Walking Wounded

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

PTSD and Anxiety distroys the brains natural functions

There is a hope! The severity of the PTSD I live with has caused me to have neurological consequences to living in high flight or fight mode for so many years. Every thing from Stress related memory laps to reactionary ill temperament under stress that leads to depressed feeling of behavior that is not in line with my heart or who I really am.

Yesterday after all the many tests ruling out the other causes it is noted that with 80% or so certainty it is the PTSD that is so ill effected my health.
The VA has known about a dug used for seizure disorders that had an amazing effect well a side effect...it makes the area of the brain that is neurologically associated with the flight fight mechanism ease. This ease in effect gives the brain rest. A rest that can cause the PTSD effects of daily life, memory of events and reactionary adrenalin reactions to calm. Giving the brain a break a rest as it were so that your functioning can become normal to the environment. Funny thing that this is the only side effect other than in 5% of folk a rash can occur.
I am on my second day of the first level of the ladder amount build u that will occur over the next few weeks.

I have never been so able to be so calm. I CAN THINK! In the middle of the kids acting nuts I was able to calming reason and express ideas without reactions or stress build ups. It was so cool!
I am not sedated. It just feels like that storm of stress is backed off.
Thinking and cognitive function is often aided with anti depressants in the other center of the brain that is governed with aids of dopamine. This is different, it is actually calm. Most of the anti anxiety drugs are like narcotic so I would not use them unless I was in a real bad way. So to now I will use both the antidepressant to aid in the dopamine production and uptake , and this other to aid in this neuro chemical. I forgot the name of it.

With Anxiety another area of the brain is enacted. This is rarely addressed. My MD PHYC works a great deal with VETS and has used this treatment for many years. I responded poorly to him a few years ago in my journey thinking that he did not believe me or thought I was crazy because he would not treat me until the dementia was ruled out. He just was being careful not to treat me for something I might not of had. I misunderstood him and was in my wound unable to think clearly with out the suspect mentality of a survivor. The VETS are denied this medication for the manufacturers marketed it for seizure disorders because they can make more money on it so the most of us never learn of it. The VA will not even recognize when he prescribes to his patients that it has this side effect VETS NOT LIVING IN THE PTSD!  Folk like me who do not comet suicide could even heal and be normal in the ability to think function without such a daily struggle.

The medication is lamictal odt
25mg for a week one a day
next week 50mg then wk 3 75 mg and so on until the level is one that has the norm that is acceptable and ease of function restored. I will still have the clonazopine for bad stress episodes.

Now when the brain is left in this stress state...then the stress leaves the relax of the neuro pathways floods it and a migraine happens. This is often what I experience. This is a dream come true and the neurologist will be so very delighted that the damage occurring will be curtailed.

I saw him yesterday. Two days on the lowest dose.
I am so much more myself and who I am in my heart without always feeling like I am fighting to be what my heart says I am. Acting how my heart desired .I was awesome today. Non addictive. It is hoped and has been his experience that the neuro pathways have actually been healed to some degree over a two year period of time. That the brain can actually heal.

There is so much hope.

Friday, December 25, 2009

good news on Eddie and Denise

Christ mas
Miracles are a part of the greatest story ever lived

Dear Ones
A very exhausted over joyed Denise called to tell us all...
Some how :)
Eddie has full conscientiousness.
He is with us cognitively.
His legs yet effected but the seizures did not take him.

He was sitting before her talking to her.

She with all and deepest gratitude thanks each and every one of you for your prayers.
Pray for her heart.
Her sister was unkind, Denise is wounded by the ill treatment that she was shown.

She is however rejoicing as I have instructed her to let her spirit and mind rejoice and worship but to let her body rest and be still.
She has not slept for several days and has also been ill.
I will keep you updated as I am.
Thank you all
Donetta

Christmas Love Prayer...Eddie and Denise need it

Good Morning A Blessed Christmas
Eddie is alive this Morning your prayers were so embraced.

Update

I just received a call from Denise.
The torment of the last few hours has been excruciating for her.
She discribes the events as the worst thing that she has ever seen.

