Walking Wounded

Saturday, October 23, 2010

It is finished

"when will you know that you have given yourself a life?" she asked me .
This after telling her that it was my childhood goal to tell on them, to testify against the hidden things done in darkness. If I did not let them make me like them, I would give myself a life on day "i promised" this to my own soul.

After so many many years it has come the time. I see that it is time to accept that I have reached that goal.

When given the medication to stop the effects of the cortisol flush. That PTSD flight/fight response my psychiatrist told me that I should really consider if I ought to subject myself to any more EMDR. My very physical health was made at risk by keeping the stress hormone activated in the process of identifying the triggers to rid myself of the effect of them. It made me think long and hard about when I would stop and simply accept that there will be times when others would simply need to respect my boundries. That I will need to simply accept my limitations stemming from the PTSD triggers. To accept that I have given myself a life, and this is now time to be free to live it.

This only after many many years of a lot of really hard work. 
It is finished. My goal has been attained.
I am tired. It is finished.
Now I live.

I think I now know that I have given myself that life fought for. In the spring I will turn 50 years of age. I have fought for many years gaining back the life stolen from me to the best of my tenacious ability.

It is that now that I see that I have taken my power back!
I have my life gained! 
No longer to fight for anything grater than that I have so successfully attained. The world around me is just that. It can not be altered or changed. I can support those who walk this long road by declaring that Yes this will one day be finished

Many of you know my stand or jurney through the seasons of old when concerning this upcoming holiday.
For many many years my stand, my battle to tell the truth. Sound the bell, shout from the high places to pray for the children during the upcoming days. It has left my mind tormented with the memories of those days pass. Now no longer is it my bell to ring.

Now I let this to you. It will be no longer for me to be the clanging sound of arise and pray for the inocent who are harmed.
It is a season to pass that mantle on.
To you who understand this
Others must take that task so that I can no longer think on these things in order to attain the goal that is MY LIFE
That battle is not to flood my mind any longer.
I have told the truth, I have rung the bell now I pass that bell along to you who's duty it is to do so.

This will be the first year that I will no longer focus on the horror of this time of year.
I will rather be focusing on the pure and raise my family aware that we all can overcome.
I will example to all that I have overcome the world, the evil and naked violence that would remove the innocent as well as the vile.
I will celibrate the innocent and leave the vile to it's own devices.
I will yet pray and then let go for it is no longer for me to intercede when it takes me back to the very events that I fear happening to other children.

It is up to you and others who are able to pray without the effects of personal experience.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Denile, Stopping up your ears

"It really never happened".
Halloween is just pure simple kids fun, a chance for innocence and community affiliation. There is nothing wrong with it. It's all good.

This is a hard thing to put into practice. I hate Halloween!

We who have know horror have to hold our fingers in our ears, but when my fingers get tired...
When I get tired of the ghouls when trying my best to allow my kids the opportunity to witness what trick or treating means... When the folks scream...I am doing my best to manage the PTSD.

There are always ear plug...     :)               Hearos Ultimate Softness, 20-Pair Foam (Pack of 2)
Click on image

Songs of my heart