The other morning I awoke from a dream.
In my dream I was in a car with a Very bigoted man. He was ridiculing every aspect of anything of any color other than Caucasian. The obtrusive bigotry was suffocating me. I was a kid in the dream. At one point there was a rest stop I was able to get out and walk over to a bench overlooking water. Just then a congregation of folks dressed in an ethnic garb like sari's came out and around the waters edge. Very softly my voice said "I wish my mom could just fly me home. It is so hard to be with this man for so many many miles. He is just so mean."...
Looking out into the water I saw the most beautiful crystal clear blue eyes looking back at me and in that instant he was at my shoulder.
I awoke.
Yesterday evening my brother called out of the blue because he had received an email I sent him in 2001! He though to call for it was too strange a thing.
I had told him of the dream asking him if He knew of anyone like that in our childhood. Of "course" he said bill. Now bill is he who raped me at 4 years old and we have been working EMDR on the issue with a real treasured gift of realizing at that very moment in my terrible youth I learned to HATE ME.
Now then he continued to tell me that bill's nephew had come to visit when I was 8 or so and my sister 10 or so. The boy not much older than my brother. He asked my brother to join him in "having us for some fun" as in raping us girls. My brother took him outside and kicked the ever livin crap out of him. Just beat him to a pulp.
My brother then told me how those folks were from the back waters of Louisiana where women were a possession as were children. I told him how many times when bill was molesting me that his wife was right there next to me in the bed.
The last thing his wife ever said to me was many years later in my young adult hood "I never slept with him after that" I had not a clue at the time why she said that. She was visiting my mom back when she was alive. She never spoke another word to me the whole time she was visiting and I had to leave. I was married to Steve at the time. It was shortly then after that I began remembering.
Wow, the healing that is going on by the EMDR. By clearing the frontal lobe of these trauma's I am remembering the day to day living of my life. There is room now in the cracks of what it was just to have a day in the life of.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Memory of my big sister Midge
Another memory of the safety of my sister’s shelter was around the time I must have been 8 ish. It is in her living room. Her daughter an infant was in an old wind up swing. The hand crank made a fascinating sound. I was a kid being a kid. Midge had given me a snack on a small plate. The baby in the the swing that was on the floor in front of the T.V. and I were watching Sesame Street. It was a humble place of a rental (?) or a small house. It was in Ogden I think seemed like it was more in town. It was nice there and she was so kind to me and gentle.
So vaguely it was as if the times with her ended like my/our mom and her got into a dispute or something. Perhaps her husband was transferred or got a job away from there and they left.
Her husband followed the breeze it seemed always nomadic. That is the sense of it anyway.
Love you
Aunt Donetta
So vaguely it was as if the times with her ended like my/our mom and her got into a dispute or something. Perhaps her husband was transferred or got a job away from there and they left.
Her husband followed the breeze it seemed always nomadic. That is the sense of it anyway.
Love you
Aunt Donetta
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Attention Memoir and Narrative Non-Fiction Writers
My Entry 200 words
Knocking he stood, knocking at the door. It impressing me now how many years ago the impact my sister had on me. Standing there in the sun with a post card in my hand. Not that it came by mail but from her somehow on that visit so long ago. Her Husband a carpenter was simple in wisdom the very best kind. Even little as I was he placed his hammer in my hand. The nails were strong thick and long. Two by four “Now hammer it” he said. He freed me from within. Trusting me to hold tight as I threw that hatred down. Blow after blow. Even back then I wonder if he knew the hurt and the heart ache I let go on those capable nails. Not one bent if I recall as my sister there leaning at the door frame smiled knowingly at him.
That is some of the very first things that I recall staying there in that home freed for a few days from my own. My sister eighteen years my senior. Her husband felt as if he were almost her father. A wise old sage. An American Indian with a strong frame.
to Literary Agentscontest
CONTEST!
Win a free critique of the first 25 pages of your memoir or work of Narrative non-fiction.
VISIT: Guide to Literary Agents Blog spot. www.guidetoliteraryagents.com/blog/
CONTEST CLOSES: Jan 31st 2010
HOW TO SUBMIT: (copied from Literary Agents Blog)
You can leave your entry in the Comments section of the post on 'guide to literary agents' blog, or just e-mail it. Send e-mailed entries to januaryagentcontest@gmail.com. (If using e-mail, paste everything. No attachments.)
