Walking Wounded

Friday, December 28, 2007

I just had to vent.

Guys I just had to vent.
I was too tired, angry over memory loss problems, and lonely for those who have passed on.
If I vent and grieve it does not mean I need a psyc.

Bob It just means I ran out of myself.
I have spent many a year with the support of a psychiatrist , meds and intervention. Not ashamed to go to one. I just needed to vent.
I needed to just let it out. I have been patient and thoughtful and forbearing and kind to a breaking point and I just hit that wall after a very frustrating day.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

post Christmas blues

Well it is after midnight now. I feel alone and I hurt inside.
Don't know if I really want to even open up much.
I have a heart to support those around me. I am tired. It has been a long haul of preparations and such.
I see my daughters OCD type behaviors going wild. I need to get her into a Psychiatrists. I do not relish the thought. I really hate it!
My husband is tired and so he is less than affectionate regarding our very needy untrained dog (another responsibility that falls directly upon my back). With my nose rubbed in the carpet for wanting him in the first place. Hubs said yes with his mouth and no in his heart and this has been one challenging dog.
I have such a load on me every day. I carry it well like a horse. but my back is bowing. As is my mind.
I was faced with another long term memory absence over an iron.
At present time I had no idea what was in any of hte boxes that I had wrapped myself , even made them myself. I lost the gift I got for bother to give sister and can not find it. I even lost a gift for sister that I had purchased. I just do not know where I put it and can not find either one.
I had such a bad allergic reaction on Christmas day and just had to work the event inspite of it. This hors is rode hard.
I have a daughter going wako out of her mind this week from her needs... a husband who scared the peace of the morning out of me so bad that my fight/ flight had the adrenaline pounding Hard in my chest.
He owns the bad behavior. It due in large part because of a lack of sleep on his part.
My MILove my have hurt feeling, yet I was able to overcome and understand her behavior once it made more sense to me.

I dreamed for an instant of what it might be like to be on the receiving end of all that I pour out.
What it might be like to have a Mother who did what I do for my children, My mate does pour out to me but a man is different than a woman in this I think, what would it be like to have a mate who like a female poured out to me. I have never known that sort of thing My husband cleaned the children's rooms...it felt so good to not have to do it just that once. but then I had the thoughts of how my in laws may judge me for him doing it. I just could not do anything more and he was so embarrassed that he took it upon himself. I was so confused to think it was a gift of service to me. it may have been in some small part. It was very stressful for both of us. It is finished to a point. Yet I was so surprised to see what a different type of "cleaning" and male brained organizing was done. It was a moment taken back to see who the floor may have been cleared yet the detail undone. (and yet to be accomplished by ME)

I feel rode out. Like I am looking for pasture somewhere just to rest and live out being cared fo.
What a silly dream it ain't going to happen.
If my mind goes will I know my children?
Whenever I try to share these fears and very real concerns with friends or family it makes other uncomfortable and I get all but accused by some of brining it upon myself by a lack of faith.
I among all people have no "little" faith. of that I am sure!
Yet this is a real thing I deal with in silence. I was somewhat sad to hear I had no recall of the iron story...
I tried to remember last Christmas and have no recall...The memories of my children are slipping away and it is only in the photographs that recall gets stirred a bit.
So I go to bed a little melodically tonight.
I am full of gratitude yes...
But I do feel a loss...
I do see and other marathon ahead of me...
my back well...this hours feels her back bow.
What do they do for old horses...if they no longer have any value or work to give...
I have the choice to just saddle up and keep to tasks set before me. I have to choose going on...moving forward into the sunrise and sunset of each new day.
My sunrise is not what I had hoped for but it is mine to awaken too

I have such a charmed life, so rich in means (look around the world) and so full of gifts. I have a perfectly lovely home, marriage and friendship. The children are a gift from God. yet I have my battles to face the fatigue and irritability I have had are less than charming. I find myself grumpy and irritable far too often. Between hormones and allergy bum knee and memory loss I just get wherry. I just stop and see it is all too much. I chose to stay on this side of the line. So I will and I must.
I wonder what my life would have been like had a real childhood (if there is such a thing) been mine. Had my will,mind and potential been met. . For now I am a horse and little more than that.
I must find joy in it for it is my blessed lot to find pleasure in my work.
I am so blessed truly provided for and the ease is evident. Even though I am foolish to compare

Having everything in the world can not replace the longing for a Mothers or Fathers unconditional Love. That is something I will never ever know. They are all dead now. dead.
except in this that Pappa God loves me. I know it is true look at my life. I see he loves me.
I just don't like being a horse every day.
Maybe I am grieving myself tonight. I am like an outsider. never really belonging.

Monday, December 10, 2007

The effects of PTSD on food .

Oh Man! this is one that is going to pull it up from my toes! I can just see it now.
The Risk well...

I hope that I can speak of these things now for in so doing we take away the power by exposing it to the light.
I recently had a blogger ask me to address issues of how my history has effect on food and or hording. Eating disorders are a common part of recovery from so many issues in life. She asked a few questions and I told her my experience. It was very helpful to her in helping her to address some needs her adopted child suffered with and she was left perplexed to understand. She later reported that she is responding differently and the child is feeling much better about herself.


This is tough. Here goes...
Memory is a living force. It can root within us in so many ways. Our 5 senses are core to this process of stored experience and living associations. Events them selves can be blocked yet certain sights, smells sounds and taste even touch can stir those things our mind tries to protect us from recalling. It is only when we are safe that memory can be heard of its own event. Even then it is through the senses that often the story has recall to tell of what has been known in such a way as to be slightly disconnected as to have a distance from the pain.
The night my friend called in the stillness of an answer to her questions I spoke of three things in detail. I will speak of two of them.
One having to do with black licorice.
Risk of deep pains here.
When I was 6 years old my mother remarried after most of my earliest childhood days were filled with the suffering of being used in childhood porn at the hand of a so called uncle (no blood relations) who lived with his wife in our basement.

When they married He had been a Merchant Marine for many years and was retiring. He was older. He adopted me, my sister and my brother. The brother older then that was given a choice or better said my mother was given a choice and my elder brother had to leave. My elder brother was who took care of me all those years when my mother kept the cafe.
So the man who came in took the place of the only so called dad figure I ever knew with force and violence.
The food thing comes in here. The only time this man was nice to me was when he shared his old fashioned black licorice with me.
It was kept up on the refer in a small brown paper bag. It was like a stick not soft like modern licorice. It was his! Only His! He once was kind and gave me some what my blogging pal did not know was that when I shared the memory of the licorice with her I remembered something else at that very moment. There was a price to pay for that black licorice. Many things mad a lot more sense about those times and the kidney damage and surgery.
I have found that memory often hides in food. Food was a vital part of my deprivation. Although mom had the cafe it was the cafe that kept us alive. It was the left overs and scraps often in very earlier childhood that we depended on for food. Still to this day to waste food just really is hard and I get very hard on myself when ever I do so.
Black licorice...
When I first began my recovery I was at a retreat.. . I found myself hiding in a closet trying to figure out why I was just stuffing my face with black licorice. Gorging! I could not stop. I hated myself for the price. But all I knew was that was when he was "NICE" to me. I lived my life with a target on my head. He took advantage. I died out in the garage. I remembered that night talking to my blog friend that I gorged on the licorice trying somewhere deep within my sub conscience to understand why?????? Why would he hurt me why did every kindness offered me turn into such a horrid price and I just hated myself for liking licorice. I was 6 years old. Just like my sweet son is now 6 years old.
So foods can hold many keys to our lives.
Candy was an affiliation I had with my Mother. She gorged on it and had it hidden all over the house. It was the thing she used to feel. All her wounds had left her incapable of feeling. She just swallowed then down. If she felt close to me it was when she shared her candy.
I too suffer with this. Having had the example of it ingrained into me. It is where I take out my anger at myself, and how I hold in the pains I feel. I control my emote with it. It is horrible and I try so hard to flee it. It is the rut if ever I relax my defenses. It is a vacuum.

