Walking Wounded

Monday, August 31, 2009

EMDR a timeline

This morning I will begin the EMDR to help the PTSD symptoms. How in so many ways I wish the lies spoken over me were so...I mean that I would give anything if my youth was not mine. The denial and outright silencing of the truth by others is too much for me. If it were not for an elder sister it would be unbearable at times. Yet I stand convicted in neglecting her just to stop from thinking about what we both know is the truth.

I do not want to open myself up again to the fellowship of keeping others secretes while I am judged based on lies and the denial of the truth. It forces me away and it is tearing me up inside.

Last night an assignment that I have neglected was addressed. I was trying to find a list I thought I had and in so doing was reintroduced to some difficult documents. To begin the EMDR a time line needs to be developed. My appointment is today. I have yet to be able to bring myself to do it. It has been two weeks. I just want it to all go away. Leave it all behind.

There is a saying...
"well how's that working for ya?"
Truth is that to do the work will hopefully stop the stress form debilitating me with PTSD effects that seam so incongruous to my present moments.

There is a song by Cat Stevens...
" seagulls sing your hearts away cause while the sinners sin the children pray...Oh Lord how they pray and pray for that happy day...for that happy day."

I made a promise that if I do not let them make me like them. If I don't let them make me go crazy... that I would give myself a life someday...when will I know I have kept that promise . When can I stop? When will this stress disorder stop?

I told my husband that I do not think I can do this...For many many years after remembering and trying to deal with Carolyn's murder I just shut down to it all.
Telling about the murder seamed to of hindered those professionals, I felt it hurt them to know it to hear it. God I do not want to hurt anyone by telling them and then knowing that their mind has those images in it because of me.
At least with the EMDR I do not have to speak them out loud.She just does the thing? while I am recalling the event. I do so hope I only remember and not regress. I feel panicked. Alone and isolated in the knowledge of the wicked truth of what I have experienced and all the while a sibling acting as if non of it ever happened...their own survival denial that dear God I do not want to shatter for the very same reason.

My Mother told me before she died to tell...tell all...One elder sister and two brothers all confirm so many of the things surrounding the places and events of my youth they confirmed the perps and assured me that all I have told is true...but this one sister is convinced I think that if she can just make it all go away it never happened...if it is to all go away that would then take my very life breadth to do so. That is what it is like being near her. I have to stop being me and walk on the ground tip toed watching out for her cleverly placed land minds that set me up to her covert mind games that demine and reduce me to shut me up. How do I have relationship with that. Loving me seemingly and I think she does...but keeping the truth in her check to keep it far from her.

Folks these are the harder things often in recovery. Walking softly as not to break a denial that might cost an others sanity if she truly faced the past events. Whats the point...to prove that I am right? Well history , documents, testimony from many other people have already done that. Absence seems my only recourse. Yet I so love her and long to be able to call her a trusted friend.

Now I am being asked to remember it while the EMDR technique re programs my brains response. I am so scared to feel it all over again. The neurologist and several others speak so highly of this therapy. They say it is the governments main technique for helping the VETS deal with PTSD after coming home. We never forget but our brains store it differently and then the chemicals in the brain react totally neutral in recall or triggering moments. It is said to remove the trigger so the memory can be stored properly. Trauma stops the transport of data into storage verses fight/flight response.

I went through the art work and saw the images I rendered of the stone table and it sickens me. What a risk to see if this will help.


Corey~living and loving said...

my heart is with you in this journy Donetta. ♥

Denise said...

Praying for you sweetie.

Songs of my heart