Walking Wounded

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Identifying the lies that were ingrained in youth

When I was 16 years old I became very ill. Days had passed no food, and then too many days without fluids.

My mom and dad let me lay on the sofa for days until I was almost dead LITERALLY. They would give me a drink and leave for work in the morning. It is a long painfully lonely story of neglect. Then they found me almost comatose and  took me to the hospital in the dark of night when they had gotten  home from closing the family business. They were afraid they would be in trouble with the law. I could hear them from the front seat talking.
not that i might die..."oh my God", she said "we could loose her!"

You see they were done being parents but I was still a child.

I was a nuisance to them. 
The message that the darkness implanted deep into my soul.
To this day (well maybe yesterday) I have believed this.

I believed that lie that I was a bother and that I was not worth the bother.
That no one would ever take care of me. That I was not worth being taken care of,
I lived my whole life wishing that someone would just take care of me. It was a fantasy that left me medically abused even.

Then I just resigned that it would never happen.
It is for me to learn how to do that for me. Because I had no example I have to learn how and let go of fantasy it is for me to care for me.

When I was dieing in the hospital there was a nurse that touched my forehead and said

"You gotta fight honey, come on fight"

I wanted life to just let me go
When I get tired sometimes I just want life to let me go
Not suicide ; just giving up resigned like when I was a girl to just go into that numb place where the thirst and hunger did not hurt anymore.
I have fought like that nurse said all these years.
I do not want to fight anymore against that feeling, I want to remove it
replace it with the true caring I have to learn...to really take care of me for me
not just for everyone else.

This is what I am working on this week in the EMDR and setting up a memory that has only good to it.

 Have a thought a place to think of when the remembering gets hard or life is a bit too stressful

Yesterday my Therapst asked if I have a mentor. Well all my days I just watched others and learned from those I admired or who seemed to have what I needed . 

I felt shamed if I asked for insight from others like 
"don't you know that!?" 
So I stopped asking.

Yesterday a person came to mind and I asked her.

What does it look like to take care of yourself?
What is your morning like how do you start your day?

She lead me through her morning.
Get up turn water on to heat while you use the rest room, wash hands then wash face with the warm cloth. Brush hair and teeth then go to do the tasks.

Well I have always just gotten up out of bed and went into the kitchen and began fixing lunches  and feeding the family. By the time everyone was out the door stressed and exhausted. I would then go to the rest room. Hair in a tangle feel ugly and a mess about myself.

I did not have an example of how it looked. I AM 48! 
Just now asking and seeing without shame how to do it. It worked this morning so well. I have my children out the door hair combed and faces washed they fussed a bit but they are cared for and I have been a great mom they are always fed I just never knew that rutien. It is so embarrassing to admit. I must not be the only one out there who was not shown these things.  I hope this helps someone else. It is alright to learn. 

I am very skilled at homemaking, and at being a wife and mother. Just never learned how to take care of me. All these years wasted feeling shame about how fat I am or how bad my hair looked or such...never seeing that I simply (even so not so simple) did not know HOW to take care of me.


Denise said...

Praying for you, and loving you very much.Glad you found that precious friend to reach out to. God loves you dear one.

Annette said...

Gosh Donetta, how I love you and admire how far you've come from battling all the uguliness you had to face growing up!! It's funny that you typed about your babes washing their face, I can remember as a child to single mother who worked 3 jobs, woke me up for school before going to work and breakfast sat on the table, cold, I had to take care of myself, and like you all I ever wanted was to have someone take care of me, but I swore to my self and promised God, even at a young age I was making promises to him, that I would NEVER treat my children or child the way my mom made me, and I didnt and still dont, now my Momma is my BEST friend and I cant imagine life without her, she asked me to forgive her, some time back and I'm glad I did, cause its made me that much of a better daughter, mother and friend!! I'm sorry your hurting and I wish I could grab that awful pain and just flush down the drain, but I can and will pray for you!! I love you....

BIG, BIG, B I G Hugs

Being Me said...

I think many true blue mothers are like that, we think of ourselves least of all.
From time to time I force myself to take time out to do something for me - any little thing like hair, nails, go to the bookstore (my favourite place) just so I can breathe for me for a little while.

Being at work does not do that for me. Just 'getting away' for a little while for me helps.Troubles are always be there.
I am sorry about your childhood and your 'parents', you have children and a life now that must have meaning for you, there is love around you(let that love give you rest from stress)
and I hope God's presence in your life will help bring you peace.

Faith Imagined said...

I am crying while I read this. Thank you for sharing such a transparent post. You show amazing strength! I am saying prayers for you.

Songs of my heart