Walking Wounded

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Ginger my rabbit

Today I took my rabbit to the vet. She has mites in her ears. I cleaned her ears three days ago and kept watch on her. Calling the vet I learned that she had to go to an exotic animal hospital. Vets here do not treat rabbits. When I made the call last week the cost really threw me. $65. just to see the doc. Then add medication ect. took the cost too high in my mind.
That is where my heart came in. The loving heart of my husband as well. The reality that we are responsible for her life. We as parents are responsible to teach our children by example. The bunny got a dusting of DEarth. I knew she needed more. We spoke of putting her down, that conversation ended abruptly.
Yesterday I called again and made the appointment for this morning to take her in. My MIND could not get over the cost issue.
There I stood in the office over her. The vet confirmed what I knew and reviewed the charges. He left and I awaited the nurse to come with the medication for both of our bunnies. She was a while and as I stood there in that most holy of moments my MIND gave way to the beauty of my heart.
On the wall was a print of a large field with a bunny running freely. In that instant I remembered the Rabbit that was killed over me during the stone table torture of my youth.
I came full circle today. I got to pay it forward and nurture the life of my little rabbit. I got to overcome my MIND with my heart. My husbands heart was in full agreement. My children are so happy to know that Ginger the bunny will be alright. Her life is of great value. $128. is a cost of the mind that makes little sense to it, but Ginger cared for is all the wealth this woman could ever desire.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Body Memories

We are so fearfully made. Being Body/Soul/Spirit. We who have gone through the levels of recovery than find yourself like an onion facing another layer often stand amazed. Recently it has come to my attention that the pains of a yet to be diagnosed medical condition my have some roots in body memory.
I am trying to stay off of pain medication. In doing so I began to do some yoga. Mainly stretching and breathing exercises. It makes no sense yet a lot of sense at the same time. The myofacial pain syndrome is radically helped by deep stretching. After the first class the pain was a third reduced for about 18 hours.

Years back in recovery I learned about body memory. It is deeply ingrained within us, as is scent memory. Think of a favorite memory, often a fragrance is associated. Like every time you smell apple pie perhaps you remember a grandmother.

As a survivor of torture one is deeply left with a protective state of flight/fight that is left alert. It creates a chemical compound called cortisol. A brain chemical that signals danger, adrenalin flushes into the system and the muscles tighten. For me I live with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder so my cortisol is continuous. It has left me with a muscle disorder that signals constantly on a low grade level. Think a 'BANG!' sound and how one curls into a slight fetal form. Always my body is in this state. It was so much better for a very long time. Until the month in the nursing home. All bets were off and the old protective state became influenced by the degree of pain and be-trail experience there. My body remembered being tortured un-safe. It once again locked down. It is not a mental thing. It got by my mind and I did not even realize it was happening. Now almost a year later the pain of tight constantly firing muscles has left me a mess with painful constant distress. A build up of lactic acid will get some resolve so drinking a lot of water while doing deep stretching is important. The scars on my muscles will be an issue to address.

With deep prayer and meditation friendship with my maker has directed me toward the eastern wisdom of yoga. We westerners often disregard other cultures through ignorance often missing out on the ancient knowledge. As a Christian I have also witnessed fear of other cultures expressed as prejudiced among Christian faiths. This is a sad shame that could often be cleansed with knowledge and understanding. Even tolerance is an expression of LOVE. So with a trust in my FATHER GOD I followed the path before me. Now I am not speaking of a change in religion. Not a Hindu faith, just an Eastern Knowledge and respect toward the Creator and this beautiful creation of His. I am farthing my study into the understanding based in that language so often judged. If we Westerners spoke as an East Indian the terms could be heard not as a religion but as an expression of ideas and knowledge.

After the very first class my pain was so greatly reduced just by learning breathing techniques. The second class was meditation, in Western Christian/PRAYER. See how the language is a hindrance. It was in focus stopping the focus from being run-amuck. Learning how to come to center is a gift. In the East Indian expression of terms a word chakra (means spinning wheel) is expressed the seven aspects of the body. I learned a little of this in recovery but blue it off as religion I wanted no part of. It now is to me rather a science and it really is something tangible. For example in all of my drawing throughout the years of recovery Never were there feet on any of my portraits. The feet are a grounding in this life, they are symbolic of safety. The beginning of my recovering of memories and flashbacks began after a chiropractic adjustment of my tail bone. That part of me was locked into what was referred to as tail wag syndrome. The flash backs and memories came flowing out in the years after that. I had locked it all away. Common among sexual abuse survivors.

