Walking Wounded

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

PTSD and Anxiety distroys the brains natural functions

There is a hope! The severity of the PTSD I live with has caused me to have neurological consequences to living in high flight or fight mode for so many years. Every thing from Stress related memory laps to reactionary ill temperament under stress that leads to depressed feeling of behavior that is not in line with my heart or who I really am.

Yesterday after all the many tests ruling out the other causes it is noted that with 80% or so certainty it is the PTSD that is so ill effected my health.
The VA has known about a dug used for seizure disorders that had an amazing effect well a side effect...it makes the area of the brain that is neurologically associated with the flight fight mechanism ease. This ease in effect gives the brain rest. A rest that can cause the PTSD effects of daily life, memory of events and reactionary adrenalin reactions to calm. Giving the brain a break a rest as it were so that your functioning can become normal to the environment. Funny thing that this is the only side effect other than in 5% of folk a rash can occur.
I am on my second day of the first level of the ladder amount build u that will occur over the next few weeks.

I have never been so able to be so calm. I CAN THINK! In the middle of the kids acting nuts I was able to calming reason and express ideas without reactions or stress build ups. It was so cool!
I am not sedated. It just feels like that storm of stress is backed off.
Thinking and cognitive function is often aided with anti depressants in the other center of the brain that is governed with aids of dopamine. This is different, it is actually calm. Most of the anti anxiety drugs are like narcotic so I would not use them unless I was in a real bad way. So to now I will use both the antidepressant to aid in the dopamine production and uptake , and this other to aid in this neuro chemical. I forgot the name of it.

With Anxiety another area of the brain is enacted. This is rarely addressed. My MD PHYC works a great deal with VETS and has used this treatment for many years. I responded poorly to him a few years ago in my journey thinking that he did not believe me or thought I was crazy because he would not treat me until the dementia was ruled out. He just was being careful not to treat me for something I might not of had. I misunderstood him and was in my wound unable to think clearly with out the suspect mentality of a survivor. The VETS are denied this medication for the manufacturers marketed it for seizure disorders because they can make more money on it so the most of us never learn of it. The VA will not even recognize when he prescribes to his patients that it has this side effect VETS NOT LIVING IN THE PTSD!  Folk like me who do not comet suicide could even heal and be normal in the ability to think function without such a daily struggle.

The medication is lamictal odt
25mg for a week one a day
next week 50mg then wk 3 75 mg and so on until the level is one that has the norm that is acceptable and ease of function restored. I will still have the clonazopine for bad stress episodes.

Now when the brain is left in this stress state...then the stress leaves the relax of the neuro pathways floods it and a migraine happens. This is often what I experience. This is a dream come true and the neurologist will be so very delighted that the damage occurring will be curtailed.

I saw him yesterday. Two days on the lowest dose.
I am so much more myself and who I am in my heart without always feeling like I am fighting to be what my heart says I am. Acting how my heart desired .I was awesome today. Non addictive. It is hoped and has been his experience that the neuro pathways have actually been healed to some degree over a two year period of time. That the brain can actually heal.

There is so much hope.

Friday, December 25, 2009

good news on Eddie and Denise

Christ mas
Miracles are a part of the greatest story ever lived

Dear Ones
A very exhausted over joyed Denise called to tell us all...
Some how :)
Eddie has full conscientiousness.
He is with us cognitively.
His legs yet effected but the seizures did not take him.

He was sitting before her talking to her.

She with all and deepest gratitude thanks each and every one of you for your prayers.
Pray for her heart.
Her sister was unkind, Denise is wounded by the ill treatment that she was shown.

She is however rejoicing as I have instructed her to let her spirit and mind rejoice and worship but to let her body rest and be still.
She has not slept for several days and has also been ill.
I will keep you updated as I am.
Thank you all

Christmas Love Prayer...Eddie and Denise need it

Good Morning A Blessed Christmas
Eddie is alive this Morning your prayers were so embraced.


I just received a call from Denise.
The torment of the last few hours has been excruciating for her.
She discribes the events as the worst thing that she has ever seen.

Her sister arrived last night, she is also a diabetic.
Denise ended up in the ER her blood sugar spiked  and she was vomiting .
As soon as she would ease the same thing began with her sister.
Eddie was in a room and she could not get to him for the ER would not let her.
She convienced them not to admit her and to just let her see her husband and that that would ease her distress.
Eddies blood pressure spiked I mean really spiked!
At one point she got released from the ER and got back to him.
He was awake, unable to walk without a walker.
Dragging his legs.
She saw he was sweating so she got a cloth.
As she turned he said that he felt he was going to vomit and just at the very moment he fell back into her arms and began to seize they called in a trauma team and resesitated him.
She was ask to leave the room to a waiting room where her sister then fell ill to high blood sugar levels and DENISE had to car for her.

I have told Denise to ask a nurse to tell her sister to leave.
Eddies people are coming, I told Denise to have the nurse talk with them and tell them that your strength is limited and to not ask her all the details.
I told Denise that each time she repeats it it is like being punched in the heart.

She has not been able to stay with Eddie, only allowed to go in ever few hours.
He has been sleeping she has not seen him conscious sense before the seizures.

I am tempted to take up a fund and see if we can fly me out there and rent a car to be with her.
Steve has off till the 4th. I would have child care. The funding is an issue. I am in Arizona.
Please continue to pray.
I read several of your comments to her a few moments ago and it really strengthened her spirit.
Thank you all for your continued prayers.
Donetta at A Life Uncommon

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Urgent Prayer For Eddie (Love Bug)

I am typing this for Denise of Shortybears Place she is on the phone with me now

Eddie has had a stroke and is in hospital under observation. They were unable to get the stroke medication in time. So far they have done a CAT scan and a MRI and other test are being awaiting . His leg is effected. He is able to speak. This is written at 9:30 p.m. TN time

He is in Memorial Hospital Chattanooga TN. She is alone so if any friends are able please consider coming to her side. He is being moved to room momentarily.

This is written by Donetta of A Life Uncommon and she can be reached through me.

Monday, December 14, 2009

When the walls shake the fault is exposed

At 18 years of life the old folks (my parents) left. I stood there with my boyfriend on the side walk as they drove away. A vow had been made.
18 I am out of here just hang on 18 I am out of here. Get my high school deploma and get away. Well it was they who got away I turned 18 they were done. Finished being parents they just up and moved away to another state, as did my boyfriends folks the very same week.
My boyfriend was the son of a couple that my parents drank with. The two sets of parents paired us off.