Her sister arrived last night, she is also a diabetic.
Denise ended up in the ER her blood sugar spiked  and she was vomiting .
As soon as she would ease the same thing began with her sister.
Eddie was in a room and she could not get to him for the ER would not let her.
She convienced them not to admit her and to just let her see her husband and that that would ease her distress.
Eddies blood pressure spiked I mean really spiked!
At one point she got released from the ER and got back to him.
He was awake, unable to walk without a walker.
Dragging his legs.
She saw he was sweating so she got a cloth.
As she turned he said that he felt he was going to vomit and just at the very moment he fell back into her arms and began to seize they called in a trauma team and resesitated him.
She was ask to leave the room to a waiting room where her sister then fell ill to high blood sugar levels and DENISE had to car for her.

I have told Denise to ask a nurse to tell her sister to leave.
Eddies people are coming, I told Denise to have the nurse talk with them and tell them that your strength is limited and to not ask her all the details.
I told Denise that each time she repeats it it is like being punched in the heart.

She has not been able to stay with Eddie, only allowed to go in ever few hours.
He has been sleeping she has not seen him conscious sense before the seizures.

I am tempted to take up a fund and see if we can fly me out there and rent a car to be with her.
Steve has off till the 4th. I would have child care. The funding is an issue. I am in Arizona.
Please continue to pray.
I read several of your comments to her a few moments ago and it really strengthened her spirit.
Thank you all for your continued prayers.
Donetta at A Life Uncommon

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Urgent Prayer For Eddie (Love Bug)

I am typing this for Denise of Shortybears Place she is on the phone with me now

Eddie has had a stroke and is in hospital under observation. They were unable to get the stroke medication in time. So far they have done a CAT scan and a MRI and other test are being awaiting . His leg is effected. He is able to speak. This is written at 9:30 p.m. TN time

He is in Memorial Hospital Chattanooga TN. She is alone so if any friends are able please consider coming to her side. He is being moved to room momentarily.


This is written by Donetta of A Life Uncommon and she can be reached through me.

Monday, December 14, 2009

When the walls shake the fault is exposed

At 18 years of life the old folks (my parents) left. I stood there with my boyfriend on the side walk as they drove away. A vow had been made.
18 I am out of here just hang on 18 I am out of here. Get my high school deploma and get away. Well it was they who got away I turned 18 they were done. Finished being parents they just up and moved away to another state, as did my boyfriends folks the very same week.
My boyfriend was the son of a couple that my parents drank with. The two sets of parents paired us off.

After some time I was hired on in a bank that held ties with a friend of a friend of my boyfriends parents.
I had been working there a few months when the phone call came in. A sister in law called me at work to tell me that Bill had died. She was under that understanding he was so wonderful. Bill only ever spoke of me like I was the best kid in the world, because I kept his dirty secrete out of fear of fall out from my parents if I ever upset them.

"Bill is Dead" her voice spoke. 

All I remember is setting the phone down and walking away from my station into the bathroom back by the vault. I was found slamming my head against the tile walls. I had had a mental break down. They all thought it was because I loved dear old uncle bill so much.
I then slipped into using drugs to numb my pain. I went away into the nature and into physical worship, tanning and nutrition health foods. Eventually into relationship with Christ. I met God through the Bibile that she gave me.
At his death the fault line cracked. Just like those monthly earthquakes,  so common during the late 1970's in Southern California, they shook the stock shelves around me. My walls shook and it all came falling to the ground. All the resources for survival, all the crazy mixed up realities of youth were shaken to my core. I lost function and soon lost the job at the bank. My boyfriend and I were together two years. I had worked hard up the ranks to teller. I was emotionally unable to be employed. We moved out to the Desert Hot Springs area. At my teller window a woman named Amelia Curry left a bible. It was my first bible I ever owned. It was the beginning of understanding life's truth.

I saw Heleen many years later after I had married. She was visiting my mom and her husband. She only said one thing to me...this before the memory came a few years later. I thought it so odd of her to say at the time.
She died not long after that. She said "I never slept with him, and I will not sleep with my present boyfriend either.". It was so odd. I thought at the time perhaps she thought I condemned her in my Christianity for cohabitation. She knew I knew bill was evil. She said nothing else to me that visit . That was said outdoors on the way into my moms place. She never spoke another word to me. She died soon after that.

I was always alone in my family and often thought poorly off for not honoring these people.
My own sister was so loved by this man as per her word he was so kind to her. He never harmed her.

Tricky slick evil, confuse the core of the family and no one will ever believe the truth. No one in my family ever knew or believed me once they did know what he did to me.