Fear or the fear of loss...
Affiliation and a sense of security. I hoard too. Only I have a nice pantry. It is a thing like those who went through the great depression know too well. We are equipped . My Mother survived the "Great Depression" and just barely too. Security is what is attained (false as it may be, and it is) it gives a calm to the unquiet restless dread that once was very realistic. Now it is only a survival mechanism.
I struggle to let go of things. I have a huge inventory of beads and fabrics too. I think that it just feels good. If I might want to sew well I do not have to go to the store.
YES I do trust God as a matter of choice. Trust however was long earned by him. At one time I was incapable of trusting anyone or anything except to hurt me. So I just resigned myself to being hurt. That was then not now!

O.K. thats enough Risk for now...

I hope that some one may be helped knowing that there is a way to have security, a sense of self, affiliation (with people) and a mission and competency. These are the 5 vital components to a healthy esteem. I'll teach on that another day.

The other things are just a counterfeit for the real thing. Thats all. It is now wonder. It all makes perfect reason as to the WHY of it all.

Friday, November 30, 2007

A challenge to post

It is a great challenge to visit here at my blog I find a wave of intensity that can be overwhelming and very draining. I want to offer up the things that might help save another in the agony of recovery but to do so costs me. I often become fatigued to do so. It is amazing the force of energy that goes through me when I visit here. Today I walked after the last post and I realize the power that is being unleashed to my good behalf, even if it is a bit uncomfortable to do so.

I have a friend a fellow blogger who is taking great courage to un mask "the face of trauma" in her own adopted child. She has even requested of me to share some of the things that she has found so profoundly helpful in her own journey to help her child. I have spent hours on the phone with her. It is a privileged to do so. However this has a price of exhaustion (That I am willing to invest in her and her child). In the exhaustion though I am continually healed and recharged with the awareness of how essential it is for me to come here and visit your hearts with knowledge that just may be used in part to set you free. I can not withhold that and will count the cost, measured so that I am able to function and process well those wounds I might have to open up to expose the lessons that I have learned.

I would really appreciate the prayers of the righteous on my behalf. For this is a high calling. I am a woman just like many of you I am made of clay and can easily be cracked. I know that God is handling me gently. I must take the courage to flight. I am a tenacious vivacious White Raven!
I will need the high places to rest after flight when I do open to this calling. I know we each have our destiny and purpose, most of us have many charges and duties. It is here that one is required of me that takes a great courage and sacrifice. I will do all that HE asks of me in this.
Those of you who may be agnostic please forebear with me for I am not.


I need to speak about trust. I feel my trust shaken and I need to talk about it. I knew that this man was not trust worthy and yet I minimized my radar. I let others convince me that I was over reacting. I will not allow this any more!

Trust is earned! Trust in NOT, something others convince us to do.

As a survivor we often trust without question because that is how survivors are kept victims.
Be victims NO MORE!

You see we are not given boundaries. As a matter of fact we are taught to be blind to boundaries that is how we are taken advantage of.
Boundaries are and essential part of recovery and of living verses survival.
Alright now. I see that I have a lot of work ahead of me here. To do this blog and teach you the lessons I have so painfully and with such efforts gained.

" you have to rust somebody..." was the quote that rings true in my ear. That is the memory of the event a aforementioned in the previous post. I remember the embezzler saying that"if we did not trust him don't use him". I did not trust him. Beloved made the above quote.
" you have to rust somebody..." NO YOU DON"T!

You do not ever "have to" trust someone.
Trust is earned! We have radar and we must use it. We (as survivors) have been taught to negate it (our radar). Wake it up. Not being paranoid but being wise! My sister says to me so often. "You just always seem so paranoid" or You are always so suspecting" YEP! I am.
For good reason!

The trickster is always at the door, awaiting a chance to get a hand in your pocket or worse. It is just a plain fact!
Being innocent as a Dove and WISE as the serpent you MUST understand this.
Every one of us is vulnerable to deception of our own hearts as well as others who are tempted to sacome to temptations.
Jesus said "Pray that you will not fall to temptations" thats the thing he said at the last supper. He did not say pray we wont be tempted... We will be. God gave every one free will. Choose this day Who you will serve. You can not serve two masters. Nor can others.
A brother is of the same Master... That is a choice. We must flee temptations that not only come against us personally but that come at us from others to harm us.
Wise as the serpent means open your eyes and be aware that it is happening and it is real and that your not making it up or being a bad person for keeping your eye out. Christians have been taught a blind eye. Doves we are good at being doves... But that passage has a second half.
WISE as the serpent so that we can keep an eye out in the grass for them. A dove makes a mighty tasty meal for a snake.

Doves are stupid!
I had a pair of dove that died in a cage with water right there! They did not think to look for it in any other bowl than what they were a accustom too.
They died with the life giving water right there! at the time this was so very painful for they were my pets. I felt guilty and so much remorse for not understanding that they were simply stupid. I should have known better for I was their care giver. After the fact I learned that it was common knowledge of birders that dove are very stupid. They need very special attentive care.

The text said be gentle as Dove, take after that attribute it did not say be a dove. It said be wise as a serpent Not to be one!
The Holy Spirit "as a Dove descended" gently. The Holy Spirit is not a dove, The Holy Spirit is our counselor to guide us and does so gently.

My Dear Sweet friend who just went through this. Please know that non of this energy is directed toward you. I am so sorry for what happened to you and You did not deserve it. I am angry at the tricksters.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

I need to process this...

A man in prison.
When your brother (your will know them by their fruits) in Christ is a criminal. ????

A phone call just over two years ago stopped an embezzler, a man who almost stole all of our retirement. God protected us in the 11 th hour, 59.9 th second, I made a call that turned friend against friend. Caused brothers and sister in Christ to rift. But I made the call and it was the right thing to do. This man was my brother in Christ (or so I thought), he supped at my table heard my story and targeted my family. We became aware that he had over 100 citations and each one of a child p. nature. God protected my children from him and me too. Once, I allowed he and his wife to tend my kids (for two hours) and he was NEVER alone with them. Thank you God never alone with them, she assures me of this.
He is now in prison for 20-30 years and only 1 of those years is for the embezzlement and crimes he did toward his own wife and daughter. He is now off the streets. As of a month or so ago.

Night before last. In the late hours of the night my husband and I were praying for a dear friend who recently fell victim to a different man again preying on the naive trusting Christians of another church that fell hook line and sinker. Lost many thousands of dollars. We grieve for our dear friend. I am so sorry this happened to you. We were praying for you, and we are very angry that it all happened to you. We suspect many others as well were targeted.
The next evening, out of the blue. I received a phone call from the wife of the man I turned in (It had been a very long time since we had spoken). She asked me if we could get together for a sewing lesson. She was with me all evening tonight. No coincidence. We wondered what ever happened and had no idea. That he was charged and convicted of the se- crimes.

