Walking Wounded

Saturday, October 23, 2010

It is finished

"when will you know that you have given yourself a life?" she asked me .
This after telling her that it was my childhood goal to tell on them, to testify against the hidden things done in darkness. If I did not let them make me like them, I would give myself a life on day "i promised" this to my own soul.

After so many many years it has come the time. I see that it is time to accept that I have reached that goal.

When given the medication to stop the effects of the cortisol flush. That PTSD flight/fight response my psychiatrist told me that I should really consider if I ought to subject myself to any more EMDR. My very physical health was made at risk by keeping the stress hormone activated in the process of identifying the triggers to rid myself of the effect of them. It made me think long and hard about when I would stop and simply accept that there will be times when others would simply need to respect my boundries. That I will need to simply accept my limitations stemming from the PTSD triggers. To accept that I have given myself a life, and this is now time to be free to live it.

This only after many many years of a lot of really hard work. 
It is finished. My goal has been attained.
I am tired. It is finished.
Now I live.

I think I now know that I have given myself that life fought for. In the spring I will turn 50 years of age. I have fought for many years gaining back the life stolen from me to the best of my tenacious ability.

It is that now that I see that I have taken my power back!
I have my life gained! 
No longer to fight for anything grater than that I have so successfully attained. The world around me is just that. It can not be altered or changed. I can support those who walk this long road by declaring that Yes this will one day be finished

Many of you know my stand or jurney through the seasons of old when concerning this upcoming holiday.
For many many years my stand, my battle to tell the truth. Sound the bell, shout from the high places to pray for the children during the upcoming days. It has left my mind tormented with the memories of those days pass. Now no longer is it my bell to ring.

Now I let this to you. It will be no longer for me to be the clanging sound of arise and pray for the inocent who are harmed.
It is a season to pass that mantle on.
To you who understand this
Others must take that task so that I can no longer think on these things in order to attain the goal that is MY LIFE
That battle is not to flood my mind any longer.
I have told the truth, I have rung the bell now I pass that bell along to you who's duty it is to do so.

This will be the first year that I will no longer focus on the horror of this time of year.
I will rather be focusing on the pure and raise my family aware that we all can overcome.
I will example to all that I have overcome the world, the evil and naked violence that would remove the innocent as well as the vile.
I will celibrate the innocent and leave the vile to it's own devices.
I will yet pray and then let go for it is no longer for me to intercede when it takes me back to the very events that I fear happening to other children.

It is up to you and others who are able to pray without the effects of personal experience.

3 comments:

Hillbilly Handiworks said...

The Holy Spirit prays for us when we no longer can.

On October 31, I will be home, doors closed, lights out...praying.

Denise said...

It is up to you and others who are able to pray without the effect of personal experiences..... What a profound statement.. I can tell you girl that when I read what you write and it matters not the subject.. I am always moved to see and feel the anguish......BUT in this post I see the freedom that you have finally given yourself..... You have no idea of the impact of your words..... It always touches my spirit man and gives me wings........

Patrina's Pencil said...

I am so glad I reas the other post tonihgt before this - it has given me a clear picture of what you are saying now. WOW!!! God has done a might work in you! Praise Jesus! I identify with your stand here too. I know why you are saying it is finished. You are a work of art, creative art - in the hands of God. Completely healed? Are any of us? No but God sustains us and protects us ....I could not have survived with out my personal - trusting relationship with God. The comforting Holy Spirit has been huge in my life. He literally carries me through the mud of my present season.

I am so proud of you! My prayers of intercession on you and your family's behalf - are pressed before the Lord.

Psa 56:13 For you have rescued me from death; you have kept my feet from slipping. So now I can walk in your presence, O God, in your life-giving light.

Isa 60:19 "No longer will you need the sun or moon to give you light, for the LORD your God will be your everlasting light, and he will be your glory.

Isa 60:20 The sun will never set; the moon will not go down. For the LORD will be your everlasting light. Your days of mourning will come to an end.

Eph 5:14 And where your light shines, it will expose their evil deeds. This is why it is said, "Awake, O sleeper, rise up from the dead, and Christ will give you light."

Eph 1:18 I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the wonderful future he has promised to those he called. I want you to realize what a rich and glorious inheritance he has given to his people.

Mal 4:2 "But for you who fear my name, the Sun of Righteousness will rise with healing in his wings. And you will go free, leaping with joy like calves let out to pasture.

Psa 10:12 Arise, O LORD! Punish the wicked, O God! Do not forget the helpless!

Isa 52:1 Wake up, wake up, O Zion! Clothe yourselves with strength. Put on your beautiful clothes, O holy city of Jerusalem, for unclean and godless people will no longer enter your gates.

May the Shalom of heaven invade your space and fill your inner being - your spirit man - with His peace.

Shalom
Patrina <")>><
warrior bride in boots

Songs of my heart