so hope though to continue to fight for change,
in myself and in our relationship.
Now... to grow up and say this to your face .
I am so tired of letting that scary powerful mean
"grown up"
intimidate me from becoming your friend.
Every time I feel betrayed.
You must feel that way too.
Why here?
why public?
because this is my blog
This is my way of giving back
I do so hope that this journey can make your path
have fewer stones to stumble on.
As always your prayers made a difference in my life today
Thank you with all my washed hands and heart.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Wow!That is just awesome!
I have gained understanding in so many of the people who I have met through my abuse recovery who were so wounded that I was really left to see and think it is no wonder ....I wound not feel connected to the other gender either if I had known the journey they had. These were not the folks who needed to be hated, judged or ridiculed these were wounded people who only had affiliation from those who were "of the world " as they say.
A sense of belonging is innate to the human experience.
If we reject one another then it begs the question where do we belong?
Stand for what you believe in by example.
I (for all have sinned and fallen short) am redeemed only by unmerited grace and favor I have only that leg to brace me.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Valentine's Day Poem for My Wife
As a child; raised in pain; eager for a fulfilling life, you danced before God.
You danced before your parents.
Your dance is beautiful.
As an adolescent; troubled and tossed about.
Ignored, your eyes were pierced with darts of fire.
You longed for peace and found none.
Your eyes are beautiful.
A young womans feet in a race.
Racing to a place of solace and peace.
The ground shifting all around; upheaval, danger, discord.
Your feet are beautiful.
The woman sets her hands to the task of healing.
She weaves a new life out of tattered remnants.
The pieces fit together and the tapestry begins to reveal the masterpiece.
Your hands are beautiful.
My wife, and mother of my children; your heart is most beautiful of all.
You provide for your family from its bounty every day.
Heart prayers; heart wishes; heart dreams; heart life!
Your heart is beautiful.
You are beautiful.
With all my love,
Steve
You danced before your parents.
Your dance is beautiful.
As an adolescent; troubled and tossed about.
Ignored, your eyes were pierced with darts of fire.
You longed for peace and found none.
Your eyes are beautiful.
A young womans feet in a race.
Racing to a place of solace and peace.
The ground shifting all around; upheaval, danger, discord.
Your feet are beautiful.
The woman sets her hands to the task of healing.
She weaves a new life out of tattered remnants.
The pieces fit together and the tapestry begins to reveal the masterpiece.
Your hands are beautiful.
My wife, and mother of my children; your heart is most beautiful of all.
You provide for your family from its bounty every day.
Heart prayers; heart wishes; heart dreams; heart life!
Your heart is beautiful.
You are beautiful.
With all my love,
Steve
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Life with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (P.T.S.D.)
Life with Post traumatic Stress Disorder PTSD
We know about this response to trauma because of our war veterans, but there are other kinds of veterans as well. We who survive, whether we overcome or not have a condition often that can really hinder us. Although we can see great progress in a life time it is still a "knee jerk" reaction that often can leave us "different".
Case in point
Beloved and I like to watch a show called "The Office" it is a sit com sorta true to life and very funny. It is also at times very poignant. We come together in his office after story time and just share an astonished glimpse into the mind of some very insightful writers and some very talented actors and actresses. It has always been a safe show with a few boarder line sometimes just over the line moments. Until the night before last. "The Beach episode"
The office team had a beach party with fire walking to try to make a point by the goofy lead character. The character Dwight decided to do the fire walk and try to acquire the bosses job, (the boss was to be promoted). In the scean Dwight stood in the coals and I just locked up. I managed to pull the blanket over my head in hopes that beloved would stop the show. Well Hubby was engrossed and did not see me. I could not make my voice work and I began to rock and was trying to sit it out then they began to scream and I just bolted out of the room seeing Dwight laying in the coals as I ran out of the room. Beloved was crushed that he did not see it. He knows what happened with Carolyn and the murder. It did not happen to him though so he is not effected in the same way I am. He is however very understanding.
We have within us a flight /fight mechanism. In a person with P.T.S.D. we sometimes loose that ability to govern that at will. I really hate it when my voice wont work. I cant speak and I can become unable to move. I become "The Stone One" that is what I always called myself. I just turn to stone. That night I ran, I RAN! that is so big (I have ran before), but there was a day when I just could not move!
