Walking Wounded

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Inventing myself

Most children or perhaps at best many children experience the options that they may have for their adult lives. Some follow in the steps of a parent and never consider what they might choose, such a child is never given the choice. While others leave the decision up the the "all mighty dollar", for no one wants poverty. The whole of life is often centered around the fear of it ( poverty that is).
As a child the only thing I ever wanted was a home of my own. A place where I could be safe. Where someone would make sure I had my needs met for food and shelter in a loving atmosphere. That was the "big goal" I had for my future. I had a class in high school that opened the world of writing where the teacher was kind enough to let me sit out on the cement near the door. I had such severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that the class room was just too much. It was calm and safe there. I took a print shop class in high school it was more of a creative experience. I remember a science class that was very fascinating (biology) I got an A in it. Beside that I never really had much opportunity outside of school and working every other moment at the family gas station or at the house cooking and cleaning for my parents who worked 80 hour weeks. Just fed them and cleaned up after them.
Here I am 46 years old. I have spent the better part of 25 years+ making a home. Doing what I thought that meant. I decorated it with needle and thread and trinkets that were my best attempt at adding beauty. I have Made that safe home for myself and my husband and children. I had dreams of entertaining in it...but alas my husband is not to much for that. I had ideas of a garden and homemade subsistence...but alas the culture we live in does not bend itself too far toward that and it became very limited. As I dismantle the house that I spent years decorating and acquiring things for I see that I am removing myself from it. It is like I am putting myself , my old self into boxes and closing the lid only to wonder if I will still have want of those things in the future. My husband is loving the master suite that is cleared of nick knacks and such. He likes a few but we had too many. It is so much lighter somehow. Like a lifted weight but it still feels absent of me.
It is my attempt to create a naked home to be able to better market this one when the time come (and it is coming quickly) that we shall put it on the market for sale. I see how I am saying good buy to all those things I made often with just what I had on hand or was able to acquire at a discount. I am a grateful woman not one to be picky. I created beauty out of what was supplied me. I am left however to wonder who I am now. When I begin again will I reinvent me?
I wonder if I were to allow myself to ponder what I desire...who I desire to be and become will she be so much different than this me I am so familiar with?
In my youth I was re-invented out of trauma...Can I now be re-invented out of intent to BE?
What could that even look like. If I just was who I desire to be? I felt very lost this morning for a short time. I stayed in silence and prayed during the electric therapy on my neck. I asked lights out and just stayed quiet. I remembered that I am. I am a Vivacious, tenacious, White Raven! I am and I am who and what I desire. It is the desire that is within me from the design of my Creator.
I think it time to consider my design...more than just wanting a safe home, a Man that loves God... These things have come to be. I am a Mother...I am an artist in so many ways...Now it is time to begin to open myself up to the possibilities that await me.


Denise said...

I love you my friend.

Spider Lady said...

....I am a Mother...I am an artist in so many ways...Now it is time to begin to open myself up to the possibilities that await me.....

Along with being a Mother you are also a friend. You are a great woman who loves life and all that is around you. The covering may change, whether it be clothes or knick-knacks, but the core of who we are...the wants, needs and life...is always with us.

motherofmany said...

I was hoping you would have some insight. The militant child has been pulling out all the stops lately. Her refusal to eat has gotten really bad, and we even had a doctor grill the other kids behind my back about our discipline practices and then say we need to feed her whatever she wants if it will get her to eat. I talked a little about this in December. anyway, so I have been struggling to keep her in check for 5 years and she finally got someone to over-rule me, and now she is impossible to control. She said she wouldn't eat because she wanted macaroni and cheese, which she knows I think is detestable boxed poison (we of course are not talking about any homemade foods here but pre-packaged) and after the threat by the doctor, I gave up and said she could have whatever. So I made mac and cheese from the box, spending money I don't have on extra food for her outside of the family budget and menu, and she refused to eat it. No matter what it is, she says she won't eat unless I make _____, and when I make it, she refuses to eat it. What is she hoping the end result will be? What is her motivation here? I thought it was about controlling me, but even with me acting as her personal chef and waitress, she won't eat and goes off and steals food elsewhere. What should my approach be? I mean, for years I was doing Ok with the "Sorry, kiddo, but I'm not making something different for you" approach and she would eventually give in and eat like everyone else. Now that she has been able to turn the one doctor against me, it is a whole new ballgame. And now I have the added pressure of a new doctor who says she must eat good foods. I feel so totally trapped. Any ideas?

Shari said...

I found your blog listed on the blogroll at the Christian Women Online site. It sounds like you are in for a surprise. I'm sure the Lord has something really neat and exciting for you.

Becks said...

You are a mother, you are an artist in so many ways, you are a friend...

You are God's daughter.

Songs of my heart