Walking Wounded

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Life with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (P.T.S.D.)

Life with Post traumatic Stress Disorder PTSD

We know about this response to trauma because of our war veterans, but there are other kinds of veterans as well. We who survive, whether we overcome or not have a condition often that can really hinder us. Although we can see great progress in a life time it is still a "knee jerk" reaction that often can leave us "different".

Case in point

Beloved and I like to watch a show called "The Office" it is a sit com sorta true to life and very funny. It is also at times very poignant. We come together in his office after story time and just share an astonished glimpse into the mind of some very insightful writers and some very talented actors and actresses. It has always been a safe show with a few boarder line sometimes just over the line moments. Until the night before last. "The Beach episode"

The office team had a beach party with fire walking to try to make a point by the goofy lead character. The character Dwight decided to do the fire walk and try to acquire the bosses job, (the boss was to be promoted). In the scean Dwight stood in the coals and I just locked up. I managed to pull the blanket over my head in hopes that beloved would stop the show. Well Hubby was engrossed and did not see me. I could not make my voice work and I began to rock and was trying to sit it out then they began to scream and I just bolted out of the room seeing Dwight laying in the coals as I ran out of the room. Beloved was crushed that he did not see it. He knows what happened with Carolyn and the murder. It did not happen to him though so he is not effected in the same way I am. He is however very understanding.
We have within us a flight /fight mechanism. In a person with P.T.S.D. we sometimes loose that ability to govern that at will. I really hate it when my voice wont work. I cant speak and I can become unable to move. I become "The Stone One" that is what I always called myself. I just turn to stone. That night I ran, I RAN! that is so big (I have ran before), but there was a day when I just could not move!
I was able to stay present in the moment. Years back that trigger would of taken me right back to the murder scene. I had to go get in my bed and was not able to converse however for the rest of the night. Sorta "dear in the headlight" and very nauseous. I can't speak of my friend here. It was one of the last things I had to address in my recovery. I did contact the police in that town years after the fact. God is so merciful. Another witness my age had called and reported the same event that took place during the same time period in history. I wonder if it was the girlfriend who had made contact with me some months back. I'll maybe never know for she promptly stopped contact when I spoke of being abused she asked me why I did not do or say something and I told her how I was told they would hurt her. Whoever it was really took a great deal of courage. You see when evil is in the upper eshilons of a community it is a very powerful force. History untold will repeat itself.
Well I spent the day yesterday sorta locked up. I sat here and then tended to my son the rest of the day It took me several hours to let my shoulders down. Stress disorders are insidious! They effect every part of your life. The idea of trying to sell on ebay or etsy becomes bigger than life and the annoyance of it is frustrating to say the least.
P.T.S.D. is a very difficult thing to live with. You can gain more authority over it through kindness. Being kind to yourself and remembering that it is ""NO WONDER"" when you have an event really helps to reduce the stress. The hormones and chemicals produced through the adrenaline rush is exhaustive. Be kind to yourself.
I need to be very kind to myself.
My friend died by torture through fire a the hand of that bastard. She was a runaway who was trying to protect me, that night it was my turn on the stone table. She died trying to save me. I saw her murder...I try to do everything I can to stop seeing her murder.
Whenever someone burns on the TV or movie is is so hard for me. Hollywood likes to show those things and it is so hard to avoid it. So many things in life are horrid but I wish I could go through my life never seeing it again. I know that it will not be the case...but I wish those images would be invisible to me.

Those who have experienced torture or events too unspeakable need kindness.
You know what you should just be kind to everyone
for you never know who we are among you.
Be sensitive,
if you see me flinch
don't raise your hand at me...you know.

4 comments:

Bren said...

Donetta...you are brave, corageous, A SURVIVOR...you have succeeded in creating that new life you told yourself you would have. Carolyn would be proud of you. She is walking on streets of gold and singing praises. She is not suffering as you sometimes do. Walk through this day with the knowledge that God has equipped you for every thing that may come your way. Breathe. Breathe deep.

Denise said...

You are such a brave, precious source of great light to this world. I love you.

Corey~living and loving said...

so many hugs for you donetta. I can not imagine the things that run through your memories! oh my!

Bob said...

What Bren said.

Songs of my heart