I was able to stay present in the moment. Years back that trigger would of taken me right back to the murder scene. I had to go get in my bed and was not able to converse however for the rest of the night. Sorta "dear in the headlight" and very nauseous. I can't speak of my friend here. It was one of the last things I had to address in my recovery. I did contact the police in that town years after the fact. God is so merciful. Another witness my age had called and reported the same event that took place during the same time period in history. I wonder if it was the girlfriend who had made contact with me some months back. I'll maybe never know for she promptly stopped contact when I spoke of being abused she asked me why I did not do or say something and I told her how I was told they would hurt her. Whoever it was really took a great deal of courage. You see when evil is in the upper eshilons of a community it is a very powerful force. History untold will repeat itself.
Well I spent the day yesterday sorta locked up. I sat here and then tended to my son the rest of the day It took me several hours to let my shoulders down. Stress disorders are insidious! They effect every part of your life. The idea of trying to sell on ebay or etsy becomes bigger than life and the annoyance of it is frustrating to say the least.
P.T.S.D. is a very difficult thing to live with. You can gain more authority over it through kindness. Being kind to yourself and remembering that it is ""NO WONDER"" when you have an event really helps to reduce the stress. The hormones and chemicals produced through the adrenaline rush is exhaustive. Be kind to yourself.
I need to be very kind to myself.
My friend died by torture through fire a the hand of that bastard. She was a runaway who was trying to protect me, that night it was my turn on the stone table. She died trying to save me. I saw her murder...I try to do everything I can to stop seeing her murder.
Whenever someone burns on the TV or movie is is so hard for me. Hollywood likes to show those things and it is so hard to avoid it. So many things in life are horrid but I wish I could go through my life never seeing it again. I know that it will not be the case...but I wish those images would be invisible to me.
Those who have experienced torture or events too unspeakable need kindness.
You know what you should just be kind to everyone
for you never know who we are among you.
Be sensitive,
if you see me flinch
don't raise your hand at me...you know.
We know about this response to trauma because of our war veterans, but there are other kinds of veterans as well. We who survive, whether we overcome or not have a condition often that can really hinder us. Although we can see great progress in a life time it is still a "knee jerk" reaction that often can leave us "different".
Case in point
Beloved and I like to watch a show called "The Office" it is a sit com sorta true to life and very funny. It is also at times very poignant. We come together in his office after story time and just share an astonished glimpse into the mind of some very insightful writers and some very talented actors and actresses. It has always been a safe show with a few boarder line sometimes just over the line moments. Until the night before last. "The Beach episode"
The office team had a beach party with fire walking to try to make a point by the goofy lead character. The character Dwight decided to do the fire walk and try to acquire the bosses job, (the boss was to be promoted). In the scean Dwight stood in the coals and I just locked up. I managed to pull the blanket over my head in hopes that beloved would stop the show. Well Hubby was engrossed and did not see me. I could not make my voice work and I began to rock and was trying to sit it out then they began to scream and I just bolted out of the room seeing Dwight laying in the coals as I ran out of the room. Beloved was crushed that he did not see it. He knows what happened with Carolyn and the murder. It did not happen to him though so he is not effected in the same way I am. He is however very understanding.
We have within us a flight /fight mechanism. In a person with P.T.S.D. we sometimes loose that ability to govern that at will. I really hate it when my voice wont work. I cant speak and I can become unable to move. I become "The Stone One" that is what I always called myself. I just turn to stone. That night I ran, I RAN! that is so big (I have ran before), but there was a day when I just could not move!
I was able to stay present in the moment. Years back that trigger would of taken me right back to the murder scene. I had to go get in my bed and was not able to converse however for the rest of the night. Sorta "dear in the headlight" and very nauseous. I can't speak of my friend here. It was one of the last things I had to address in my recovery. I did contact the police in that town years after the fact. God is so merciful. Another witness my age had called and reported the same event that took place during the same time period in history. I wonder if it was the girlfriend who had made contact with me some months back. I'll maybe never know for she promptly stopped contact when I spoke of being abused she asked me why I did not do or say something and I told her how I was told they would hurt her. Whoever it was really took a great deal of courage. You see when evil is in the upper eshilons of a community it is a very powerful force. History untold will repeat itself.
Well I spent the day yesterday sorta locked up. I sat here and then tended to my son the rest of the day It took me several hours to let my shoulders down. Stress disorders are insidious! They effect every part of your life. The idea of trying to sell on ebay or etsy becomes bigger than life and the annoyance of it is frustrating to say the least.
P.T.S.D. is a very difficult thing to live with. You can gain more authority over it through kindness. Being kind to yourself and remembering that it is ""NO WONDER"" when you have an event really helps to reduce the stress. The hormones and chemicals produced through the adrenaline rush is exhaustive. Be kind to yourself.
I need to be very kind to myself.
