Reflections

It has been a long year for me.
I spent the first 7 months with the house for sale. Once it did not sell I had to begin to unpack it. I felt locked down and overwhelmed. The "dig in" is left with an idle shovel.
It is like a bit of shell shock. Starting the garden and having the chickens has been real good for my heart.I never really did "want " to move to sell out. I had to keep up the courage to support the dream of being debt free. Well with the exception of a grand on Doves braces we are so. The mortgage also.
I have lost myself in all of this. I just had enough of hits on my efforts. Taxed to the hilt with the stress of finance. The concerns of my husbands ability to keep up this pace. So for now we stay until the economy improves and we are now more focused on a three month security savings, and our retirement and security. It was all neglected for far too long.

So much for the outside me...
The inside me is biting my middle fingers and my ring fingers compulsively. I am trying to keep from eating food. Everything is stuffed down and I am just trying to function. I am lost inside here.
Doing service work and keeping up interests are a big part of the day in and out. My diligence fades. My Mr got life insurance and we will keep it up for the sake of security. Yet he pours his life out every day with 10 hour days.
I lost a safe place here (on the blog) I think.. I see I sorta made it impersonal and about others.
I am lost. My compase froze in one place. The day to day.
I made it through another year of life. Keeping the introspective in check I supose. If I were to really look in would it be safe.
Well everywhere around me lives are on an existance mode.
Friends are locked up in there own stuff. I guess life just gets too painful sometimes. Intimacy have waxed into masks and avoidance in a few relationships. Fear of finance plagues my husband like a suffocating blanket. It is suffocating me.
I can not breath, the real me. She has to just subsist right now. Holidays are coming and I just really do not care much about it. I have concern that my disinterest could effect the kids negitivly so I force myself a bit to give them memories. I have non now. My memory is getting worse as is the frequency of the miss spoken words that are not what I mean to say but others point them out and ask if that is what I meant I thought I said the right word. So I just accept that this is part of the progression. I keep these things to myself though. My husband has enough to concern him. Life is good on the outside, but inside it is sorta empty.
I think I am in the long haul just get the kids raised and try to keep my mind and body as long as I can. I am forgetting to pay bills sometimes, the money is there I just do not remember to do it. Twice late payment on mortgage and twice on the credit card (that is now paid off and all but closed down) That was a big gain. I have cost us a big $150. in fees and am so ashamed that I feel angry at myself. I have never ever been late on payments ever!
Functioning on a day to day is strange. I am in a fog a lot of times like I have to jult myself out of it. I will be biting my nails to the point of pain and have to talk myself around to stop.
The new logo here is
It's time to believe in myself.
I guess I really have lost the hope in me that I will flourish. I try and try with efforts and attempts to make a difference for our finance, yet to make and follow the budget though. As if it is going to happen all by itself.It is like I am on a down hill ride and I need to just do everything I can for the sake of the others so they can have the best life I can offer them.
I have the knee replacement and other health things that are looming and yet I can not go for a walk, it just feels useless and futile.
I have nothing to really look forward to.. Thanksgiving dinner is nice that I can just rest, but left little to look forward to.
I feel like Charloett in the web.
I am languishing, but I love my children and my husband.
Yes content but content to languish is not good.
I know and I see it coming it may be a way off but I see it. I can not fight it. It is what it is. I am not one to lay down a good fight but dementia or the fear of it is really weighing me down. Knee replacement sounds much worse than just death.
I just have to keep interested in my own carreer.
Lord I do not know who people are...it is really scary. I have no idea of who is speaking to me. Not a clue though I am frantically searching for one.
My antidepressants are really great, they help a lot. The stress of the $$$ stuff is really killing me. I know it is. I can not change it well at least I am trying too. (we).
We have allways had enough, We have a very small savings and a goal of a good 3 months worth. Great goals. We just can not seam to get very far ahead. We do not do what we need to because it is left to me to type out and fill in the form. I am overwhelmed by it. My mind does not do math well except for small windows of time, then I am brillaint.
I think I am shutting down. I am left to wonder. I will pour myself out to keep trying to function on a high level. I just do not care about so many things right now. It all just sucks and I am tierd of killing myelf for such fruitless efforts.
This moving and packing and unpacking and possible going to sell or try again later is just taking the life right of me. I had it all done once. All organized and all just where I knew it was. Of all the things we have gained in our years I can not find half of them and everyone still asks me where it all is. I have not a clue, and I do not care any more to gain one.
The Mr with his 10 hour days is looking to get a part time job on the side...
We do not do the things we should and do the things we should not and then try and fix it by adding more!
That is stupid! Then it is up to me to pick up the slack.
So I just keep the statis quo and try to act as if it is just fine with me. I am tired of fighting for anything different. The enemy has gotten behind my lines.

