Walking Wounded

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

It is what it is and that is REAL

I wanted to write tonight . A couple of things . Suppose it is hard to know where to begin. Last Tuesday, 8 days ago I did a EMDR session on a most difficult event in my life. As a child of 4 I was sold for a price to be filmed in child hood --rn. I was torn up tortured and left broken of body soul and mind. That was some 44 years ago. I held it in all of those years. When I was in hospital 15 years ago I told on them but I never told myself all of what happened in detail. Last Tuesday I recalled every single detail while the EMDR process was occurring. It was like a movie before my eyes. Oh My SWEET LORD it was so hard and so painful a sight to recall within my minds eye. My physical eyes open the whole time.
I have been rather head spun these last several days with anger that could rip apart a stone. I have had to increase the medication for a few days. The other MD Phyc said "you are so blessed" so few ever make it to this point where the things forced into us are released in a healthy freeing way. Man what a roller coaster these last 8 days.

At one time the anger hit rage.
The rage triad of ...anger...loss or fear of  loss... shame /guilt -hit me and for the first time the anger was mine the loss was mine HOWEVER the shame/guilt was NOT MINE! All of those many surgery's I suffered through. All of the stirrups my feet were in, all of the years childless longing to conceive. All of the years of rectal bleeding I suffered through in silence. The surgery in my 20's to repair the torn flesh. Torn was normal I did not even know I was not suppose to bleed. Torn form a childhood on through early adulthood. I thought hemorrhoids, that is what mom always said. Hasseled by my mom about it. Afriad to tell my family. My own sister knew she died in January this year. She knew about it, not the details.
It happend when my sibblings were gone at school and my mom was at work as was the wife of the **********dog bill who sold me. Living in our basement. He drugged me as the men laughed at the table as I nodded off. The other man reassuring bill that I would not remember.He called me rug rat and acted as if he was going to take me to nap. Held like a kind parent would at his shoulder against his chest.
Then HE BETRAY ME ONCE AGAIN! or I do not know if it was after this that the other event happened.
AT any rate I have had such rage in me or better said anger justified loss and mortification at the physical logistics of what was done to me. I am sicked literally by it physically.
A rollor coaster is in front of me and around me as anger hits, weeping begins and ends, then the anger.
The sickness in my belly.
 You can try to forget the past but with the PTSD you will most likely just be going to a pretense a state of denial that will one day find itself crippling you into addictions or taking your own life like so many I have known before me.

The last two sessions of EMDR have set me to freedoms door. For I am having the scales that kept me under water swimming for the surface are falling off as a mermaid gains her legs.
NO ONE will ever make me hold my tears again!

All my life I have never been able to let ANYONE brush my hair, now I understand. Even after 28 years married to the same wonderful husband he knows to take care to come up and hug me from behind. It is almost impossible not to cringe before melting into his arms.

I see how all the violence that was forced into me by this deviant evil moron has been left as if I deserve little more. I KNOW know that I DESIRVE to be treated with respect and kindness. Even IF I might make a mistake, I do not need to tolerate unkindness form anyone~
I am teaching this now calmly to the kids when they mouth me, It is not alright with me to be treated unkindly and I will stand up to you if you do.

I have a sleep study coming up and I panicked today as the appointment was made. I snore badly and it could be hard on my heart and stroke is at issue as well.  I could not breath and it was one of the most powerful panicks I have felt in a long long time.
I asked a very dear and trusted girl friend to go with me so I might be able to have ease. There will only be two patients but the technician is male. I can not be out of control asleep anywhere. Just can not. She was so kind she said "I find it amazing that you hold it together as well as you do".
This one thing really left me in a panic. That was the first time in years that I was in such a panicked state.

The EMDR is kicking me hard and healing me profoundly.
The binging at night is lessened. However today when panicked my lunch was enough to feed two and it left me sick. Over eating the panick. The feelings of not being understood. My husband thought it should not be any big deal. Strang that he actually said that to me.

It is what it is and that is REAL. I feel so much better knowing she will be there however I feel a bit concerned that something could come up and she would not be able to keep her promise.

my emotions are real intence and very much a roller coaster.
Did you know I scream my fool head off when I ride roller coasters like it defuses me. Happened at Disneyland. My Goodness screaming is even at the base of my chest as well.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

aurora borealis

Grandfather hold me near. 
Cover me in the colors of the Heavenly Sphere. 
Wrap me crestfallen... I am here.

crest·fallen (krestfôl′ən)
  1. with drooping crest or bowed head
  2. dejected, disheartened, or humbled

EMDR was tough today
I am grieving such a terrible terrible event.

    Songs of my heart