Most children or perhaps at best many children experience the options that they may have for their adult lives. Some follow in the steps of a parent and never consider what they might choose, such a child is never given the choice. While others leave the decision up the the "all mighty dollar", for no one wants poverty. The whole of life is often centered around the fear of it ( poverty that is).
As a child the only thing I ever wanted was a home of my own. A place where I could be safe. Where someone would make sure I had my needs met for food and shelter in a loving atmosphere. That was the "big goal" I had for my future. I had a class in high school that opened the world of writing where the teacher was kind enough to let me sit out on the cement near the door. I had such severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that the class room was just too much. It was calm and safe there. I took a print shop class in high school it was more of a creative experience. I remember a science class that was very fascinating (biology) I got an A in it. Beside that I never really had much opportunity outside of school and working every other moment at the family gas station or at the house cooking and cleaning for my parents who worked 80 hour weeks. Just fed them and cleaned up after them.
Here I am 46 years old. I have spent the better part of 25 years+ making a home. Doing what I thought that meant. I decorated it with needle and thread and trinkets that were my best attempt at adding beauty. I have Made that safe home for myself and my husband and children. I had dreams of entertaining in it...but alas my husband is not to much for that. I had ideas of a garden and homemade subsistence...but alas the culture we live in does not bend itself too far toward that and it became very limited. As I dismantle the house that I spent years decorating and acquiring things for I see that I am removing myself from it. It is like I am putting myself , my old self into boxes and closing the lid only to wonder if I will still have want of those things in the future. My husband is loving the master suite that is cleared of nick knacks and such. He likes a few but we had too many. It is so much lighter somehow. Like a lifted weight but it still feels absent of me.
It is my attempt to create a naked home to be able to better market this one when the time come (and it is coming quickly) that we shall put it on the market for sale. I see how I am saying good buy to all those things I made often with just what I had on hand or was able to acquire at a discount. I am a grateful woman not one to be picky. I created beauty out of what was supplied me. I am left however to wonder who I am now. When I begin again will I reinvent me?
I wonder if I were to allow myself to ponder what I desire...who I desire to be and become will she be so much different than this me I am so familiar with?
In my youth I was re-invented out of trauma...Can I now be re-invented out of intent to BE?
What could that even look like. If I just was who I desire to be? I felt very lost this morning for a short time. I stayed in silence and prayed during the electric therapy on my neck. I asked lights out and just stayed quiet. I remembered that I am. I am a Vivacious, tenacious, White Raven! I am and I am who and what I desire. It is the desire that is within me from the design of my Creator.
I think it time to consider my design...more than just wanting a safe home, a Man that loves God... These things have come to be. I am a Mother...I am an artist in so many ways...Now it is time to begin to open myself up to the possibilities that await me.