What goes around comes around.

The joy of retribution
justice for one

Originally Posted 2007

This is an attempt to overcome fear of rejection and to overcome fear of exposing the truth!

I have offended many over the years by telling them what holloween and full moons were like for me as a kid. Who am I, is my big question. One who lets darkness win through silence, or one who overcomes darkness by exposing it to the light. I am the latter!

Some of my earliest memories of the ceremony and worship of the dark side that I experienced here follows.
One of the hardest involved being up in the canyon at the lodge where they gathered. Very late into the night of the moons shining upon them they would begin. After the normal families left and the "die hards" lit the bonfire and continued to binge on the feasts and drink the hard booze it would commence. There was a man who was the leader. He would "all gather, lets get this thing on the road" and cheers would sound up as the wild tones would echo. I and other kids, children of the others there were in a cabin like building. The big kids would then get the little kid that was chosen by the adults. That night it was me.

Folks say that Oct.31 is just an innocent night I stand to differ!

In a cloth bag the big kids (those I now feel most sorry for), placed me. Like well humored or ill humored bullies I was spun around and dizzy. I was laughing innocently ,yet then fear and anger; they would not let me out. The bag was getting dusty for it was drug through the camp. I began to hurt and the air in the bag was stuffy. It stopped That man he was the big man who was the talker and leader of it. He opened it up and every one cheered! he smiled at me. "Let me get you out of there..." smiling at me I felt safe from the bullies. He lifted me up high on the stone table. Everyone cheered and laughed. I was so tired and after a drink, I laid down. He had a bunny. I liked the bunny a lot. He was my friend and he was so soft he was scared. I got very sleepy from the drink. They were all around the table looking at me. Then the big boys were told they had a privilege and a responsibility they felt proud,and stood there. The cup was gold and it was above my face. The bunny screaming and then silent. I went away with him and watched from the forest with the Forest Angel. She was nice and the bunny was in a different body cause the other one was being drained into the cup. I was in a shadow body cause my other one was still on the table.
They took her clothes off she was pretty and tiny. The bunny gave her a drink from the cup and everyone had a sip too. I did not like it. The songs were there yukky songs and looking at the moon. I stayed with Forest Angel, she was nice.
The body on the table had brown hair that was bad she had to be made white. The big boys made her white on both sides and it hurt her, they raped me, a lot.
The man said they did well to whiten me. The girls (my) mom was over at the fire she had food dripping at her mouth and her husband was drunk, bad drunk, over at the fire. They were praised for their offering. The little girl bled. I was hurt bad. Then they wrapped me in the blanket and the Forest Angel let go of my hand and I was her again.
I could not get clean enough. It burnt the hot water just would not take it all away off of me and out of me and I just died there, inside, no more to be.
The next day I then began again. A new girl who nobody could know . I just hid behind my eyes. I was only a little girl.
That is what it means to me.

I hate holloween!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had been chosen weeks before and they worked on my parents to allow it to happen to me.
I was in recovery for three years when I was ready to commit suicide thinking I must be crazy to remember such things when my sister 18 years elder came forward and apologized for not coming forward sooner. I had given her the courage to do so.
I am 17 years out now and I still have to be removed to tell you of the deeds done in darkness.
It is not an innocent night!!!!!!!!!!!!
Somewhere a family is being set up, a child is being primed. Children are scared for life when used as the offenders. This is done to keep witnesses silent!!!

Here we go again

It is that week before the eve of hollows. I am sick with acid tummy ever seance the blunt force trauma to my belly from my daughters regression.
I am under so much discomfort in so many ways. . this family I have been helping is like old home week. I hate it when folks show them selves untrustworthy. It sickens me to be put in a place of having to suspect others of manipulation. I rather try to give others the benefit of the doubt. Now to feel threatened this week of all weeks with retaliation.
Now a week before, and the school mercifully is not doing the big Halloween parade. Just class parties.
My kids feel left out of the fun of trick or treating. I have two costumes to be prepared, only to find out there is no reason to unless I let them practice this thing. Dear God I hate that I understand...that I have the knowledge of what is happening this week to those victims who are being primed. I am undone Out of my skin. Creeping and crawling within a maze of the insanity of this world.
I want to go home. I do not want the argument of those who justify and ignore real truths. Who minimize and call it "just like out of the Movies"...Oh how evil practices deeds that are so foul that they get away with it because it is so "Unbelievable!"
I am undone.
My family of origin has a weeding of a niece tomorrow. I do not want to feel the memory and the presence of the spirit this week of all weeks. I hate 10-31 I wish they would just erase this whole week off of the calendar so I could live my life without the reliving the trauma.
My daughter came to me with a class request for a snack of her choice of 23 kids...she choose "candied Apples" . Well they have to be store bought. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
Now tell me? the heart of the innocent. To them all things are innocent. They are not so to me, for I have known the heart of pure evil. Letting them be included with their hearts so innocent...God I do not want to expose them to evil. Can it truly be innocent just because they are. Can I find a true innocence to walk them door to door when I would be guilty in my own heart to do so.
I just want to go home tonight. No I will not do myself harm...I am just so very very tired of this memory and knowledge and role to educate to help perhaps the child who, this week, might be in the same role that I bore all those years ago.
I had a woman tell me that satanist just need to be allowed to live and let live. She spoke so ignorantly to me for she knew nothing of me. This was at a class where I was so enjoying an education in the arts.
Live and let live the satanic worshiper?
Will they let the little girl or boy who is being raped and made to drink blood Live
Hell NO! for to them to live is to inflict HELL!