My friend died by torture through fire a the hand of that bastard. She was a runaway who was trying to protect me, that night it was my turn on the stone table. She died trying to save me. I saw her murder...I try to do everything I can to stop seeing her murder.
Whenever someone burns on the TV or movie is is so hard for me. Hollywood likes to show those things and it is so hard to avoid it. So many things in life are horrid but I wish I could go through my life never seeing it again. I know that it will not be the case...but I wish those images would be invisible to me.
Those who have experienced torture or events too unspeakable need kindness.
You know what you should just be kind to everyone
for you never know who we are among you.
Be sensitive,
if you see me flinch
don't raise your hand at me...you know.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
"You lift me up" award.
Deborah over at "Chocolate and Coffee"
Sent me this Kind Award
She Wrote:
Donetta at A Life Restored is also a new site I have recently become acquainted with. God is also using her to touch lives of women in an amazing way.
There are so many wonderful ladies in blog world that are truly doing an incredible job for Jesus Christ. Hats off to each of you today! Thank you for your obedience and commitment to the calling God has placed on your lives.
Sent me this Kind Award
She Wrote:
Donetta at A Life Restored is also a new site I have recently become acquainted with. God is also using her to touch lives of women in an amazing way.
There are so many wonderful ladies in blog world that are truly doing an incredible job for Jesus Christ. Hats off to each of you today! Thank you for your obedience and commitment to the calling God has placed on your lives.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
"Blogging Best Friends Award"
Shawna over at "Scamps Place", If you only knew the encouragement I felt at seeing this thoughtful gift.
The award she gave me was the Blogging Friend Forever Award, which is "presented to awesome BLOG owners who keep their readers excited about their posts. Their blog posts are interesting (NOT spammy) and worth reading and keep their subscribers looking forward to each and every post."
She wrote:
I will be giving this award to a few other blogging friends who really give their hearts out during their posts:
Donetta at A Life Uncommom and A Life Restored. She shares the dark struggles God was able to bring her out of. She definitely has a life-changing story that God gave her the ability to be able to share.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
I must reply to you Dear Anonymos
Anonymous said...
Your entire family should be taken out and shot. What a vial bunch of bastards they all must be. I pray to God that they haven't spawned future victims to replace you now that you are free. How could they stand idly by and let this abuse happen to you. May they all suffer horrible pain all of their days, may they never find the healing and freedom that you have come to know, for they could never wash your blood off their hands. I hope that when you ever see any of those siblings that you spit into their eyes as I would for you. May they be damned to Hell for eternity for all that you have suffered. I will pray for them to soon meet their maker in some horrible fashion. So that you may be free of them from the physical and spiritual sense. I am sorry for you that you had to grow up in such a family to be singled out by such vilianous people. Sister in God
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
MommaBlogga Writing Project Thank You Mother
In late 2000, The call came in from my Friend. Honor your Mother and Father in the Land of the Living that it might go well for you.
He implored me to forgive.
It is the Role of Mother and Father we are to Honor. Who the person is or what they may have or may not have done was to be irrelevant.
What a friend!
He hounded me that only when I saw this act completed would I have the Peace I so longed for. Every time I went to talk with Him, He would say . Pretend your visiting Jesus in Prison.
A low cost nursing home was a lot like a prison. Closed by isolation, age paining every inch of her body she was a soul in torment.
I had made a vow! Never would she ever touch my child. Never ever would I ever let her touch me again!
He told me that those vows were foolish and that they were bringing death into my life. It was time to let go and renounce those old vows. This wa a struggle and I won by choice not by feeling.
So I knowing full, well how very, much My Dear Friend had my best interest at heart obeyed Him. He said go , I have no choice but the choice to do what is right. That is a choice made long ago one that has served me well no matter how bumpy a road I have walked in it.
Sitting there in the waiting room, the nurse came in in a very defensive stance. So good to see a defender there for this imprisoned soul. I much preferred it to a guard that has no compassion. I breathed deep. I am simply here because it is the right thing to do, I told her.
In a wheel chair the prisoner approached, how it made my skin crawl to let her touch my hand. I pretended. I saw like thorns upon her head, a wreath of her true heart, one that was repentant and grieved of her effects upon my life. I still had to pretend. I thought of the sacrifices HE made. I saw Him only like a man unjustly accused. She was forced to obey the evil, and at times choose too, this prisoner my Mother. I still had to pretend. I left that day having poured a large expensive flask of oil upon her head. The price I paid for that oil is so extreme that it is no longer a debt it is paid in full.