WHAT TO SUBMIT:
The first 200 words of your unpublished, book-length work of memoir, femoir or narrative nonfiction (also called creative nonfiction). You must include a contact e-mail address with your entry and use your real name. Though not mandatory, feel free to submit the title of the work and a logline (one-sentence description of the work) with your entry.
Please note: To be eligible to submit, you have to do one of two things: 1) Mention and link to this contest twice through any social media - blogs, Twitter, Facebook, forums, message boards, comments on other blog sites; or 2) just mention this contest once and also add Guide to Literary Agents Blog (www.guidetoliteraryagents.com/blog) to your blogroll. Please provide link(s).
PRIZES!!!
First place: 1) A critique of 25 pages of your work, by your agent judge. 2) Two free books from Writer's Digest Books (I will give you several choices and you pick the books your want).
Runner-ups - second and third place: 1) A critique of 10 pages of your work, by your agent judge. 2) One free book from Writer's Digest Books (I will give you several choices and you pick the book your want).
WHAT ABOUT YOU? Know of any contests around that you want to shout out in the comments section? Please do :)
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
EMDR and the remainder of a day.
Dealing with memory is a hard thing.
This day I dealt with a process to help that memory to go from one part of my brain to another.
It is a process for folks with PTSD that is finding great success.
I did work on an event that took place when I was 4 yrs old. This was not the first time I have received therapy regarding this event. This was different. I did not go there I just saw it like a movie. A horrible horrible movie. Meanwhile the therapy works a technique that transfers the data into the long term part of the brain taking it out of the frontal lobe. Now many years folk have said "let the pass go".
Folks with PTSD would love nothing more than for it to "GO"
We try all sorts of trick. It is stuck however and it is not a matter of intellectually letting it go. Trust me it would all be gone if it were.
Body memories are a terrible thing cellular we hold within our beings instances in time that are locked into existence. Like when you smell a flower that is familiar and your mind goes to the time when a beloved gave you a bouquet of them.
I wish the flowers of life past were so pleasant but alas they are not. they are so not...
I am up this night at 2 a.m. I had a wonderful day today despite the fact that my sister died last week. She was the one who had the courage and was getting the help at the time and came forward to confirm my childhood. She was 18 years my elder.I have peace at her passing for there was nothing let undone between us.
I have locked into a little metal lock box rusted from being berried under grown all of the work that I did today. Waiting to think on or focus the thoughts of the filled in recall until the next time. I have to work on this even every few moments. Gaps were filled in today gaps that I never told a soul. Gaps that I locked up into the very heart of a child soul killed.
I was profoundly moved by the way I as a child responded to myself. With self hate and blame despising me.
It was surreal that as I walked out of the bathroom at the clinic that a 4 year old child sat there by the door. I have NEVER seen a child there. One time Dove had to sit in the tiny lobby and wait for me attended. That was the only time I knew or saw a kid there. I was touched by what the little girl looked like she was so sweet and beautiful, her hair combed and nice clothing on her. I thought this is not a coincidence that a 4 year old is sitting right there as I walked out to the lobby. After session I went into that tiny bathroom and sobbed. I sobbed. I breathed deeply and got some composure. Walked out of that bathroom and right there was an example of what it looked like to be a 4 year old girl child. my heart was so swollen with so many feelings horror dismay she was so sweet sitting there with so much promise and innocence. Mine was robbed me.
I am up tonight trying to keep all of that in that little metal box locked up until next time. Trusting that eventually with the EMDR that it will become less and less raw. Trying to ignore and pass through the physical pains this morning of body memory. Trying not to throw up. Trying not to react and remember that "it is no wonder". That I am alright this is just a phase of recovery to walk through.
Had it not been for all the work over the years I would of never been able to be at this place. The tools and knowledge I have gained and practiced over these long years set me to be able to do this work. It will be long and tedious work.
I had the strangest thing however today. A friend had watched the kids for me after school. When I went to get them home I was still spinning. I had talked my way home literally. Turn here, OK your alright , keep those things in the box. I had JOY this afternoon evening. I brought the kids home fixed a meal for each and had joy! joy! I has been a while. My husband went to a new men.s group tonight he adventured out to see about relating to others. That was huge for him. He was taking care of his heart. I was over joyed to support him in that I knew I could care for me. I realized a bit today how amazing I am at taking care of myself.