I survived where many of my peers committed suicide in part because I went off into spirit. I lived in the chakra of the spirit. Without being based or grounded in body, I was able to endure the torments that occurred in my body, even though my body remembered the pains it endured as tensed muscles. Others went into addiction to dull the memory and blank it out. We all try to find a way to endure and survive.

When I was in the nursing home denied of pain medication after the knee replacement I went into a place where I even stopped speaking or writing. I went into and did not reach out to others hardly at all. I sort of just left and went into the quiet place of spirit. Tense in my bones and secluded into thought and prayer these last few months. It is time to once again get grounded and find that place once again that tells my soul that I will not be tortured, harmed or abandoned. I will be here for me. God will be here for me. I do not need to be afraid. That experience really left me shaken. I understand that medically the diagnosis of muscle disorder will need to be dealt with. I will however try to help myself as much as I can through diet, and stretching. I will look into the spirit and soul of this woman also to see where there is healing to found in that.

Yoga with the healing of body through stretching and the healing of soul through focus included. Now when I think of eight limbs of yoga in my mind I saw a idol of a Hindu type. With better understanding and respect of the symbolic I have a better understanding of an expression. Many who understand yoga see that it is not signally a Hindu thing. It is a way that a sage expressed knowledge. Drishti is another aspect of the knowledge. It is East Indian in language it could of been French, English, German, Russian or Hebrew, but just the language stumbles folks. It was a way that someone found words to express the deeper spiritual facts to help out the humanity surrounding them.

The first thing I grabbed was 'do no harm'. The countless times over the last month that this has come to mind while avoiding certain toxic to me foods has really helped me. Jesus taught so many of these things expressed through the translations from Hebrew to English. Using different symbols and words He expressed His heart, Gods heart. God is universal and we Westerners are not the only ones He taught wisdom to.

Learn from everything, chew on it spit it out if ya want but I have found some nutrients here. God is using this knowledge in the healing of my body/soul and spirit. Perhaps it might be of help to you as well.

I have no intention of being Hindu or becoming Buddhist, but I think I can glean and learn from others.

Drishti is relating to concentration. It is also a term used in Buddhism. Here however I am just learning to think of it in terms of concentration, intentional focus not as a religious practice.

Just for Cultural study here is the ...


The source of dṛṣṭis in yoga is limbs five and six from the eight limbs of yoga. The fifth limb of yoga pratyahara concerns sense withdrawal. To avoid the delusion and suffering caused by preoccupation with sense objects as described in the Maitri Upanishad, sense withdrawal is practiced in order to help the practitioner become "centered". According to tantric philosophy, keeping "centered" madhya will eventually suspend the mind and prana, allowing recognition of bhairava, or device consciousness.[1]
The sixth limb of yoga dharana (concentration), includes maintaining dṛṣṭi during yoga practice in order to ensure dhyana meditation will occur.[

Read below to help you discover the meaning of your drishti


Red Drishti

The color Red is symbolic of the root chakra also called Muladara (mula means root) chakra (means spinning wheel) and is located at the base of your spine. The red drishti could help you focus on you living or financial situation. It can also symbolize what is truly important to you. There are eight limbs of Yoga. The first limb is the Yamas (means right living). There are five of them. The first one is called Ahimsa which means non-harming. Ahimsa relates to being kind to yourself. This is the mula or root of being a path of yoga. This drishti can also remind you of your path.

Orange Drishti

The color Orange is symbolic of the sacral chakra also called Swadhistana Chakra. This chakra is located about an inch below the belly button. It is symbolic for sensual energy and also creative energy. This drishti could help you get over a creative slump or remind you to feel more beautiful in your own skin. The second limb of yoga is the Niyamas. There are five Niyamas and one of them is Santosha. Santosha is accepting and being grateful for what you have. This is key for a happy life. Let this drishti inspire you to keep a gratitude journal so that you will always remember how lucky you are.