After some time I was hired on in a bank that held ties with a friend of a friend of my boyfriends parents.
I had been working there a few months when the phone call came in. A sister in law called me at work to tell me that Bill had died. She was under that understanding he was so wonderful. Bill only ever spoke of me like I was the best kid in the world, because I kept his dirty secrete out of fear of fall out from my parents if I ever upset them.

"Bill is Dead" her voice spoke. 

All I remember is setting the phone down and walking away from my station into the bathroom back by the vault. I was found slamming my head against the tile walls. I had had a mental break down. They all thought it was because I loved dear old uncle bill so much.
I then slipped into using drugs to numb my pain. I went away into the nature and into physical worship, tanning and nutrition health foods. Eventually into relationship with Christ. I met God through the Bibile that she gave me.
At his death the fault line cracked. Just like those monthly earthquakes,  so common during the late 1970's in Southern California, they shook the stock shelves around me. My walls shook and it all came falling to the ground. All the resources for survival, all the crazy mixed up realities of youth were shaken to my core. I lost function and soon lost the job at the bank. My boyfriend and I were together two years. I had worked hard up the ranks to teller. I was emotionally unable to be employed. We moved out to the Desert Hot Springs area. At my teller window a woman named Amelia Curry left a bible. It was my first bible I ever owned. It was the beginning of understanding life's truth.

I saw Heleen many years later after I had married. She was visiting my mom and her husband. She only said one thing to me...this before the memory came a few years later. I thought it so odd of her to say at the time.
She died not long after that. She said "I never slept with him, and I will not sleep with my present boyfriend either.". It was so odd. I thought at the time perhaps she thought I condemned her in my Christianity for cohabitation. She knew I knew bill was evil. She said nothing else to me that visit . That was said outdoors on the way into my moms place. She never spoke another word to me. She died soon after that.

I was always alone in my family and often thought poorly off for not honoring these people.
My own sister was so loved by this man as per her word he was so kind to her. He never harmed her.

Tricky slick evil, confuse the core of the family and no one will ever believe the truth. No one in my family ever knew or believed me once they did know what he did to me.

These people followed us in almost every move we made. Year after year.
This is how the evil works in darkness. Keep the deeds done in darkness and they will be hidden. If a child tries to shine a light folks raise him up on a bussel to shine bright. Never disregard the light of a child.

you can never risk letting anyone care for you or you will be betrayed

So can anyone relate to this?

The roots of such lies run deep and tear up the soil around them when you pull them out.

The very first memory I ever had when I started recovery was dealt with a bit today. It has a lot more work to go. It was the only thing I could remember of my life before 16 years of age. This memory began my recovery some 17+ years ago. Healing happens in layers when you live a youth like mine.

I trusted as a child. It was the first time. A father figure of sorts that my mother allowed to live in our basement with his wife. Now my siblings were at school most of the days, I was home while my mother worked at a Cafe. The wife of the couple worked with my mom I think at the cafe. So the two of them left early. The other kids all were sent off to school. At four years of age I was at home. Hiding in my closet praying that Uncle Bill would not find me.
Now Uncle Bill to a four year old was full of magic and it was in his pocket. Laughter would erupt as we played. He acted so kind and loving I was an innocent child then. All of the other kids only saw this side of Uncle Bill perhaps minus the magic in his pocket.
Left in his care during the day for I think he was on disability or some sort of thing. As a poor child of a single mother with many children this seemed to work out well for the family. Of course my mother felt real obligated to show exceeding gratitude to Uncle Bill and Aunt Helene.
Magic was a real fun time for me for no other father figure ever showed me such attention and delight. One day while in his care he became the son of hell he was hiding under the disguise of a friend.While tending to my bath time demanded I understood the magic. Terrified fighting kicking and backing away on the floor I failed at getting away from him. I was FOUR years old.
That was the very first memory I had in my adulthood. There was nothing good or bad from 16 years of age back until one day when I asked God to show me when I lost my virginity.

Oh the days when my mother would razz me over sleeping in their bed down in the basement.
What she did not know (or would not listen to me when I tried to defend myself) was I had no idea of how I got there early on in the pattern. The mystery was solved one night when I refused to fall asleep. I had just enough of being harassed over something I did not do. It was Bill who would carry me from my bed down those basement steps and put me in their bed. He would molest me while his wife Helene was laying there on the other side of me KNOWING what he was doing. As long as he left her alone she allowed it to happen. I would hide in my closet while the kids left for school. Hoping that he would not find me.

One day after I had fallen asleep in the closet I was lifted out of it by him. He and another son of hell was taking me into the basement. There were what seemed to me crazy  white umbrellas. The men made me drink a nasty drink. I was four years old! I was their star. I could hear them saying that she would not remember any of it. I made a vow that day to force myself to do so. I remembered saying it in my head over and over and over again while horrid things were being done to me under those bright lights. As that son of hell gave direction.

Oh to you sons of hell they remember oh so well.
God remembers too you sons of hell and that is a better place even than what awaits you.

Betrayal of trust is a wound that will heal with help. Message of the lie is not only are you of no value. You do not matter and you better never let your self matter to anyone ever again for betrayal awaits you.

You sons of hell you who destroy the ability of those you hunt with evil intent. You sons of hell.

I win! I remembered and I told on you. God knows. I will now no longer let you succeed in destroying my ability to matter.
I matter. I can take care and risk to matter to others too. You loose you bastards of all that is deviant, devoid of compassion.

Anger offers this gift
I take my power back!
I am a powerful woman. My God is so powerful in me that you will never win and I did remember and I did tell on you. That little girl grew up, no thanks to you sons of hell. You loose!

Better it would be for them that a noose would be around their neck and thrown into the deepest sea.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Gaining ground giant steps

  • Gaining a sense of Safety by addressing Attachment Deficient Disorder.
I have lived a life trying to keep myself safe through being set apart. Believing that I never really belonged here on this earth. I thought I was a mistake. I knew about what the scripture had said and that got me through. Faking it until I made it. Faking it to gain the acceptance of the church-ed folk kept me trying to belong. I never really ever felt safe. Although I knew by an act of faith that Jesus accepted and understood all that I was going through. I was broken and it took gaining insight into what that brokenness was to heal or at least begin to heal the ability to let my self attach. To begin to understand that I am safe.
I did keep my self safe many years of many horrid things. God yes was who kept me, but he taught my spirit and soul to do so. I did make it out, but my lack of maturation in the simple ability to bond to truly bond with other was at a broken infantile stage. I am progressing along in this at great speed. You know we perish just because of a lack of knowledge. I never cry and I though about this...I did keep myself safe if I would of cried then it would of been much much worse for me. By not crying I kept safe from more of the wrath that I so wanted away from. Understanding that I am keeping myself safe helps to remove some of the padding I keep around me as a false safety net.
  • Gaining a sense of the self has been addressed by studying the difference between ...living with the idealized dream of life verses the acceptance of the reality called my life. Letting go of the ideal to embrace the reality. Is a very strange concept but it makes perfect sense really. I focused on what I wanted...A Life Someday...Well the question was offered up to me sometime ago.
"When will you know that you have done that?"
Life killed the Ideal that I had. This is not a bad thing. The ideal must die to accept the reality. No matter the reality unless accepted it will nor can it ever be changed. I kept trying to make life adjust into the ideal and it just plane wore me out into despondency.

