Walking Wounded

Saturday, November 28, 2009

These are the lyrics that took a nation to their feet
Affiliation with a woman of common features in an instant.
Many nations then came to comradery with the common loss of dreams killed.
Many who have believed in a dream of gentle love
some kind words lost that childhood to the cruelty of monsters impostors to the dream

Dreams are those expectations based in those desires for the wonder and beauty that might elevate the pains of realities. 

I think this is why the wonderful lady who sang a many nation into a common bond found unity of minds.

Realities are much harsher
hopes are more level less climatic
Even for the most well exercised optimist.
Things are never really what they seam.

Those tigers that thunder in our minds have struck our spirits with the lightening that sears into us the pains. Pangs that change us from whom we might of become.
Create a vibrato of thunder that we allow to reverberate all of our days.
Even if it were our fantasy to stop such a thunder...Even if we actually succeed still the walls rattle.

Listen here to those truths that touched hearts in the inner most parts.

There was a time when men were kind,
And their voices were soft,
And their words inviting.
There was a time when love was blind,
And the world was a song,
And the song was exciting.
There was a time when it all went wrong...

I dreamed a dream in time gone by,
When hope was high and life, worth living.
I dreamed that love would never die,
I dreamed that God would be forgiving.
Then I was young and unafraid,
And dreams were made and used and wasted.
There was no ransom to be paid,
No song unsung, no wine, untasted.

But the tigers come at night,
With their voices soft as thunder,
As they tear your hope apart,
And they turn your dream to shame.

He slept a summer by my side,
He filled my days with endless wonder...
He took my childhood in his stride,
But he was gone when autumn came!

And still I dream he'll come to me,
That we will live the years together,
But there are dreams that cannot be,
And there are storms we cannot weather!

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living,
So different now from what it seemed...
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed...

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

For His lovingkindness is everlasting,

Psalms 136:
  23 Who remembered us in our low estate,
For His lovingkindness is everlasting,
  24 And has rescued us from our adversaries,
For His lovingkindness is everlasting;
  25 Who gives food to all flesh,
For His lovingkindness is everlasting.
  26 Give thanks to the God of heaven,
For His lovingkindness is everlasting.

May thankfulness overpower you with a grateful heart.
With a heart of gratitude every trail becomes an act of worship.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Fighting to make a change

I am sitting up half dim of vision with the magnification full on.
I did not grab my glasses. Wow I did not realize my vision has become so dependent on them.
Tonight I was triggered off while watching a Muppet Movie with the gamily. The CIA type characters were torturing the puppet. On it came that sick feeling of pressure, that rise in addrinaline that quickening of my heart.

I left the room hoping that no one would notice.
I took courage as the pillow toched my head softly speaking up.
I told him how I was afraid I woulsd be ridiculed or made fun of that I was triggered. I was sore embarrased as it was .
A puppet! having his brain sucked out sent me into a panic and I had to leave. It is the music the emote the fear that cold heart of the offender that brings it all up in me. Not intelectuallu until after time has passed and I can think it through.
I tried to sleep and can not.
the flight /fight is on. Ready for action.

Today I let go of control a bit to give my kids some freedom of distance and let them go to the park with a group on bikes for thiry minutes. I think that the stress of it unluing was a challenge. I prayed and I did everything to equip and empower them and we set a short time limit. I still really was hard for me. They even came back early. They need controlled freedom. So many parents just do this without thought.
The children act as if I am from mars that I care about my kids and that I even show concern over them.

Oh My Dear Sweet Lord I am so not in love with this world. It is so messed up. So much evil and so many creeps and perverts and evil souls roaming about. This is a real challenge to parent in these days.

It is even more so for me. Fot those of us with PTSD and it is hard.
I fear making that one mistake that will cause them to be in danger. That what if I relax too much. What if I disqualify my concern thinking that I am just over reacting as a suvivor.

I tried to nurture my self. Myy feet are now moisturized with soxs on. I took a med to calm the anxiety. I blew off the adrinaline here with my eyes closed for even with a large font it is very hard to read.
Sorry if there is unlimited typos.

