Friendship

adding this to the T.T. was an after thought, it was just so right to do.


Greater love has no man or woman, boy or girl, than to lay down their life for an other.

This is a love that surpasses the ego.
It overcomes the pride.
It silences the greed.
It gives beyond measure.
It does not consider consequences brought on by doing what is right.
It counts that as loss to gain a greater good.

Such as it is with Christ Jesus.

Such as it was with Carolyn, in my childhood.
she herself only being a child in her mid teens.
This friendship is such, that age has no barrier except that when much has been gained (as in possessions or prestige) it is a great deal more difficult to offer.
That I think is why as adults we have a terribly difficult time "loving " others.
When we have not known love it is also a pretty difficult thing to offer.
Carolyn's sacrifice, quite literally, was an example to me at a very early age.

Yesterday my boy gave such a gift to two friends who were being picked on.
Today he is going without recess for doing so in a flawed manner.
Non the less this is a gift he offered.
He wanted so to avoid school today for the loss and the threat also of retaliation.

I can understand this.
Because of that I was able to offer him this council.
My eyes were clear to the fact that each one of us from a very early age had to try on new hats to see what one would socially best fit us.
Many of us had those hats put on us by others, cruel kids or adults.
At times forced on for survival.
We are not that person way deep into our souls but we often try hard to find a place of safety. Especially deep within our oun hearts.
This often can cause us to forget who we really are.
Our authintic self is lost to the servival.
The innate needs for acceptance and safety.

It is in great courage we must overcome those limitations upon us.

In remembering who I am I remember those who I have known.
I consider the influences that they have each had on me.
Each of you and all who I know and or come in contact with act as a mirror.

This morning I had my boy stand in front of a mirror.
I asked him who he sees.
I asked him what his name is.
I reminded him that he had no obligation to "place a hat" conform to the world around him.
I want to teach them to be true to who they are.

I once told my daughter that I understood that she may need to hide her innocence, but to never loose it or harden herself to it.
To keep it hidden if she must to survive, but never let anyone take it from her.

It was for me this hiding that kept me alive.
Each day as I raise these sweet children of mine I am reminded of those things within me who I am.
How it is in being who I am that I will be empowered to keep them free
(to the best of my ability ) to be true heart.

I saw how many of the true hearts that could not make it through the mire took their lives .
Yes I have lost both close friends and acquaintances by suicide.
These are the great losses in my life.
Those who had so little support in being true heart.
Whose hearts had been so wounded and torn at that they could not be true heart and live.
These who I had the great privilege of knowing then by their true heart.
Only I in many cases were allowed into the inner chamber of their authentic selves.
They lost the battle to the soul killing forces of this world, or better said of the darkness that has come to steal this world from us.

I want to talk more about my friends.
Two in particular, but as of yet it is just so tender.
I just had to say...
Being true heart takes all the courage and strength we can muster.
It takes such safety that I do not know if we can really be totally true heart here.
I do hope so.
It is my way of fighting for it.
It does take such great risk.
For each of us fear what would happen around us if we stopped playing or living under a hat of expectations whether from within or without.
God knows our true heart.
Remember who you are...
I have so injured my own children even in this.
It is all I desire to restore and support them in being true to their hearts.
This is who God created them to be.
This is the true wealth that is gifted them and us as an inheritance.
Keep your innocence ,even if you must hide it to be safe.
It is my heart for you that safety come for you that you find a life of living in our true heart the prize.
This is the ultimate recovery.
Taking back what is ours.
Never allowing anyone or anything to take it from us.

That threat of retaliation for standing up for what is right...
That threat for being true heart and all the power that that gives us to become a great threat...
Well letting that true heart be stolen is worse.
The threat of being given a retribution does not even give measure to losing your heart.
With all diligence KEEP YOU HEART!

all ye all ye out come FREE.

Another morning headache
This one I brought on to myself. Yesterday I bought donuts and gave the children a treat.
This particular child had two to many. So it is sometimes with me. That is how I have dealt with life a bit.
Through an eating disorder.
I wish that I knew all the migraines were that cut and dry. They are not.

An eating disorder is pretty common for we who have this journey. As is most addictions you could list. I got off a bit easier though than most. I do excuse this far too easy though. I know that God stands waiting to heal this too. I have been delivered from addictions of smoking pot many many a year ago.
I was going to the 12 step O.A. meeting for a while. I would forget to go though. I never really fit in right . Of course that is how I have felt most of my life and in most circumstances. Yet another common thread in a survivors life. I don't know it just sorta felt fatalistic. Like there is no end. I was doing pretty well on the road until two years ago when I went for help and the Phyc. said he needed me to go through an early dementia screening and I just shut up into the trunk again. Only taking scraps of food to ease the loneliness.

