Walking Wounded

Wednesday, November 26, 2008


It has been a long year for me.
I spent the first 7 months with the house for sale. Once it did not sell I had to begin to unpack it. I felt locked down and overwhelmed. The "dig in" is left with an idle shovel.
It is like a bit of shell shock. Starting the garden and having the chickens has been real good for my heart.I never really did "want " to move to sell out. I had to keep up the courage to support the dream of being debt free. Well with the exception of a grand on Doves braces we are so. The mortgage also.
I have lost myself in all of this. I just had enough of hits on my efforts. Taxed to the hilt with the stress of finance. The concerns of my husbands ability to keep up this pace. So for now we stay until the economy improves and we are now more focused on a three month security savings, and our retirement and security. It was all neglected for far too long.

So much for the outside me...
The inside me is biting my middle fingers and my ring fingers compulsively. I am trying to keep from eating food. Everything is stuffed down and I am just trying to function. I am lost inside here.
Doing service work and keeping up interests are a big part of the day in and out. My diligence fades. My Mr got life insurance and we will keep it up for the sake of security. Yet he pours his life out every day with 10 hour days.
I lost a safe place here (on the blog) I think.. I see I sorta made it impersonal and about others.
I am lost. My compase froze in one place. The day to day.
I made it through another year of life. Keeping the introspective in check I supose. If I were to really look in would it be safe.
Well everywhere around me lives are on an existance mode.
Friends are locked up in there own stuff. I guess life just gets too painful sometimes. Intimacy have waxed into masks and avoidance in a few relationships. Fear of finance plagues my husband like a suffocating blanket. It is suffocating me.
I can not breath, the real me. She has to just subsist right now. Holidays are coming and I just really do not care much about it. I have concern that my disinterest could effect the kids negitivly so I force myself a bit to give them memories. I have non now. My memory is getting worse as is the frequency of the miss spoken words that are not what I mean to say but others point them out and ask if that is what I meant I thought I said the right word. So I just accept that this is part of the progression. I keep these things to myself though. My husband has enough to concern him. Life is good on the outside, but inside it is sorta empty.
I think I am in the long haul just get the kids raised and try to keep my mind and body as long as I can. I am forgetting to pay bills sometimes, the money is there I just do not remember to do it. Twice late payment on mortgage and twice on the credit card (that is now paid off and all but closed down) That was a big gain. I have cost us a big $150. in fees and am so ashamed that I feel angry at myself. I have never ever been late on payments ever!
Functioning on a day to day is strange. I am in a fog a lot of times like I have to jult myself out of it. I will be biting my nails to the point of pain and have to talk myself around to stop.
The new logo here is
It's time to believe in myself.
I guess I really have lost the hope in me that I will flourish. I try and try with efforts and attempts to make a difference for our finance, yet to make and follow the budget though. As if it is going to happen all by itself.It is like I am on a down hill ride and I need to just do everything I can for the sake of the others so they can have the best life I can offer them.
I have the knee replacement and other health things that are looming and yet I can not go for a walk, it just feels useless and futile.
I have nothing to really look forward to.. Thanksgiving dinner is nice that I can just rest, but left little to look forward to.
I feel like Charloett in the web.
I am languishing, but I love my children and my husband.
Yes content but content to languish is not good.
I know and I see it coming it may be a way off but I see it. I can not fight it. It is what it is. I am not one to lay down a good fight but dementia or the fear of it is really weighing me down. Knee replacement sounds much worse than just death.
I just have to keep interested in my own carreer.
Lord I do not know who people are...it is really scary. I have no idea of who is speaking to me. Not a clue though I am frantically searching for one.
My antidepressants are really great, they help a lot. The stress of the $$$ stuff is really killing me. I know it is. I can not change it well at least I am trying too. (we).
We have allways had enough, We have a very small savings and a goal of a good 3 months worth. Great goals. We just can not seam to get very far ahead. We do not do what we need to because it is left to me to type out and fill in the form. I am overwhelmed by it. My mind does not do math well except for small windows of time, then I am brillaint.
I think I am shutting down. I am left to wonder. I will pour myself out to keep trying to function on a high level. I just do not care about so many things right now. It all just sucks and I am tierd of killing myelf for such fruitless efforts.
This moving and packing and unpacking and possible going to sell or try again later is just taking the life right of me. I had it all done once. All organized and all just where I knew it was. Of all the things we have gained in our years I can not find half of them and everyone still asks me where it all is. I have not a clue, and I do not care any more to gain one.
The Mr with his 10 hour days is looking to get a part time job on the side...
We do not do the things we should and do the things we should not and then try and fix it by adding more!
That is stupid! Then it is up to me to pick up the slack.
So I just keep the statis quo and try to act as if it is just fine with me. I am tired of fighting for anything different. The enemy has gotten behind my lines.

No comments:

Songs of my heart