I made it through so many terrible horrific events and am here and not dead at my own hand or another.
I parented so lovingly. Helped my children peaceful complete homework, had wonderful exchanges with them. Tending the bed time ritual. Ready them a story and then some praise poetry. Poetry I read my kids poetry. I tried to lay beside my special needs child to help her to sleep in her own bed. It is a transition for her. At 1 a.m. I had her come back to sleep on her palat. My back was just in too much pain. I had taken pain meds before I laid down but by then they wore off. I took some more before this post. Soon I trust it will take the edge off my physical pain.
Keeping those things locked away is helping the pain in my heart stay at bay but I am so astounded at the data of the work I did today. Gaps that were filled in that I always get left out, the second by second of the event. This day has left me profoundly compassionate toward myself. It has also given me a great respect for who I am. I am really amazing. The things I lived through. The faith that I can hold in a God that many resent for the abuse they suffered at mans/woman's hands.
To be able to go through that and to go to God with and for that very comfort that no one else can give me right now. With everything in the box. Letting this woman child live by choice with it locked away. Exercising the act of keeping it there until next visit. We who survived and go one to learn to thrive are a truly amazing people.
I started a new medication in addition to the anti depressant that targets cognitive, I began a preventative medication for the anxiety. It is really helping with the flooding of the cortisol from the stress disorder. I feel so much better and more even. Stress of day in day out is lessened so much because I am able to more congruently manage it. So much less reaction to it now that I really feel better about myself all around. My parenting has improved so much I am so much calmer with my kids.
This day I dealt with a process to help that memory to go from one part of my brain to another.
It is a process for folks with PTSD that is finding great success.
I did work on an event that took place when I was 4 yrs old. This was not the first time I have received therapy regarding this event. This was different. I did not go there I just saw it like a movie. A horrible horrible movie. Meanwhile the therapy works a technique that transfers the data into the long term part of the brain taking it out of the frontal lobe. Now many years folk have said "let the pass go".
Folks with PTSD would love nothing more than for it to "GO"
We try all sorts of trick. It is stuck however and it is not a matter of intellectually letting it go. Trust me it would all be gone if it were.
Body memories are a terrible thing cellular we hold within our beings instances in time that are locked into existence. Like when you smell a flower that is familiar and your mind goes to the time when a beloved gave you a bouquet of them.
I wish the flowers of life past were so pleasant but alas they are not. they are so not...
I am up this night at 2 a.m. I had a wonderful day today despite the fact that my sister died last week. She was the one who had the courage and was getting the help at the time and came forward to confirm my childhood. She was 18 years my elder.I have peace at her passing for there was nothing let undone between us.
I have locked into a little metal lock box rusted from being berried under grown all of the work that I did today. Waiting to think on or focus the thoughts of the filled in recall until the next time. I have to work on this even every few moments. Gaps were filled in today gaps that I never told a soul. Gaps that I locked up into the very heart of a child soul killed.
I was profoundly moved by the way I as a child responded to myself. With self hate and blame despising me.
It was surreal that as I walked out of the bathroom at the clinic that a 4 year old child sat there by the door. I have NEVER seen a child there. One time Dove had to sit in the tiny lobby and wait for me attended. That was the only time I knew or saw a kid there. I was touched by what the little girl looked like she was so sweet and beautiful, her hair combed and nice clothing on her. I thought this is not a coincidence that a 4 year old is sitting right there as I walked out to the lobby. After session I went into that tiny bathroom and sobbed. I sobbed. I breathed deeply and got some composure. Walked out of that bathroom and right there was an example of what it looked like to be a 4 year old girl child. my heart was so swollen with so many feelings horror dismay she was so sweet sitting there with so much promise and innocence. Mine was robbed me.
I am up tonight trying to keep all of that in that little metal box locked up until next time. Trusting that eventually with the EMDR that it will become less and less raw. Trying to ignore and pass through the physical pains this morning of body memory. Trying not to throw up. Trying not to react and remember that "it is no wonder". That I am alright this is just a phase of recovery to walk through.