Yellow Drishti

The color Yellow is symbolic for the solar-plexes chakra and is also called Manipura Chakra. This chakra is located just below the ribcage. Manipura is symbolic of the gut feelings you have, or intuition. Let this drishti remind you to trust your inner wisdom and not to worry. All the answers you need are within you. The third limb of yoga is Asana or poses. Yes, poses are only one of the eight limbs. Your yellow drishti can remind you to practice yoga so that your body is tone, fine-tuned and healthy. Then your intuition will be working at its peak performance.

Green Drishti

The color Green is symbolic for the heart chakra and is also called Anahata. This chakra is located right in the middle of your ribcage. It is concerned with all things LOVE. Let this drishti remind you that LOVE is the answer. Show compassion to someone who may not even deserve it. Make some stranger’s day and pay forward a token of generosity. Remember all the love you put out in the world multiplies infinitely. The forth limb is Pranayama. Pranayama is breath control. Prana means life force. Let your beautiful drishti remind you to follow your breath and when you do that, you will be in the moment, where love is.

Blue Drishti

The color Blue is symbolic of the throat chakra and is also called Vishuddha. This chakra is located in the neck. This chakra is all about all forms of self-expression. Let a person know what you do that is special. Tell someone how you really feel. Sing! Dance! Play! The fifth limb of yoga is Pratyahara which means to control the senses. This is done by meditating on an inner focus. This inner focus can be on a point (like a drishti) or an idea. Choose an idea that helps you really know what you want to express in the world. Remember every word, and every thought is an action and they can make the world a better place or cause harm. Spending time focusing on true expression will help you to not cause harm.

Purple Drishti

Purple is symbolic for the third eye chakra. The third eye chakra is also called Anja. It is located between the eyebrows. This chakra is about exploring and focusing on the spiritual or higher self. Use your purple drishti to focus on your life's purpose or what yogi’s call Dharma. Maybe you are just looking for a way to connect with God or your higher power. Let this drishti help remind you to do that. Dharana is the sixth limb of yoga and the drishti is one of the wonderful tools to help you cultivated it. Dharana is about on pointed focus, completely immersing yourself in an activity, meditation or a yoga practice. When you do this everything else falls away and you are in the present moment. Let your drishti help you find the present moment!

Clear Drishti

Clear represents the highest chakra, the crown chakra. Sahasrara is the Sanskrit name for the crown chakra. Clear is every color in the spectrum and none of them at the same time. So like the color, Sahasrara is about everything in the world or even universe and none of it at the same time. Let your clear drishti remind you that you are very important and the world was made for you, and also everyone and everything out there is just as important as the world, and the universe was made for them too. The seventh limb of yoga is Dhyana. It is meditation on the divine. It is also devotion to the divine. If you believe in God, then let the drishti remind you of your love for God and his love for you. Let yourself be overwhelmed. If you do not believe in God let the drishti remind you of nature, the forces of nature, and all that still is just waiting to be discovered.

White Drishti

Pundarika means “white lotus” in Sanskrit. It is a symbol of purity and innocence. The lotus flower grows in mucky ponds and makes its way to the top to show it’s beauty. It rises above all the mud and makes something beautiful out of it. It is magic. The white drishti is to remind you of how much you can really do out of things that may not seem like much. You are more than your circumstances.

Black Drishti

In yoga there are five Kleshas. When you are living in the Kleshas you are seeing the world in a distorted way.
  • Ignorance (avidya)- not knowing the right way
  • Ego (asmita)- believing only you know the right way
  • Attachment to Pleasure (raga) – seeking pleasure over what is right or healthy
  • Aversion to Pain (dvesa) – running from things that could hurt you
  • Fear of Death (abhinivesah)- clinging to life
Let your black drishti remind you that you might not be seeing the big picture and to have faith.

Pearlized Drishti

If your drishti seems to have a pearly sheen to it, let it remind you of balance. This balance is for your life, that you will have the wisdom to know what to do, when to do it and that you will know when to say yes and when to say now. Within this balance, your dreams will come true.