This has been a remarkable lonely life for me. Knowing God as a friend during my life is my solace. Those times though when I have refused his directions those were the worse. I supose even worse then when my body was not mine.

I was a frightened child turning away. I want him to calm my fears and I want to trust. I have spent so many years testing Him out making little risks to see that truly He is trustworthy. Man however...It is these humans around me who broke trust ....over and over again.
I think in all of this I may find a new phyc. One who is better schooled in PTSD. He did not pursue me. I knew he would not. Rarely does anyone really pursue anyone any more.

Sometimes when we run away it is to see if anyone will really come looking for us. Or is the worst really true? That they really dont want to be bothered to find me.

Do you really want to be bothered to really find those you love?
Do you long for their genuine self?
The person they are behind the wounds behind the vial.
It is exhausting to pursue folks especially if you don't say"alli alli out come free" once in a while . When you stop counting and they are well hidden,,,do you still keep looking? Do you just quit and go on to your next thing to do or do you call to them? ...all all out come your free...?

Many have called that to me and yet I was afraid to believe them that if I took myself out from hiding that I would be free from the pangs of a game lost to my searcher. When in actuality won to me for they never found me and it was I who had the power to reveal myself.
We reveal ourselves only to those who call out to us and surrender the catch, give us the acknowledgment and the prize of reward. That reward is we come out of hiding and there you are glad to see us, approving us of our skill to out wit...and the joy of our achievement by upon your face.

All All out come free...

You made it!
They could not find you.
even though your thrill was for them not to stop trying
The count is over...

all ye, all ye, out come FREE!

Carolyns Eyes

Her eyes come to me sometimes. That last view I had of her beautiful spirit. It was still comforting me. Still tender still kind. With everything that was happening to her. She looked through me and rested her soul in Gods hands. When she left it was then just the shell she is no more.
But the sacrilege the violation of all that is sacred all that is holy...it bore too much for me a child to take. I think my mind just snapped. It was like my eyes left this place with her. I could not keep present while they became jackals and tore at her remains.
Mother held my shoulders. It was like a was going to be ripped apart as I struggled to try to get to my dear friend. .. No one helped her; they all stood as robots and stared and wanted out of fear... the approval of the leader. They all sugared him with the adoration ...the measly pitiful demons at satans feet. Just like that.
Like gargoils on the roof tops to watch for what is evil they are just as afraid knowing the leader would require of them those deeds set to ashur their own safty through the apperance of loalty.

So it must of been with hitler...

Yet some were wicked to the core and finding pleasure and inticing the orgy of glutony and sin.
Sins so vial that even though I as a christain understand foregiveness am baffeled at how God could ever achieve it toward these heathen...sodom and gamora...how could he then be sad and vow to never do that to rid the earth of them.
That is the depdth of His Love for this world. Pretty mind blowing stuff.

...and lucifer the arch angle fell and took with him 1/3 of the heavonly hosts.
Wow what a bad choice they made. Try getting out of that mistake...I wonder if the angles repented if any of them might have recieved mercy...
just God is just.

A year later in the hospital I had commeted to calling the police and reporting those events in the canyon..........A woman had called shortly before me and told them of the same things occuring during the same period in time.

It was only then I knew I was sane and telling a actual event and details that were so terribly accuraite.

My friend who watched over the little children during the events of the stone table was murdered. She was trying to protect me. She knew it was me that they had set their plans on that night.

Carolyns eyes...
They were holy peaceful one the pain was gone before she flew away.

The truth about life today

I know that God loves me beyond anything I can understand. I was very angry and just blew off the crust yesterday. This megma runs deep

I had myself today. Happy and truely vibrant. I did not hold it all in. My hands are better for it too.

Today I got to go get the preperation work for my new tooth. A simply mold/impression made for the tooth to be created that will soon set upon the post of the implant.

The upper try was prepared, I was so excited and pure joy flowed in me. After a year or so my new tooth. this molar has been gone now almost a year I think?
Any way great conversations flowing and a real pleasure.

Then she did the "simply" (perhaps for any of you) placement of the moth piece with the gooy mixture to set the impression.
My body was gagging violently. It was horrible. some off the casting material ozzed against the back of my throat. It was so aweful. I had to do everything I could do to bring in every bit of force to stop from freeking out! My whole body went into fight flight and I had to convence it to calm. With everything I had in me all the pain of those events of youth came at me.
Even in Christ , this is what my life is like.