Had it not been for all the work over the years I would of never been able to be at this place. The tools and knowledge I have gained and practiced over these long years set me to be able to do this work. It will be long and tedious work.
I had the strangest thing however today. A friend had watched the kids for me after school. When I went to get them home I was still spinning. I had talked my way home literally. Turn here, OK your alright , keep those things in the box. I had JOY this afternoon evening. I brought the kids home fixed a meal for each and had joy! joy! I has been a while. My husband went to a new men.s group tonight he adventured out to see about relating to others. That was huge for him. He was taking care of his heart. I was over joyed to support him in that I knew I could care for me. I realized a bit today how amazing I am at taking care of myself.
I made it through so many terrible horrific events and am here and not dead at my own hand or another.
I parented so lovingly. Helped my children peaceful complete homework, had wonderful exchanges with them. Tending the bed time ritual. Ready them a story and then some praise poetry. Poetry I read my kids poetry. I tried to lay beside my special needs child to help her to sleep in her own bed. It is a transition for her. At 1 a.m. I had her come back to sleep on her palat. My back was just in too much pain. I had taken pain meds before I laid down but by then they wore off. I took some more before this post. Soon I trust it will take the edge off my physical pain.
Keeping those things locked away is helping the pain in my heart stay at bay but I am so astounded at the data of the work I did today. Gaps that were filled in that I always get left out, the second by second of the event. This day has left me profoundly compassionate toward myself. It has also given me a great respect for who I am. I am really amazing. The things I lived through. The faith that I can hold in a God that many resent for the abuse they suffered at mans/woman's hands.
To be able to go through that and to go to God with and for that very comfort that no one else can give me right now. With everything in the box. Letting this woman child live by choice with it locked away. Exercising the act of keeping it there until next visit. We who survived and go one to learn to thrive are a truly amazing people.
I started a new medication in addition to the anti depressant that targets cognitive, I began a preventative medication for the anxiety. It is really helping with the flooding of the cortisol from the stress disorder. I feel so much better and more even. Stress of day in day out is lessened so much because I am able to more congruently manage it. So much less reaction to it now that I really feel better about myself all around. My parenting has improved so much I am so much calmer with my kids.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
PTSD and Anxiety distroys the brains natural functions
There is a hope! The severity of the PTSD I live with has caused me to have neurological consequences to living in high flight or fight mode for so many years. Every thing from Stress related memory laps to reactionary ill temperament under stress that leads to depressed feeling of behavior that is not in line with my heart or who I really am.
Yesterday after all the many tests ruling out the other causes it is noted that with 80% or so certainty it is the PTSD that is so ill effected my health.
The VA has known about a dug used for seizure disorders that had an amazing effect well a side effect...it makes the area of the brain that is neurologically associated with the flight fight mechanism ease. This ease in effect gives the brain rest. A rest that can cause the PTSD effects of daily life, memory of events and reactionary adrenalin reactions to calm. Giving the brain a break a rest as it were so that your functioning can become normal to the environment. Funny thing that this is the only side effect other than in 5% of folk a rash can occur.
I am on my second day of the first level of the ladder amount build u that will occur over the next few weeks.
I have never been so able to be so calm. I CAN THINK! In the middle of the kids acting nuts I was able to calming reason and express ideas without reactions or stress build ups. It was so cool!
I am not sedated. It just feels like that storm of stress is backed off.
Thinking and cognitive function is often aided with anti depressants in the other center of the brain that is governed with aids of dopamine. This is different, it is actually calm. Most of the anti anxiety drugs are like narcotic so I would not use them unless I was in a real bad way. So to now I will use both the antidepressant to aid in the dopamine production and uptake , and this other to aid in this neuro chemical. I forgot the name of it.
With Anxiety another area of the brain is enacted. This is rarely addressed. My MD PHYC works a great deal with VETS and has used this treatment for many years. I responded poorly to him a few years ago in my journey thinking that he did not believe me or thought I was crazy because he would not treat me until the dementia was ruled out. He just was being careful not to treat me for something I might not of had. I misunderstood him and was in my wound unable to think clearly with out the suspect mentality of a survivor. The VETS are denied this medication for the manufacturers marketed it for seizure disorders because they can make more money on it so the most of us never learn of it. The VA will not even recognize when he prescribes to his patients that it has this side effect VETS NOT LIVING IN THE PTSD! Folk like me who do not comet suicide could even heal and be normal in the ability to think function without such a daily struggle.