We were spared, we were his last clients. His wife even had the paper work of ours secured after the police had hand cuffed him. When I had learned that he had a weapon I went to the wife even when others thought I was over reacting. This was a brother who headed up a PRAYER MINISTRY! He targeted us! He had an addiction to se-. Embezzled over 1 Million and spent it all on prostitutes and child p. He sat in my living room praying with me hearing me story! I feel like showering just telling you this YUK! I know that if we all got what we deserved it would not be pretty. But that does not excuse us from the consequences of our actions. Our sins will find us out. It is excruciating when the body of Christ has to hold another so terribly accountable. But we must do what is right NO MATTER the price. This may have saved him from destroying a child physically for that is the next step and only God may know if he did cross that very line.

I was used in that type of photography as a small child, I had the stained panties from the torture of grown men. I am glad he is in prison!! So He is my brother perhaps? Yet I will not let sin shine in silence. I will pray for him his spirit. but his body and mind crossed a line that it is the better consequence for him than to be so easily tempted out in society!

God protected us!
We did what was right!
We risked friendships!
We stood up for the views we had that were not popular or shared!
We had the privilege to help stop a predator! Even though we were not aware at the time the full extent of his crimes.
Yes he is (was) a brother...or was he? (you will know them by their fruit)
We saw a wonderful fellowship disband from shock and the wake of the mans devistation (and other things It shook our fellowship hard!).
How many times do we forgive??70 x 7 but that does not suggest that we turn a blind eye to crime.

Jesus last said to us to pray for one another that we would resist temptation. Each one of us has a choice to resist it or not. To fulfill the lust of the flesh or flee it.

He is in prison and he will now be stopped from the advancement of this deadly addiction. Stopped from the temptations that befall him. His victims will only get half of the funds returned by the company he represented they lost half of their retirement savings. Elderly people, his response "They can afford it". His wife lost almost everything except a friendship that we hold dear. She has had to start all over again. His daughter, who he stalked and secretly harassed, devastated. He played the Christian society like a bunch of pansy's. It time we not only be gentle as a dove but WISE AS THE SERPENT!

Pray that you too will resist temptation and pray for one another.
Be Wise, Do not fall for any one in the church getting into your financial matters. You hire a reputable firm. Even then like us you could get hit, but at least the folks got half of the funds returned. Listen to your instincts. I stated mine and that is why I think that God saved us. I was not comfortable and deferred to my husband and prayed over it a lot. God preserved us.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

The Joy of November

All the caskets are gone from the neighborhood lawn
The pumpkins a flush in the dumpsters
witches no longer surround me
Ghost and goblins gone
November is here
In the Morning

A sunrise is is gleaming
the month of gratitude.
Mums and pansy
Fruits of the field.
feather full turkey's a child's delight
It is morning.

mourning the loss of all that I knew
Mourning the loss of the many
The few
It is finished for me
November is here

Another year to enjoy
The dawn is bright
losses will be out of sight
out of sight is the mourning
silent the tears
gone with the years

For my joy has come in the morning.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Thankful Thursday

Good Morning!
Wow that was a differnet 31 st for me!
Once it came close and it was different I had power over the mind so well. I felt like I grew up a lot. It was like well "IT IS FINISHED" is what comes to my mind. When it was spoken with such finality, and power. Firm and done.
I kept my word and told on them and now I can move on! I did what I promised I would do. I risked the wrath of it and overcame through my faith and the truth. I did what my own Mother told me too. I told on the deeds done in darkness.
That truth is setting me free!
I have never had such an ease of event passing as yesterday.
I feel powerful and strong. Like I finished a job. I told and I learned and I arose from those ashes.
Today is a new and wonderful day full of duty and joy and charge.
I have the lunches made, and the day is still quiet here all is asleep. The dogs are fed and calm.
Wow! I am so stunned at this newness I feel . Wow!
What are you up to today? Do you have a plan or project for the day? I have so many choices to do. So many wonderful bunny trails to explore and accomplish.
I rejoice in that Love that holds you and lifts you up!
My children both just woke up (6:38) happy and refreshed and awake.
Enjoy your day!
The light does dispel the darkness.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Urgent call to pray for the Children. Please

I suppose I risk offending.
It is my heart is to say that I really care about all of you.
I really do not like devision and judgments based on religion. (the last post) This is what I came to on my 20th birthday. A kind woman who came to me, when I was in desperation asking God to show me why to live. She fed me as my body was hungry being with little food and faulty shelter. She laid an open Bible on my lap to this passage. I said O.K. God whatever you have for my life I am yours and I take it as truth, that YOU do love me.

My life turned around but not without a great battle and struggle to be free.
At this time of year my heart wants for all of you, SAFETY and REST.

So Please pardon me if I offend, but you matter more to me than what rejection I may face in sharing this text.

Safety in this present day and for ever throughout eternity be yours my dear readers. May God's peace and rest envelop your lives.

It is a few days now from when the ceremonies will begin. I weep inside with knowledge to great to understand on my own. So I ask all of you no matter your traditions of beliefs Please pray for the children in the sights of those who would worship another than the Living God. These children are in for a life stunting event and the people who perform such deeds are sentenced to an eternity that grieves me to think of happening to even my own greatest enemies. Please pray that they would turn from their deeds and repent. That God would even heal them. Sending legions of angels to battle over those lives in the cross fire.
I am weeping having known the price personally. I have in my recovery, many dear friends who could not bear the consequences of the harm done to them. Who's lives were lost to the devistation of the knowledge of what occurred to them. The lives now gone on before me, yet I live knowing the seriousness of this next few days. Please pray for me as the faces of memories are bolted behind the vail of love. This is such a hard time of the year for me. I feel so very lonely in this. I am so sad that the people are blind and ridicule me, and the truth as if it does not really happening. I know of a fact that it is still occurring. I am helping now a dear adoptive mother of a child who within the last 6 years had the same things done to her. This is real people. Please pray for her and this dear child trying to overcome the devastations of satanic ritualistic abuse. Covens are real.
I weep and pray and strain to stay in the quiet of the stillness, in the palm of HIS hand embraced as more than a survivor, an overcomer! I still stand in the cross hairs of the spiritual evil that would desire my silence.
The light can not be silenced, but when even fellow Christians attempt to dismiss me I count it as loss to the glory of the great Most High who has the power to even in this overcome within me to cause me to speak.
Please pray for the children who are being dedicated on those stone tables of hell. I know that like myself they will be given mercy in the midst. I know that God will give them a spiritual way of escape. But to have to learn how to live after a life of survival and existence is harder than most can do. I do not want even one to ever have to know what I have known.

What I believe according to my manuel.

In order that every one who believes in Him-who cleaves to Him, trust Him and relies on Him-may not perish, but have eternal life and [actually] live forever!
He who believes on Him-who clings to, trust in, relies on Him- is not judged (he who trusts in Him never comes up for judgment; for him there is no rejection, no condemnation; he incurs no damnation).But he who does not believe (not cleave to, rely on trust in Him) is judged already; (he has already been convicted; has already received his sentence) because he has not believed on and trusted in the name of the only begotten Son of God- He is condemned for refusing to let his trust rest in Christ's name.
The [basis of the] judgment (indictment, the test by which men are judged, the ground for the sentence) lies in this: that the Light is come into the world, and people have loved the darkness rather than and more than the Light, for their works (deed) were evil.
For every wrongdoer hates (loathes, detests) the light and will not come out into the light, but shrinks from it, lest his works - his deeds, his activities, his conduct- be exposed and reproved.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

I am growing everyday

I Posted on my other blog something I am going through this year trying to deal with this time of year.
For those of you who have experienced Ritualistic Abuse around this time of year perhaps this may take away some of the power over us.
Don't ever let your suffering be dismissed, but gain knowledge about your offenders. They will become less a threat and smaller in stature over you. Taking our power back. the gift of fear is wisdom. The begining of wisdom is understanding it will gain the knowledge that can free us from the crippling fear.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Out of the Woods

Timeless investments
A song bird sings
Hear me O woodland
Of wonder and beauty
I see your clean soil
Spoiled by the deeds evil
You are vast and hidden
Good and sweet
Perfumed with clean
Quiet screams echo
Silence now pleasure
It is safe to return to you now
Now that I am out of the woods

by The Poet Maker

Thursday, October 11, 2007

"You lift me up" award.