That really started a rolling of understanding that if I had accomplished that goal I had set out for why did it not look like it. I had this ideal of what my life would look like. I kept that before me both day and night. All those years when all of the horror around me meant to take that promise from me. When beaten, when raped and when tortured. When neglected wishing that my parents might notice me.
"when I grow up I will...give myself a life someday I promise" That literally was a mantra, a place I went into when the body endured what nobody should ever even know about.
Well I would just be perfect and make it perfect. Not to ever let my life be like it was then but the polar opposite.
I had to face a painful blow not unknown to those of us who were dis attached to this world through the lack of bonding into to it due to abuse.
Because the life I fought so hard for was not that ideal I kept pushing on trying to make it look like that (I think this is a great root of much of the dissatisfaction in the world that leads to many a divorce).
The Ideal verses the reality

I succeeded in giving me that life someday that I promised. I am a wife of 27 years to a wonderful man who is imperfect (no you can not create them into what the ideal wants them to be). Often they have their own ideal to let go of.  I have two great kids (yes I so failed the ideal) . I wish I were so much better a mom. That my children were better mannered ect. I have perfected the art of homemaking into a science, it is still not the ideal. Reality is that it is what it is a wonderfully imperfect home. Now I can rest, before...no never was it good enough. I had to either kill myself with effort or exhausted feel like I was a failure. All because I could not measure up to an Ideal.
Reality is My family is not an ideal (close to it HA smile) no really I had this value assessed to moral codes and such. Being married my husband  always felt he let me down in this/ I think many mates feel terrible about not measuring up to a persons ideal they really want to please us but they also really just want acceptance too.  The kids must of felt this way too to some degree. Mom Me came off like a prude in order to just try to form this Idealized view of what a family of my dreams will look like. It made them all a bit miserable and truly and unintentionally unaccepted. Oh what if we were embarrassed by the judgments of others we then constrain each other into little robots of acceptable performance.
Learning to take action once reality is accepted to create what you desire it to become. As best as your able too. I have a life and I have accomplished it.
Where change is needed it can be accomplished from a proper motive.
I have struggled to be the best wife, homemaker, mom that I can be. I wanted to be the best friend but it never looked like it did in my mind...the idealized image that one day I would attain if I just fought for it.

Thankfully life is to be lived not fought through.
Yet in doing so the idealized view no longer serves us once we live and let go of just surviving.
The stress that striving for that ideal, the damage to my self view as a failure no matter how hard I tried.
Now I am free to see my true success and learn to accept my true failures. In this context however failure is just another opportunity to set a mission to become more competent in this life.
  • Gaining affiliation. Striving for a sense of affiliation a sense of belonging. Believing the lie that "no one will ever be there for me to "take Care of me" no matter how hard I search to find that. It is not the job of anyone to take care of me. It is true that holding onto that childhood wish for someone to care about me crippled me. It set me up as a failed friend for I could never really be autonomous in friendship. It is in letting go of that lie that the truth is...It is I who must learn to take care of me. It is also for you not me to take care of you.
I did not know how to take care of me. I faked it through out my many years of adulthood. But secretly longed for a someone anyone who would care for me and feed me and tend to me like a parent might. Of course this is not reality. Although through  many events of my adult hood friends have loved me. This was always the only time I could ever cry. Literally when someone came to care for the kids after a surgery or injury I would feel so ashamed. I knew that it was embarrassing and immature to want it. Certainly there was nothing wrong in receiving the help given. It always felt however like a deep need filled that confused me.

I understood the years of looking at others to see how they did life. I would watch folks that I admired. Always looking as it were for a mentor of sorts. Once or twice asking for one only to see human nature take over in them and it go to their heads. I would be left feeling like I had really embarrassed myself and I'll never ask again.
Recently I asked a wonderful friend and she did not treat me like some unintelligent child. She told me what her morning routine looked like. Step by step. See I had figured a lot out in my 48 years but there were voids that I had left as insignificant for they had to do with taking care of me. Or simple self care things that I had never witnessed as a part of family daily routine.
I never really had an example of that growing up. It just became a part of who I am or was.
For a week I tried to do it like another and for the first time I saw an amazing change in my stress level, the quality in my parenting was wonderful. Morning became relaxed and fun. All because of an example of what it looked like to take care of myself in the morning.

I belong to me.
I need me to be here for myself.
Loving others as Jesus loved me...I have loved others with such intensity. Imagine if I learn to love my own self like that? What if I were as accepting of my own flaws, what if it changed those dark secrete criticisms I have over others that I often feel so ashamed and guilty for. That is just a reflection of how I am not accepting of my own soul. Pretty profound stuff.
There was always a Vail as it were between me and the world, the people in it. Even those in my a mediate family. My husband and children too. If I let them in?
There have been times in my life of boundlessness that have left me vulnerable. Who was there for me then? Not me.  See it effects things pretty basic.

  • Gaining a sense of Mission.  Behold all things become new. It is not just something to count on as a promise of scripture. It is a promise to act on. Faking becoming new through actions only is not the same as the heart change of really becoming new. It takes work. Hard honest work. Facing the way we are and why. Then learning who we long to be and how to do it. Then being willing to do the work to do so. What is your purpose?  It has been my mission to become whole. 
  • Gaining Competency in what really is most important. Learning how to love me the way God loves me so that I can show others that love. Learning what that looks and feels like is the best success I can achieve.
Now I finished this post. It was my mission to set out to do so. Now I better go join my wonderful friend  my husband as he sleeps taking care of his own self. I need to go care for my own self and sleep. I am an important person here. Many are counting on me in the morrow including me. I will be here for me. I need to sleep and to be safe from the stress that the lack there of can bring.

