Walking Wounded

Sunday, July 22, 2007

When Did her Recovery Begin?

Photo taken in 1987, It was during this time the flash backs had become disabling. I would wake up in my closet not knowing how I got there. I would see things in front of my closed eyes that were just terrifying. It was just like it was happening all over again. I thought I was going insane.
Religious friends thought I had demons and an exorcism was performed at very hurtful costs. I wounded my heart terribly.
I was taking college self help classes and began to seek Therapy for marital counseling help for sexual dysfunction. I had no memory of my life from 16 back. Nothing good or bad. The abortion just erased my whole life.

This was written for a class when I was 30 in 1991


The day of her birth she fought for air. Each day since then she struggled through the dangerous torments. The wounding occurred with each diaper change. The light was her recourse and into it she fled. Recovering some sense of self, of what it was to be sane.

With the verbalized wounding came the empty sense of serenity found only in the deepest recesses of her spirit. She went way into the forestry of her mind to obtain the peace at the very moment it was being robbed.

By three she was trained into the sexualized source for every woman and mans insanity. By four she, a porn child, who would live the next 26 years in a family fantasy. For years she was well worn into believing that every need was rooted in something sexual. That it was a price that must be paid to acquire her necessities. At 20 she secured the right to leave. It took 9 years to find the keys. A year and a half regarded as recovery gave her memories and truth about her supposed insanity. Questions were answered and the blank history filled in.

Little baby bloomers bloodied and soiled. Childhood horrors were to be unfurled. It was when she was a baby that she began the road to recovery by regaining her repose through a make believe world.

This one has a great understanding for the virtues of life. For long lonely hours she struggled to gain some sense of what it was really supposed to be like.

She was thirty and counting all that was achieved. All that had occurred did not annihilate her brain. But this it did: it caused in her the quest for recovery.


Written 16 years ago. It is altered a little from the original text It just takes a little too much courage to post the full text. I feel my heart beat with a fear and sort of panic to share this. I do hope it will make a positive difference in the life of someone out there. If you are a survivor of such things. You can get help and have a life one day. I promises. I worked so hard beyond so many obstacle's. There will be those who try to convince you to keep the denial going. My eldest Sister helped save my life. When I was in the process of remembering and telling about what these men did to me. She coming forward and witnessing to me the exposure of what she knew about what happened to me kept me from just loosing all hope. She knew the truth and had the courage through the recovery she was undergoing. Within a few months my own Mother came forward to share with me what she knew. She confirmed so many details that I knew that I was sane. The powerful drugs these Bastards used had a devastating effect on my development and I was messed up by it. With a very high I.Q. it was VERY frustrating to be developmentally disabled. I rotted in the gym and the school library during Jr. and high school. I was robbed the education I could of had.

So I teach myself what I want to know. Before the kids I took Several college level classes but with the remnants of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder I do not do well in high stress environments too many triggers even this many years later. I just lock up and my mind will go blank. My language leaves me an d I get terribly embarrassed and I used to get very discouraged and depressed.

At one time I was so angry at God for letting me live. He and I wrestled that one out.


Denise said...

My dear, my heart truly griefs for you. God loves you so much, and He cares deeply for you. I also care, wrapping you in my prayers.

Corey~living and loving said...

Donetta, That was so terribly hard for me to read, but I pushed my way through. I know you do not want sympathy, and I'll try not to give it, but that is so horribly difficult. It is hard for me to face the horror you have endured. I have been so blessed with a safe life. I fiercely protect my daughter. I hate that I have to do that, but I will not turn a blind eye to the evil in this world.
Your writing is so powerful. You have touched my life.

Amrita said...

this is making me cry. Thank God Jesus saved you

Songs of my heart