Walking Wounded

Thursday, December 27, 2007

post Christmas blues

Well it is after midnight now. I feel alone and I hurt inside.
Don't know if I really want to even open up much.
I have a heart to support those around me. I am tired. It has been a long haul of preparations and such.
I see my daughters OCD type behaviors going wild. I need to get her into a Psychiatrists. I do not relish the thought. I really hate it!
My husband is tired and so he is less than affectionate regarding our very needy untrained dog (another responsibility that falls directly upon my back). With my nose rubbed in the carpet for wanting him in the first place. Hubs said yes with his mouth and no in his heart and this has been one challenging dog.
I have such a load on me every day. I carry it well like a horse. but my back is bowing. As is my mind.
I was faced with another long term memory absence over an iron.
At present time I had no idea what was in any of hte boxes that I had wrapped myself , even made them myself. I lost the gift I got for bother to give sister and can not find it. I even lost a gift for sister that I had purchased. I just do not know where I put it and can not find either one.
I had such a bad allergic reaction on Christmas day and just had to work the event inspite of it. This hors is rode hard.
I have a daughter going wako out of her mind this week from her needs... a husband who scared the peace of the morning out of me so bad that my fight/ flight had the adrenaline pounding Hard in my chest.
He owns the bad behavior. It due in large part because of a lack of sleep on his part.
My MILove my have hurt feeling, yet I was able to overcome and understand her behavior once it made more sense to me.

I dreamed for an instant of what it might be like to be on the receiving end of all that I pour out.
What it might be like to have a Mother who did what I do for my children, My mate does pour out to me but a man is different than a woman in this I think, what would it be like to have a mate who like a female poured out to me. I have never known that sort of thing My husband cleaned the children's rooms...it felt so good to not have to do it just that once. but then I had the thoughts of how my in laws may judge me for him doing it. I just could not do anything more and he was so embarrassed that he took it upon himself. I was so confused to think it was a gift of service to me. it may have been in some small part. It was very stressful for both of us. It is finished to a point. Yet I was so surprised to see what a different type of "cleaning" and male brained organizing was done. It was a moment taken back to see who the floor may have been cleared yet the detail undone. (and yet to be accomplished by ME)

I feel rode out. Like I am looking for pasture somewhere just to rest and live out being cared fo.
What a silly dream it ain't going to happen.
If my mind goes will I know my children?
Whenever I try to share these fears and very real concerns with friends or family it makes other uncomfortable and I get all but accused by some of brining it upon myself by a lack of faith.
I among all people have no "little" faith. of that I am sure!
Yet this is a real thing I deal with in silence. I was somewhat sad to hear I had no recall of the iron story...
I tried to remember last Christmas and have no recall...The memories of my children are slipping away and it is only in the photographs that recall gets stirred a bit.
So I go to bed a little melodically tonight.
I am full of gratitude yes...
But I do feel a loss...
I do see and other marathon ahead of me...
my back well...this hours feels her back bow.
What do they do for old horses...if they no longer have any value or work to give...
I have the choice to just saddle up and keep to tasks set before me. I have to choose going on...moving forward into the sunrise and sunset of each new day.
My sunrise is not what I had hoped for but it is mine to awaken too

I have such a charmed life, so rich in means (look around the world) and so full of gifts. I have a perfectly lovely home, marriage and friendship. The children are a gift from God. yet I have my battles to face the fatigue and irritability I have had are less than charming. I find myself grumpy and irritable far too often. Between hormones and allergy bum knee and memory loss I just get wherry. I just stop and see it is all too much. I chose to stay on this side of the line. So I will and I must.
I wonder what my life would have been like had a real childhood (if there is such a thing) been mine. Had my will,mind and potential been met. . For now I am a horse and little more than that.
I must find joy in it for it is my blessed lot to find pleasure in my work.
I am so blessed truly provided for and the ease is evident. Even though I am foolish to compare

Having everything in the world can not replace the longing for a Mothers or Fathers unconditional Love. That is something I will never ever know. They are all dead now. dead.
except in this that Pappa God loves me. I know it is true look at my life. I see he loves me.
I just don't like being a horse every day.
Maybe I am grieving myself tonight. I am like an outsider. never really belonging.


Bren said...

I have no words. When I get them I will be back. Right now I need to just cry and pray. You are loved.

Denise said...

I love you with all of my heart, you are a treasure to me sis. You do belong, God made you for a reason. He is so proud of the woman you are. It hurts my heart that you are feeling so low. Please know that I am here loving you, and praying for you.

Bob said...

It looks to me like you have a sister who truly loves and appreciates you! I am glad you are writing about how you feel. There are psychiatrists who specialize in helping victims of sexual abuse. Would your insurance cover that?

I want to thank you for coming by to wish me well last week. I am doing very well.

I am praying for you. Happy New Year!

Donetta said...

Guys I just had to vent.
I was too tired, angry over memory loss problems, and lonely for those who have passed on.
If I vent and grieve it does not mean I need a psyc.

Bob It just means I ran out of myself.
I have spent many a year with the support of a psychiatrist , meds and intervention. Not ashamed to go to one. I just needed to vent.
I needed to just let it out. I have been patient and thoughtful and forbearing and kind to a breaking point and I just hit that wall after a very frustrating day.

Songs of my heart