Most of you never could tell that about me because "I manage" my PTSD. I RUN into God when it is happening. I try not to cry for I am so sad that I was so brutalized that even all these years later...a simple dental impression with those bright lights in the face can take all of me to stay centered. It takes so much energy to be me.

I felt like crying when they removed it.
Then later the dentist came in and did the lower jaw and the implnat preperation work.
It was not as bad yet it was very difficulet.

This is how I am blessed.
I left joyfull because it is paid in full. They even reduced the charge $20. because he used a different thing on it. Or perhaps it was favor.
The dentist and I talked about living devt free.

My tooth...We saved up for it. It is PAID IN FULL>

So ya know. any of you who follow me forgive me for not letting you in on the whole story of what it is to live recovered yet effected by the sins of others.

It does not go away but God gives you the strength to go through it. Even that though takes a tole.
To whom much is given , much is required.
I really hate the body memories I live with. It is not because I am a faulting Christian either as some religion or pharasee type condemnation can push me away into a silence. I did not relize what an effect it has had on me. Even me after all these years.
I am no less mature , no less a sage because I suffer. I am however hiding the full truth of what he has taken me out of. But for this that there are those of you out there who are suffering in such incredable silence. I am not numb to your expierence. I have found tools to get through it.
I hope you can stand against the onslaught of "just forget the past and it will go away" ...hows that working for ya?
yes behold all things become new...
letting go of what lies behind pressing on toward the mark of my high calling in Christ...
I have just held them from you. I have denied my high calling...I have hidden it out of fear of ridicule from the religious sect. Danger from the beasts still among us. Who yes most of them were once like us but chose "BY THE ACT OF THEIR WILL TO CONTINUE IT"...

You know there are codes of conduct that make it all to easy for evil to flurish.
hear no evil , speak no evil, see no evil...

wise as the serpent! speeking against all that aflict the innocent, that means exposing it not hiding it cause it is to horrible to verbalize. That is an error that empowers evil to continue and flurish. Those who do evil know this. That is why the deed done are so grotesk so no one will ever tell. I was just that rebal who promised I would. That is who I am.
That is who I have shut up in a trunk so noone could hurt me anymore.
I want out, telling in therapy or just to one person (Mr U.) just does not heal it.

I remember when I was dealing with Carolins murder noone would hear it at the hospital. They had to set up an appointment with this one and only nurse who was willing to hear it. I was so lonely...she was understandably cloaked in a defence. that is why it is so held alone within me.
Please dont tell me to go to counseling or all of that. Been there done that if I am suposed to go back I will. If you say that to me it just is used by by the enemy of my mind to just shut me up.
That is unles I stand up to it.

I am so Glad you were born!

Happy Birthday
To you
My Love

You are an
Awesome man!

PTSD

Ptsd sucks!
parasites of my mind
Left a thoughtful comment on the other blog about restoration.
I went through a lot of recovery. I never really ever told people about the expirences in detail of what I went through.
In an attempt to perhaps challenge the ghosts of the past, those that are not in my waking thoughts but disturb me with in congruent actions perhaps I might open up a little.

these migraines are photo synthetic. The bright lights in my eyes bring them on. It is really annoying. It sets off a rage in my and a fit of frustration follows. Then I feel like crap about myself because I act like someone I am not (ie a sharp tongued mean person) spitting out self assertions that I matter!

I was reading this womans blog posts and thought what if she has a point here. I know all the religious stuff does not just make it go away. "the past is the past , forget about it". Wow that would be so cool if I could get along with that. I will not be a heal though.
I have riden this hours a lone for a long long time.
I skirt around the expierences telling generalities of wha tit was like or the legal terms for what they did to me.
Those who are clostest to me have never even heard the details of what it was like to have expierenced thow horrific events.
I have often been told that it is such an amazing story, how I have to tell it. In that I hear "tickel my ear with all the gory details so I can stand amazed at how wicked people can be.

Well I feel angry because these things happened to me and I shut my mouth. I hold it in. I hang on and in there trying my best to look at today with joy and delight, gratitude and expectation. My "damned" past is just that damned! My present and future are the things that are blessed. I hate my childhood and I am pissed that I know what I know and have seen what I have seen.

In the scriptures I read speek on these things that you have seen and heard and witnessed in Me.
In God!
Not inthe evil. so the evil is withheld. Hidden away away in those lonly hurt devistated places. Poetry and novel via fictional characters. To tell you first hand exactly what it was like would haunt you and give you the bad dreams that were a reality for me. So out of that concideration for those around me I hold the secreates of horror that noone should ever know.

