Walking Wounded

Tuesday, August 17, 2010


Stress. Stress initiates the release of a variety of hormones that make your pulse race and cause your blood pressure to rise. The hormone cortisol, released to lessen these effects, also creates problems when it remains chronically elevated. Try practicing relaxation techniques to help manage stress, and get enough sleep every night. 

I read an article in a health publication this morning. So alright it is true yep the effects are real.

So kids do this...address the cortisol NOW

Lamictal is a very useful tool or medication. It took a good 30 years for anyone to offer anything to help this cortisol flush to stop. This medication really has changed my daily life. That flush of cortisol made me someone else it left me an angry reactor, the shaking of frustration left me exposed to blowups and in-congruent responses. Embarrassed low self esteem and so on.

This does not have to be left to it's devices. The inflammation caused to our body is lasting so stop and tend to it.
You Matter

I often use essence oils like this one
Stress Relief Synergy Blend Essential Oil- 30 ml (Bergamot, Patchouli, Blood Orange, Ylang Ylang & Grapefruit)
click on image

Monday, August 16, 2010

The effects of P.T.S.D. and disassociation

Fight / Flight
Hyper diligence ingrained into the very synapse of the physical tissue of the brain. Trained to focus constantly so constantly that over years it is not even a conscience event.  So that most of the focus of every moment of life is taken up in it. There is a very little percentage left to take in anything else. Then, after years of missing out on all the things going on around me, all the joys and people they disappear. In the fog of those very moments taken away being distracted on keeping safe and creating safety for those around me. I have been so riddled by the Flight/fight defense system ingrained in my brain that not even reason by this highly intelligent woman could will herself out of it. The height of this intelligence and tenacity got me into a safe life and kept me here. But even after 25 years the brain my brain is so hard wired to pursue safety at all cost it has even cost me my very ability to remember the special events with my kids, the names and faces of my friends and the relationships that I could not even relax enough in to remember who they were. Or what our relationship was. Very few folks have I been safe enough that relaxed friendships could occur and remain.

So the solve appears to be intentionally re-wirer'ed. See I thought I had done this but what had been done was actually really 'becoming safe'. Now I need to make my brain hard wire on the fact that I am safe and it can stop. By verbalizing my feelings of every moment into to the pleasures I am experiencing this will be a big start.
So now I have to convince the wiring of my brain to stand down. Physically it must now get intentional focused attention to speak out pleasure experience every moment and how it feels out loud. My Psychiatrist said that the medication itself can cause a slowing of cognitive function. The Disassociation is  actually the flight fight constantly being a sentential relentlessly stopping me from enjoying any given moment. The memory is not created because the synapse are to busy with looking out for danger are possible problems. Literally the ruts in the physical organic brain are stopping the new neuron pathways from forming. Now just like building muscle I have to force the new synapses to form associating feelings to experiences to create memory.
I forgot the appointment I had a week ago. It was a 3 month medication check. I got a bill for the no show. Called today after I got home with the good news from the neurologist. The secretary calls me back she wanted to know if 4:30 might work she had had a cancellation. 
Pretty obvious who orchestrated that.
By the way he gave me grace on the debt and erased it.

So the neurologist wants me to start back up the EDMR, I told the psychiatrist (he is renowned for his work with veterans he handles medications as an MD)  and he warned me to speak to the physiologist about it (p.t.s.d. is her specialty she rewires the brain to stop flash backs). To use care that it not provoke more of the Fight / Flight unconscious response apparently it will be a very fine balance.
The EMDR is to remove the stimulus causing the flight /fight at the same time I must also put huge focus on intentional verbal recognition of experiences at the moment of events identifying pleasurable experiences giving them a feeling name.
So if you already have made it this far in your recovery I applaud you. If your yet on the path and stumbling along I reach out this hand to you.
May this information be a hands up to somebody.
Yes the point is that God does have a purpose in all of this.

Get this the psychiatrist said "(the above) and to Expect and look for miracles". Reminding me that all along many of the things he has witnessed in my life over the years have killed many other of his patients yet I am making it through it all by the faith and grace of God. Cool that he sees it, even cooler that he actually acknowledged it.

My intellect is always unconsciously focused all around me for any dangers to myself or my loved ones . Now I must force this intellect to serve me in another way. Healer heal thy self.