Good night and be blessed.
May this help another.
One day may it help my children to better understand those early years when Mom was always stressed out trying so hard to make everything just right. Always feeling so bad about not doing a good enough job at some ideal she had fostered.
May they see the importance of working within the reality you own. It is in owning it that you can cause it to become what it is longed to be. It is in owning it that limitations can become opportunities for the unknown to open up a whole new world. Changing our destiny into who we were created to be.

Sense of self

When life killed the dream (fantacy) you dreamed *a partial understanding

This post was written and put on hold for the lesson was at that time yet incomplete and this was written on 11-28-2009from a perspective of partial understanding

 a new post to come

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living,
So different now from what it seemed...
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed...

see post below this post for reference

It is in the ashes and the restoration that the realities of all that we had hoped that our lives might one day become the reality of what we are able to create our lives to be; when those dreams collide they must be assessed and wept over.

I dreamed that I would have a family around the tree at Christmas, the children gathered at the stove or table top. 
I dreamed of the motherhood I so longed for. To do opposite of that which was done to me. I envisioned a home that was decorated just so or a marriage that was pictured in a surrealist view. 

When compared are lives do seem surrealistic to what we made way out of yet...so may of the things we made vow that we would not do or would not become or allow.
We often marry repeating patterns are at best often the pendulum swing making every earnest effort to stop the cycle.

When we find that we have not met those dreams despite every effort and good intention we then must come to see that we have changed our lot as best as able.
Often though without knowledge folk perish.

Reality is that you take your road as far right as possible but without those milestones of youth and young adult hood, without the heritage limitations exist.
Attachment is a struggle. In every life marriages take two and both have hearts that are broken some shattered at best. 
We marry children in essence in grown bodies trying to play adult with every good intention.
Dreams shattered.

Choice then is what do we do when we have realized that the life we have now is so different from that image that we fixed our gaze on too to survive.
Dreams are often a star to set focus a gaze while the view before you is unbearable.
Recovering means acceptance.
Acceptance is one of the final steps of grief.

We shift our gaze then from a star a point of focus to endure to a wide angle lens and live.

I see my children now half grown.
Although I have done my God proud I grieve that I have not done my dream better.
He calls to me to see that I have a loss to grieve.
Wounds that I cause them when my words do not match the vision I saw in my heart of what I would say or how I would say it.

That "hell" that we live.
My very heart broken that I do not do those things I long to do and that I do those very things I do not want to do.

With everything we are pushing onto creating; all we long and desire to become.
God sets that force in motion and causes us to become.
It is in His time however that there is peace.

We must actually accept who we are.
Including the limitations that provoke a sort of "hell" within our hearts.
That vision not walking out; as we had so many hours in our youth fantasized over.

A torment that makes us pine and grieve over what we would hoped it could of been.

This is witnessed in those hearts turned hard against a spouse when the dream is hindered or an expectation unmet.
Against our selves when we do not fulfill expectations of who or how we might wish we could or would of been.
Longing to be able to handle any given situation.

My life lived idealized.
Now twenty seven years married and many opportunities to fight so hard against the hindrances those walls that made me kick and claw.
It was my effort to form an architectural design that was a fantasy of my youth.

My life is good yes.
There is though a "hell" within even me.

Where the life I lived... killed the chance for so many dreams.
Yet most of those dreams now are altered.
They were, have been and are revised into something strange and frustrating at times.
Reality is nothing like as it seems.
Idealized life is not reality.

When I say that I am trying to say I can not change what is.
It is the illusion the fantasy that must be cleared from the view.
The idealized notions that leave great mounds of expectations upon myself to fulfill them.
I am to be content in all things.
Then that being the master plan of true happiness how then can I remain discontent because the life I hold looks do differently then what I had hoped it might of become.

An example of this is as in any union there is give and take.

In my vertual reality within my own mind the goals that I spent a lifetime to achieve have little value to those who I thought might have been made happy by them.
I thought in my vision that creating and acquiring a home and an estate was the goal of a union of many years. 
All that accomplished in your late forties  dreams change and unless the idealized life you wished and fought all your life for is achieved one often can become embittered or as in my case left without a dream. This I suppose is much kinder than those horrid consequences of bitterness. 
Even so the loss of that dream can take all wind from ones sail.

A fresh wind is to breath into what is, who we are.
Accepting my own limitations. 
Letting go of idealizing life and grabbing hold of the reality of what life is.
In so doing those walls we kick  become those walls that give us borders. 
Perhaps to tear them down would leave a shipwreck.
This I have witnessed over and over.
We must not only accept who we are in reality but also our spouse and children.
This one is the hardest for us as parents.
What if the lessons we wished we had taught, or what if my husband did not allow them to burp at the table
Would the manners behoove them more than the family humor?
I let go.
It is a grief when as parents those errors or ideals are witnessed as faulting concepts of good intentions.
This must be grieved and let go.

If not.
If not then we must blame. 
We will either blame our self or our spouse for example.
Blame however is a tool of division.
Accepting the loss and moving on removes that strife.
Strife is more harmful than a burp at the table.

It has been our efforts to address strife.
To flee from it and learn to be at peace with all men, especially our enemies

Sometimes I feel lost without the idealized life I thought I would be living at this phase of my life...
It is I think in not letting go of the idealized image and grabbing hold with acceptance of the reality of my life that I find myself lost without direction.

Reality accepted is flush and full of direction and adventure.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Identifying the lies that were ingrained in youth

When I was 16 years old I became very ill. Days had passed no food, and then too many days without fluids.

My mom and dad let me lay on the sofa for days until I was almost dead LITERALLY. They would give me a drink and leave for work in the morning. It is a long painfully lonely story of neglect. Then they found me almost comatose and  took me to the hospital in the dark of night when they had gotten  home from closing the family business. They were afraid they would be in trouble with the law. I could hear them from the front seat talking.
not that i might die..."oh my God", she said "we could loose her!"

You see they were done being parents but I was still a child.

I was a nuisance to them. 
The message that the darkness implanted deep into my soul.
To this day (well maybe yesterday) I have believed this.

I believed that lie that I was a bother and that I was not worth the bother.
That no one would ever take care of me. That I was not worth being taken care of,
I lived my whole life wishing that someone would just take care of me. It was a fantasy that left me medically abused even.

Then I just resigned that it would never happen.
It is for me to learn how to do that for me. Because I had no example I have to learn how and let go of fantasy it is for me to care for me.

When I was dieing in the hospital there was a nurse that touched my forehead and said

"You gotta fight honey, come on fight"

I wanted life to just let me go
When I get tired sometimes I just want life to let me go
Not suicide ; just giving up resigned like when I was a girl to just go into that numb place where the thirst and hunger did not hurt anymore.
I have fought like that nurse said all these years.
I do not want to fight anymore against that feeling, I want to remove it
replace it with the true caring I have to learn...to really take care of me for me
not just for everyone else.