The medication is lamictal odt
25mg for a week one a day
next week 50mg then wk 3 75 mg and so on until the level is one that has the norm that is acceptable and ease of function restored. I will still have the clonazopine for bad stress episodes.
Now when the brain is left in this stress state...then the stress leaves the relax of the neuro pathways floods it and a migraine happens. This is often what I experience. This is a dream come true and the neurologist will be so very delighted that the damage occurring will be curtailed.
I saw him yesterday. Two days on the lowest dose.
I am so much more myself and who I am in my heart without always feeling like I am fighting to be what my heart says I am. Acting how my heart desired .I was awesome today. Non addictive. It is hoped and has been his experience that the neuro pathways have actually been healed to some degree over a two year period of time. That the brain can actually heal.
There is so much hope.
Yesterday after all the many tests ruling out the other causes it is noted that with 80% or so certainty it is the PTSD that is so ill effected my health.
The VA has known about a dug used for seizure disorders that had an amazing effect well a side effect...it makes the area of the brain that is neurologically associated with the flight fight mechanism ease. This ease in effect gives the brain rest. A rest that can cause the PTSD effects of daily life, memory of events and reactionary adrenalin reactions to calm. Giving the brain a break a rest as it were so that your functioning can become normal to the environment. Funny thing that this is the only side effect other than in 5% of folk a rash can occur.
I am on my second day of the first level of the ladder amount build u that will occur over the next few weeks.
I have never been so able to be so calm. I CAN THINK! In the middle of the kids acting nuts I was able to calming reason and express ideas without reactions or stress build ups. It was so cool!
I am not sedated. It just feels like that storm of stress is backed off.
Thinking and cognitive function is often aided with anti depressants in the other center of the brain that is governed with aids of dopamine. This is different, it is actually calm. Most of the anti anxiety drugs are like narcotic so I would not use them unless I was in a real bad way. So to now I will use both the antidepressant to aid in the dopamine production and uptake , and this other to aid in this neuro chemical. I forgot the name of it.
With Anxiety another area of the brain is enacted. This is rarely addressed. My MD PHYC works a great deal with VETS and has used this treatment for many years. I responded poorly to him a few years ago in my journey thinking that he did not believe me or thought I was crazy because he would not treat me until the dementia was ruled out. He just was being careful not to treat me for something I might not of had. I misunderstood him and was in my wound unable to think clearly with out the suspect mentality of a survivor. The VETS are denied this medication for the manufacturers marketed it for seizure disorders because they can make more money on it so the most of us never learn of it. The VA will not even recognize when he prescribes to his patients that it has this side effect VETS NOT LIVING IN THE PTSD! Folk like me who do not comet suicide could even heal and be normal in the ability to think function without such a daily struggle.
The medication is lamictal odt
25mg for a week one a day
next week 50mg then wk 3 75 mg and so on until the level is one that has the norm that is acceptable and ease of function restored. I will still have the clonazopine for bad stress episodes.
Now when the brain is left in this stress state...then the stress leaves the relax of the neuro pathways floods it and a migraine happens. This is often what I experience. This is a dream come true and the neurologist will be so very delighted that the damage occurring will be curtailed.
I saw him yesterday. Two days on the lowest dose.
I am so much more myself and who I am in my heart without always feeling like I am fighting to be what my heart says I am. Acting how my heart desired .I was awesome today. Non addictive. It is hoped and has been his experience that the neuro pathways have actually been healed to some degree over a two year period of time. That the brain can actually heal.
There is so much hope.
Friday, December 25, 2009
good news on Eddie and Denise
Christ mas
Miracles are a part of the greatest story ever lived
Dear Ones
A very exhausted over joyed Denise called to tell us all...
Some how :)
Eddie has full conscientiousness.
He is with us cognitively.
His legs yet effected but the seizures did not take him.
He was sitting before her talking to her.
She with all and deepest gratitude thanks each and every one of you for your prayers.
Pray for her heart.
Her sister was unkind, Denise is wounded by the ill treatment that she was shown.