Dissociative Disorder

For the last 25+ years everything I have been able to do to address the P.T.S.D. and dissociative disorder is apparently only a partial cure. Unless a side effect of the anti depressant is causing amnesia it could be that the DD is causing it. 
Today I had wonderful news, aside from the migraine (white spots in my gray matter of the brain) the memory may be DD yet effected by the P.T.S.D.
I am very happy to know that longevity is on my side verses early onset dementia (the threat I have been under for a few years now). I am also discouraged because I thought that after all this time I was on the other side of my youth. I hate that ~ reads this for I have lost the ability to write unabashed well I am going to speak no matter the risk of loss of familiar respect. I can not let that stop my purpose here. I have now for a few years. Every sense ~ became a follower. It is often reported to others who would rather ridicule me and silence my reality. It makes me angry that I have become so passive to it. I felt like guarding pearls. I hated to get trampled on. So I removed myself from myself to protect myself. Stupid ...yes but no less understandable.  
I will discuss the drugs for the depression and the one for the cortisol stress response  this afternoon with the prescribing psychiatrist . Perhaps some of this is a side effect. These issues were going on back before the medications.
When a child is tortured it last a life time. A very very long life time. So many many of those along my way have taken their own life. I can understand it. Though it should never be an option. This is not an option for me. Never has been and now as a parent it can never be. For I could never be so selfish to do so. Oh man do I understand the discouragement though. It leaves an inappropriate shame. One that is not mine for I have done nothing intentionally to cause this wake. In fact everything I can to change it. Perhaps there is more I can do. 
I turn 50 next year when when is it over. Sometimes I think it would of been better if bill and his crony would of just killed me. I fought so hard to live to tell on them. In my ear rings the "God had a purpose in me surviving" ya...well the circle of denial in my family is suffocating! I am trying to find relationships but the dissociative stuff still robs me of a 'normal' life, to the effect that it looked like dementia with the memory loss in day to day. The P.T.S.D. still brings on the D.I.D. whether I notice it doing it or not. Maybe it is an effect of the drugs in combination. I tell ya though this has gotten real old. Ignoring it is just something I wish I could do. I have come so so far from life in a closet terrified not knowing how I got there. 
The damage to my body from the stress. The physical from the abuse...now the Common Immunodeficiency  to endure that may or may not be genetic. It may even have been from the years of P.T.S.D..  Stress destroys the body!
I understand how it seems more merciful if they kill us...for they take a normal life away from us. 
Gee I wonder why we get depressed, so we can live life out though a bottle of antidepressants. Makes me so angry at abusers and parents who neglect the kids in their charge.  Parents who torment their own kids with crap left undone in their own youth.Then others have to step in at the cost of a normal life for themselves. Now that just makes us really feel wonderful about ourselves. sarcasm

So I say table when I want to ask for a drink, or forget what we did as a family last week, month. Don't even remember my friends, or that they were even out there wondering what ever happened to me...it is not organic my physical body will not leave them caring for me in later years as a dementia patient. That is good news. 
I just feel like crying. 
No ~. I don't give a **** if you call ~. and gossip all about it. All of that is full of bitter denial and selfish contempt that's their stuff. If ~. or anyone else for that matter, wants a relationship... all of me or nothing . Non of your business ~. Unless you are for me you are against me. 
Know that I was always for you ~.

Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) (known in the past as Multiple Personality Disorder-MPD) and other Dissociative Disorders are now understood to be fairly common effects of severe trauma in early childhood. The most common cause is extreme, repeated physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse.

There is a great deal of overlap of symptoms and experiences among the several Dissociative Disorders, including DID. Some people who may not qualify for a specific diagnosis may, nevertheless, have problems with dissociation. For ease of reading, we use “Dissociative Disorders” as a general term for all of the diagnoses. Individuals should seek help from qualified mental health providers to answer questions about their own particular circumstances and diagnoses.

Q: Is DID the same as MPD?
n 1994, the American Psychiatric Association’s manual that classifies and describes all psychiatric diagnoses changed the name from Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD) to Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). They felt this better reflected the current professional understanding of the disorder, based on significant recent research.

Q: What Does Trauma Have to Do with DID?
Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is a trauma-related mental illness affecting 8% of Americans. PTSD is closely related to Dissociative Disorders. In fact, most people with a Dissociative Disorder also have PTSD. The cost of trauma disorders is extremely high to individuals, families, and society. Recent research suggests that people with trauma disorders may attempt suicide more often than people who have major depression. Research also shows that people with trauma disorders have more serious medical illnesses, substance use, and self-harming behaviors.

Q: What Is Dissociation?
Dissociation is a disconnection between a person's thoughts, memories, feelings, actions, or sense of who he or she is. This is a normal process that everyone has experienced. Examples of mild, common dissociation include daydreaming, highway hypnosis, or "getting lost" in a book or movie, all of which involve "losing touch" with awareness of one's immediate surroundings.

Q: When Is Dissociation Helpful?
During a traumatic experience such as an accident, disaster, or crime victimization, dissociation can help a person tolerate what might otherwise be too difficult to bear. In situations like these, a person may dissociate the memory of the place, circumstances, or feelings about of the overwhelming event, mentally escaping from the fear, pain, and horror. This may make it difficult to later remember the details of the experience, as reported by many disaster and accident survivors.

