Walking Wounded

Monday, August 16, 2010

The effects of P.T.S.D. and disassociation

Fight / Flight
Hyper diligence ingrained into the very synapse of the physical tissue of the brain. Trained to focus constantly so constantly that over years it is not even a conscience event.  So that most of the focus of every moment of life is taken up in it. There is a very little percentage left to take in anything else. Then, after years of missing out on all the things going on around me, all the joys and people they disappear. In the fog of those very moments taken away being distracted on keeping safe and creating safety for those around me. I have been so riddled by the Flight/fight defense system ingrained in my brain that not even reason by this highly intelligent woman could will herself out of it. The height of this intelligence and tenacity got me into a safe life and kept me here. But even after 25 years the brain my brain is so hard wired to pursue safety at all cost it has even cost me my very ability to remember the special events with my kids, the names and faces of my friends and the relationships that I could not even relax enough in to remember who they were. Or what our relationship was. Very few folks have I been safe enough that relaxed friendships could occur and remain.

So the solve appears to be intentionally re-wirer'ed. See I thought I had done this but what had been done was actually really 'becoming safe'. Now I need to make my brain hard wire on the fact that I am safe and it can stop. By verbalizing my feelings of every moment into to the pleasures I am experiencing this will be a big start.
So now I have to convince the wiring of my brain to stand down. Physically it must now get intentional focused attention to speak out pleasure experience every moment and how it feels out loud. My Psychiatrist said that the medication itself can cause a slowing of cognitive function. The Disassociation is  actually the flight fight constantly being a sentential relentlessly stopping me from enjoying any given moment. The memory is not created because the synapse are to busy with looking out for danger are possible problems. Literally the ruts in the physical organic brain are stopping the new neuron pathways from forming. Now just like building muscle I have to force the new synapses to form associating feelings to experiences to create memory.
I forgot the appointment I had a week ago. It was a 3 month medication check. I got a bill for the no show. Called today after I got home with the good news from the neurologist. The secretary calls me back she wanted to know if 4:30 might work she had had a cancellation. 
Pretty obvious who orchestrated that.
By the way he gave me grace on the debt and erased it.

So the neurologist wants me to start back up the EDMR, I told the psychiatrist (he is renowned for his work with veterans he handles medications as an MD)  and he warned me to speak to the physiologist about it (p.t.s.d. is her specialty she rewires the brain to stop flash backs). To use care that it not provoke more of the Fight / Flight unconscious response apparently it will be a very fine balance.
The EMDR is to remove the stimulus causing the flight /fight at the same time I must also put huge focus on intentional verbal recognition of experiences at the moment of events identifying pleasurable experiences giving them a feeling name.
So if you already have made it this far in your recovery I applaud you. If your yet on the path and stumbling along I reach out this hand to you.
May this information be a hands up to somebody.
Yes the point is that God does have a purpose in all of this.

Get this the psychiatrist said "(the above) and to Expect and look for miracles". Reminding me that all along many of the things he has witnessed in my life over the years have killed many other of his patients yet I am making it through it all by the faith and grace of God. Cool that he sees it, even cooler that he actually acknowledged it.

My intellect is always unconsciously focused all around me for any dangers to myself or my loved ones . Now I must force this intellect to serve me in another way. Healer heal thy self.

1 comment:

David said...

i know folks like this, it is maddening to watch or listen to. I am glad you are working against it. i will pray for you

Songs of my heart