My husband lost patience today while we were working in the garage. Perhaps I provoked him by felling frustrated that he was in lingering (it seamed) as I was still working. See he takes care of himself stoping to eat. Me...well I grapped two stices of lunchmeat and rolled them up headed back to work did'nt even stop for a napkin. Set to task.
He appoligized at end of evening.
I had showered and was so pulled away inside. Thinking of that ADD stuff "not worth it".
I was going to speak no mor thins evening and just go to bed without even the custmoary good night.
He came in and appoligized. In his anger and frustration he actually told me to "shut up"!
I was so angry and waited an apoligy just finally going out to take my anger out on the garden shed.
Anger a funny thing fives the figt of strength. I tore that shed apart , enptied it out  and put the shelf unit in on my own. Not caring how it effected my bldy. I was so mad.
After a time with the thoughts of it take one to bend first in my pride I mustered up enough respect for my marriage that I went to the garage and appoligized for provoking him by telling him to "bite me'. Bet that surprized you. Well I have often used this in humor to express the opposition to being a mouse. Usually he loves it for he really wants me to stand up to him. This time how ever I was not really joking for I was a bit fed up. So I appoligized for it and just worked the evening away in silence until the walls came down and the ice melted. It was however very stressful.
So we just gave each other spack. He said I had nothing to appoligize for (owning it all) it was not all his to own. I knew that. He tends to blame himself for all of it. maybe that explains 27 years of marrage we error make amends and forgive nad support and go on. Allways  haveing peace before either of us sleeps. A marrital rule we set as an agreement early on.
I guess I am rambling at this point but I feel more relaxed. my palse is slowed more.
I am begining to feel tired.

There you have it I did ny best to take care of myself.
Life in my world.
My life is good. Hard at times byt good. PTSD is a real hassel. Stress of the day. Angry words reverberate in me like blows that little child within still reals from the celular memory of what it was like to be her.
Most folks have spats and go on. I have a bit longer a process. That is how it is being a survior and overcommer who tenatiously trudges on.

I love a good fight byt the question is...are you fighting to punish or to make a change?

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Being Me gave me this kind gift of flowers this morning. How thoughtful. Today I really needed a nice sweet smile of a flower. Thank you

Time to share this  (it is a lovely feeling to receive but you have to work for it and anyhow it is a good excuse to touch base with other bloggers to whom I haven't passed on anything);

the rules are as follows:
1. Thank whoever gave this to you
2. Copy award
3. Post it in your blog
4. Tell us 7 things that your readers don’t know
5. Link 7 new bloggers
6. Notify winners of the award with a comment on their blog
7. Keep being awesome!

Well seven things about me that my readers do not know.

1. I love Cherries and cherry juice, they have a natural anti inflammatory property that helps with physical pain.
2. Birds in nature bring a solace and a peace that is wonderful.
3. Wild creatures are drawn to me and I have a reputation with friends who have witnessed so often a bird, or a lizard or most recently a little frog jumped on my cheek and gave me a hello. I am not afraid of them. I love how they feel safe with me.
4.I am an artist and have varied talents and skills with many different types of mediums. see "A place to Create"
5. I am an avid organic gardener see "Bee Bliss Gardens"
6. I love to drink loose lief brewed tea from my china tea pot and tea cup and saucer.
7. I almost exclusively ware cotton fabric, and murrel shoes.

And here are my seven choices:

1. Sarah at Writing
2. Cora Hidden Riches From Secret Places
3. Debbie from There is an Angle on my Front porch
4. Blest Atheist
5. God among us
6.Marsha's Musings
7.Sugarloaf Mountain

please pass it on

Saturday, November 7, 2009

ADD and the effects of AVOIDANT Behaviors

Views others as undependable
Views self as unlovable or "too good" for others
Relationships feel either threatening to one's sense of control, not worth the effort, or both
Compulsive self-reliance
Passive withdrawal

Wow It is so amazing when my eyes are opened. At 3 a.m. I awoke. All of a sudden I saw it.
The "Views self as unlovable or "too good" for others" statement. I never really saw it before.