Q: What is a Dissociative Disorder?
Tragically, ongoing traumatic conditions such as abuse, community violence, war, or painful medical procedures are not one-time events.  For people repeatedly exposed to these experiences, especially in childhood, dissociation is an extremely effective coping “skill.” However, it can become a double-edged sword. It can protect them from awareness of the pain in the short-run, but a person who dissociates often may find in the long-run his or her sense of personal history and identity is affected. For some people, dissociation is so frequent it results in serious pathology, relationship difficulties, and inability to function, especially when under stress.

Q: Who Gets Dissociative Disorders?
As many as 99% of people who develop Dissociative Disorders have documented histories of repetitive, overwhelming, and often life-threatening trauma at a sensitive developmental stage of childhood (usually before the age of nine). They may also have inherited a biological predisposition for dissociation. In our culture, the most frequent cause of Dissociative Disorders is extreme physical, emotional, and sexual abuse in childhood. Survivors of other kinds of childhood trauma (such as natural disasters, invasive medical procedures, war, kidnapping, and torture) have also reacted by developing Dissociative Disorders.

Q: Is DID a Major Mental Health Problem?

Current research shows that DID may affect 1% of the general population and as many as 5-20% of people in psychiatric hospitals. The rates are even higher among sexual-abuse survivors and addicts. These statistics put Dissociative Disorders in the same category as schizophrenia, depression, and anxiety, as one of the four major mental health problems today.

Q: Does DID Affect Both Women and Men?
Most current literature shows that Dissociative Disorders are recognized primarily among women. The latest research, however, indicates that the disorders may be equally prevalent (but less frequently diagnosed) among men. Men with Dissociative Disorders are most likely to be in treatment for other mental illnesses or drug and alcohol abuse, or they may be incarcerated.

Q: How Does a Dissociative Disorder Develop?
When faced with an overwhelming situation from which there is no physical escape, a child may learn to "go away" in his or her head. Children typically use this ability as a defense against physical and emotional pain, or fear of that pain. By dissociating, thoughts, feelings, memories, and perceptions of the trauma can be separated off in the mind.  This allows the child to function normally. This often happens when no parent or trusted adult is available to stop the hurt, soothe, and care for the child at the time of traumatic crisis. The parent/caregiver may be the source of the trauma, may neglect the child’s needs, may be a co-victim, or may be unaware of the situation.

Q: How Do Dissociative Disorders Help People Survive?

Dissociative Disorders are often called a self-protection or survival technique because they allow individuals to endure "hopeless" circumstances and preserve some healthy functioning. For a child who has been repeatedly physically and sexually assaulted, however, dissociation becomes a reinforced and conditioned defense.

Q: If It’s a Survival Technique, What’s the Down Side?

Because it is so effective, children who are very practiced at dissociating may automatically use it whenever they feel threatened--even if the anxiety-producing situation is not extreme or abusive. Even after the traumatic circumstances are long past, the left-over pattern of defensive dissociation sometimes remains into adulthood. Habitual defensive dissociation may lead to serious dysfunction in school, work, social, and daily activities.

Q: How Do the Identities of DID Develop?
Until about the age of eight or nine years, children are developmentally primed for fantasy play, such as when they create and interact with imaginary “friends.” When under extreme stress, young children may call on this special ability to develop a “character” or “role” into which they can escape when feeling threatened. One therapist described this as nothing more than a little girl imagining herself on a swing in the sunshine instead of at the hands of her abuser. Repeated dissociation can result in a series of separate entities, or mental states, which may eventually take on identities of their own. These entities can become the internal "personality states" of DID. Changing between these states of consciousness is often described as "switching."

Q: Do People Actually Have “Multiple Personalities”?
Yes, and no. One of the reasons for the decision to change the disorder's name from MPD to DID is that "multiple personalities" is a misleading term. A person with DID feels as if she has within her two or more entities, each with its own way of thinking and remembering about herself and her life. These entities previously were often called "personalities," even though the term did not accurately reflect the common definition of the word. Other terms often used by therapists and survivors to describe these entities are: "alternate personalities," "alters," "parts," "states of consciousness," "ego states," and "identities." It is important to keep in mind that although these alternate states may feel or appear to be very different, they are all manifestations of a single, whole person.

Q: Is it Obvious when a Person Switches Personalities?
Unlike popular portrayals of dissociation in books and movies, most people with Dissociative Disorders work hard to hide their dissociation. They can often function so well, especially under controlled circumstances, that family members, coworkers, neighbors, and others with whom they interact daily may not know that they are chronically dissociative.  People with Dissociative Disorders can hold highly responsible jobs, contributing to society in a variety of professions, the arts, and public service.