Deborah over at "Chocolate and Coffee"
Sent me this Kind Award
She Wrote:
Donetta at A Life Restored is also a new site I have recently become acquainted with. God is also using her to touch lives of women in an amazing way.

There are so many wonderful ladies in blog world that are truly doing an incredible job for Jesus Christ. Hats off to each of you today! Thank you for your obedience and commitment to the calling God has placed on your lives.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

"Blogging Best Friends Award"

Shawna over at "Scamps Place", If you only knew the encouragement I felt at seeing this thoughtful gift.

The award she gave me was the Blogging Friend Forever Award, which is "presented to awesome BLOG owners who keep their readers excited about their posts. Their blog posts are interesting (NOT spammy) and worth reading and keep their subscribers looking forward to each and every post."

She wrote:
I will be giving this award to a few other blogging friends who really give their hearts out during their posts:
Donetta at A Life Uncommom and A Life Restored. She shares the dark struggles God was able to bring her out of. She definitely has a life-changing story that God gave her the ability to be able to share.

Saturday, October 6, 2007

Trick or treating in 6th grade.

I have many experiences in my lifetime that haunt me. During this time of year one in particular comes as a haunting from time to time.
As most parents do mine trusted my sister 2 years elder than I to look after me and my girl friend. The older kids being in Jr. High were taken by temptations to follow the cute High School boys to a party I assume.
Children left to "have fun" are so often made vulnerable to the wicked who lie in wait for the naive.
Sixth graders are very naive. We two girls who had a crush on a very cute boy in our class went to knock on his door. That knock was a tap into the loss of our innocence. We interred a home where the parents had gone out on a night out leaving the kids unattended. So the boy in our class invited his buddy over and we unknowingly innocently trusting proceeded to test the waters of temptations and dares. We all played a very childish game of spin the bottle. We had sodas and without realizing the dangers found our selfs drugged. In a night of horror the elder siblings of the boys were upstairs with a group of older boys, guiding the 6th grade boys into our demise. Drugged each of us were then taken into separate rooms where one by one time after time we were repeatedly gang raped. We awoke outside in the yard of the house not really clear headed we somehow made it back to my girl friends house. Her parents thought we were spending the night at my house and visa versa. We awoke in her tree house. At sunrise I walked home. We never spoke a word to each other. We never looked into each others eye. My parents never understood why our friendship (she had been my best friend for years) had ended so suddenly.
I saw that girl once more, it was a year or so later. I had come home from school to find her at my house. We had moved and to see her standing there at my dining table I was taken into a stupor of shock. It was then that my Mother proceeded to tell my that my dog had died in the night. My Mom thought the support of my girl friend would help. You see after being drugged we were never really sure what had happened. It was surreal but never spoken of.
I tried to visit her 20 years back. Just after we married and we went to my old home town to visit my Mom. I knocked on her door and there was her Mother, In a spin my mind whirled to feel a danger in the midst of her presence. (many years later now, I believed I know where our parents my have known each other from). She was gone to another state.
Well I have often thought of this girl. and during my recovery dealing with the memory of the gang rape I thought of her.
During the spring of this year I had a message on my phone machine. It was her.
Her and her husband were welcomed instantly to come and visit. We had several calls in a few days time. Her husband had heard so much about me for so many years from her and she had been searching for me for so many years and had longed desperately to find me. During one call I mentioned that the childhood I had was so abusive.
She said"why didn't you tell me?", I told her that I was told that they would hurt her or any one else that I loved.
She never called again. She would not respond to any of my calls or messages. Her husbands cell phone received messages and no reply. This is the same woman who desperately tried to find me for over twenty years. Now gone without a word. abrupt and silent. I wonder if It were just that I was to be the catalyst for the begining of her recovery or what. She had just become a Christian they were just going to start to go to a neighborhood church.
Evil prevailed in the silence.
In sixth grade silence overcame us. Christ new in her heart allowed us to meet up again. In exposing evil, silence overtook us again. This time I am left with a palpable absence of her presence...
I always wondered what ever happened to her. Last I now know that she found Christ. It will have to be enough. She was so thrilled so happy to find me. When I told her of my loss of detailed memories of trips we took to Disney Land I lost some luster in her eye. When evil happens good is eradicated by the trauma. I cant help but feel I let her down. I am left saddened upon the memory of it.
Don't just let your kids go out and "have fun". Don't just depend on children to watch your children. Temptation is so great to lead into harms way. My elder Sister began to run away shortly after meeting up with the older group.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

My Salvation Story

I was the illegitimate, last child, of eight, born in 1961, into the generational curse of white supremacy and satanic worship. My Mother was sold a white slave in the back hills of Tennessee. My elder sister left at 18, I took over her role on the alter. It was the intimacy of torture that caused me to meet God's angels when I was a very young child. On the alter of Satan lay my body when Gods angels came and took my spirit to the forest places. I experienced such brutality as to be unspeakable. I have known the worst of humanity! It was there that I first knew also of love and safety. For God caused me to be free from the body that those who were workers of darkness were all but destroying. Abuse unparalleled was my existence with no human rescuer. Were it not for the forest angel and many other spiritual servants of God who kept me strangely dis-connected when it was necessary I would have gone mad. They were my friends. You see, I was as a child under the authority of those who in their own free will chose death. They choose to worship Satan practice his rituals and pursue the wicked gain . They were blinded by the perverse lie they had chosen to believed.
Yet I was chosen by Him to survive. Because I had known his name. And I called upon Him. I don’t know just how I knew his name when I was so little. But somehow someone, even perhaps He Himself introduced me.
Psalm 91:
I turned 20 in1981, with a bible in hand, in danger, and psalm 91 in my heart. Suicide was my morning mission if this failed me. I decided to have a yard sale, that day a woman named Leslie came and after sharing her concern for me feeding my body she gave me an avocado. She feed my starving body then, she fed my spirit. She lay an open bible upon my lap it was opened to the reference of John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave His only begotten son that whoever would believe upon him would not perish but have everlasting life.
Many events happened in that next two weeks of my life. The most significant was a literal battle over my soul. After several hours of war between the heavens, God said it is finished she is mine you can’t have her. I have a purpose for her she is mine. My body had raised men who were holding it down. It had flailed on stone and no bruise had been left. I am His!
The next several years had included most significantly a prayer that all I wanted was a home of my own and a man that loved God. I have now been with that devoted man for twenty five years. The first 10 years were spent in a recovery that baffled even the most of experienced of medical professionals. I have undergone vaginal, abdominal, rectal, nasal, dental and inner ear reconstruction’s. My mind has become whole with only some small effects left by several small shirring tears in the inner brain tissue. This in itself is very rare for those who have know such violence and darkness. Many medical professionals have given God the credit for the amazing results they have witnessed. a few have come to know him through the relationship with me.
After seven years of rest we decided to begin our family. A dream I could not hold onto hope for. My faith that "His will be done" gave me the vision to pursue an adoption I was very extensively examined and found to be totally recovered having proven all phases of restoration. We were honored by the judge with our certification to adopt any child. . Our certification to adopt was an acknowledgment of a job well done. Three years later we adopted our second child.
It took a tenacity that is a gift given to me to keep my promise that someday I would tell on them for what they were doing.. A promise that helped me survive and more than that, to overcome. In my last hospitalization I was given by God a song that helped me through some of the darkest of memories to be exposed.
"For we’ve been made more than conquers through the blood of Jesus Christ, So hold on were getting stronger every day. There is no need for you to run away. Brother’s and sister’s well now the time for prayer cause don’t you know the battles all been won. For Jesus said there would be tribulation and He said that I have overcome."
I kept my promise. When I was surviving those dark days I swore that “if I don’t let them make me like them, and if I don’t let them make me crazy, I will give myself a life some day I promised. Through Gods divine mercy and grace I am alive and that promise was kept. I am loved. I am His. He is mine. I have known His love and I am profoundly grateful that He chose me before the very foundations of time.
The experiences I have known were not Gods fault, as to blame Him. I was under the authority of those who did not know him. I had the privilege of knowing evil with intimacy yet seeing righteousness and Love prevail. This privilege has afforded me many gifts talents and insights. I have intimately known the profound depth of Gods love.
I am reassured each morning with the gentle kiss on my forehead as my dear husband tinder’s me. The times are few now that I fall into the memory of those days in my dreams. I awake each morning to God's very real presence, with a flush of joy as my Daughter and Son call for Their Mother. As I open my eyes I see a palace where the peace of Christ abides with utter abundance.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Couragous Bloger Award

