This post was written and put on hold for the lesson was at that time yet incomplete and this was written on 11-28-2009from a perspective of partial understandinga new post to come
I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living,
So different now from what it seemed...
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed...
see post below this post for reference
It is in the ashes and the restoration that the realities of all that we had hoped that our lives might one day become the reality of what we are able to create our lives to be; when those dreams collide they must be assessed and wept over.
I dreamed that I would have a family around the tree at Christmas, the children gathered at the stove or table top.
I dreamed of the motherhood I so longed for. To do opposite of that which was done to me. I envisioned a home that was decorated just so or a marriage that was pictured in a surrealist view.
When compared are lives do seem surrealistic to what we made way out of yet...so may of the things we made vow that we would not do or would not become or allow.
We often marry repeating patterns are at best often the pendulum swing making every earnest effort to stop the cycle.
When we find that we have not met those dreams despite every effort and good intention we then must come to see that we have changed our lot as best as able.
Often though without knowledge folk perish.
Reality is that you take your road as far right as possible but without those milestones of youth and young adult hood, without the heritage limitations exist.
Attachment is a struggle. In every life marriages take two and both have hearts that are broken some shattered at best.
We marry children in essence in grown bodies trying to play adult with every good intention.
Choice then is what do we do when we have realized that the life we have now is so different from that image that we fixed our gaze on too to survive.
Dreams are often a star to set focus a gaze while the view before you is unbearable.
Recovering means acceptance.
Acceptance is one of the final steps of grief.
We shift our gaze then from a star a point of focus to endure to a wide angle lens and live.
I see my children now half grown.
Although I have done my God proud I grieve that I have not done my dream better.
He calls to me to see that I have a loss to grieve.
Wounds that I cause them when my words do not match the vision I saw in my heart of what I would say or how I would say it.
That "hell" that we live.
My very heart broken that I do not do those things I long to do and that I do those very things I do not want to do.
With everything we are pushing onto creating; all we long and desire to become.
God sets that force in motion and causes us to become.
It is in His time however that there is peace.
We must actually accept who we are.
Including the limitations that provoke a sort of "hell" within our hearts.
That vision not walking out; as we had so many hours in our youth fantasized over.
A torment that makes us pine and grieve over what we would hoped it could of been.
This is witnessed in those hearts turned hard against a spouse when the dream is hindered or an expectation unmet.
Against our selves when we do not fulfill expectations of who or how we might wish we could or would of been.
Longing to be able to handle any given situation.
My life lived idealized.
Now twenty seven years married and many opportunities to fight so hard against the hindrances those walls that made me kick and claw.
It was my effort to form an architectural design that was a fantasy of my youth.
My life is good yes.
There is though a "hell" within even me.
Where the life I lived... killed the chance for so many dreams.
Yet most of those dreams now are altered.
They were, have been and are revised into something strange and frustrating at times.
Reality is nothing like as it seems.
Idealized life is not reality.
When I say that I am trying to say I can not change what is.
It is the illusion the fantasy that must be cleared from the view.
The idealized notions that leave great mounds of expectations upon myself to fulfill them.
I am to be content in all things.
Then that being the master plan of true happiness how then can I remain discontent because the life I hold looks do differently then what I had hoped it might of become.
An example of this is as in any union there is give and take.
In my vertual reality within my own mind the goals that I spent a lifetime to achieve have little value to those who I thought might have been made happy by them.
I thought in my vision that creating and acquiring a home and an estate was the goal of a union of many years.
All that accomplished in your late forties dreams change and unless the idealized life you wished and fought all your life for is achieved one often can become embittered or as in my case left without a dream. This I suppose is much kinder than those horrid consequences of bitterness.
Even so the loss of that dream can take all wind from ones sail.
A fresh wind is to breath into what is, who we are.
Accepting my own limitations.
Letting go of idealizing life and grabbing hold of the reality of what life is.
In so doing those walls we kick become those walls that give us borders.
Perhaps to tear them down would leave a shipwreck.
This I have witnessed over and over.
We must not only accept who we are in reality but also our spouse and children.
This one is the hardest for us as parents.
What if the lessons we wished we had taught, or what if my husband did not allow them to burp at the table
Would the manners behoove them more than the family humor?
I let go.
I let go.
It is a grief when as parents those errors or ideals are witnessed as faulting concepts of good intentions.
This must be grieved and let go.
This must be grieved and let go.
If not then we must blame.
We will either blame our self or our spouse for example.
Blame however is a tool of division.
Accepting the loss and moving on removes that strife.
Strife is more harmful than a burp at the table.
It has been our efforts to address strife.
To flee from it and learn to be at peace with all men, especially our enemies
Sometimes I feel lost without the idealized life I thought I would be living at this phase of my life...
It is I think in not letting go of the idealized image and grabbing hold with acceptance of the reality of my life that I find myself lost without direction.
Reality accepted is flush and full of direction and adventure.