Q:  What Are the Symptoms of a Dissociative Disorder?
People with Dissociative Disorders may experience any of the following: depression, mood swings, suicidal thoughts or attempts, sleep disorders (insomnia, night terrors, and sleep walking), panic attacks and phobias (flashbacks, reactions to reminders of the trauma), alcohol and drug abuse, compulsions and rituals, psychotic-like symptoms, and eating disorders. In addition, individuals can experience headaches, amnesias, time loss, trances, and "out-of-body experiences." Some people with Dissociative Disorders have a tendency toward self-persecution, self-sabotage, and even violence (both self-inflicted and outwardly directed).

Q: Why Are Dissociative Disorders Often Misdiagnosed?

Dissociative Disorders survivors often spend years living with the wrong diagnosis. They change from therapist to therapist and from medication to medication, getting treatment for symptoms but making little or no actual progress. Research shows that people with Dissociative Disorders spend an average of seven years in the mental health system before getting the correct diagnosis. This is common because the symptoms that drive a person with a Dissociative Disorder to treatment are very similar to those of many other psychiatric diagnoses.

Q: What Are Some Common Misdiagnoses?
Common misdiagnoses include attention deficit disorder (especially among children), because of difficulties in concentration and memory; bipolar disorder, because “switching” can look like rapid-cycling mood swings; schizophrenia or psychoses, because flashbacks can cause auditory and visual hallucinations; and addictions, because alcohol and drugs are frequently used to self medicate or to numb the psychic pain.

Q: What Other Mental Health Problems Are People with DID Likely to Have?
In addition, people with Dissociative Disorders can have other diagnosable mental health problems at the same time. Typically these include depression, post traumatic stress disorder, panic attacks, obsessive compulsive symptoms, phobias, and self-harming behavior such as cutting, eating disorders, and high-risk sexual behaviors. Although they may get expert treatment for the more common secondary issue, if the dissociative disorder is not addressed, recovery is generally short lived.

I have spent so many stinking years addressing it!

Q: Can Dissociative Disorders Be Cured? 

Yes. Dissociative Disorders respond well to individual psychotherapy, or "talk therapy," and to a range of other treatment modalities, including medications, hypnotherapy, and art or movement therapy. In fact, compared to other severe psychiatric disorders, Dissociative Disorders may carry the best prognosis, if proper treatment is undertaken and completed. The course of treatment is long-term, intensive, and painful, as it generally involves remembering and reclaiming the dissociated traumatic experiences. Ultimately, the “alters” or “parts” can merge into a single whole “personality,” reclaiming the awareness, identity, and history previously held by the individual parts. Individuals with Dissociative Disorders have been successfully treated by therapists of all professional backgrounds, generally with special training, working in a variety of settings.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

R.A.D.ical responce to life

My son has Anger/loss insomnia three nights now The RAD stuff hitting him hard. With school getting ready to start and all he is just a bit insecure like WAY! I awoke at 6 am to check on him and I searched the house yards in a PANIC could not find him. He heard the front door close and came out of our bedroom where he was on the floor beside my husband. He had had a bad dream. It is always VERY had on him to separate from home. The kid does not even like to travel. He just wants his home.
So sleepy mom to comfort. So like that image in the descriptions of RAD , is chattering nonsense NONSTOP! for at least 2 hours before he began to calm. sweet baby. My thoughts are to introduce some of this to the kids like a "it's no wonder, It is just a part of how you have coped. Your learning now to function differently. Soon you just won't be coping any more you'll be thriving!"
I would walk out of the room breath deep then think how it is in his shoes go back in and keep listening and engaging
Mercy that was trying. Daddy man has him in the other room calmed for the most part but edging and easily provoked if any frustrations come his way.
Now our Daughter needs to be pulled out she is just the opposite anxious/ambivalent I will need to focus to pull her out over and over and when she is ready she knows I am here. She would just become part of the wall if not. If I do not wait for her timing she gets sorta snooty. It is a real button pusher for me. So I try to think teenager with RAD = stay calm speak to her respectfully and make it about her behavior not her heart. By guarding her heart through the dance she easily comes to offer an apology when the dust settles. I just tell her over and over how I love her for ever.
I tell them often that there is a huge difference between our REACTIONS and who we really are within our hearts. In some folk perhaps not so much but those are already hardened souls who have lost hope.
I just pray for those.

Life with RAD is not easy but understanding when the symptoms get in my face the person is most likely feeling pretty insecure and so I am simply offering a rock for them to hold to. One day they will hold fast on their own. Stand up to the RAD temptations and be able to laugh as they say

Now I find myself watching my own reactions seeing the roots of them and making conscience chooses to learn how to ACT intentionally in a different more educated way.

Songs of my heart