I just found this sweet gift over at Living and Loving every minute of it. Thank you Corey
2. A Courageous Blogger award goes to Donetta over at A Life Uncommon and A Life Restored.

Donetta is a very courageous woman. Her bloggings of her journey through life is heart touching. Her fierce love of her family is inspiring. She strives to live the life she so deserves. I admire her very much. I am sure she also has one of these awards, but when I think of courage...I think of Donetta.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

No politacal bent just good poetry.

Maya Angelou's Inaugural Poem

A Rock, A River, A Tree
Hosts to species long since departed, Marked the mastodon.

The dinosaur, who left dry tokens
Of their sojourn here
On our planet floor,
Any broad alarm of their hastening doom Is lost in the gloom of dust and ages.

But today, the Rock cries out to us, clearly, forcefully, Come, you may stand upon my
Back and face your distant destiny,
But seek no haven in my shadow.

I will give you no more hiding place down here.

You, created only a little lower than The angels, have crouched too long in The bruising darkness,
Have lain too long
Face down in ignorance.

Your mouths spilling words
Armed for slaughter.

The Rock cries out today, you may stand on me, But do not hide your face.

Across the wall of the world,
A River sings a beautiful song,
Come rest here by my side.

Each of you a bordered country,
Delicate and strangely made proud,
Yet thrusting perpetually under siege.

Your armed struggles for profit
Have left collars of waste upon
My shore, currents of debris upon my breast.

Yet, today I call you to my riverside, If you will study war no more. Come,

Clad in peace and I will sing the songs The Creator gave to me when I and the Tree and the stone were one.

Before cynicism was a bloody sear across your Brow and when you yet knew you still Knew nothing.

The River sings and sings on.

There is a true yearning to respond to The singing River and the wise Rock.

So say the Asian, the Hispanic, the Jew The African and Native American, the Sioux, The Catholic, the Muslim, the French, the Greek The Irish, the Rabbi, the Priest, the Sheikh, The Gay, the Straight, the Preacher, The privileged, the homeless, the Teacher. They hear. They all hear
The speaking of the Tree.

Today, the first and last of every Tree Speaks to humankind. Come to me, here beside the River.

Plant yourself beside me, here beside the River.

Each of you, descendant of some passed On traveller, has been paid for.

You, who gave me my first name, you
Pawnee, Apache and Seneca, you
Cherokee Nation, who rested with me, then Forced on bloody feet, left me to the employment of Other seekers--desperate for gain,
Starving for gold.

You, the Turk, the Swede, the German, the Scot ... You the Ashanti, the Yoruba, the Kru, bought Sold, stolen, arriving on a nightmare Praying for a dream.

Here, root yourselves beside me.

I am the Tree planted by the River,
Which will not be moved.

I, the Rock, I the River, I the Tree I am yours--your Passages have been paid.

Lift up your faces, you have a piercing need For this bright morning dawning for you.

History, despite its wrenching pain, Cannot be unlived, and if faced
With courage, need not be lived again.

Lift up your eyes upon
The day breaking for you.

Give birth again
To the dream.

Women, children, men,
Take it into the palms of your hands.

Mold it into the shape of your most
Private need. Sculpt it into
The image of your most public self.
Lift up your hearts
Each new hour holds new chances
For new beginnings.

Do not be wedded forever
To fear, yoked eternally
To brutishness.

The horizon leans forward,
Offering you space to place new steps of change. Here, on the pulse of this fine day
You may have the courage
To look up and out upon me, the
Rock, the River, the Tree, your country.

No less to Midas than the mendicant.

No less to you now than the mastodon then.

Here on the pulse of this new day
You may have the grace to look up and out And into your sister's eyes, into
Your brother's face, your country
And say simply
Very simply
With hope
Good morning.


I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings

The free bird leaps
on the back of the win
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wings
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with fearful trill
of the things unknown
but longed for still
and is tune is heard
on the distant hill for the caged bird
sings of freedom

The free bird thinks of another breeze
an the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.

Maya Angelou

Wednesday, August 22, 2007


I am sorta run out today. so I don't have much to say. It has been a migraine day. I am looking forward to being back within me. This is long feeling like this is, so dull. I wish for the thrill of the day to return to me. I am just without any energy. Of course I did work hard yesterday.
I think of Anonymous and am concerned about her/his heart, if they are alright?
I love when I feel good, I love walking and not hurting. Or when The storm is off of my dome. It hurts and it makes me sad too feel it. I just want the remnants to stop sometimes. I am fighting self pity. I.. I want to win this one and the kids are out in 45 minutes I don't want to be like this for them.
This too shall pass :)

Sunday, August 19, 2007

I must reply to you Dear Anonymos

Anonymous said...

Your entire family should be taken out and shot. What a vial bunch of bastards they all must be. I pray to God that they haven't spawned future victims to replace you now that you are free. How could they stand idly by and let this abuse happen to you. May they all suffer horrible pain all of their days, may they never find the healing and freedom that you have come to know, for they could never wash your blood off their hands. I hope that when you ever see any of those siblings that you spit into their eyes as I would for you. May they be damned to Hell for eternity for all that you have suffered. I will pray for them to soon meet their maker in some horrible fashion. So that you may be free of them from the physical and spiritual sense. I am sorry for you that you had to grow up in such a family to be singled out by such vilianous people. Sister in God

August 19, 2007 2:11 PM

How Loving of you to have such a fight in your heart on my behalf.
I want to share with you my take on my journey. When at the hand of the evil I knew I made a vow. It went like this...If I don't let them make me crazy, If I don't let them make me like them...That I would give myself a life someday, I PROMISED.

Your response is a common rational response to evil. I must say that as the recollections were reveled and made known it was a pretty common response. I do yet still weep to hear it. My grief is that if I do not address this I error against you in sharing my story. You see Dear One, hate no mater how justified is a thief who takes away our very beauty. I have felt the things you have expressed and I despised what it did to my character. I became so angry so bitter and so resentful that God would even allow me to live through it that I yelled and cursed God. I not only had to suffer at the hands of those, but I also endured countless surgeries, sterility and pain that nearly took me from the presence of this earth via my own hand.

