Guys I just had to vent.
I was too tired, angry over memory loss problems, and lonely for those who have passed on.
If I vent and grieve it does not mean I need a psyc.
Bob It just means I ran out of myself.
I have spent many a year with the support of a psychiatrist , meds and intervention. Not ashamed to go to one. I just needed to vent.
I needed to just let it out. I have been patient and thoughtful and forbearing and kind to a breaking point and I just hit that wall after a very frustrating day.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Thursday, December 27, 2007
post Christmas blues
Well it is after midnight now. I feel alone and I hurt inside.
Don't know if I really want to even open up much.
I have a heart to support those around me. I am tired. It has been a long haul of preparations and such.
I see my daughters OCD type behaviors going wild. I need to get her into a Psychiatrists. I do not relish the thought. I really hate it!
My husband is tired and so he is less than affectionate regarding our very needy untrained dog (another responsibility that falls directly upon my back). With my nose rubbed in the carpet for wanting him in the first place. Hubs said yes with his mouth and no in his heart and this has been one challenging dog.
I have such a load on me every day. I carry it well like a horse. but my back is bowing. As is my mind.
I was faced with another long term memory absence over an iron.
At present time I had no idea what was in any of hte boxes that I had wrapped myself , even made them myself. I lost the gift I got for bother to give sister and can not find it. I even lost a gift for sister that I had purchased. I just do not know where I put it and can not find either one.
I had such a bad allergic reaction on Christmas day and just had to work the event inspite of it. This hors is rode hard.
I have a daughter going wako out of her mind this week from her needs... a husband who scared the peace of the morning out of me so bad that my fight/ flight had the adrenaline pounding Hard in my chest.
He owns the bad behavior. It due in large part because of a lack of sleep on his part.
My MILove my have hurt feeling, yet I was able to overcome and understand her behavior once it made more sense to me.
I dreamed for an instant of what it might be like to be on the receiving end of all that I pour out.
What it might be like to have a Mother who did what I do for my children, My mate does pour out to me but a man is different than a woman in this I think, what would it be like to have a mate who like a female poured out to me. I have never known that sort of thing My husband cleaned the children's rooms...it felt so good to not have to do it just that once. but then I had the thoughts of how my in laws may judge me for him doing it. I just could not do anything more and he was so embarrassed that he took it upon himself. I was so confused to think it was a gift of service to me. it may have been in some small part. It was very stressful for both of us. It is finished to a point. Yet I was so surprised to see what a different type of "cleaning" and male brained organizing was done. It was a moment taken back to see who the floor may have been cleared yet the detail undone. (and yet to be accomplished by ME)
I feel rode out. Like I am looking for pasture somewhere just to rest and live out being cared fo.
What a silly dream it ain't going to happen.
If my mind goes will I know my children?
Whenever I try to share these fears and very real concerns with friends or family it makes other uncomfortable and I get all but accused by some of brining it upon myself by a lack of faith.
I among all people have no "little" faith. of that I am sure!
Yet this is a real thing I deal with in silence. I was somewhat sad to hear I had no recall of the iron story...
I tried to remember last Christmas and have no recall...The memories of my children are slipping away and it is only in the photographs that recall gets stirred a bit.
So I go to bed a little melodically tonight.
I am full of gratitude yes...
But I do feel a loss...
I do see and other marathon ahead of me...
my back well...this hours feels her back bow.
What do they do for old horses...if they no longer have any value or work to give...
I have the choice to just saddle up and keep to tasks set before me. I have to choose going on...moving forward into the sunrise and sunset of each new day.
My sunrise is not what I had hoped for but it is mine to awaken too
I have such a charmed life, so rich in means (look around the world) and so full of gifts. I have a perfectly lovely home, marriage and friendship. The children are a gift from God. yet I have my battles to face the fatigue and irritability I have had are less than charming. I find myself grumpy and irritable far too often. Between hormones and allergy bum knee and memory loss I just get wherry. I just stop and see it is all too much. I chose to stay on this side of the line. So I will and I must.
I wonder what my life would have been like had a real childhood (if there is such a thing) been mine. Had my will,mind and potential been met. . For now I am a horse and little more than that.
I must find joy in it for it is my blessed lot to find pleasure in my work.
