Walking Wounded

Friday, October 24, 2008

Originally Posted 2007

This is an attempt to overcome fear of rejection and to overcome fear of exposing the truth!

I have offended many over the years by telling them what holloween and full moons were like for me as a kid. Who am I, is my big question. One who lets darkness win through silence, or one who overcomes darkness by exposing it to the light. I am the latter!

Some of my earliest memories of the ceremony and worship of the dark side that I experienced here follows.
One of the hardest involved being up in the canyon at the lodge where they gathered. Very late into the night of the moons shining upon them they would begin. After the normal families left and the "die hards" lit the bonfire and continued to binge on the feasts and drink the hard booze it would commence. There was a man who was the leader. He would "all gather, lets get this thing on the road" and cheers would sound up as the wild tones would echo. I and other kids, children of the others there were in a cabin like building. The big kids would then get the little kid that was chosen by the adults. That night it was me.

Folks say that Oct.31 is just an innocent night I stand to differ!

In a cloth bag the big kids (those I now feel most sorry for), placed me. Like well humored or ill humored bullies I was spun around and dizzy. I was laughing innocently ,yet then fear and anger; they would not let me out. The bag was getting dusty for it was drug through the camp. I began to hurt and the air in the bag was stuffy. It stopped That man he was the big man who was the talker and leader of it. He opened it up and every one cheered! he smiled at me. "Let me get you out of there..." smiling at me I felt safe from the bullies. He lifted me up high on the stone table. Everyone cheered and laughed. I was so tired and after a drink, I laid down. He had a bunny. I liked the bunny a lot. He was my friend and he was so soft he was scared. I got very sleepy from the drink. They were all around the table looking at me. Then the big boys were told they had a privilege and a responsibility they felt proud,and stood there. The cup was gold and it was above my face. The bunny screaming and then silent. I went away with him and watched from the forest with the Forest Angel. She was nice and the bunny was in a different body cause the other one was being drained into the cup. I was in a shadow body cause my other one was still on the table.
They took her clothes off she was pretty and tiny. The bunny gave her a drink from the cup and everyone had a sip too. I did not like it. The songs were there yukky songs and looking at the moon. I stayed with Forest Angel, she was nice.
The body on the table had brown hair that was bad she had to be made white. The big boys made her white on both sides and it hurt her, they raped me, a lot.
The man said they did well to whiten me. The girls (my) mom was over at the fire she had food dripping at her mouth and her husband was drunk, bad drunk, over at the fire. They were praised for their offering. The little girl bled. I was hurt bad. Then they wrapped me in the blanket and the Forest Angel let go of my hand and I was her again.
I could not get clean enough. It burnt the hot water just would not take it all away off of me and out of me and I just died there, inside, no more to be.
The next day I then began again. A new girl who nobody could know . I just hid behind my eyes. I was only a little girl.
That is what it means to me.

I hate holloween!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had been chosen weeks before and they worked on my parents to allow it to happen to me.
I was in recovery for three years when I was ready to commit suicide thinking I must be crazy to remember such things when my sister 18 years elder came forward and apologized for not coming forward sooner. I had given her the courage to do so.
I am 17 years out now and I still have to be removed to tell you of the deeds done in darkness.
It is not an innocent night!!!!!!!!!!!!
Somewhere a family is being set up, a child is being primed. Children are scared for life when used as the offenders. This is done to keep witnesses silent!!!