This is what I am working on this week in the EMDR and setting up a memory that has only good to it.

 Have a thought a place to think of when the remembering gets hard or life is a bit too stressful

Yesterday my Therapst asked if I have a mentor. Well all my days I just watched others and learned from those I admired or who seemed to have what I needed . 

I felt shamed if I asked for insight from others like 
"don't you know that!?" 
So I stopped asking.

Yesterday a person came to mind and I asked her.

What does it look like to take care of yourself?
What is your morning like how do you start your day?

She lead me through her morning.
Get up turn water on to heat while you use the rest room, wash hands then wash face with the warm cloth. Brush hair and teeth then go to do the tasks.

Well I have always just gotten up out of bed and went into the kitchen and began fixing lunches  and feeding the family. By the time everyone was out the door stressed and exhausted. I would then go to the rest room. Hair in a tangle feel ugly and a mess about myself.

I did not have an example of how it looked. I AM 48! 
Just now asking and seeing without shame how to do it. It worked this morning so well. I have my children out the door hair combed and faces washed they fussed a bit but they are cared for and I have been a great mom they are always fed I just never knew that rutien. It is so embarrassing to admit. I must not be the only one out there who was not shown these things.  I hope this helps someone else. It is alright to learn. 

I am very skilled at homemaking, and at being a wife and mother. Just never learned how to take care of me. All these years wasted feeling shame about how fat I am or how bad my hair looked or such...never seeing that I simply (even so not so simple) did not know HOW to take care of me.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

These are the lyrics that took a nation to their feet
Affiliation with a woman of common features in an instant.
Many nations then came to comradery with the common loss of dreams killed.
Many who have believed in a dream of gentle love
some kind words lost that childhood to the cruelty of monsters impostors to the dream

Dreams are those expectations based in those desires for the wonder and beauty that might elevate the pains of realities. 

I think this is why the wonderful lady who sang a many nation into a common bond found unity of minds.

Realities are much harsher
hopes are more level less climatic
Even for the most well exercised optimist.
Things are never really what they seam.

Those tigers that thunder in our minds have struck our spirits with the lightening that sears into us the pains. Pangs that change us from whom we might of become.
Create a vibrato of thunder that we allow to reverberate all of our days.
Even if it were our fantasy to stop such a thunder...Even if we actually succeed still the walls rattle.

Listen here to those truths that touched hearts in the inner most parts.

There was a time when men were kind,
And their voices were soft,
And their words inviting.
There was a time when love was blind,
And the world was a song,
And the song was exciting.
There was a time when it all went wrong...

I dreamed a dream in time gone by,
When hope was high and life, worth living.
I dreamed that love would never die,
I dreamed that God would be forgiving.
Then I was young and unafraid,
And dreams were made and used and wasted.
There was no ransom to be paid,
No song unsung, no wine, untasted.

But the tigers come at night,
With their voices soft as thunder,
As they tear your hope apart,
And they turn your dream to shame.

He slept a summer by my side,
He filled my days with endless wonder...
He took my childhood in his stride,
But he was gone when autumn came!

And still I dream he'll come to me,
That we will live the years together,
But there are dreams that cannot be,
And there are storms we cannot weather!

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living,
So different now from what it seemed...
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed...

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

For His lovingkindness is everlasting,

Psalms 136:
  23 Who remembered us in our low estate,
For His lovingkindness is everlasting,
  24 And has rescued us from our adversaries,
For His lovingkindness is everlasting;
  25 Who gives food to all flesh,
For His lovingkindness is everlasting.
  26 Give thanks to the God of heaven,
For His lovingkindness is everlasting.

May thankfulness overpower you with a grateful heart.
With a heart of gratitude every trail becomes an act of worship.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Fighting to make a change

I am sitting up half dim of vision with the magnification full on.
I did not grab my glasses. Wow I did not realize my vision has become so dependent on them.
Tonight I was triggered off while watching a Muppet Movie with the gamily. The CIA type characters were torturing the puppet. On it came that sick feeling of pressure, that rise in addrinaline that quickening of my heart.

I left the room hoping that no one would notice.
I took courage as the pillow toched my head softly speaking up.
I told him how I was afraid I woulsd be ridiculed or made fun of that I was triggered. I was sore embarrased as it was .
A puppet! having his brain sucked out sent me into a panic and I had to leave. It is the music the emote the fear that cold heart of the offender that brings it all up in me. Not intelectuallu until after time has passed and I can think it through.
I tried to sleep and can not.
the flight /fight is on. Ready for action.

Today I let go of control a bit to give my kids some freedom of distance and let them go to the park with a group on bikes for thiry minutes. I think that the stress of it unluing was a challenge. I prayed and I did everything to equip and empower them and we set a short time limit. I still really was hard for me. They even came back early. They need controlled freedom. So many parents just do this without thought.
The children act as if I am from mars that I care about my kids and that I even show concern over them.

Oh My Dear Sweet Lord I am so not in love with this world. It is so messed up. So much evil and so many creeps and perverts and evil souls roaming about. This is a real challenge to parent in these days.

It is even more so for me. Fot those of us with PTSD and it is hard.
I fear making that one mistake that will cause them to be in danger. That what if I relax too much. What if I disqualify my concern thinking that I am just over reacting as a suvivor.

I tried to nurture my self. Myy feet are now moisturized with soxs on. I took a med to calm the anxiety. I blew off the adrinaline here with my eyes closed for even with a large font it is very hard to read.
Sorry if there is unlimited typos.

My husband lost patience today while we were working in the garage. Perhaps I provoked him by felling frustrated that he was in lingering (it seamed) as I was still working. See he takes care of himself stoping to eat. Me...well I grapped two stices of lunchmeat and rolled them up headed back to work did'nt even stop for a napkin. Set to task.
He appoligized at end of evening.
I had showered and was so pulled away inside. Thinking of that ADD stuff "not worth it".
I was going to speak no mor thins evening and just go to bed without even the custmoary good night.
He came in and appoligized. In his anger and frustration he actually told me to "shut up"!
I was so angry and waited an apoligy just finally going out to take my anger out on the garden shed.
Anger a funny thing fives the figt of strength. I tore that shed apart , enptied it out  and put the shelf unit in on my own. Not caring how it effected my bldy. I was so mad.
After a time with the thoughts of it take one to bend first in my pride I mustered up enough respect for my marriage that I went to the garage and appoligized for provoking him by telling him to "bite me'. Bet that surprized you. Well I have often used this in humor to express the opposition to being a mouse. Usually he loves it for he really wants me to stand up to him. This time how ever I was not really joking for I was a bit fed up. So I appoligized for it and just worked the evening away in silence until the walls came down and the ice melted. It was however very stressful.
So we just gave each other spack. He said I had nothing to appoligize for (owning it all) it was not all his to own. I knew that. He tends to blame himself for all of it. maybe that explains 27 years of marrage we error make amends and forgive nad support and go on. Allways  haveing peace before either of us sleeps. A marrital rule we set as an agreement early on.
I guess I am rambling at this point but I feel more relaxed. my palse is slowed more.
I am begining to feel tired.