I am so blessed truly provided for and the ease is evident. Even though I am foolish to compare
Having everything in the world can not replace the longing for a Mothers or Fathers unconditional Love. That is something I will never ever know. They are all dead now. dead.
except in this that Pappa God loves me. I know it is true look at my life. I see he loves me.
I just don't like being a horse every day.
Maybe I am grieving myself tonight. I am like an outsider. never really belonging.
Don't know if I really want to even open up much.
I have a heart to support those around me. I am tired. It has been a long haul of preparations and such.
I see my daughters OCD type behaviors going wild. I need to get her into a Psychiatrists. I do not relish the thought. I really hate it!
My husband is tired and so he is less than affectionate regarding our very needy untrained dog (another responsibility that falls directly upon my back). With my nose rubbed in the carpet for wanting him in the first place. Hubs said yes with his mouth and no in his heart and this has been one challenging dog.
I have such a load on me every day. I carry it well like a horse. but my back is bowing. As is my mind.
I was faced with another long term memory absence over an iron.
At present time I had no idea what was in any of hte boxes that I had wrapped myself , even made them myself. I lost the gift I got for bother to give sister and can not find it. I even lost a gift for sister that I had purchased. I just do not know where I put it and can not find either one.
I had such a bad allergic reaction on Christmas day and just had to work the event inspite of it. This hors is rode hard.
I have a daughter going wako out of her mind this week from her needs... a husband who scared the peace of the morning out of me so bad that my fight/ flight had the adrenaline pounding Hard in my chest.
He owns the bad behavior. It due in large part because of a lack of sleep on his part.
My MILove my have hurt feeling, yet I was able to overcome and understand her behavior once it made more sense to me.
I dreamed for an instant of what it might be like to be on the receiving end of all that I pour out.
What it might be like to have a Mother who did what I do for my children, My mate does pour out to me but a man is different than a woman in this I think, what would it be like to have a mate who like a female poured out to me. I have never known that sort of thing My husband cleaned the children's rooms...it felt so good to not have to do it just that once. but then I had the thoughts of how my in laws may judge me for him doing it. I just could not do anything more and he was so embarrassed that he took it upon himself. I was so confused to think it was a gift of service to me. it may have been in some small part. It was very stressful for both of us. It is finished to a point. Yet I was so surprised to see what a different type of "cleaning" and male brained organizing was done. It was a moment taken back to see who the floor may have been cleared yet the detail undone. (and yet to be accomplished by ME)
I feel rode out. Like I am looking for pasture somewhere just to rest and live out being cared fo.
What a silly dream it ain't going to happen.
If my mind goes will I know my children?
Whenever I try to share these fears and very real concerns with friends or family it makes other uncomfortable and I get all but accused by some of brining it upon myself by a lack of faith.
I among all people have no "little" faith. of that I am sure!
Yet this is a real thing I deal with in silence. I was somewhat sad to hear I had no recall of the iron story...
I tried to remember last Christmas and have no recall...The memories of my children are slipping away and it is only in the photographs that recall gets stirred a bit.
So I go to bed a little melodically tonight.
I am full of gratitude yes...
But I do feel a loss...
I do see and other marathon ahead of me...
my back well...this hours feels her back bow.
What do they do for old horses...if they no longer have any value or work to give...
I have the choice to just saddle up and keep to tasks set before me. I have to choose going on...moving forward into the sunrise and sunset of each new day.
My sunrise is not what I had hoped for but it is mine to awaken too
I have such a charmed life, so rich in means (look around the world) and so full of gifts. I have a perfectly lovely home, marriage and friendship. The children are a gift from God. yet I have my battles to face the fatigue and irritability I have had are less than charming. I find myself grumpy and irritable far too often. Between hormones and allergy bum knee and memory loss I just get wherry. I just stop and see it is all too much. I chose to stay on this side of the line. So I will and I must.
I wonder what my life would have been like had a real childhood (if there is such a thing) been mine. Had my will,mind and potential been met. . For now I am a horse and little more than that.
I must find joy in it for it is my blessed lot to find pleasure in my work.
I am so blessed truly provided for and the ease is evident. Even though I am foolish to compare
Having everything in the world can not replace the longing for a Mothers or Fathers unconditional Love. That is something I will never ever know. They are all dead now. dead.
except in this that Pappa God loves me. I know it is true look at my life. I see he loves me.