It is stlii happening

Ritual killing similar to what I experienced.

"Like that from a novel"....Oh How that type of statement infuriates me.

LIKE THAT OF REAL LIFE!

To set the captive free!

As I sit awake at 4 in the morning. I am impressed from a hard dream on how the captive suffers.
Those looking simply (or so should it be) for love and a bond of emotional, heart to heart unity with another are compelled to it. Many have resigned to means by living lives in loveless marriages in order to have needs of shelter and such. I see how imprisoned are, those who are depending upon their own reasoning and effort to find what they need.
Without ever knowing love some are willing to let go of everything they have to purpose the acquisition of love, or a connection that looks like it. Choices are made everyday even in childhood to pursue it. I weep for the captive those who effort on their own powers and reasoning to find it. Suffocated by the reality that it is an endless empty quest.
One that cost them their souls.
I have the chain breaking freedom. The one thing that saved me. The knowledge that I am loved.
I have unmerited favor.
A love that fills the vacuccum that draws the very life out of the captive.
I was set free.
Adopted and heir into the unmerited favor of God.
Predestined and chosen.
Not that I am alone in this , but that I have gained the knowledge of it.
The difference between chains or freedom.
Even within the scritpures I find that Those who are predestinoned choosen before the foundatiions of time...are perishing for a simple lack of knowledge.
How I weep at ignorance.
How I grieve at those chains those endless pursuits that mimic the real thing. My heart so longs to set those who are captive ...free.
Be it known that you are loved.
Innately just for who you are. Loved beyond any measure that can be found in your empty pursuit. It is here waiting for you in this very breath. In this...
Come home.
Into the heart of worship come to your maker who longs for you.
You are loved.
It is true.
With this knowledge know that even in a loveless marriage you are loved.
Even in a empty void of existence you are loved.

I am loved and my marriage is so loving. I am fortunate that way. Loveless ness is such a consequence of trying to fill these voids on our own. Looking in another person for the fulfillment that only your maker can afford you. You see your mate is no different if He/She is in an empty place questing for what likewise you can not give in return.
Come home.
Fill your cup from the true sorce of this inate need.
With it filled then and only then can you ever begin to offer that to another.
So many captive try in vain to effort to "earn" this place . They struggle to gain the ground through "good works" and martyrdom. Sacrificing even any small measure of peace.
All in the pursuit of love, unmerited favor.
Grace.
Grace has been perverted in churches across our world. Because the leadership and the body does not even have a knowledge of who it is that loves them.
That they have been adopted and become and heir. Perversion swept the message even in the days of Titus. Now so few have clean hands and are not out for the dollar. Snakes in the grass. Taking advantage of the knowledge lacking folk,
who in all good intentions think they must earn this favor.
Unmerited favor is a free gift.
Unlike humanity this gift is offered with no strings attached.
Simply to reciprocate the impassioned favor. Fondly delighting in a friendship with the living God their maker...The one who gave us this void to be filled. His created hole in us is shaped just right only for Him to fill.
To set the captive free.
To proclaim peace to the wherry, and liberty.
So I declare it as I sit up grieving the empty pursuit of so many I witness around me.

People say that there is no way a mother could do this...oh ya!

AP) An Illinois woman faces at least 15 years in prison after pleading guilty to doping her 6-year-old twin girls with cough syrup and taking nude pictures of them with her boyfriend.

The 30-year-old mother pleaded guilty Wednesday in federal court in western Wisconsin to creating child pornography.

Her boyfriend, 37-year-old Roger Smith of Hollandale, pleaded guilty last month to sexually exploiting children. Both are due for sentencing in September.

U.S. District Judge Barbara Crabb ordered the mother, who is pregnant, placed at a federal Bureau of Prisons medical center until sentencing.

The twins have lived with their father since the couple divorced in October. The pictures were taken in November and February at the woman's home in west-central Illinois.

The Associated Press generally does not identify people who may be victims of sexual assault and naming the mother could reveal the girls' identities.