In the esteem development it is 5 phase
sense of self

In my family of origin I never ever felt safe, EVER! That is the foundational asset of bonding and attaching. I was the last of 8 kids, 7 that lived. As each sibling that was home in my youth left I had little to no affiliations with them afterward. Almost all of them never looked back once they got out they wanted little to nothing to do with my parents. I think that only in adult hood a few of us have gotten acquainted but only one sister and I are friends. We are safe together, we each know who we are and we both have dealt with the abuse in recovery. She is the one who came forward in my early recovery and affirmed all that I had remembered. We have a sense of affiliation with each other. Even so we are both broken in our ability to really attach. But we have more so than any of the others have with me or I with them.

Two of the brothers are somewhat affiliated, I think three loosely. They were all stair step in age.

So is it any wonder that these things apply to me. I will only speak of how they apply to me for that is all I can face or change.

I had little to nothing to use as a reference in life. A measure to asses my safety for I survived not thrived during my youth and yet even in small nuances yet. These things are those being challenged.
It occurred to me that I have always looked as if I thought I was better and I always compared myself with what my siblings did and tried to learn from their mistakes. It was all I had to go on.
Then I became a Christian and the Bible became my Guide Book. It is the only thing that taught me what my life was suppose to look like. What I was supposed to be like and how I was suppose to act.
All the while NEVER feeling safe around ANY of my siblings or parents for that matter.
It has left me a stranger to their children and their children children. And so it continues as it is said the ADD of families is passed on.

I think I found a false sense of safety in that measure and that I was better, or doing life better than what I had witnessed before me. How arrogant that not only seems but is! At least I am sure it appears so. But I really do not choose to believe that. I think I found safety all these years though in believing it. That my life would somehow be O.K. If I could just learn by watching and try so hard to gain from their examples both positive and negative. But it was the negative that got focused on because it was that that left me so threatened. When threatened I passively withdraw to try to keep safe. I compulsively depend on self-reliance and then I know the motive (good or bad) and what the effects be they were my doing...it was not going to be "done" to me anymore. I could not depend on my family, even if or when they have been dependable in adulthood. Broken I could not relax to rely on them. I had to stick to that only safety net I knew. Self Reliance and Passive Withdrawal.

What a yo yo that must be to others in my life. Especially my siblings. Is it any wonder though? We were not raised to be friends. We survived youth until we each could get the h--- out of there! Then there was no looking back for each one ( with the exception of a sister who came home from a violent relationship) She made a beautiful outfit for my graduation from high school. However she was going to have her first son, it was only a few months after I had lost mine. I could not emotionally deal with it all. I was a teenager then with that attitude to match. I was not about to hang around when graduation and a boyfriend could make my escape. My siblings left home then had to try to survive on their own out in the wide world with many a ship wreck.

Grace is unmerited favor, somehow in my adult life I have received a lot of it. Perhaps I owe my sibling a debt of gratitude for they struggled the road before me. They taught me unwittingly so, to keep going. Fighters they all are, tenacious souls. In that thought I think for the first time in my 48 years I feel a little more affiliated with each one of them. I always saw them as strangers. As each one before me was kicked out, run away, eloped or given a way I believed a lie. That lie got rooted deeper as each left. Often violent exits, and I remained there. Somehow I was going to do better than that. I was the only one who did not run away. Oh man trust me I wanted to. But they showed me what could happen to me if I did. It made me look so "better than thou". I wasn't and am not. I was just trying to learn and live and get out of there in one piece. My Parents tried to by their way out of the guilt and that made me "have" more things in my youth. All those things I gave away literally. I was terrified. I even tried new things. I got on honor role, worked so hard for it thinking that my parents might love me "if". I did not change anything. Just made my siblings think I thought I was better than them...well truth be told in the sickness of ADD that must of somehow made me make it through the madness. I am not nor never have been any more worthy of favor than anyone else.

I made better choices because I had better teachers. My siblings unwittingly were some of them.
I held against them that they were not there. I felt abandoned as a child. Well you can't abandon an Adult.
Relationships feel either threatening to one's sense of control, not worth the effort, or both.
As an adult I would just walk away. If I felt out of control of my safety it was often the only solution I knew to do. It would be so hard to make amends over and over again with the craziness that familiar dysfunction can have. Often with all of the other things going on in my life it did feel like it was not worth the effort. Not worth the strife. The conflict however of what that Ol' life manual said would press me back to relationship with them. That Bible must of seamed a hammer to some of them.

