Walking Wounded

Monday, December 14, 2009

you can never risk letting anyone care for you or you will be betrayed

So can anyone relate to this?

The roots of such lies run deep and tear up the soil around them when you pull them out.

The very first memory I ever had when I started recovery was dealt with a bit today. It has a lot more work to go. It was the only thing I could remember of my life before 16 years of age. This memory began my recovery some 17+ years ago. Healing happens in layers when you live a youth like mine.

I trusted as a child. It was the first time. A father figure of sorts that my mother allowed to live in our basement with his wife. Now my siblings were at school most of the days, I was home while my mother worked at a Cafe. The wife of the couple worked with my mom I think at the cafe. So the two of them left early. The other kids all were sent off to school. At four years of age I was at home. Hiding in my closet praying that Uncle Bill would not find me.
Now Uncle Bill to a four year old was full of magic and it was in his pocket. Laughter would erupt as we played. He acted so kind and loving I was an innocent child then. All of the other kids only saw this side of Uncle Bill perhaps minus the magic in his pocket.
Left in his care during the day for I think he was on disability or some sort of thing. As a poor child of a single mother with many children this seemed to work out well for the family. Of course my mother felt real obligated to show exceeding gratitude to Uncle Bill and Aunt Helene.
Magic was a real fun time for me for no other father figure ever showed me such attention and delight. One day while in his care he became the son of hell he was hiding under the disguise of a friend.While tending to my bath time demanded I understood the magic. Terrified fighting kicking and backing away on the floor I failed at getting away from him. I was FOUR years old.
That was the very first memory I had in my adulthood. There was nothing good or bad from 16 years of age back until one day when I asked God to show me when I lost my virginity.

Oh the days when my mother would razz me over sleeping in their bed down in the basement.
What she did not know (or would not listen to me when I tried to defend myself) was I had no idea of how I got there early on in the pattern. The mystery was solved one night when I refused to fall asleep. I had just enough of being harassed over something I did not do. It was Bill who would carry me from my bed down those basement steps and put me in their bed. He would molest me while his wife Helene was laying there on the other side of me KNOWING what he was doing. As long as he left her alone she allowed it to happen. I would hide in my closet while the kids left for school. Hoping that he would not find me.

One day after I had fallen asleep in the closet I was lifted out of it by him. He and another son of hell was taking me into the basement. There were what seemed to me crazy  white umbrellas. The men made me drink a nasty drink. I was four years old! I was their star. I could hear them saying that she would not remember any of it. I made a vow that day to force myself to do so. I remembered saying it in my head over and over and over again while horrid things were being done to me under those bright lights. As that son of hell gave direction.

Oh to you sons of hell they remember oh so well.
God remembers too you sons of hell and that is a better place even than what awaits you.

Betrayal of trust is a wound that will heal with help. Message of the lie is not only are you of no value. You do not matter and you better never let your self matter to anyone ever again for betrayal awaits you.

You sons of hell you who destroy the ability of those you hunt with evil intent. You sons of hell.

I win! I remembered and I told on you. God knows. I will now no longer let you succeed in destroying my ability to matter.
I matter. I can take care and risk to matter to others too. You loose you bastards of all that is deviant, devoid of compassion.

Anger offers this gift
power
I take my power back!
I am a powerful woman. My God is so powerful in me that you will never win and I did remember and I did tell on you. That little girl grew up, no thanks to you sons of hell. You loose!

Better it would be for them that a noose would be around their neck and thrown into the deepest sea.

2 comments:

Being Me said...

You have amazing strength, by confronting it, you will heal, praying for your peace dear.
BM

Denise said...

You are so loved sis, holding you in my prayers.

Songs of my heart