I just don't like being a horse every day.
Maybe I am grieving myself tonight. I am like an outsider. never really belonging.
Monday, December 10, 2007
The effects of PTSD on food .
Oh Man! this is one that is going to pull it up from my toes! I can just see it now.
The Risk well...
Risk.
I hope that I can speak of these things now for in so doing we take away the power by exposing it to the light.
I recently had a blogger ask me to address issues of how my history has effect on food and or hording. Eating disorders are a common part of recovery from so many issues in life. She asked a few questions and I told her my experience. It was very helpful to her in helping her to address some needs her adopted child suffered with and she was left perplexed to understand. She later reported that she is responding differently and the child is feeling much better about herself.
I recently had a blogger ask me to address issues of how my history has effect on food and or hording. Eating disorders are a common part of recovery from so many issues in life. She asked a few questions and I told her my experience. It was very helpful to her in helping her to address some needs her adopted child suffered with and she was left perplexed to understand. She later reported that she is responding differently and the child is feeling much better about herself.
Risk
This is tough. Here goes...
This is tough. Here goes...
Memory is a living force. It can root within us in so many ways. Our 5 senses are core to this process of stored experience and living associations. Events them selves can be blocked yet certain sights, smells sounds and taste even touch can stir those things our mind tries to protect us from recalling. It is only when we are safe that memory can be heard of its own event. Even then it is through the senses that often the story has recall to tell of what has been known in such a way as to be slightly disconnected as to have a distance from the pain.
The night my friend called in the stillness of an answer to her questions I spoke of three things in detail. I will speak of two of them.
One having to do with black licorice.
The night my friend called in the stillness of an answer to her questions I spoke of three things in detail. I will speak of two of them.
One having to do with black licorice.
Risk
Risk of deep pains here.
Risk of deep pains here.
When I was 6 years old my mother remarried after most of my earliest childhood days were filled with the suffering of being used in childhood porn at the hand of a so called uncle (no blood relations) who lived with his wife in our basement.
When they married He had been a Merchant Marine for many years and was retiring. He was older. He adopted me, my sister and my brother. The brother older then that was given a choice or better said my mother was given a choice and my elder brother had to leave. My elder brother was who took care of me all those years when my mother kept the cafe.
So the man who came in took the place of the only so called dad figure I ever knew with force and violence.
The food thing comes in here. The only time this man was nice to me was when he shared his old fashioned black licorice with me.
It was kept up on the refer in a small brown paper bag. It was like a stick not soft like modern licorice. It was his! Only His! He once was kind and gave me some what my blogging pal did not know was that when I shared the memory of the licorice with her I remembered something else at that very moment. There was a price to pay for that black licorice. Many things mad a lot more sense about those times and the kidney damage and surgery.
I have found that memory often hides in food. Food was a vital part of my deprivation. Although mom had the cafe it was the cafe that kept us alive. It was the left overs and scraps often in very earlier childhood that we depended on for food. Still to this day to waste food just really is hard and I get very hard on myself when ever I do so.
Black licorice...
When I first began my recovery I was at a retreat.. . I found myself hiding in a closet trying to figure out why I was just stuffing my face with black licorice. Gorging! I could not stop. I hated myself for the price. But all I knew was that was when he was "NICE" to me. I lived my life with a target on my head. He took advantage. I died out in the garage. I remembered that night talking to my blog friend that I gorged on the licorice trying somewhere deep within my sub conscience to understand why?????? Why would he hurt me why did every kindness offered me turn into such a horrid price and I just hated myself for liking licorice. I was 6 years old. Just like my sweet son is now 6 years old.
So foods can hold many keys to our lives.
When they married He had been a Merchant Marine for many years and was retiring. He was older. He adopted me, my sister and my brother. The brother older then that was given a choice or better said my mother was given a choice and my elder brother had to leave. My elder brother was who took care of me all those years when my mother kept the cafe.
So the man who came in took the place of the only so called dad figure I ever knew with force and violence.
The food thing comes in here. The only time this man was nice to me was when he shared his old fashioned black licorice with me.