Well boy howdy I think I am growing a sense of self.
Coming down to where I ought to be.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Adult Attatchment Disorder

Attachment Disorder is rooted in childhood and, if left untreated at an early age, will carry through into adulthood and affect an individual's relationships and ability to negotiate through life.

This describes not only the characteristics of adult attachment disorder but the type of therapeutic regimen that may be used .

"Unresolved childhood attachment issues leave an adult vulnerable to difficulties in forming secure adult relationships. Patterns of attachment continue through the life cycle and across generations. New relations are affected by the expectations developed in past relationships. There is a strong correlation between insecure adult attachment and marital dissatisfaction and negative marital interactions. If an adult does not feel safe with others, he/she will tend to be either rejecting of their partner or overly clingy." "Attachment problems are often handed down transgenerationally unless someone breaks the chain. As a parent, an insecurely attached adult may lack the ability to form a strong attachment to their child and provide the necessary attachment cues required for the healthy emotional development of the child thereby predisposing their child to a lifetime of relationship difficulties."

"Depending on the genetic personality style of the individual and the early life events experienced, insecurely attached adults fall in one of two categories of insecure attachment:

AVOIDANT ---------
Intense anger and loss 
Critical of others
Sensitive to blame
Lack of empathy
Views others as untrustworthy
Views others as undependable
Views self as unlovable or "too good" for others
Relationships feel either threatening to one's sense of control, not worth the effort, or both
Compulsive self-reliance
Passive withdrawal
Low levels of perceived support
Difficulty getting along with co-workers, often preferring to work alone
Work may provide a good excuse to avoid personal relations
Fear of closeness in relationships
Avoidance of intimacy
Unlikely to idealize the love relationship
Tendency toward Introjective depression (self critical)

ANXIOUS/AMBIVILENT ------------------
Compulsive Caregiving
Feel overinvolved and underappreciated
Rapid relationship breakups
Idealizing of others
Strong desire for partner to reciprocate in relationship
Desire for extensive contact and declarations of affections 
Overinvests his/her emotions in a relationship
Perceives relationships as imbalanced
Relationship is idealized
Preoccupation with relationship
Dependence on relationship
Heavy reliance on partner
Views partner as desirable but unpredictable (sometimes available, sometimes not)
Perceives others as difficult to understand
Relationship is primary method by which one can experience a sense of security
Unlikely to view others as altruistic
Sensitive to rejection
Discomfort with anger
Extreme emotions
Jealous Possessive
Views self as unlovable
Suicide attempts
Mood swings
Tendency toward anaclitic depression (dependent depression)

GOALS OF THERAPY ----------------- Identify early losses Mourn the loss of that which never was but yearned for deeply Provide closure to the unresolved relationship longings with parental attachment figures Reorganize belief system and physiological reaction to attachment relationships "Gratefully, attachment styles are not fixed in stone and with either positive life experience or appropriate therapeutic intervention and a strong desire for change adults can alter their relationships and experience true intimacy and closeness."

One form of treatment may be...

ADULT INTENSIVE --------------- 3 hours of therapy per day Monday through Friday. "Homework" assignments designed for self-exploration may require time during the afternoon or evening. Alternate models of body/mind therapy may require time during the afternoons. Intimate partners are invited to join in therapy during part or all of treatment. Generally 6 to 10 therapy days are required, although in certain situations a shorter duration may be adequate.

I am going at it as a Part of the EDMR preparations.
She sees some of the symptoms in me.
Funny I have studied this extensively regarding kids.
It had crossed my mind if I might be struggling with this as a parent.
I am.
It isn't any wonder.
I do see however that I have come a long long way.
All of the things no longer amply to me but a few still yet do.
I do not want to stop until I am the best me I can become.
I owe it to myself and to my children..

If you as an adult are struggling in life with these symptoms consider looking into it to get help.
Your worth it.

Songs of my heart