She is however rejoicing as I have instructed her to let her spirit and mind rejoice and worship but to let her body rest and be still.
She has not slept for several days and has also been ill.
I will keep you updated as I am.
Thank you all
Donetta
Miracles are a part of the greatest story ever lived
Dear Ones
A very exhausted over joyed Denise called to tell us all...
Some how :)
Eddie has full conscientiousness.
He is with us cognitively.
His legs yet effected but the seizures did not take him.
He was sitting before her talking to her.
She with all and deepest gratitude thanks each and every one of you for your prayers.
Pray for her heart.
Her sister was unkind, Denise is wounded by the ill treatment that she was shown.
She is however rejoicing as I have instructed her to let her spirit and mind rejoice and worship but to let her body rest and be still.
She has not slept for several days and has also been ill.
I will keep you updated as I am.
Thank you all
Donetta
Christmas Love Prayer...Eddie and Denise need it
Good Morning A Blessed Christmas
Eddie is alive this Morning your prayers were so embraced.
Update
I just received a call from Denise.
The torment of the last few hours has been excruciating for her.
She discribes the events as the worst thing that she has ever seen.
Her sister arrived last night, she is also a diabetic.
Denise ended up in the ER her blood sugar spiked and she was vomiting .
As soon as she would ease the same thing began with her sister.
Eddie was in a room and she could not get to him for the ER would not let her.
She convienced them not to admit her and to just let her see her husband and that that would ease her distress.
Eddies blood pressure spiked I mean really spiked!
At one point she got released from the ER and got back to him.
He was awake, unable to walk without a walker.
Dragging his legs.
She saw he was sweating so she got a cloth.
As she turned he said that he felt he was going to vomit and just at the very moment he fell back into her arms and began to seize they called in a trauma team and resesitated him.
She was ask to leave the room to a waiting room where her sister then fell ill to high blood sugar levels and DENISE had to car for her.
I have told Denise to ask a nurse to tell her sister to leave.
Eddies people are coming, I told Denise to have the nurse talk with them and tell them that your strength is limited and to not ask her all the details.
I told Denise that each time she repeats it it is like being punched in the heart.
She has not been able to stay with Eddie, only allowed to go in ever few hours.
He has been sleeping she has not seen him conscious sense before the seizures.
I am tempted to take up a fund and see if we can fly me out there and rent a car to be with her.
Steve has off till the 4th. I would have child care. The funding is an issue. I am in Arizona.
Please continue to pray.
I read several of your comments to her a few moments ago and it really strengthened her spirit.
Thank you all for your continued prayers.
Donetta at A Life Uncommon
Eddie is alive this Morning your prayers were so embraced.
Update
I just received a call from Denise.
The torment of the last few hours has been excruciating for her.
She discribes the events as the worst thing that she has ever seen.
Her sister arrived last night, she is also a diabetic.
Denise ended up in the ER her blood sugar spiked and she was vomiting .
As soon as she would ease the same thing began with her sister.
Eddie was in a room and she could not get to him for the ER would not let her.
She convienced them not to admit her and to just let her see her husband and that that would ease her distress.
Eddies blood pressure spiked I mean really spiked!
At one point she got released from the ER and got back to him.
He was awake, unable to walk without a walker.
Dragging his legs.
She saw he was sweating so she got a cloth.
As she turned he said that he felt he was going to vomit and just at the very moment he fell back into her arms and began to seize they called in a trauma team and resesitated him.
She was ask to leave the room to a waiting room where her sister then fell ill to high blood sugar levels and DENISE had to car for her.
I have told Denise to ask a nurse to tell her sister to leave.
Eddies people are coming, I told Denise to have the nurse talk with them and tell them that your strength is limited and to not ask her all the details.
I told Denise that each time she repeats it it is like being punched in the heart.
She has not been able to stay with Eddie, only allowed to go in ever few hours.
He has been sleeping she has not seen him conscious sense before the seizures.
I am tempted to take up a fund and see if we can fly me out there and rent a car to be with her.
Steve has off till the 4th. I would have child care. The funding is an issue. I am in Arizona.
Please continue to pray.
I read several of your comments to her a few moments ago and it really strengthened her spirit.
Thank you all for your continued prayers.
Donetta at A Life Uncommon
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