It was kept up on the refer in a small brown paper bag. It was like a stick not soft like modern licorice. It was his! Only His! He once was kind and gave me some what my blogging pal did not know was that when I shared the memory of the licorice with her I remembered something else at that very moment. There was a price to pay for that black licorice. Many things mad a lot more sense about those times and the kidney damage and surgery.
I have found that memory often hides in food. Food was a vital part of my deprivation. Although mom had the cafe it was the cafe that kept us alive. It was the left overs and scraps often in very earlier childhood that we depended on for food. Still to this day to waste food just really is hard and I get very hard on myself when ever I do so.
Black licorice...
When I first began my recovery I was at a retreat.. . I found myself hiding in a closet trying to figure out why I was just stuffing my face with black licorice. Gorging! I could not stop. I hated myself for the price. But all I knew was that was when he was "NICE" to me. I lived my life with a target on my head. He took advantage. I died out in the garage. I remembered that night talking to my blog friend that I gorged on the licorice trying somewhere deep within my sub conscience to understand why?????? Why would he hurt me why did every kindness offered me turn into such a horrid price and I just hated myself for liking licorice. I was 6 years old. Just like my sweet son is now 6 years old.
So foods can hold many keys to our lives.
Candy
Candy was an affiliation I had with my Mother. She gorged on it and had it hidden all over the house. It was the thing she used to feel. All her wounds had left her incapable of feeling. She just swallowed then down. If she felt close to me it was when she shared her candy.
I too suffer with this. Having had the example of it ingrained into me. It is where I take out my anger at myself, and how I hold in the pains I feel. I control my emote with it. It is horrible and I try so hard to flee it. It is the rut if ever I relax my defenses. It is a vacuum.
I too suffer with this. Having had the example of it ingrained into me. It is where I take out my anger at myself, and how I hold in the pains I feel. I control my emote with it. It is horrible and I try so hard to flee it. It is the rut if ever I relax my defenses. It is a vacuum.
Hording
Fear or the fear of loss...
Affiliation and a sense of security. I hoard too. Only I have a nice pantry. It is a thing like those who went through the great depression know too well. We are equipped . My Mother survived the "Great Depression" and just barely too. Security is what is attained (false as it may be, and it is) it gives a calm to the unquiet restless dread that once was very realistic. Now it is only a survival mechanism.
I struggle to let go of things. I have a huge inventory of beads and fabrics too. I think that it just feels good. If I might want to sew well I do not have to go to the store.
YES I do trust God as a matter of choice. Trust however was long earned by him. At one time I was incapable of trusting anyone or anything except to hurt me. So I just resigned myself to being hurt. That was then not now!
O.K. thats enough Risk for now...
I hope that some one may be helped knowing that there is a way to have security, a sense of self, affiliation (with people) and a mission and competency. These are the 5 vital components to a healthy esteem. I'll teach on that another day.
The other things are just a counterfeit for the real thing. Thats all. It is now wonder. It all makes perfect reason as to the WHY of it all.
Affiliation and a sense of security. I hoard too. Only I have a nice pantry. It is a thing like those who went through the great depression know too well. We are equipped . My Mother survived the "Great Depression" and just barely too. Security is what is attained (false as it may be, and it is) it gives a calm to the unquiet restless dread that once was very realistic. Now it is only a survival mechanism.
I struggle to let go of things. I have a huge inventory of beads and fabrics too. I think that it just feels good. If I might want to sew well I do not have to go to the store.
YES I do trust God as a matter of choice. Trust however was long earned by him. At one time I was incapable of trusting anyone or anything except to hurt me. So I just resigned myself to being hurt. That was then not now!
O.K. thats enough Risk for now...
I hope that some one may be helped knowing that there is a way to have security, a sense of self, affiliation (with people) and a mission and competency. These are the 5 vital components to a healthy esteem. I'll teach on that another day.
The other things are just a counterfeit for the real thing. Thats all. It is now wonder. It all makes perfect reason as to the WHY of it all.
Friday, November 30, 2007
A challenge to post
It is a great challenge to visit here at my blog I find a wave of intensity that can be overwhelming and very draining. I want to offer up the things that might help save another in the agony of recovery but to do so costs me. I often become fatigued to do so. It is amazing the force of energy that goes through me when I visit here. Today I walked after the last post and I realize the power that is being unleashed to my good behalf, even if it is a bit uncomfortable to do so.