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Here we go again

It is that week before the eve of hollows. I am sick with acid tummy ever seance the blunt force trauma to my belly from my daughters regression.
I am under so much discomfort in so many ways. . this family I have been helping is like old home week. I hate it when folks show them selves untrustworthy. It sickens me to be put in a place of having to suspect others of manipulation. I rather try to give others the benefit of the doubt. Now to feel threatened this week of all weeks with retaliation.
Now a week before, and the school mercifully is not doing the big Halloween parade. Just class parties.
My kids feel left out of the fun of trick or treating. I have two costumes to be prepared, only to find out there is no reason to unless I let them practice this thing. Dear God I hate that I understand...that I have the knowledge of what is happening this week to those victims who are being primed. I am undone Out of my skin. Creeping and crawling within a maze of the insanity of this world.
I want to go home. I do not want the argument of those who justify and ignore real truths. Who minimize and call it "just like out of the Movies"...Oh how evil practices deeds that are so foul that they get away with it because it is so "Unbelievable!"
I am undone.
My family of origin has a weeding of a niece tomorrow. I do not want to feel the memory and the presence of the spirit this week of all weeks. I hate 10-31 I wish they would just erase this whole week off of the calendar so I could live my life without the reliving the trauma.
My daughter came to me with a class request for a snack of her choice of 23 kids...she choose "candied Apples" . Well they have to be store bought. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
Now tell me? the heart of the innocent. To them all things are innocent. They are not so to me, for I have known the heart of pure evil. Letting them be included with their hearts so innocent...God I do not want to expose them to evil. Can it truly be innocent just because they are. Can I find a true innocence to walk them door to door when I would be guilty in my own heart to do so.
I just want to go home tonight. No I will not do myself harm...I am just so very very tired of this memory and knowledge and role to educate to help perhaps the child who, this week, might be in the same role that I bore all those years ago.
I had a woman tell me that satanist just need to be allowed to live and let live. She spoke so ignorantly to me for she knew nothing of me. This was at a class where I was so enjoying an education in the arts.
Live and let live the satanic worshiper?
Will they let the little girl or boy who is being raped and made to drink blood Live
Hell NO! for to them to live is to inflict HELL!

Monday, October 20, 2008

It is stlii happening

Ritual killing similar to what I experienced.

"Like that from a novel"....Oh How that type of statement infuriates me.


Thursday, October 9, 2008

To set the captive free!

As I sit awake at 4 in the morning. I am impressed from a hard dream on how the captive suffers.
Those looking simply (or so should it be) for love and a bond of emotional, heart to heart unity with another are compelled to it. Many have resigned to means by living lives in loveless marriages in order to have needs of shelter and such. I see how imprisoned are, those who are depending upon their own reasoning and effort to find what they need.
Without ever knowing love some are willing to let go of everything they have to purpose the acquisition of love, or a connection that looks like it. Choices are made everyday even in childhood to pursue it. I weep for the captive those who effort on their own powers and reasoning to find it. Suffocated by the reality that it is an endless empty quest.
One that cost them their souls.
I have the chain breaking freedom. The one thing that saved me. The knowledge that I am loved.
I have unmerited favor.
A love that fills the vacuccum that draws the very life out of the captive.
I was set free.
Adopted and heir into the unmerited favor of God.
Predestined and chosen.
Not that I am alone in this , but that I have gained the knowledge of it.
The difference between chains or freedom.
Even within the scritpures I find that Those who are predestinoned choosen before the foundatiions of time...are perishing for a simple lack of knowledge.
How I weep at ignorance.
How I grieve at those chains those endless pursuits that mimic the real thing. My heart so longs to set those who are captive ...free.
Be it known that you are loved.
Innately just for who you are. Loved beyond any measure that can be found in your empty pursuit. It is here waiting for you in this very breath. In this...
Come home.
Into the heart of worship come to your maker who longs for you.
You are loved.
It is true.
With this knowledge know that even in a loveless marriage you are loved.
Even in a empty void of existence you are loved.

I am loved and my marriage is so loving. I am fortunate that way. Loveless ness is such a consequence of trying to fill these voids on our own. Looking in another person for the fulfillment that only your maker can afford you. You see your mate is no different if He/She is in an empty place questing for what likewise you can not give in return.
Come home.
Fill your cup from the true sorce of this inate need.
With it filled then and only then can you ever begin to offer that to another.
So many captive try in vain to effort to "earn" this place . They struggle to gain the ground through "good works" and martyrdom. Sacrificing even any small measure of peace.
All in the pursuit of love, unmerited favor.
Grace has been perverted in churches across our world. Because the leadership and the body does not even have a knowledge of who it is that loves them.
That they have been adopted and become and heir. Perversion swept the message even in the days of Titus. Now so few have clean hands and are not out for the dollar. Snakes in the grass. Taking advantage of the knowledge lacking folk,
who in all good intentions think they must earn this favor.
Unmerited favor is a free gift.
Unlike humanity this gift is offered with no strings attached.
Simply to reciprocate the impassioned favor. Fondly delighting in a friendship with the living God their maker...The one who gave us this void to be filled. His created hole in us is shaped just right only for Him to fill.
To set the captive free.
To proclaim peace to the wherry, and liberty.
So I declare it as I sit up grieving the empty pursuit of so many I witness around me.

Songs of my heart