There you have it I did ny best to take care of myself.
Life in my world.
My life is good. Hard at times byt good. PTSD is a real hassel. Stress of the day. Angry words reverberate in me like blows that little child within still reals from the celular memory of what it was like to be her.
Most folks have spats and go on. I have a bit longer a process. That is how it is being a survior and overcommer who tenatiously trudges on.

I love a good fight byt the question is...are you fighting to punish or to make a change?

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Being Me gave me this kind gift of flowers this morning. How thoughtful. Today I really needed a nice sweet smile of a flower. Thank you

Time to share this  (it is a lovely feeling to receive but you have to work for it and anyhow it is a good excuse to touch base with other bloggers to whom I haven't passed on anything);

the rules are as follows:
1. Thank whoever gave this to you
2. Copy award
3. Post it in your blog
4. Tell us 7 things that your readers don’t know
5. Link 7 new bloggers
6. Notify winners of the award with a comment on their blog
7. Keep being awesome!

Well seven things about me that my readers do not know.

1. I love Cherries and cherry juice, they have a natural anti inflammatory property that helps with physical pain.
2. Birds in nature bring a solace and a peace that is wonderful.
3. Wild creatures are drawn to me and I have a reputation with friends who have witnessed so often a bird, or a lizard or most recently a little frog jumped on my cheek and gave me a hello. I am not afraid of them. I love how they feel safe with me.
4.I am an artist and have varied talents and skills with many different types of mediums. see "A place to Create"
5. I am an avid organic gardener see "Bee Bliss Gardens"
6. I love to drink loose lief brewed tea from my china tea pot and tea cup and saucer.
7. I almost exclusively ware cotton fabric, and murrel shoes.

And here are my seven choices:

1. Sarah at Writing
2. Cora Hidden Riches From Secret Places
3. Debbie from There is an Angle on my Front porch
4. Blest Atheist
5. God among us
6.Marsha's Musings
7.Sugarloaf Mountain

please pass it on

Saturday, November 7, 2009

ADD and the effects of AVOIDANT Behaviors

Views others as undependable
Views self as unlovable or "too good" for others
Relationships feel either threatening to one's sense of control, not worth the effort, or both
Compulsive self-reliance
Passive withdrawal

Wow It is so amazing when my eyes are opened. At 3 a.m. I awoke. All of a sudden I saw it.
The "Views self as unlovable or "too good" for others" statement. I never really saw it before.

In the esteem development it is 5 phase
sense of self

In my family of origin I never ever felt safe, EVER! That is the foundational asset of bonding and attaching. I was the last of 8 kids, 7 that lived. As each sibling that was home in my youth left I had little to no affiliations with them afterward. Almost all of them never looked back once they got out they wanted little to nothing to do with my parents. I think that only in adult hood a few of us have gotten acquainted but only one sister and I are friends. We are safe together, we each know who we are and we both have dealt with the abuse in recovery. She is the one who came forward in my early recovery and affirmed all that I had remembered. We have a sense of affiliation with each other. Even so we are both broken in our ability to really attach. But we have more so than any of the others have with me or I with them.

Two of the brothers are somewhat affiliated, I think three loosely. They were all stair step in age.

So is it any wonder that these things apply to me. I will only speak of how they apply to me for that is all I can face or change.

I had little to nothing to use as a reference in life. A measure to asses my safety for I survived not thrived during my youth and yet even in small nuances yet. These things are those being challenged.
It occurred to me that I have always looked as if I thought I was better and I always compared myself with what my siblings did and tried to learn from their mistakes. It was all I had to go on.
Then I became a Christian and the Bible became my Guide Book. It is the only thing that taught me what my life was suppose to look like. What I was supposed to be like and how I was suppose to act.
All the while NEVER feeling safe around ANY of my siblings or parents for that matter.
It has left me a stranger to their children and their children children. And so it continues as it is said the ADD of families is passed on.

I think I found a false sense of safety in that measure and that I was better, or doing life better than what I had witnessed before me. How arrogant that not only seems but is! At least I am sure it appears so. But I really do not choose to believe that. I think I found safety all these years though in believing it. That my life would somehow be O.K. If I could just learn by watching and try so hard to gain from their examples both positive and negative. But it was the negative that got focused on because it was that that left me so threatened. When threatened I passively withdraw to try to keep safe. I compulsively depend on self-reliance and then I know the motive (good or bad) and what the effects be they were my doing...it was not going to be "done" to me anymore. I could not depend on my family, even if or when they have been dependable in adulthood. Broken I could not relax to rely on them. I had to stick to that only safety net I knew. Self Reliance and Passive Withdrawal.

What a yo yo that must be to others in my life. Especially my siblings. Is it any wonder though? We were not raised to be friends. We survived youth until we each could get the h--- out of there! Then there was no looking back for each one ( with the exception of a sister who came home from a violent relationship) She made a beautiful outfit for my graduation from high school. However she was going to have her first son, it was only a few months after I had lost mine. I could not emotionally deal with it all. I was a teenager then with that attitude to match. I was not about to hang around when graduation and a boyfriend could make my escape. My siblings left home then had to try to survive on their own out in the wide world with many a ship wreck.

Grace is unmerited favor, somehow in my adult life I have received a lot of it. Perhaps I owe my sibling a debt of gratitude for they struggled the road before me. They taught me unwittingly so, to keep going. Fighters they all are, tenacious souls. In that thought I think for the first time in my 48 years I feel a little more affiliated with each one of them. I always saw them as strangers. As each one before me was kicked out, run away, eloped or given a way I believed a lie. That lie got rooted deeper as each left. Often violent exits, and I remained there. Somehow I was going to do better than that. I was the only one who did not run away. Oh man trust me I wanted to. But they showed me what could happen to me if I did. It made me look so "better than thou". I wasn't and am not. I was just trying to learn and live and get out of there in one piece. My Parents tried to by their way out of the guilt and that made me "have" more things in my youth. All those things I gave away literally. I was terrified. I even tried new things. I got on honor role, worked so hard for it thinking that my parents might love me "if". I did not change anything. Just made my siblings think I thought I was better than them...well truth be told in the sickness of ADD that must of somehow made me make it through the madness. I am not nor never have been any more worthy of favor than anyone else.