I have a friend a fellow blogger who is taking great courage to un mask "the face of trauma" in her own adopted child. She has even requested of me to share some of the things that she has found so profoundly helpful in her own journey to help her child. I have spent hours on the phone with her. It is a privileged to do so. However this has a price of exhaustion (That I am willing to invest in her and her child). In the exhaustion though I am continually healed and recharged with the awareness of how essential it is for me to come here and visit your hearts with knowledge that just may be used in part to set you free. I can not withhold that and will count the cost, measured so that I am able to function and process well those wounds I might have to open up to expose the lessons that I have learned.
I would really appreciate the prayers of the righteous on my behalf. For this is a high calling. I am a woman just like many of you I am made of clay and can easily be cracked. I know that God is handling me gently. I must take the courage to flight. I am a tenacious vivacious White Raven!
I will need the high places to rest after flight when I do open to this calling. I know we each have our destiny and purpose, most of us have many charges and duties. It is here that one is required of me that takes a great courage and sacrifice. I will do all that HE asks of me in this.
Those of you who may be agnostic please forebear with me for I am not.
I have a friend a fellow blogger who is taking great courage to un mask "the face of trauma" in her own adopted child. She has even requested of me to share some of the things that she has found so profoundly helpful in her own journey to help her child. I have spent hours on the phone with her. It is a privileged to do so. However this has a price of exhaustion (That I am willing to invest in her and her child). In the exhaustion though I am continually healed and recharged with the awareness of how essential it is for me to come here and visit your hearts with knowledge that just may be used in part to set you free. I can not withhold that and will count the cost, measured so that I am able to function and process well those wounds I might have to open up to expose the lessons that I have learned.
I would really appreciate the prayers of the righteous on my behalf. For this is a high calling. I am a woman just like many of you I am made of clay and can easily be cracked. I know that God is handling me gently. I must take the courage to flight. I am a tenacious vivacious White Raven!
I will need the high places to rest after flight when I do open to this calling. I know we each have our destiny and purpose, most of us have many charges and duties. It is here that one is required of me that takes a great courage and sacrifice. I will do all that HE asks of me in this.
Those of you who may be agnostic please forebear with me for I am not.
Trust
I need to speak about trust. I feel my trust shaken and I need to talk about it. I knew that this man was not trust worthy and yet I minimized my radar. I let others convince me that I was over reacting. I will not allow this any more!
Trust is earned! Trust in NOT, something others convince us to do.
As a survivor we often trust without question because that is how survivors are kept victims.
Be victims NO MORE!
You see we are not given boundaries. As a matter of fact we are taught to be blind to boundaries that is how we are taken advantage of.
Boundaries are and essential part of recovery and of living verses survival.
Alright now. I see that I have a lot of work ahead of me here. To do this blog and teach you the lessons I have so painfully and with such efforts gained.
" you have to rust somebody..." was the quote that rings true in my ear. That is the memory of the event a aforementioned in the previous post. I remember the embezzler saying that"if we did not trust him don't use him". I did not trust him. Beloved made the above quote.
" you have to rust somebody..." NO YOU DON"T!
You do not ever "have to" trust someone.
Trust is earned! We have radar and we must use it. We (as survivors) have been taught to negate it (our radar). Wake it up. Not being paranoid but being wise! My sister says to me so often. "You just always seem so paranoid" or You are always so suspecting" YEP! I am.
For good reason!
The trickster is always at the door, awaiting a chance to get a hand in your pocket or worse. It is just a plain fact!
Being innocent as a Dove and WISE as the serpent you MUST understand this.
TRUST IS EARNED!
Every one of us is vulnerable to deception of our own hearts as well as others who are tempted to sacome to temptations.
Jesus said "Pray that you will not fall to temptations" thats the thing he said at the last supper. He did not say pray we wont be tempted... We will be. God gave every one free will. Choose this day Who you will serve. You can not serve two masters. Nor can others.
A brother is of the same Master... That is a choice. We must flee temptations that not only come against us personally but that come at us from others to harm us.