This is what came from all of that.

Ouch... this hurts to type and my heart is swelled inside of me.

I was under the will of another human doing, that person and or those people were devoid of their being. God does not interfere with free choice it is against his very nature(when I came out from under their authority I made my choice).They had given themselves over to evil that was generations old. They too at on time or another were under the hand of those who came before them. This is in no way to excuse them, in no way! God kept my spirit while I endured these things.

It would be my heart that my entire family be able to be whole. I was not completely singled out. Each member knew damage from such evil experiences. The addictions my siblings suffer are endless and relentless, but without healing they remain so as to save them the torment of the knowledge of the truth. It could cause insanity. I want for all of them the same restoration but few of them will ever know it, they too have all suffered and have managed through denial , for the most part, to stay alive and raise their own families (most of which have fallen apart). The evil has been subdued and the culture stopped here (in this generation yet I am sure it is continuing in the U.S.A.). All of those whose hand I suffered at, are dead. Everyone of them I was able to face, and confront; admitted to it and so I found much justice. Those that I did not face, who died before hand, tormented my mind. Until I grew out, of the hateful angry image of them, with a large rock around their neck at the bottom of the sea; and into the sorrow of how hard they fell from the place of Gods love for all of eternity
It grieves (to the point of physical illness) me to think of the torment due to them through out eternity.
I weep at this line because you see Dear Heart I WIN! This sorrow led me to the healing of how badly they betrayed me. I lose if I HATE (the soul of those) . They win if I hate( them)! I refuse to let them win! I hate what they did! that is different. It is in that sheer tenacity that I kept sane! Through Gods merciful loving kindness, that I kept sane through all the restoration and recovery that I fought so long and hard for. It was very hard friends fell to suicide around me. I was given the best medical help available and many are not. I had a man who loved and stood with me through it all. Few do.

I was not spawned. I heard that, however, all my youth that I came out from under a rock. I was hurt by that comment, however I understand from where you were coming with it. It was the evil that prevailed that was spawned and flourish. It is said that when good men do nothing evil will flourish. That is why I share my journey that good men and women might stand up to evil with good. The generations stopped here! I stopped them, this being my greatest achievement. Through telling and not keeping their secretes, my Mother my eldest Sister both came forth. The police in the canyon when I reported the murder said that another had come forth justs weeks before me and told the same thing! That is when I understood the power of the denial that kept the sanity for others. That denial I understand to be mercy.

What I would, you do for me, is to pray for their freedom. It is my heart that they too get to "know" Love, Gods love in this life and repentance too. I choose to forgive and to understand. It is written that it is for a lack of knowledge that we perish. It is my hope that they not perish but live. At the very least throughout eternity free like me. Darling, I recant damning them to hell, I recant the horrible curse, ( as if, that would make me any less like my true enemy). No be it never so. Please Pray for them that repentance, forgiveness and restoration be theirs. Sweetest One, I am free from them physically and spiritually if I keep myself unstained from this world and the ways of it. If not, darkness wins over me.

Thank you for your warm regards and regrets of my journey I am grateful for such compassion. They were villainous and choose the way of ignorance and all evils, but how can I be without guilt if I hate. I would be guilty, for if you hate another you are guilty of bloodshed.

I like who I am now. My hands are clean and my eye is clear. I have a wonderful life. I still suffer a lot of physical pain and will watch it take away much through my remaining years. They can not take away WHO I AM. I will not let them. Don't you let them either. Keep clear and clean. Let my story support Good.

The events do not define who I am,

In HIS loving Arms
Be embraced

Friday, August 3, 2007

Within without

dropped on the floor.

The tappet dogs
across the laminate

I lay my head upon a kitchen table
Touching the pain
How I am able?

A child's boo boo
to be consoled
Pain within me
to be placed on hold.

My child
"I love you Momma"...
"Your the best"...

The pain
I feel
to be untold.

Warmly, sincerely
I smile
and without.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Support Group starting up.

donna You deserve to be free from depression, anger, and
all of that's left behind after being sexually abused!
You are not alone in your STRUGGLE TO BE "NORMAL!"
A Day of Deliverance
DATE: Saturday's 2007
TIME: 12:00 Noon - 2:00 p.m
LOCATION: Mesa Public Library,
64 E First St. Mesa 85201
MORE: For questions
call 480-513-8247
A Day of Deliverance
10634 E. Enid Ave
Mesa, Arizona 85208

Hello all Today I had the privilege to support another Woman Warrior who has a heart to support others on the road to recovery. She has extended an invitation to those in the Mesa/Phoenix Arizona community to come. It is FREE, no cost, don't be alone in it; sorta group. It is somewhat small at this time and the women I met were a thoughtful considerate caring group.
I met Donna in a park where our kids attend elementary. Our boys were in the same class. She has a passion to help others where there is no help of insurance or income.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

MommaBlogga Writing Project Thank You Mother

In late 2000, The call came in from my Friend. Honor your Mother and Father in the Land of the Living that it might go well for you.
He implored me to forgive.
It is the Role of Mother and Father we are to Honor. Who the person is or what they may have or may not have done was to be irrelevant.

What a friend!

He hounded me that only when I saw this act completed would I have the Peace I so longed for. Every time I went to talk with Him, He would say . Pretend your visiting Jesus in Prison.
A low cost nursing home was a lot like a prison. Closed by isolation, age paining every inch of her body she was a soul in torment.
I had made a vow! Never would she ever touch my child. Never ever would I ever let her touch me again!
He told me that those vows were foolish and that they were bringing death into my life. It was time to let go and renounce those old vows. This wa a struggle and I won by choice not by feeling.
So I knowing full, well how very, much My Dear Friend had my best interest at heart obeyed Him. He said go , I have no choice but the choice to do what is right. That is a choice made long ago one that has served me well no matter how bumpy a road I have walked in it.

Sitting there in the waiting room, the nurse came in in a very defensive stance. So good to see a defender there for this imprisoned soul. I much preferred it to a guard that has no compassion. I breathed deep. I am simply here because it is the right thing to do, I told her.
In a wheel chair the prisoner approached, how it made my skin crawl to let her touch my hand. I pretended. I saw like thorns upon her head, a wreath of her true heart, one that was repentant and grieved of her effects upon my life. I still had to pretend. I thought of the sacrifices HE made. I saw Him only like a man unjustly accused. She was forced to obey the evil, and at times choose too, this prisoner my Mother. I still had to pretend. I left that day having poured a large expensive flask of oil upon her head. The price I paid for that oil is so extreme that it is no longer a debt it is paid in full.

I returned again with my husband and child I obeyed my Friend for it was at His insistence that I return to the incarcerated soul. I however kept my vow, she did not touch my Dove. I kept that one at bay defensively, a promise made to God. My husband stood beside me as I staggered away from the event and held me up as the whipping of the guards hit my back to guard against it hitting hers.
Two more visits and a puffer fish who kept me in check at the dining hall table. It would remind me that it was Jesus I was visiting here. Humor kept me , removed me and embraced me. Love overcame all the stench and wreckage of a life torn into shreds.
At Christmas I went back again with my family keeping my word, no touching my child. I'll go visit "HIM" again. Once more alone and when my child and her daddy left the room this prisoner said. "I had written it all Donetta ,I told of what the K.K.K. had done" "I told it and ,so and so, burned the manuscript." "I'm so sorry sweetheart You told the truth and no one believed you".
"TELL, DONETTA TELL ALL! Please tell all so that it will stop!" she said. This prisoner then dropped the veil that was Jesus and her face was then exposed to me. I saw her. It was safe to.