These people followed us in almost every move we made. Year after year.
This is how the evil works in darkness. Keep the deeds done in darkness and they will be hidden. If a child tries to shine a light folks raise him up on a bussel to shine bright. Never disregard the light of a child.

you can never risk letting anyone care for you or you will be betrayed

So can anyone relate to this?

The roots of such lies run deep and tear up the soil around them when you pull them out.

The very first memory I ever had when I started recovery was dealt with a bit today. It has a lot more work to go. It was the only thing I could remember of my life before 16 years of age. This memory began my recovery some 17+ years ago. Healing happens in layers when you live a youth like mine.

I trusted as a child. It was the first time. A father figure of sorts that my mother allowed to live in our basement with his wife. Now my siblings were at school most of the days, I was home while my mother worked at a Cafe. The wife of the couple worked with my mom I think at the cafe. So the two of them left early. The other kids all were sent off to school. At four years of age I was at home. Hiding in my closet praying that Uncle Bill would not find me.
Now Uncle Bill to a four year old was full of magic and it was in his pocket. Laughter would erupt as we played. He acted so kind and loving I was an innocent child then. All of the other kids only saw this side of Uncle Bill perhaps minus the magic in his pocket.
Left in his care during the day for I think he was on disability or some sort of thing. As a poor child of a single mother with many children this seemed to work out well for the family. Of course my mother felt real obligated to show exceeding gratitude to Uncle Bill and Aunt Helene.
Magic was a real fun time for me for no other father figure ever showed me such attention and delight. One day while in his care he became the son of hell he was hiding under the disguise of a friend.While tending to my bath time demanded I understood the magic. Terrified fighting kicking and backing away on the floor I failed at getting away from him. I was FOUR years old.
That was the very first memory I had in my adulthood. There was nothing good or bad from 16 years of age back until one day when I asked God to show me when I lost my virginity.

Oh the days when my mother would razz me over sleeping in their bed down in the basement.
What she did not know (or would not listen to me when I tried to defend myself) was I had no idea of how I got there early on in the pattern. The mystery was solved one night when I refused to fall asleep. I had just enough of being harassed over something I did not do. It was Bill who would carry me from my bed down those basement steps and put me in their bed. He would molest me while his wife Helene was laying there on the other side of me KNOWING what he was doing. As long as he left her alone she allowed it to happen. I would hide in my closet while the kids left for school. Hoping that he would not find me.

One day after I had fallen asleep in the closet I was lifted out of it by him. He and another son of hell was taking me into the basement. There were what seemed to me crazy  white umbrellas. The men made me drink a nasty drink. I was four years old! I was their star. I could hear them saying that she would not remember any of it. I made a vow that day to force myself to do so. I remembered saying it in my head over and over and over again while horrid things were being done to me under those bright lights. As that son of hell gave direction.

Oh to you sons of hell they remember oh so well.
God remembers too you sons of hell and that is a better place even than what awaits you.

Betrayal of trust is a wound that will heal with help. Message of the lie is not only are you of no value. You do not matter and you better never let your self matter to anyone ever again for betrayal awaits you.

You sons of hell you who destroy the ability of those you hunt with evil intent. You sons of hell.

I win! I remembered and I told on you. God knows. I will now no longer let you succeed in destroying my ability to matter.
I matter. I can take care and risk to matter to others too. You loose you bastards of all that is deviant, devoid of compassion.

Anger offers this gift
power
I take my power back!
I am a powerful woman. My God is so powerful in me that you will never win and I did remember and I did tell on you. That little girl grew up, no thanks to you sons of hell. You loose!

Better it would be for them that a noose would be around their neck and thrown into the deepest sea.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Gaining ground giant steps

