Walking Wounded

Sunday, March 23, 2008

But... He's done nothing wrong.

Good Easter Morning to all of you.
I awoke before the dawn within a dream.
I was in a high powered office building. I had been at a conference table at the end. It was hard to hear the lead counsel for he was at the far end and I strained to listen. I found myself in the lobby looking for the rest room. I discovered by accident a seamstress boutique. I entered. It was wonderful. There was soft music playing and the fabrics were so beautiful. I stood and took it in. Then I was approached by the proprietor Who was very suspicious yet eager to please my money out of my pocket.
She lead me over to a group of ladies looking at fine silkens that were intended for bustia's and undergarments. I admired the fabrics rich texture and colors and then offered to share my knowledge of color analysis. The proprietor then refused such information and dismissed it as faulty knowledge she did not subscribe too, and walked away.
I again searched out to find a rest room and entered. In stream I looked up as she opened the door with her suspicious key. She began accusing me of thieving from her. I said that I just needed to relieve myself and that was all I was doing. She then called a man in to guard her and I was exposed innocent and embarrassed. Her accusations continued. I emptied my purse that was a very small, then and she opened the small lip gloss of ointment and polluted it with her touch.
Then she ruffed me up and proceeded to throw me out of her shop but she had taken my sewing machine and it was scattered on the ground as I learched to protected it the man and the other was damaging it. I called it my singer (however in real life I use a Phaff). It was not mine. I just thought it was in the dream.
Then I awoke. I was angry because I had done nothing wrong.

Those who have so much to lose will be threatened by our innocence. Just as they were by Christ Jesus. He had done nothing wrong. Look what they did to him. Only He did not open his mouth to defend himself.

I have been very angry. I had done nothing (?) wrong. Yet I am letting go of this house because we can not or choose not to afford to live here any longer. This is a fine luxurious home. Yet I have always felt deep inside that I did not really belong here and that it was temporary. I have been angry about the upheaval of my life. The loss of time with my children (who I had waited so long to have). Angry with God, who has done nothing wrong. Angry with my husband, who has done nothing wrong. Angry because I am suffering discomfort although temporary I grumble. I thought of those Israelites being let free from bondage and in their discomfort they grumbled! I do want to enter in to our promised land. I do not want to annoy my leader (in this case my husband) into utter frustration with me. I do not want him to miss out on entering in because I exasperate him to sin.
It is our dream, it is for us to reinvent ourselves into a life of what we honestly afford. A home without mortgage. A home that is an absolute privileged to even dream of owning, yet it is hard for the rich to enter into the kingdom of heaven...I am getting a little glimpse of what that might mean. Like the tax collector of Luke who gave away a third of all he owned and shared his wealth so it is that Mr Uncommon and I are doing. It is our way to give and yet for several years we have held our excess out of fear. When we lost our lucrative employment we also lost our open hand. We held back what we feared we may never again afford to own. We have made a choice to let go of this home to reinvent ourselves.
Let me tell you that this is no easy task. My flesh has risen within me full of anger at the inconvenience of it all. Although I have known that this home was only for a season, known this deeply within my spirit, I have resented leaving the luxury of it. I have grumbled and belly ached until my husband has hit "the rock" almost. I do not want him to miss entering in because of me.
It is a very hard thing for us to lower our selfs in status, in comfort. It is far easier to raise our selfs. It is the one who is at the lowest place at the table who has opportunity to be lifted to sit closer to counsel.
It is those who have much, who fear the loss of it. We are threatened by those who come in innocence for the suspicion of theft is everywhere.
Entering into the kingdom just might be the absence of such fear of loss.
In it might be the gain of caring more about the other person than to withhold who we are. It is in all these riches that I have closed down to the open handed life I once live and will surly live again.
People are drowning in the accumulation, that is what we are taught we are to do. Accumulate and archive the sure signs that we have arrived. What a target for my anger. That I was deceived into the trap of it. Now ...and now I am to let it all go. All the "Stuff" that took so much of my effort and energies to acquire. The stuff that gave me status. Boy when you stop to really look at it it is so sick and perverted. All of that stuff began to drown me. I was suffocating. I had cried out to God on more than one occasion to help me be free from so much stuff. Now I cry out in frustration because it is so hard to shed it!
He has done nothing wrong.
We are drowning. It is a journey to freedom to entering in to the freedom. The kingdom that I am being gifted with. It is not about me...It is about the kingdom. Freedom from the fear the consuming trend. For all around me the consuming is eating the people alive. Eating every waking moment with the greed for gain and status. It is a hard thing to let go of it too. My flesh has had fits over it. Fear of the loss of all the privileges is hard too (smaller yard, smaller house, older things, closer buildings and so on and on).
We are so very fortunate to make this choice while we are able.
I have to remind myself and convince myself. Egypt is not better it is just what I have known. The promised land is taken by force it takes a lot of effort!
So this Easter Morning perhaps it is for me to walk around those walls of "Jericho" and just keep walking around those walls until all those ancient foundations are loosened up enough so that on that perfect morning I can just blow those trumpets and watch that wall just fall to the ground. All those obstacles and images of everything that is not welcome in, are abolished in my life. It will be a clean city of hope and a land of freedom.
A promised land of life more abundantly.

Songs of my heart