Those bright lights of childhood
Get ready because I am really Pist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alright ( by the way reader I am not angry at you) I am just sick of these flippen migrains and if this might just be what it takes than fine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Man I am afraid my nails are short for this world. Maybe thats why they have been bit to nubs.

Those bright light.
They were set up to photgraph via vidio. Those old type reel to reels that clicked and clampered as they filmed. Those bastards who then drugged me those perverted set to be killed bastards!
Men! I a ofur year old! Men! they had not bussines with me.

God....Dear God almight what if you bastards a kin to them read this you dirty buggers!
how dare you touch us!Thjat would just suit your fancy for me to tickle your ears with my horror tail you bastardsz!

to delete or not to delete.....

You must know this is the pandoras box.

What they did to me.

The horror of being washed in a tub and hearing them say "she will never remember this' dirty bastard . I kept my word and I told on all of ya! dead now dead and gone and than you live still this day doing it over and over generation ofter generation!

breath.............

I awoke in a stupper. I had wet my underware.....with blood.

I stood at the sink afraid of what my mother would do if I caused her more laundry.
I wet the bed a lot and she was very frustrated with me. I learned to sleep in urine soaked linins as to avoid her anger. so I never told her about the blood. I tried to wash it out at the little sink. That little pedisel sink in the bathroom where he raped me for the first time at four years old.
where I tried to crawl away from hip backward like a russian dance. and he pinned me agains tthe wall on the floor.
that dirty bastard! his own wife would not even have him!!!!!!!

They lived in our basement. The best thing that "ever happened for my mom" a built in childcare. They just had to pay less rent for the bennefit of raping her dayghter. Dear old uncle bill (lack of caps are intentional!) . He was not even blood related! I hate it when people act like folk are relations when they are not. makes a kid feel obligated!

these people followed us all over the country. they moved to evey city my mom did. Built in VICTEMMM@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I had no memory of my childhood .
when I was 18 years old a call came in at my employment. I heard "your uncle bill died" , just thought you would like to know..."

They found me in the bathroom at the bank hitting my head hard against the bathroom walls.
I had no cognitive memory at 18 of why or who or what he had done to me .
That was not restored until i was 26.........I could not remember when I had lost my verjinty
I was praying and asking God about it. You see by then I was a believing in Christ Christian and people talked about that alot. .
That was the first flash back I had.

It was a living breathing flashback as if I was there in that bathroom trying to escape bill.

My husband had to help me through the memory helping me to keep my eys open. If I closed them I was 4 years old again like it was happening at that very moment.

a few years before that I had gone for prayer for I was tormented with anxiety and fear, panic attacts and episodes of awakeing in a closet not knowing how I got there.
These well meaning , IGNORANT pentacostal Christians said I had a demon in me. They did an exercist on me ..........yep..........from the fire to the frying pan.

I just went farther within.

Folks did not understand at all about PTSD back then . infact my early writtings were actually used in some of the early medical conventions on servivors recovery methods,

a great story....i just withdrew.

Bright lights. on me and cutting into me. they hurt.....they tore my flesh.....I bled. They quickend me to fight the drug they gave me and to tell to witness, to make them unsuccessful in "she wont remember". Sometimes I wish I couldnot remember. But I have always been the strong willed to do what is just kind of girl.

thats all I have to say ablut that.

Remnants

Remnants that remain
After the healing
amidst the pain
What do ya do with this?
Scars and damage to the brain
So what do you do with this?

So all encompassing
all knowing
timeless
Is the Great I AM
What do you do with this?
Trust to ease the strain
reach out when alone

What do I do with this?
Scared battle worn
cast before His
presence again.
Look up
see His help
be His
serve Him

So what will I do with this?
When others wonder why.
How, they wonder can God be in all of this.
Yet I find a refuge a place of serenity,
Knowing even in this he is holding me

A life restored
Remember all I have
seen and known.
All of the amazing good times
To recover all of those terribly bad
Yet in this is even sorrow.

Those who will tell me well
to trust Him
To rest in him.
Shaken I stand
It is all I can do
to stand

He has pulled me through worse than this.
He is infinity
Though I do not understand it
He IS
In all I have known HE IS
In all I have been shown HE IS

Yet sorrow try's to engulf me
I demand a stay
a stay of the execution of the devises of evil.
Those things that would haunt me with the reasons for the
Destruction faced now.

My body this temple was so defiled
Now reflects the devastation
torn white matter
raises up again to refresh me with
what I have been delivered from.
What I have yet to walk into...

What will I do with this?