Wise as the serpent means open your eyes and be aware that it is happening and it is real and that your not making it up or being a bad person for keeping your eye out. Christians have been taught a blind eye. Doves we are good at being doves... But that passage has a second half.
WISE as the serpent so that we can keep an eye out in the grass for them. A dove makes a mighty tasty meal for a snake.
Doves are stupid!
I had a pair of dove that died in a cage with water right there! They did not think to look for it in any other bowl than what they were a accustom too.
They died with the life giving water right there! at the time this was so very painful for they were my pets. I felt guilty and so much remorse for not understanding that they were simply stupid. I should have known better for I was their care giver. After the fact I learned that it was common knowledge of birders that dove are very stupid. They need very special attentive care.
The text said be gentle as Dove, take after that attribute it did not say be a dove. It said be wise as a serpent Not to be one!
The Holy Spirit "as a Dove descended" gently. The Holy Spirit is not a dove, The Holy Spirit is our counselor to guide us and does so gently.
My Dear Sweet friend who just went through this. Please know that non of this energy is directed toward you. I am so sorry for what happened to you and You did not deserve it. I am angry at the tricksters.
Trust is earned! Trust in NOT, something others convince us to do.
As a survivor we often trust without question because that is how survivors are kept victims.
Be victims NO MORE!
You see we are not given boundaries. As a matter of fact we are taught to be blind to boundaries that is how we are taken advantage of.
Boundaries are and essential part of recovery and of living verses survival.
Alright now. I see that I have a lot of work ahead of me here. To do this blog and teach you the lessons I have so painfully and with such efforts gained.
" you have to rust somebody..." was the quote that rings true in my ear. That is the memory of the event a aforementioned in the previous post. I remember the embezzler saying that"if we did not trust him don't use him". I did not trust him. Beloved made the above quote.
" you have to rust somebody..." NO YOU DON"T!
You do not ever "have to" trust someone.
Trust is earned! We have radar and we must use it. We (as survivors) have been taught to negate it (our radar). Wake it up. Not being paranoid but being wise! My sister says to me so often. "You just always seem so paranoid" or You are always so suspecting" YEP! I am.
For good reason!
The trickster is always at the door, awaiting a chance to get a hand in your pocket or worse. It is just a plain fact!
Being innocent as a Dove and WISE as the serpent you MUST understand this.
TRUST IS EARNED!
Every one of us is vulnerable to deception of our own hearts as well as others who are tempted to sacome to temptations.
Jesus said "Pray that you will not fall to temptations" thats the thing he said at the last supper. He did not say pray we wont be tempted... We will be. God gave every one free will. Choose this day Who you will serve. You can not serve two masters. Nor can others.
A brother is of the same Master... That is a choice. We must flee temptations that not only come against us personally but that come at us from others to harm us.
Wise as the serpent means open your eyes and be aware that it is happening and it is real and that your not making it up or being a bad person for keeping your eye out. Christians have been taught a blind eye. Doves we are good at being doves... But that passage has a second half.
WISE as the serpent so that we can keep an eye out in the grass for them. A dove makes a mighty tasty meal for a snake.
Doves are stupid!
I had a pair of dove that died in a cage with water right there! They did not think to look for it in any other bowl than what they were a accustom too.
They died with the life giving water right there! at the time this was so very painful for they were my pets. I felt guilty and so much remorse for not understanding that they were simply stupid. I should have known better for I was their care giver. After the fact I learned that it was common knowledge of birders that dove are very stupid. They need very special attentive care.
The text said be gentle as Dove, take after that attribute it did not say be a dove. It said be wise as a serpent Not to be one!
The Holy Spirit "as a Dove descended" gently. The Holy Spirit is not a dove, The Holy Spirit is our counselor to guide us and does so gently.
My Dear Sweet friend who just went through this. Please know that non of this energy is directed toward you. I am so sorry for what happened to you and You did not deserve it. I am angry at the tricksters.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
I need to process this...
A man in prison.
When your brother (your will know them by their fruits) in Christ is a criminal. ????
A phone call just over two years ago stopped an embezzler, a man who almost stole all of our retirement. God protected us in the 11 th hour, 59.9 th second, I made a call that turned friend against friend. Caused brothers and sister in Christ to rift. But I made the call and it was the right thing to do. This man was my brother in Christ (or so I thought), he supped at my table heard my story and targeted my family. We became aware that he had over 100 citations and each one of a child p. nature. God protected my children from him and me too. Once, I allowed he and his wife to tend my kids (for two hours) and he was NEVER alone with them. Thank you God never alone with them, she assures me of this.