I made better choices because I had better teachers. My siblings unwittingly were some of them.
I held against them that they were not there. I felt abandoned as a child. Well you can't abandon an Adult.
Relationships feel either threatening to one's sense of control, not worth the effort, or both.
As an adult I would just walk away. If I felt out of control of my safety it was often the only solution I knew to do. It would be so hard to make amends over and over again with the craziness that familiar dysfunction can have. Often with all of the other things going on in my life it did feel like it was not worth the effort. Not worth the strife. The conflict however of what that Ol' life manual said would press me back to relationship with them. That Bible must of seamed a hammer to some of them.

Well boy howdy I think I am growing a sense of self.
Coming down to where I ought to be.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Adult Attatchment Disorder

Attachment Disorder is rooted in childhood and, if left untreated at an early age, will carry through into adulthood and affect an individual's relationships and ability to negotiate through life.

This describes not only the characteristics of adult attachment disorder but the type of therapeutic regimen that may be used .

"Unresolved childhood attachment issues leave an adult vulnerable to difficulties in forming secure adult relationships. Patterns of attachment continue through the life cycle and across generations. New relations are affected by the expectations developed in past relationships. There is a strong correlation between insecure adult attachment and marital dissatisfaction and negative marital interactions. If an adult does not feel safe with others, he/she will tend to be either rejecting of their partner or overly clingy." "Attachment problems are often handed down transgenerationally unless someone breaks the chain. As a parent, an insecurely attached adult may lack the ability to form a strong attachment to their child and provide the necessary attachment cues required for the healthy emotional development of the child thereby predisposing their child to a lifetime of relationship difficulties."

"Depending on the genetic personality style of the individual and the early life events experienced, insecurely attached adults fall in one of two categories of insecure attachment:

AVOIDANT ---------
Intense anger and loss 
Critical of others
Sensitive to blame
Lack of empathy
Views others as untrustworthy
Views others as undependable
Views self as unlovable or "too good" for others
Relationships feel either threatening to one's sense of control, not worth the effort, or both
Compulsive self-reliance
Passive withdrawal
Low levels of perceived support
Difficulty getting along with co-workers, often preferring to work alone
Work may provide a good excuse to avoid personal relations
Fear of closeness in relationships
Avoidance of intimacy
Unlikely to idealize the love relationship
Tendency toward Introjective depression (self critical)

ANXIOUS/AMBIVILENT ------------------
Compulsive Caregiving
Feel overinvolved and underappreciated
Rapid relationship breakups
Idealizing of others
Strong desire for partner to reciprocate in relationship
Desire for extensive contact and declarations of affections 
Overinvests his/her emotions in a relationship
Perceives relationships as imbalanced
Relationship is idealized
Preoccupation with relationship
Dependence on relationship
Heavy reliance on partner
Views partner as desirable but unpredictable (sometimes available, sometimes not)
Perceives others as difficult to understand
Relationship is primary method by which one can experience a sense of security
Unlikely to view others as altruistic
Sensitive to rejection
Discomfort with anger
Extreme emotions
Jealous Possessive
Views self as unlovable
Suicide attempts
Mood swings
Tendency toward anaclitic depression (dependent depression)

GOALS OF THERAPY ----------------- Identify early losses Mourn the loss of that which never was but yearned for deeply Provide closure to the unresolved relationship longings with parental attachment figures Reorganize belief system and physiological reaction to attachment relationships "Gratefully, attachment styles are not fixed in stone and with either positive life experience or appropriate therapeutic intervention and a strong desire for change adults can alter their relationships and experience true intimacy and closeness."

One form of treatment may be...

ADULT INTENSIVE --------------- 3 hours of therapy per day Monday through Friday. "Homework" assignments designed for self-exploration may require time during the afternoon or evening. Alternate models of body/mind therapy may require time during the afternoons. Intimate partners are invited to join in therapy during part or all of treatment. Generally 6 to 10 therapy days are required, although in certain situations a shorter duration may be adequate.

I am going at it as a Part of the EDMR preparations.
She sees some of the symptoms in me.
Funny I have studied this extensively regarding kids.
It had crossed my mind if I might be struggling with this as a parent.
I am.
It isn't any wonder.
I do see however that I have come a long long way.
All of the things no longer amply to me but a few still yet do.
I do not want to stop until I am the best me I can become.
I owe it to myself and to my children..

If you as an adult are struggling in life with these symptoms consider looking into it to get help.
Your worth it.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Teenage Abortion at a Planned Parenthood Clinic (written many many years ago)

I know that I am forgiven and I have forgiven myself. This is a journey a tale told to a group of Medical professionals and used at a women s conference in AZ in the late 1990's. My OB read it aloud to the audience studying the effects of abortion on women.