Monday, June 18, 2012

One nasty comment

I can't even make sense of this semi-literate blather. Was this written by a 5-year old?

Friday, June 15, 2012

A quote my husband sent me today

"Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocre minds."
-Albert Einstein

A note on Introverts

click on the link above to watch this video .

My husband is a wonderful Introvert. I am on the line just in the middle between introvert and extroverts. So this sweet man has really had a lot of misunderstanding.
We have been married 30 years now and it is amazing how much of his personality was misread. He needs time to be alone and focused.
You too may interact with introverted folks, or you may tend to be so yourself. I hope that this an encouragement to understand one another and to love.
Remember is good to be true to who you are. 

Monday, May 21, 2012

On death and dying

Tonight was a holy night

We were called for days in heart to go to him. Tonight we did so. Our Uncle B. was dying. With family around the air was charged.
Yet still I could hear him and he me. We sang some hymns and he responded although all but comatose. We was in that place between both whelms. His shell no longer easy to response. Yet he could furrow his brow or raise a hand. He reached for me and for his daughter too when we rose.
With several of us there the love that filled that room was rich.
When at the 11th hour it was time for us to return homeward bound to tend our children, I said my gratitude of heart to him. Thanking him for the honor of the journey and telling him of the wonder and the gift of knowing a honorable man. Telling him not to be afraid or fear, kissing his cheek . Asking of him to remember Steve and I and the children when he is standing beside that thrown. I told him that I will see him on the other side.
For the only and first time of the evening...he whispered in front of three of his daughters. "I love you.". They heard it and saw his mouth move.
Our Dear Uncle B. is to the far right. 
Peaceful flight dear friend.
Image take in 2004 at our Indian wedding
Uncle B is to the gar l
I love you to Dear Uncle B. My husbands paternal Uncle.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Months of Activity

The time of challenge is finally mellowing. In August I had a total Knee replacement. After 23 days in a nursing home I was wrecked. I was physically not sexually violated and made to be a threat to the center. They treated me as they liked to remove all credibility they could. This is a common for folks who are survivors left with diagnosis like PTSD. We get labeled by them. They will use all against us, as if we are the week. I was dumb founded at the unethical behavior and filed grievance with the state medical board. Being delivered over to the center while only two days after surgery; papers placed before me with a little check mark in a box that gave them all the legal leverage to do whatever they pleased.
The people on floor were very respectful for the greatest part. It was just too stressful during a time that was set aside for me to heal. So now into my fifth month of recovering my leg my soul is settled better within me. It was an experience I hope to never see anyone repeat. I almost lost the use of my leg due to neglect on top of everything. Left for many hours several times without proper pain medication because they forgot to order it!

Stay with your loved one when you admit them into any care facility. My husband had to work and care for our kids. There was eventually a woman who was an occupational therapist who stood at my side when she too was appalled by the lack of humanity. I fought hard, there was a police man even in my room taking a statement, adult protective services as well. It was an awful mess. It almost broke me. Lies are like that and those with financial defensiveness will stop at nothing to step on another to rise them-self into an unjust stance.

Well now here I am almost half way healed in leg. My mind calmed, my heart returned into full duty as wife and mother. Actually a full time home schooling mother of a 5th and 7th grader. Hard work! I am using a charter online school that supplies the curriculum. We will have aims testing in a few weeks. My children need this time to heal. I was gone for a month and so out of it with medications (knee replacement - PAIN). Pain like you would not believe until at least month four. It is much better than it was but they say it take a year. The kids are asleep on our bedroom floor. They are healing. Before my knee I was diagnosed with the CVID that is every four weeks a six hour infusion of plasma. This was the thing that was slowly killing me. My numbers are up and health is mine with a guarded fourth week as to avoid exposure to infections. Like a true battle to win this has been an enduring fight. The kids see me and they are mindful. They are really wonderful little people with the hardships of attachment deficit disorder. Me going through all of this is hard for them. So they are a major focus. My main main focus.

The day is done and rest is coming to the dark of night. It is a good thing that all the dust is settling.

Months ahead hold many missions, pray I am competent to meet them.

Songs of my heart