My mom and dad let me lay on the sofa for days until I was almost dead LITERALLY. They would give me a drink and leave for work in the morning. It is a long painfully lonely story of neglect. Then they found me almost comatose and took me to the hospital in the dark of night when they had gotten home from closing the family business. They were afraid they would be in trouble with the law. I could hear them from the front seat talking.
not that i might die..."oh my God", she said "we could loose her!"
You see they were done being parents but I was still a child.
I was a nuisance to them.
The message that the darkness implanted deep into my soul.
To this day (well maybe yesterday) I have believed this.
I believed that lie that I was a bother and that I was not worth the bother.
That no one would ever take care of me. That I was not worth being taken care of,
I lived my whole life wishing that someone would just take care of me. It was a fantasy that left me medically abused even.
Then I just resigned that it would never happen.
It is for me to learn how to do that for me. Because I had no example I have to learn how and let go of fantasy it is for me to care for me.
When I was dieing in the hospital there was a nurse that touched my forehead and said
"You gotta fight honey, come on fight"
I wanted life to just let me go
When I get tired sometimes I just want life to let me go
Not suicide ; just giving up resigned like when I was a girl to just go into that numb place where the thirst and hunger did not hurt anymore.
I have fought like that nurse said all these years.
I do not want to fight anymore against that feeling, I want to remove it
replace it with the true caring I have to learn...to really take care of me for me
not just for everyone else.
This is what I am working on this week in the EMDR and setting up a memory that has only good to it.
Have a thought a place to think of when the remembering gets hard or life is a bit too stressful
Yesterday my Therapst asked if I have a mentor. Well all my days I just watched others and learned from those I admired or who seemed to have what I needed .
I felt shamed if I asked for insight from others like
"don't you know that!?"
"don't you know that!?"
So I stopped asking.
Yesterday a person came to mind and I asked her.
What does it look like to take care of yourself?
What is your morning like how do you start your day?
She lead me through her morning.
Get up turn water on to heat while you use the rest room, wash hands then wash face with the warm cloth. Brush hair and teeth then go to do the tasks.
Well I have always just gotten up out of bed and went into the kitchen and began fixing lunches and feeding the family. By the time everyone was out the door stressed and exhausted. I would then go to the rest room. Hair in a tangle feel ugly and a mess about myself.
I did not have an example of how it looked. I AM 48!
Just now asking and seeing without shame how to do it. It worked this morning so well. I have my children out the door hair combed and faces washed they fussed a bit but they are cared for and I have been a great mom they are always fed I just never knew that rutien. It is so embarrassing to admit. I must not be the only one out there who was not shown these things. I hope this helps someone else. It is alright to learn.
I am very skilled at homemaking, and at being a wife and mother. Just never learned how to take care of me. All these years wasted feeling shame about how fat I am or how bad my hair looked or such...never seeing that I simply (even so not so simple) did not know HOW to take care of me.