He is now in prison for 20-30 years and only 1 of those years is for the embezzlement and crimes he did toward his own wife and daughter. He is now off the streets. As of a month or so ago.
Night before last. In the late hours of the night my husband and I were praying for a dear friend who recently fell victim to a different man again preying on the naive trusting Christians of another church that fell hook line and sinker. Lost many thousands of dollars. We grieve for our dear friend. I am so sorry this happened to you. We were praying for you, and we are very angry that it all happened to you. We suspect many others as well were targeted.
The next evening, out of the blue. I received a phone call from the wife of the man I turned in (It had been a very long time since we had spoken). She asked me if we could get together for a sewing lesson. She was with me all evening tonight. No coincidence. We wondered what ever happened and had no idea. That he was charged and convicted of the se- crimes.
We were spared, we were his last clients. His wife even had the paper work of ours secured after the police had hand cuffed him. When I had learned that he had a weapon I went to the wife even when others thought I was over reacting. This was a brother who headed up a PRAYER MINISTRY! He targeted us! He had an addiction to se-. Embezzled over 1 Million and spent it all on prostitutes and child p. He sat in my living room praying with me hearing me story! I feel like showering just telling you this YUK! I know that if we all got what we deserved it would not be pretty. But that does not excuse us from the consequences of our actions. Our sins will find us out. It is excruciating when the body of Christ has to hold another so terribly accountable. But we must do what is right NO MATTER the price. This may have saved him from destroying a child physically for that is the next step and only God may know if he did cross that very line.
I was used in that type of photography as a small child, I had the stained panties from the torture of grown men. I am glad he is in prison!! So He is my brother perhaps? Yet I will not let sin shine in silence. I will pray for him his spirit. but his body and mind crossed a line that it is the better consequence for him than to be so easily tempted out in society!
God protected us!
We did what was right!
We risked friendships!
We stood up for the views we had that were not popular or shared!
We had the privilege to help stop a predator! Even though we were not aware at the time the full extent of his crimes.
Yes he is (was) a brother...or was he? (you will know them by their fruit)
We saw a wonderful fellowship disband from shock and the wake of the mans devistation (and other things It shook our fellowship hard!).
How many times do we forgive??70 x 7 but that does not suggest that we turn a blind eye to crime.
Jesus last said to us to pray for one another that we would resist temptation. Each one of us has a choice to resist it or not. To fulfill the lust of the flesh or flee it.
He is in prison and he will now be stopped from the advancement of this deadly addiction. Stopped from the temptations that befall him. His victims will only get half of the funds returned by the company he represented they lost half of their retirement savings. Elderly people, his response "They can afford it". His wife lost almost everything except a friendship that we hold dear. She has had to start all over again. His daughter, who he stalked and secretly harassed, devastated. He played the Christian society like a bunch of pansy's. It time we not only be gentle as a dove but WISE AS THE SERPENT!
Pray that you too will resist temptation and pray for one another.
Be Wise, Do not fall for any one in the church getting into your financial matters. You hire a reputable firm. Even then like us you could get hit, but at least the folks got half of the funds returned. Listen to your instincts. I stated mine and that is why I think that God saved us. I was not comfortable and deferred to my husband and prayed over it a lot. God preserved us.
When your brother (your will know them by their fruits) in Christ is a criminal. ????
A phone call just over two years ago stopped an embezzler, a man who almost stole all of our retirement. God protected us in the 11 th hour, 59.9 th second, I made a call that turned friend against friend. Caused brothers and sister in Christ to rift. But I made the call and it was the right thing to do. This man was my brother in Christ (or so I thought), he supped at my table heard my story and targeted my family. We became aware that he had over 100 citations and each one of a child p. nature. God protected my children from him and me too. Once, I allowed he and his wife to tend my kids (for two hours) and he was NEVER alone with them. Thank you God never alone with them, she assures me of this.
He is now in prison for 20-30 years and only 1 of those years is for the embezzlement and crimes he did toward his own wife and daughter. He is now off the streets. As of a month or so ago.
