Walking Wounded

Saturday, February 6, 2010

I had a dream

The other morning I awoke from a dream.
In my dream I was in a car with a Very bigoted man. He was ridiculing every aspect of anything of any color other than Caucasian. The obtrusive bigotry was suffocating me. I was a kid in the dream. At one point there was a rest stop I was able to get out and walk over to a bench overlooking water. Just then a congregation of folks dressed in an ethnic garb like sari's came out and around the waters edge. Very softly my voice said "I wish my mom could just fly me home. It is so hard to be with this man for so many many miles. He is just so mean."...
Looking out into the water I saw the most beautiful crystal clear blue eyes looking back at me and in that instant he was at my shoulder.
I awoke.

Yesterday evening my brother called out of the blue because he had received an email I sent him in 2001! He though to call for it was too strange a thing.
I had told him of the dream asking him if He knew of anyone like that in our childhood. Of "course" he said bill. Now bill is he who raped me at 4 years old and we have been working EMDR on the issue with a real treasured gift of realizing at that very moment in my terrible youth I learned to HATE ME.

Now then he continued to tell me that bill's nephew had come to visit when I was 8 or so and my sister 10 or so. The boy not much older than my brother. He asked my brother to join him in "having us for some fun" as in raping us girls. My brother took him outside and kicked the ever livin crap out of him. Just beat him to a pulp.

My brother then told me how those folks were from the back waters of Louisiana where women were a possession as were children. I told him how many times when bill was molesting me that his wife was right there next to me in the bed.
The last thing his wife ever said to me was many years later in my young adult hood "I never slept with him after that" I had not a clue at the time why she said that. She was visiting my mom back when she was alive. She never spoke another word to me the whole time she was visiting and I had to leave. I was married to Steve at the time. It was shortly then after that I began remembering.

Wow, the healing that is going on by the EMDR. By clearing the frontal lobe of these trauma's I am remembering the day to day living of my life. There is room now in the cracks of what it was just to have a day in the life of.

Songs of my heart