One more time in February I was told to go. I left here at once and arrived to a fog of a human, I told her of my son to come of an adoption in progress..."She then said..it wasn't my fault they killed him (speaking of my elder sisters twin) I heard the doctor say just keep her impregnated and then she will forget it... I NEVER FORGOT DONETTA, I didn't tell on them but I never forgot"
My child said I want away from here Mommy < I left.
When I was at rest my Friend said again," be ready she will die soon". I set arrangements so that childcare could be in an instant
Two days later the call came, Mom is in the Hospital she is dieing a sibling said to me.
I secured Dove and left to go to say good bye. Around her bed were yapping dogs and awaiting vultures. ( I may make some enemy's here but this is my truth) as I entered the nurses were fatigued of it. I placed my hand on her back and she later told me how grateful she was for my presence. It was my Friend who came with me, Invisibly Present Palpable He NEVER LEFT MY SIDE. When the gruesome tasks were to be done I secured a Social Security Number and walked away back to her. Bedside the nurse looked at me in amazement because every time I entered the room her rates came down and she would stabilize.
I was chosen to go in the ambulance with her to the Hospice. As we drove I hummed and sang hymns softly to her. The driver put the radio station on a Christian channel with the song of "How lovely on the Mountains are the feet of those..." we drove into the East toward the crystal clear mountain range.
She passed there at hospice.
It was three days later. My husband was with our child and he was in the process of the plant closing. He was not able to be there for me emotionally. My child was secure, some would touch her( my mothers) legs saying "see when its like that it means that she die soon, I held my tongue, biting it. I used the sponge and gave her water. It reminded me of Christ on the Cross.
In the next bed was an Elder gentleman with his passing bride. It was only us four in the room . I gave him my chair, and sat in a cold steel folding chair. "Momma", I said if you are with Him tell Him What you would like me to sing.
Out of my mouth came...
"She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes, She'll be riding six white horses when she comes's, Oh ! we'll all go out to greet her, Yes Well all go out to greet her,Yes we'll all go out to great her when she comes.
Thank you Mother when you were a prisoner you spoke the truth and set me free.
Thank you for turning to Him in the end.
Thank you that one day we'll all come out and meet.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Lovely Award Given by Shorty Bears Place

My precious friend Denise at Shorty bears Place has blessed me with a lovely award today. How supportive and loving you are.

Here are the rules:For those who answer blog comments, emails and make their visitors feel at home on their blog. For the people who take others people's feelings into consideration before speaking out, and who are kind and courteous. Also for all those bloggers who spend so much of their time helping other bloggers design, improve and fix there sites. This award is for those generous bloggers who think of others.

So, know it is my turn to pick out five bloggers that I feel are deserving of this award. My choices are:
Please see my other blog for lists and links
Thank you.

"These ladies always make me feel blessed by their kind comments they leave on my blog. Their own blogs make you feel at home, and you want to stay there awhile. I love you all." Denise wrote.
How thoughtful, How loving and kind.
Thank you sweet heart.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Break Through.

I must soy that I hope beyond hope that this can help another along the road. This must make a difference in another life.

In the very late 80's I was in counseling and was encouraged to attend a two day seminar. It was held in a Phoenix Hotel and we were to have room mates and share a double occupancy room.

This program was the brain child of several professionals who had a hope to help survivors. It did help me a great deal. I remember that they had half the group sit in a large circle and the other half stand. We had all written the words we remembered hearing as kids on a white board or on paper attached to our backs. Then each person on the standing circle would say things like,
"it wasn't your fault"
"you did not deserve to be hurt"
" You are loved"
"You deserve to be loved"

Well some 20 messages or so as the standing circle moved around me finally broke through the crust of "no one will ever make me cry again" and I absolutely fell apart sobbing and weeping inside., but not a tear was shed on the outside. Then the leader took glitter and sprinkled it over each of us and said" remember this always". It took me many years to learn to cry. Now I weep at kindness and love. Seldom though do I cry , and if your ever with me please dont hand me a tissue if you see me cry cause I need to let them out and if I have a tissue I'll use it to just push them back behind the door.

That night a drunkard pounded on my hotel door he was lost and could not get into his room. My room mate, (a stranger to me) well her and I called the desk and the police it scared me so bad. That night I found myself binging on black licorice, and I remembered! I remembered my step dad being nice to me when he gave me black licorice. He kept it up on the refrigerator and when he would come home from his merchant marine trips he would give me some, it was large old fashioned sticks thick and hard. He married my mom when I was six. It was my first good memories of my childhood. They moved to the brick house and the bastard did not live in our basement any more. However that couple followed us around everywhere we moved! My mother hassled me because I was not nice to Uncle so and so. I hated him and I hated her and I hated Uncle so and so s wife!
I since then long ago stopped hating it is a poison worse than the drugs they used on me.
I knew I had forgiven when I found myself grieving for them that they should have the promise of what they had done come upon them for all eternity. for "better it would be for them that a noose would be around their necks and cast into the sea than tho harm such as one of these little ones" The way they harmed me.
My mom was however a magnet for these kinds of people. It was because of her own jurney. One she did not get recovery for until she was well into her late 50's mid 60's. She lived near my eldest Sister and they small town where they lived had few supports. It was real hard for my sister and the town theripst could not deal with both of them.
My mother told me only weeks before her death to tell , tell all!

Sunday, July 22, 2007

When Did her Recovery Begin?

Photo taken in 1987, It was during this time the flash backs had become disabling. I would wake up in my closet not knowing how I got there. I would see things in front of my closed eyes that were just terrifying. It was just like it was happening all over again. I thought I was going insane.
Religious friends thought I had demons and an exorcism was performed at very hurtful costs. I wounded my heart terribly.
I was taking college self help classes and began to seek Therapy for marital counseling help for sexual dysfunction. I had no memory of my life from 16 back. Nothing good or bad. The abortion just erased my whole life.

This was written for a class when I was 30 in 1991


The day of her birth she fought for air. Each day since then she struggled through the dangerous torments. The wounding occurred with each diaper change. The light was her recourse and into it she fled. Recovering some sense of self, of what it was to be sane.

With the verbalized wounding came the empty sense of serenity found only in the deepest recesses of her spirit. She went way into the forestry of her mind to obtain the peace at the very moment it was being robbed.

By three she was trained into the sexualized source for every woman and mans insanity. By four she, a porn child, who would live the next 26 years in a family fantasy. For years she was well worn into believing that every need was rooted in something sexual. That it was a price that must be paid to acquire her necessities. At 20 she secured the right to leave. It took 9 years to find the keys. A year and a half regarded as recovery gave her memories and truth about her supposed insanity. Questions were answered and the blank history filled in.

Little baby bloomers bloodied and soiled. Childhood horrors were to be unfurled. It was when she was a baby that she began the road to recovery by regaining her repose through a make believe world.

This one has a great understanding for the virtues of life. For long lonely hours she struggled to gain some sense of what it was really supposed to be like.

She was thirty and counting all that was achieved. All that had occurred did not annihilate her brain. But this it did: it caused in her the quest for recovery.


