Walking Wounded

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Fighting to make a change

I am sitting up half dim of vision with the magnification full on.
I did not grab my glasses. Wow I did not realize my vision has become so dependent on them.
Tonight I was triggered off while watching a Muppet Movie with the gamily. The CIA type characters were torturing the puppet. On it came that sick feeling of pressure, that rise in addrinaline that quickening of my heart.

I left the room hoping that no one would notice.
I took courage as the pillow toched my head softly speaking up.
I told him how I was afraid I woulsd be ridiculed or made fun of that I was triggered. I was sore embarrased as it was .
A puppet! having his brain sucked out sent me into a panic and I had to leave. It is the music the emote the fear that cold heart of the offender that brings it all up in me. Not intelectuallu until after time has passed and I can think it through.
I tried to sleep and can not.
the flight /fight is on. Ready for action.

Today I let go of control a bit to give my kids some freedom of distance and let them go to the park with a group on bikes for thiry minutes. I think that the stress of it unluing was a challenge. I prayed and I did everything to equip and empower them and we set a short time limit. I still really was hard for me. They even came back early. They need controlled freedom. So many parents just do this without thought.
The children act as if I am from mars that I care about my kids and that I even show concern over them.

Oh My Dear Sweet Lord I am so not in love with this world. It is so messed up. So much evil and so many creeps and perverts and evil souls roaming about. This is a real challenge to parent in these days.

It is even more so for me. Fot those of us with PTSD and it is hard.
I fear making that one mistake that will cause them to be in danger. That what if I relax too much. What if I disqualify my concern thinking that I am just over reacting as a suvivor.

I tried to nurture my self. Myy feet are now moisturized with soxs on. I took a med to calm the anxiety. I blew off the adrinaline here with my eyes closed for even with a large font it is very hard to read.
Sorry if there is unlimited typos.

My husband lost patience today while we were working in the garage. Perhaps I provoked him by felling frustrated that he was in lingering (it seamed) as I was still working. See he takes care of himself stoping to eat. Me...well I grapped two stices of lunchmeat and rolled them up headed back to work did'nt even stop for a napkin. Set to task.
He appoligized at end of evening.
I had showered and was so pulled away inside. Thinking of that ADD stuff "not worth it".
I was going to speak no mor thins evening and just go to bed without even the custmoary good night.
He came in and appoligized. In his anger and frustration he actually told me to "shut up"!
I was so angry and waited an apoligy just finally going out to take my anger out on the garden shed.
Anger a funny thing fives the figt of strength. I tore that shed apart , enptied it out  and put the shelf unit in on my own. Not caring how it effected my bldy. I was so mad.
After a time with the thoughts of it take one to bend first in my pride I mustered up enough respect for my marriage that I went to the garage and appoligized for provoking him by telling him to "bite me'. Bet that surprized you. Well I have often used this in humor to express the opposition to being a mouse. Usually he loves it for he really wants me to stand up to him. This time how ever I was not really joking for I was a bit fed up. So I appoligized for it and just worked the evening away in silence until the walls came down and the ice melted. It was however very stressful.
So we just gave each other spack. He said I had nothing to appoligize for (owning it all) it was not all his to own. I knew that. He tends to blame himself for all of it. maybe that explains 27 years of marrage we error make amends and forgive nad support and go on. Allways  haveing peace before either of us sleeps. A marrital rule we set as an agreement early on.
I guess I am rambling at this point but I feel more relaxed. my palse is slowed more.
I am begining to feel tired.

There you have it I did ny best to take care of myself.
Life in my world.
My life is good. Hard at times byt good. PTSD is a real hassel. Stress of the day. Angry words reverberate in me like blows that little child within still reals from the celular memory of what it was like to be her.
Most folks have spats and go on. I have a bit longer a process. That is how it is being a survior and overcommer who tenatiously trudges on.

I love a good fight byt the question is...are you fighting to punish or to make a change?


Being Me said...

Dear Donneta, may the Lord give you the strength to live life for your self and your family.
Be Happy.

Denise said...

Bless your heart.. In following this blog I am understanding more about the things that you suffer with. I would have never thought that a simple children s program would injure your soul, but I am learning. I am sorry that you have had to go through such torment but I am thankful that you are able to sit and understand it. You sound just like me when it comes to work, my sweet DH takes his time and stops and rests and will eat a bite but me, oh no....... I just plow right into it and by the end of the day I am worn out and it will take me several days to recover!


Love ya girl and I pray that your day is full of sweet peace of mind that your life is in HIS hands and HE is taking you to a large place.

Cheri said...


You dropped by Glass House Ministries recently, and I wanted to pop over and see your blog. I chose to visit this one, since its subject matter seems near and dear to the heartbeat God has put in me. I can see that PTSD can cause great pain, but I also see the hand of God in your life as you work through it. I pray that He continues to bless and keep you, day to day, and that He will open up doors of ministry to you, bringing beauty from ashes from all that you have been through.

God bless you,

Songs of my heart