Night before last. In the late hours of the night my husband and I were praying for a dear friend who recently fell victim to a different man again preying on the naive trusting Christians of another church that fell hook line and sinker. Lost many thousands of dollars. We grieve for our dear friend. I am so sorry this happened to you. We were praying for you, and we are very angry that it all happened to you. We suspect many others as well were targeted.
The next evening, out of the blue. I received a phone call from the wife of the man I turned in (It had been a very long time since we had spoken). She asked me if we could get together for a sewing lesson. She was with me all evening tonight. No coincidence. We wondered what ever happened and had no idea. That he was charged and convicted of the se- crimes.
We were spared, we were his last clients. His wife even had the paper work of ours secured after the police had hand cuffed him. When I had learned that he had a weapon I went to the wife even when others thought I was over reacting. This was a brother who headed up a PRAYER MINISTRY! He targeted us! He had an addiction to se-. Embezzled over 1 Million and spent it all on prostitutes and child p. He sat in my living room praying with me hearing me story! I feel like showering just telling you this YUK! I know that if we all got what we deserved it would not be pretty. But that does not excuse us from the consequences of our actions. Our sins will find us out. It is excruciating when the body of Christ has to hold another so terribly accountable. But we must do what is right NO MATTER the price. This may have saved him from destroying a child physically for that is the next step and only God may know if he did cross that very line.
I was used in that type of photography as a small child, I had the stained panties from the torture of grown men. I am glad he is in prison!! So He is my brother perhaps? Yet I will not let sin shine in silence. I will pray for him his spirit. but his body and mind crossed a line that it is the better consequence for him than to be so easily tempted out in society!
God protected us!
We did what was right!
We risked friendships!
We stood up for the views we had that were not popular or shared!
We had the privilege to help stop a predator! Even though we were not aware at the time the full extent of his crimes.
Yes he is (was) a brother...or was he? (you will know them by their fruit)
We saw a wonderful fellowship disband from shock and the wake of the mans devistation (and other things It shook our fellowship hard!).
How many times do we forgive??70 x 7 but that does not suggest that we turn a blind eye to crime.
Jesus last said to us to pray for one another that we would resist temptation. Each one of us has a choice to resist it or not. To fulfill the lust of the flesh or flee it.
He is in prison and he will now be stopped from the advancement of this deadly addiction. Stopped from the temptations that befall him. His victims will only get half of the funds returned by the company he represented they lost half of their retirement savings. Elderly people, his response "They can afford it". His wife lost almost everything except a friendship that we hold dear. She has had to start all over again. His daughter, who he stalked and secretly harassed, devastated. He played the Christian society like a bunch of pansy's. It time we not only be gentle as a dove but WISE AS THE SERPENT!
Pray that you too will resist temptation and pray for one another.
Be Wise, Do not fall for any one in the church getting into your financial matters. You hire a reputable firm. Even then like us you could get hit, but at least the folks got half of the funds returned. Listen to your instincts. I stated mine and that is why I think that God saved us. I was not comfortable and deferred to my husband and prayed over it a lot. God preserved us.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
The Joy of November
All the caskets are gone from the neighborhood lawn
The pumpkins a flush in the dumpsters
witches no longer surround me
Ghost and goblins gone
November is here
In the Morning
A sunrise is is gleaming
the month of gratitude.
Mums and pansy
Fruits of the field.
feather full turkey's a child's delight
It is morning.
Morning,
mourning the loss of all that I knew
Mourning the loss of the many
The few
It is finished for me
November is here
Another year to enjoy
The dawn is bright
losses will be out of sight
out of sight is the mourning
silent the tears
gone with the years
For my joy has come in the morning.
The pumpkins a flush in the dumpsters
witches no longer surround me
Ghost and goblins gone
November is here
In the Morning
A sunrise is is gleaming
the month of gratitude.
Mums and pansy
Fruits of the field.
feather full turkey's a child's delight
It is morning.
Morning,
mourning the loss of all that I knew
Mourning the loss of the many
The few
It is finished for me
November is here
Another year to enjoy
The dawn is bright
losses will be out of sight
out of sight is the mourning
silent the tears
gone with the years
For my joy has come in the morning.
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