I returned again with my husband and child I obeyed my Friend for it was at His insistence that I return to the incarcerated soul. I however kept my vow, she did not touch my Dove. I kept that one at bay defensively, a promise made to God. My husband stood beside me as I staggered away from the event and held me up as the whipping of the guards hit my back to guard against it hitting hers.
Two more visits and a puffer fish who kept me in check at the dining hall table. It would remind me that it was Jesus I was visiting here. Humor kept me , removed me and embraced me. Love overcame all the stench and wreckage of a life torn into shreds.
At Christmas I went back again with my family keeping my word, no touching my child. I'll go visit "HIM" again. Once more alone and when my child and her daddy left the room this prisoner said. "I had written it all Donetta ,I told of what the K.K.K. had done" "I told it and ,so and so, burned the manuscript." "I'm so sorry sweetheart You told the truth and no one believed you".
"TELL, DONETTA TELL ALL! Please tell all so that it will stop!" she said. This prisoner then dropped the veil that was Jesus and her face was then exposed to me. I saw her. It was safe to.
One more time in February I was told to go. I left here at once and arrived to a fog of a human, I told her of my son to come of an adoption in progress..."She then said..it wasn't my fault they killed him (speaking of my elder sisters twin) I heard the doctor say just keep her impregnated and then she will forget it... I NEVER FORGOT DONETTA, I didn't tell on them but I never forgot"
My child said I want away from here Mommy < I left.
When I was at rest my Friend said again," be ready she will die soon". I set arrangements so that childcare could be in an instant
Two days later the call came, Mom is in the Hospital she is dieing a sibling said to me.
I secured Dove and left to go to say good bye. Around her bed were yapping dogs and awaiting vultures. ( I may make some enemy's here but this is my truth) as I entered the nurses were fatigued of it. I placed my hand on her back and she later told me how grateful she was for my presence. It was my Friend who came with me, Invisibly Present Palpable He NEVER LEFT MY SIDE. When the gruesome tasks were to be done I secured a Social Security Number and walked away back to her. Bedside the nurse looked at me in amazement because every time I entered the room her rates came down and she would stabilize.
I was chosen to go in the ambulance with her to the Hospice. As we drove I hummed and sang hymns softly to her. The driver put the radio station on a Christian channel with the song of "How lovely on the Mountains are the feet of those..." we drove into the East toward the crystal clear mountain range.
She passed there at hospice.
It was three days later. My husband was with our child and he was in the process of the plant closing. He was not able to be there for me emotionally. My child was secure, some would touch her( my mothers) legs saying "see when its like that it means that she die soon, I held my tongue, biting it. I used the sponge and gave her water. It reminded me of Christ on the Cross.
In the next bed was an Elder gentleman with his passing bride. It was only us four in the room . I gave him my chair, and sat in a cold steel folding chair. "Momma", I said if you are with Him tell Him What you would like me to sing.
Out of my mouth came...
"She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes, She'll be riding six white horses when she comes's, Oh ! we'll all go out to greet her, Yes Well all go out to greet her,Yes we'll all go out to great her when she comes.
Thank you Mother when you were a prisoner you spoke the truth and set me free.
Thank you for turning to Him in the end.
Thank you that one day we'll all come out and meet.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Lovely Award Given by Shorty Bears Place
My precious friend Denise at Shorty bears Place has blessed me with a lovely award today. How supportive and loving you are.
Here are the rules:For those who answer blog comments, emails and make their visitors feel at home on their blog. For the people who take others people's feelings into consideration before speaking out, and who are kind and courteous. Also for all those bloggers who spend so much of their time helping other bloggers design, improve and fix there sites. This award is for those generous bloggers who think of others.
So, know it is my turn to pick out five bloggers that I feel are deserving of this award. My choices are:
2
3
4
5
"These ladies always make me feel blessed by their kind comments they leave on my blog. Their own blogs make you feel at home, and you want to stay there awhile. I love you all." Denise wrote.
How thoughtful, How loving and kind.
Thank you sweet heart.
Here are the rules:For those who answer blog comments, emails and make their visitors feel at home on their blog. For the people who take others people's feelings into consideration before speaking out, and who are kind and courteous. Also for all those bloggers who spend so much of their time helping other bloggers design, improve and fix there sites. This award is for those generous bloggers who think of others.
So, know it is my turn to pick out five bloggers that I feel are deserving of this award. My choices are:
Please see my other blog for lists and links
Thank you.
Thank you.
1
3
4
5
"These ladies always make me feel blessed by their kind comments they leave on my blog. Their own blogs make you feel at home, and you want to stay there awhile. I love you all." Denise wrote.
How thoughtful, How loving and kind.
Thank you sweet heart.
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