Written 16 years ago. It is altered a little from the original text It just takes a little too much courage to post the full text. I feel my heart beat with a fear and sort of panic to share this. I do hope it will make a positive difference in the life of someone out there. If you are a survivor of such things. You can get help and have a life one day. I promises. I worked so hard beyond so many obstacle's. There will be those who try to convince you to keep the denial going. My eldest Sister helped save my life. When I was in the process of remembering and telling about what these men did to me. She coming forward and witnessing to me the exposure of what she knew about what happened to me kept me from just loosing all hope. She knew the truth and had the courage through the recovery she was undergoing. Within a few months my own Mother came forward to share with me what she knew. She confirmed so many details that I knew that I was sane. The powerful drugs these Bastards used had a devastating effect on my development and I was messed up by it. With a very high I.Q. it was VERY frustrating to be developmentally disabled. I rotted in the gym and the school library during Jr. and high school. I was robbed the education I could of had.

So I teach myself what I want to know. Before the kids I took Several college level classes but with the remnants of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder I do not do well in high stress environments too many triggers even this many years later. I just lock up and my mind will go blank. My language leaves me an d I get terribly embarrassed and I used to get very discouraged and depressed.

At one time I was so angry at God for letting me live. He and I wrestled that one out.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

God is so merciful!

November of 1985
My Niece and Nephew at play with me.

Today the most wonderful thing happened. The son my sister came home pregnant with months after the death of my own son, came to visit.

He is 27 years old now.
The same age my Nathaniel would have been, yes we gave him a name. It means "Gods gift" and I released that gift back to God in my healing and receiving of forgiveness from both God and Natt, many years ago)

I made him a triple decker sandwich just like when he was 6 years old, the same age as my Dash Hawk. I went to get a plate and grabbed a plastic like I do with all the kids and always have for some 20 something years. I had to laugh at myself I reached over and got a glass plate. I told Him of it and we laughed.
He is a man now and I am His Aunt and I am honored that he feels safe and at home here and always has. He is a glass plate now, grown independent seasoned with life's trial and walking honorably. I am proud of him and his Mother.

This photo was taken in our first home. It was 900 sq. ft. of peace and pleasure. Simple, real and dear. A safe place for all the children to come and rest from their parents :) harhar
( I made the bear lamp in the back ground it is long since sold to a girl who really wanted it. It had well over 200+ hours of detailed work it)

Hard Stuff... So why do I share it?

Not for sympathy....!

This is my motive... To pass on the experience strength and hope.
It is a responsibility of those who are privileged to share what they have been given.

Our insurance has covered hundreds of thousands of dollars and our own pockets have also padded those numbers. I have worked hard! I can now pass it on in hopes to ease the road for others.
God made a way, I am so fortunate, many however may not have those same resources.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Abortion ,1977, A nightmare story of childhood.

My mother worked hard, and did her best to raise us. She had never had parents to teach her how to raise children. I was never told that pre-marital sex was wrong. My unsuspecting mother trusted me greatly. At sixteen I was searching for love and acceptance. My mother was in the hospital with a breakdown when I discovered I was pregnant. I had no one to counsel me. I was alone. I went to a Planned Parenthood clinic to receive advice. They confirmed my pregnancy, yet offered me no encouragement or referrals. I was never told about any organization that offered help. They pointed me down the path to a Riverside, Ca. clinic. I was left to feel that abortion was my only alternative other than suicide. I hope that as you read this that you consider the desperate need that young women have. We need support. We do not need a easy way out! The long term effects of my trauma were devastating. My friends dropped me off at the clinic. I was alone. I waited in fear and humiliation. Then my name was called, I was led to a cubical, and a woman said "have you considered adoption?" I asked how could I? Knowing my mothers state of mind I was fearful. She checked the box. That was it, that was all she said. She told me to go into the next room and wait for an examination. Each room seemed to be deeper and deeper within the building. All I wanted to do was to die or to escape from there. Then my name was called. I went into an examination room. I had never even been to a GYN, and for the first time in total fear and humiliation I was internally and externally examined. This in itself was very painful due to my tense condition. I told the nurse not to leave. There I was with a male stranger with his fingers and hands on me and in me. I was terrified. I was sent back out to a room. It was a open room with a large sectional Sofa filled with women and girls. There were two adjoining rooms. While seated on the sofa a door opened and I could see into the operating room. It had another door on the far side, and the women went in one door and then out the other. The room was small. The table was in the center. There were RN's, doctor, and also the men who carried the unconscious women to the recovery room. They called the next name and the door was closed. Then while waiting there a lady came and told me I had RH neg. Blood, that it would be imperative that I receive an injection that if any future children might have a different blood type my body would fight them off. Future children, future children! My heart sank. All my life my desire was to be a wife and mother. Now my future children were in question. The door opened, my name again was called. How I had grown to hate the sound of that name. How I hated myself. I wanted it all to stop, everything happened so fast. The nurses and doctor were all behind masks. Only there eyes showed. They told me to lie down on the table. Feet in the stirrups, scoot down, scoot down. ''Oh God'' my heart screamed, I was so embarrassed. I was naked and bare before all these strangers, and they were numb to my feelings. Their soft voices spoke instructions to me. Breath deep, just relax. I was going under, and I wanted it to stop. I screamed "NO STOP" "STOP", but with the gas mask on, my mouth could not speak. Then I was under. I remember the prick of a knife inside me, it hurt. My arm ached from the drugs pumped into me. The vacuum gurgled and that was all, I had lost the fight, I was, then unconscious. As I came to, a gruff voice said "It was your choice, you wanted to do it"!. A nurse spoke, so mean and cold she sounded. I was numb. I was in the recovery room on one of the many couch like beds. Then I was given a shot in my fanny that seemed to keep Going, and everyone else was looking at me. They were all more awake than I was. The nurse spread my legs , and put a fresh pad on me. I just closed my eyes and pretended to disappear. After I slept a long time, the people who took me there came back for me. I was bleeding quite heavily, and we had to stop on the way home I was bleeding quite heavily, and we had to stop on the way home to buy more pads. They told my mom that I started my period and I did not feel well. I bled a lot that night. I was so very frightened, and I had no one to turn to for help. I was left in shock, for eight years. I was never able to grieve the loss of my child, and so I carried an imaginary suckling child on my hip for eight years. Shortly after I married I had to have major female surgery. I had a tumor on my ovary. I lost an ovary. I have been married for six years, and we are still longing for our first child. (this was written a long time ago) It has been two years now that I have been able to face this terrible ordeal. Please note the need for counsel. If my child was alive today it would be so great to know that its adoptive family was being blessed by his existence. But as it happened the life of my child was extinguished. I have asked Gods forgiveness, and without that I would not be able to bear the pain of my loss. Thank you for sharing my story. Please make available the instruction and assistance to the desperate women in this position. It is far to easy to kill the unborn. And the everlasting effects are not being presented. I know that many, many victims of abortion still live today. They are the women who will suffer the consequence of this radical act. If only I would have been told that pre-marital sex was wrong, I would have had the strength to stand against the peer pressure.

This was sent to a womans expo and read by a leading ob/gyn who gave his career to helping the women who were butchard by Plan Parenthood. I do mean gave, he lost everything. The pain was to great for him to hold. Between this and severe childhood sexual abuse I had to have seven major surgeries over 16 years to stop the endo. and reconstruct the damage, because it got into my abdominal wall. I had internal bleeding as my menstruation cycle occurred. I would wrench in agony on the bathroom floor month after month .It ended with a radical hysterectomy in 2002.

I later went on to adopt two children one in 1997 a daughter and a Son in 2002.
I am now 46 on hormones and meopause was overnight and hard with a 10 month old son and a 3 year old daughter.

To all of you who have known this terror I am sorry to touch such a tender place. There is a healing through God we can have forgiveness. We can learn how to forgive ourself. To all of you who have known a child in the womb.
This is , abortion, a death. Handle the hearts with tender care as your love can make a safe place for your fellow women to open up and get healing.


Songs of my heart