Thinking it through

So think on these things...

Thankful for...
Love
loving
being loved
my best friend being my husband
my childrn being beautiful and wonderful to raise
friends who remain even in my absence
success of others
flowers in the garden
veggies germinating in the earth
Mercy and favor from God
Hair on my neck
light in my eyes
ring on my finger
roof overhead
food to feed us
grass to grow
a day off for the children
tools like this to refocus
tanacity to toward boundries
skills to hone
talents to offer
a home of my own
home to offer a santuary to those I love
that finger nails grow back

a cord of three strands not easily broken
ivig to save my bones for this lifetime
gentleness from my darling mate
computer to type on
grief that is healing
The memories of my sweet sister how in her dieing of such a rare thing I am given the gift of extended life.
She was the woman who three years into my recovery came forward asking forgiveness. She said that the things I remembered were true when all of the others denial all but drove me to suicide, she saved my sanity too.

I miss my sister she knew how to commiserate without correction or council just an empathetic ear. I had that joint friendship this week with a wonderful woman my very most intimate friend and it really refreshed my soul.

I think I am real sad, thankful for the gift of sorrow is healing.
I think I am angry and the gift of that anger is power.
I am much more powerful these last months
I am thankful for that.

It has been hard for me to hold fast to who I am and not let another rob it from me.
It feels as if sometimes I am bought. I do not like it! It feels like the old rescue/abusive/victim triangle thing. I am not willing to remain in this tangle this snag. If it were a bad friendship I would remove myself. In this with the details it is not the wise way to go. Too caring of this other to preserve myself.
How you can want something so much yet reality is that it is not different than how it is.

I am vulnerable with my sisters loss. Others remain removed and I am so trying to support, love and give opportunity to a soul to become new. Reality is that accepting others as they are will have a profound effect on how it effects us. Wisdom at times is to bite tongue and love through it. It is life sucking however.
I just treasure a hold on this little life left that I have fought so hard for.
I beome a fog, as it it were as I wished it were, the relationship. It is a madness for it is still yet the same as old for the ingrained triad is so hard to challenge with the love that it takes. With the courage that it takes
For if it is challenged the rescuer then becomes victim martyr. It is so infuriating!

I am thankful that it is for all of this that I endure.
yee haw here comes the holiday season.
I wish it were just the four of us. So much so, no other issues to master.
Kindness is a rule of this old heart that feels so worn of practicing it.