Walking Wounded

Monday, January 28, 2008

An unwelcome guest.

There once was a woman who had been married several times with a long list of children by different biological fathers she again had conceived. Although she had had one daughter by the present husband the second child was not welcome. So much so that the fetus within heard a hell through the wall.
Today a friend posted about the rejection of the fetus in the womb.
During the time of gestation the woman and the man had drag out ,pull the shot gun blow out fights. One ended with my mother being kicked down the stairs with she was 9 months pregnant with me. That was how my entry into this world began. They raced in his car to the hospital and I was then born...Those first words spoken over me were such a curse. "Geesh such a fattie" and My god she sure is fat!" were the first words spoken over me. I spoiled their party.
Through a process of theophostic counseling I realized the message I heard loud and clear was that I spoiled their party. Well I should of been the honored guest. This took a lot of healing but once I saw why I tend to apologize for my existence it made a lot of sense.

I believe that our feelings in there pure form are a gift from the Creator.

Each having a purposed gift to it. When a feeling is appropriate you have...
Fear =wisdom to respond accordingly (fight /flight)
anger=strength to effect a solution
sorrow=healing by seeing the wound for what it is and grieving it (grief is a process).
guilt=amends, apologize identifying the error and owning it. Then change the way you respond in the future.
shame=a change in behavior (what you do) Knowing who you are is vital. A child of a loving God.
loneliness=reaching out to God and to others. Admitting that you can not do it alone. Learning to chose who you trust and who not to trust.

But under the authority of the perverse it is turned around to a harm...
Fear=terror or powerlessness. Inappropriate fear causes us to give our power over to another.
anger=violence getting the result by force.
sorrow=crushing, crippling wounding. The wounds that run so deep as to never surface to be healed.
guilt=rebellion or "I am bad verses What I did was bad" Can not own it or rejects the self and not the bad action.
shame=loss of self worth (shame of who you are verses what you have done)
loneliness=isolation from others with intent to punish.

This turning around of what was intended to make us dynamic causes a broken down mess.
When folks are a mess the gift is missing and all become human doings (apposed to the human being we are created to be).
Then occurs a triangle that is a prison.
The Rage triad
fear of loss/or loss
inappropriate shame/or guilt

When you find yourself raging, your just stuck in feelings that are handicapped from a normal function. But this is a disability that can be turned into a normal ability with knowledge and skill.
By Identifying RAGE when it happens stepping back you then can identify

1. What your angry about so that you have the appropriate energy to change it

2. What it is that you are afraid of losing or what you lost and the wisdom to respond to it on purpose with appropriate intent. Letting go of the loss.

3. If it is shame, change a behavior. If it is guilt then make the appropriate amends.

When you do so the triad loses a corner and the rage is defused. It is a good trick to use when your being raged at too.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Life with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (P.T.S.D.)

Life with Post traumatic Stress Disorder PTSD

We know about this response to trauma because of our war veterans, but there are other kinds of veterans as well. We who survive, whether we overcome or not have a condition often that can really hinder us. Although we can see great progress in a life time it is still a "knee jerk" reaction that often can leave us "different".

Case in point

Beloved and I like to watch a show called "The Office" it is a sit com sorta true to life and very funny. It is also at times very poignant. We come together in his office after story time and just share an astonished glimpse into the mind of some very insightful writers and some very talented actors and actresses. It has always been a safe show with a few boarder line sometimes just over the line moments. Until the night before last. "The Beach episode"

The office team had a beach party with fire walking to try to make a point by the goofy lead character. The character Dwight decided to do the fire walk and try to acquire the bosses job, (the boss was to be promoted). In the scean Dwight stood in the coals and I just locked up. I managed to pull the blanket over my head in hopes that beloved would stop the show. Well Hubby was engrossed and did not see me. I could not make my voice work and I began to rock and was trying to sit it out then they began to scream and I just bolted out of the room seeing Dwight laying in the coals as I ran out of the room. Beloved was crushed that he did not see it. He knows what happened with Carolyn and the murder. It did not happen to him though so he is not effected in the same way I am. He is however very understanding.
We have within us a flight /fight mechanism. In a person with P.T.S.D. we sometimes loose that ability to govern that at will. I really hate it when my voice wont work. I cant speak and I can become unable to move. I become "The Stone One" that is what I always called myself. I just turn to stone. That night I ran, I RAN! that is so big (I have ran before), but there was a day when I just could not move!
I was able to stay present in the moment. Years back that trigger would of taken me right back to the murder scene. I had to go get in my bed and was not able to converse however for the rest of the night. Sorta "dear in the headlight" and very nauseous. I can't speak of my friend here. It was one of the last things I had to address in my recovery. I did contact the police in that town years after the fact. God is so merciful. Another witness my age had called and reported the same event that took place during the same time period in history. I wonder if it was the girlfriend who had made contact with me some months back. I'll maybe never know for she promptly stopped contact when I spoke of being abused she asked me why I did not do or say something and I told her how I was told they would hurt her. Whoever it was really took a great deal of courage. You see when evil is in the upper eshilons of a community it is a very powerful force. History untold will repeat itself.
Well I spent the day yesterday sorta locked up. I sat here and then tended to my son the rest of the day It took me several hours to let my shoulders down. Stress disorders are insidious! They effect every part of your life. The idea of trying to sell on ebay or etsy becomes bigger than life and the annoyance of it is frustrating to say the least.
P.T.S.D. is a very difficult thing to live with. You can gain more authority over it through kindness. Being kind to yourself and remembering that it is ""NO WONDER"" when you have an event really helps to reduce the stress. The hormones and chemicals produced through the adrenaline rush is exhaustive. Be kind to yourself.
I need to be very kind to myself.
My friend died by torture through fire a the hand of that bastard. She was a runaway who was trying to protect me, that night it was my turn on the stone table. She died trying to save me. I saw her murder...I try to do everything I can to stop seeing her murder.
Whenever someone burns on the TV or movie is is so hard for me. Hollywood likes to show those things and it is so hard to avoid it. So many things in life are horrid but I wish I could go through my life never seeing it again. I know that it will not be the case...but I wish those images would be invisible to me.

Those who have experienced torture or events too unspeakable need kindness.
You know what you should just be kind to everyone
for you never know who we are among you.
Be sensitive,
if you see me flinch
don't raise your hand at me...you know.

Songs of my heart