My mother worked hard, and did her best to raise us.  She had never had parents to teach her how to raise children.  I was never told that pre-marital sex was wrong.  My unsuspecting mother trusted me greatly.  At sixteen I was searching for love and acceptance.  My mother was in the hospital with a breakdown when I discovered I was pregnant.  I had no one to counsel me.  I was alone.  I went to a planned parenthood clinic to receive advice.  They confirmed my pregnancy, yet offered me no encouragement or referrals.  I was never told about any organization that offered help.  They pointed me down the path to a Riverside, Ca. clinic.  I was left to feel that abortion was my only alternative other than suicide.  I hope that as you read this that you consider the desperate need that young women have.  We need support.  We do not need a easy way out! The long term effects of my trauma were devastating.  My friends dropped me off at the clinic.  I was alone.  I waited in fear and humiliation.  Then my name was called, I was led to a cubical, and a woman said "have you considered adoption?"  I asked how could I? Knowing my mothers state of mind I was fearful.  She checked the box.  That was it, that was all she said.  She told me to go into the next room and wait for an examination.  Each room seemed to be deeper and deeper within the building.  All I wanted to do was to die or to escape from there.  Then my name was called.  I went into an examination room.  I had never even been to a GYN, and for the first time in total fear and humiliation I was internally and externally examined.  This in itself was very painful due to my tense condition.  I told the nurse not to leave.  There I was with a male stranger with his fingers and hands on me and in me.  I was terrified.  I was sent back out to a room.  It was a open room with a large sectional Sofa filled with women and girls.  There were two adjoining rooms.  While seated on the sofa a door opened and I could see into the operating room.  It had another door on the far side, and the women went in one door and then out the other.  The room was small.  The table was in the center.  There were RN's, doctor, and also the men who carried the unconscious women to the recovery room.  They called the next name and the door was closed.  Then while waiting there a lady came and told me I had RH neg.  blood, that it would be imperative that I receive an injection, that if any future children might have a different blood type my body would not fight them off.  Future children, future children! My heart sank.  All my life my desire was toe a wife and mother.  Now my future children were in question.  The door opened, my name again was called.  How I had grown to hate the sound of that name.  How I hated myself.  I wanted it all to stop, everything happened so fast.  The nurses and doctor were all behind masks.  Only there eyes showed.  They told me to lie down on the table.  Feet in the stirrups, scoot down, scoot Down.  ''Oh God'' my heart screamed, I was so embarrassed.  I was naked and bare before all these strangers, and they were numb to my feelings.  Their soft voices spoke instructions to me.  Breath deep, just relax.  I was going under, and I wanted it to stop.  I screamed "NO STOP" "STOP", but with the gas mask on, my mouth could not speak.  Then I was under.  I remember the prick of a knife inside me, it hurt.  My arm ached from the drugs pumped into me.  The vacuum gurgled and that was all, I had lost the fight, I was .  then unconscious.  As I came to, a gruff voice said "It was your choice, you wanted to do it".  A nurse spoke, so mean and cold she sounded.  I was numb.  I was in the recovery room on one of the many couch like beds.  Then I was given a shot in my fanny that seemed to keep Going, and everyone else was looking at me.  They were all more awake than I was.  The nurse spread my legs , and put a fresh pad on me.  I just closed my eyes and pretended to disappear.  After I slept a long time, the people who took me there came back for me.  I was bleeding quite heavily, and we had to stop on the way home I was bleeding quite heavily, and we had to stop on the way home to buy more pads.  They told my mom that I started my period and I did not feel well.  I bled a lot that night.  I was so very frightened, and I had no one to turn to for help.  I was left in shock, for eight years.  I was never able to grieve the loss of my child, and so I carried an imaginary suckling child on my hip for eight years.  Shortly after I carried I had to have major female surgery.  I had a tumor on my ovary.  I lost an ovary.  I had been married for six years, and we are still longing for our first child.  It has been many years now that I have been able to face this terrible ordeal.  Please note the need for counsel.  If my child was alive today it would be so great to know that its adoptive family was being blessed by his existence.  But as it happened the life of my child was extinguished.  I have asked Gods forgiveness, and without that I would not be able to bear the pain of my loss.  Thank you for sharing my story.  Please make available the instruction and assistance to the desperate women in this position.  It is far to easy to kill the unborn.  And the everlasting effects are not being presented.  I know that many, many victims of abortion still live today.  They are the women who will suffer the consequence of this radical act.  If only I would have been told that pre-marital sex was wrong, I would have had the strength to stand against the peer pressure. If only adoption would of been offered or a safe house. The clinic was more interested in the federal income of the abortion act itself. That was the goal. Stop the population of the human trash.


Monday, October 26, 2009

Holloween and full moons, the early years. re post

Originally posted in 2007
This is an attempt to overcome fear of rejection and to overcome fear of exposing the truth!

I have offended many over the years by telling them what holloween and full moons were like for me as a kid. Who am I, is my big question. One who lets darkness win through silence, or one who overcomes darkness by exposing it to the light. I am the latter!

Some of my earliest memories of the ceremony and worship of the dark side that I experienced here follows.
One of the hardest involved being up in the canyon at the lodge where they gathered. Very late into the night of the moons shining upon them they would begin. After the normal families left and the "die hards" lit the bonfire and continued to binge on the feasts and drink the hard booze it would commence. There was a man who was the leader. He would "all gather, lets get this thing on the road" and cheers would sound up as the wild tones would echo. I and other kids, children of the others there were in a cabin like building. The big kids would then get the little kid that was chosen by the adults. That night it was me.

Folks say that Oct.31 is just an innocent night I stand to differ!

In a cloth bag the big kids (those I now feel most sorry for), placed me. Like well humored or ill humored bullies I was spun around and dizzy. I was laughing innocently ,yet then fear and anger; they would not let me out. The bag was getting dusty for it was drug through the camp. I began to hurt and the air in the bag was stuffy. It stopped That man he was the big man who was the talker and leader of it. He opened it up and every one cheered! he smiled at me. "Let me get you out of there..." smiling at me I felt safe from the bullies. He lifted me up high on the stone table. Everyone cheered and laughed. I was so tired and after a drink, I laid down. He had a bunny. I liked the bunny a lot. He was my friend and he was so soft he was scared. I got very sleepy from the drink. They were all around the table looking at me. Then the big boys were told they had a privilege and a responsibility they felt proud,and stood there. The cup was gold and it was above my face. The bunny screaming and then silent. I went away with him and watched from the forest with the Forest Angel. She was nice and the bunny was in a different body cause the other one was being drained into the cup. I was in a shadow body cause my other one was still on the table.
They took her clothes off she was pretty and tiny. The bunny gave her a drink from the cup and everyone had a sip too. I did not like it. The songs were there yukky songs and looking at the moon. I stayed with Forest Angel, she was nice.
The body on the table had brown hair that was bad she had to be made white. The big boys made her white on both sides and it hurt her, they raped me, a lot.
The man said they did well to whiten me. The girls (my) mom was over at the fire she had food dripping at her mouth and her husband was drunk, bad drunk, over at the fire. They were praised for their offering. The little girl bled. I was hurt bad. Then they wrapped me in the blanket and the Forest Angel let go of my hand and I was her again.
I could not get clean enough. It burnt the hot water just would not take it all away off of me and out of me and I just died there, inside, no more to be.
The next day I then began again. A new girl who nobody could know . I just hid behind my eyes. I was only a little girl.
That is what it means to me.

I hate holloween!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had been chosen weeks before and they worked on my parents to allow it to happen to me.
I was in recovery for three years when I was ready to commit suicide thinking I must be crazy to remember such things when my sister 18 years elder came forward and apologized for not coming forward sooner. I had given her the courage to do so.
I am 17 years out now and I still have to be removed to tell you of the deeds done in darkness.
It is not an innocent night!!!!!!!!!!!!
Somewhere a family is being set up, a child is being primed. Children are scared for life when used as the offenders. This is done to keep witnesses silent!!!

Songs of my heart