  • Gaining a sense of Safety by addressing Attachment Deficient Disorder.
I have lived a life trying to keep myself safe through being set apart. Believing that I never really belonged here on this earth. I thought I was a mistake. I knew about what the scripture had said and that got me through. Faking it until I made it. Faking it to gain the acceptance of the church-ed folk kept me trying to belong. I never really ever felt safe. Although I knew by an act of faith that Jesus accepted and understood all that I was going through. I was broken and it took gaining insight into what that brokenness was to heal or at least begin to heal the ability to let my self attach. To begin to understand that I am safe.
I did keep my self safe many years of many horrid things. God yes was who kept me, but he taught my spirit and soul to do so. I did make it out, but my lack of maturation in the simple ability to bond to truly bond with other was at a broken infantile stage. I am progressing along in this at great speed. You know we perish just because of a lack of knowledge. I never cry and I though about this...I did keep myself safe if I would of cried then it would of been much much worse for me. By not crying I kept safe from more of the wrath that I so wanted away from. Understanding that I am keeping myself safe helps to remove some of the padding I keep around me as a false safety net.
  • Gaining a sense of the self has been addressed by studying the difference between ...living with the idealized dream of life verses the acceptance of the reality called my life. Letting go of the ideal to embrace the reality. Is a very strange concept but it makes perfect sense really. I focused on what I wanted...A Life Someday...Well the question was offered up to me sometime ago.
"When will you know that you have done that?"
Life killed the Ideal that I had. This is not a bad thing. The ideal must die to accept the reality. No matter the reality unless accepted it will nor can it ever be changed. I kept trying to make life adjust into the ideal and it just plane wore me out into despondency.

That really started a rolling of understanding that if I had accomplished that goal I had set out for why did it not look like it. I had this ideal of what my life would look like. I kept that before me both day and night. All those years when all of the horror around me meant to take that promise from me. When beaten, when raped and when tortured. When neglected wishing that my parents might notice me.
"when I grow up I will...give myself a life someday I promise" That literally was a mantra, a place I went into when the body endured what nobody should ever even know about.
Well I would just be perfect and make it perfect. Not to ever let my life be like it was then but the polar opposite.
I had to face a painful blow not unknown to those of us who were dis attached to this world through the lack of bonding into to it due to abuse.
Because the life I fought so hard for was not that ideal I kept pushing on trying to make it look like that (I think this is a great root of much of the dissatisfaction in the world that leads to many a divorce).
The Ideal verses the reality

I succeeded in giving me that life someday that I promised. I am a wife of 27 years to a wonderful man who is imperfect (no you can not create them into what the ideal wants them to be). Often they have their own ideal to let go of.  I have two great kids (yes I so failed the ideal) . I wish I were so much better a mom. That my children were better mannered ect. I have perfected the art of homemaking into a science, it is still not the ideal. Reality is that it is what it is a wonderfully imperfect home. Now I can rest, before...no never was it good enough. I had to either kill myself with effort or exhausted feel like I was a failure. All because I could not measure up to an Ideal.
Reality is My family is not an ideal (close to it HA smile) no really I had this value assessed to moral codes and such. Being married my husband  always felt he let me down in this/ I think many mates feel terrible about not measuring up to a persons ideal they really want to please us but they also really just want acceptance too.  The kids must of felt this way too to some degree. Mom Me came off like a prude in order to just try to form this Idealized view of what a family of my dreams will look like. It made them all a bit miserable and truly and unintentionally unaccepted. Oh what if we were embarrassed by the judgments of others we then constrain each other into little robots of acceptable performance.
Learning to take action once reality is accepted to create what you desire it to become. As best as your able too. I have a life and I have accomplished it.
Where change is needed it can be accomplished from a proper motive.
I have struggled to be the best wife, homemaker, mom that I can be. I wanted to be the best friend but it never looked like it did in my mind...the idealized image that one day I would attain if I just fought for it.

Thankfully life is to be lived not fought through.
Yet in doing so the idealized view no longer serves us once we live and let go of just surviving.
The stress that striving for that ideal, the damage to my self view as a failure no matter how hard I tried.
Now I am free to see my true success and learn to accept my true failures. In this context however failure is just another opportunity to set a mission to become more competent in this life.
  • Gaining affiliation. Striving for a sense of affiliation a sense of belonging. Believing the lie that "no one will ever be there for me to "take Care of me" no matter how hard I search to find that. It is not the job of anyone to take care of me. It is true that holding onto that childhood wish for someone to care about me crippled me. It set me up as a failed friend for I could never really be autonomous in friendship. It is in letting go of that lie that the truth is...It is I who must learn to take care of me. It is also for you not me to take care of you.
I did not know how to take care of me. I faked it through out my many years of adulthood. But secretly longed for a someone anyone who would care for me and feed me and tend to me like a parent might. Of course this is not reality. Although through  many events of my adult hood friends have loved me. This was always the only time I could ever cry. Literally when someone came to care for the kids after a surgery or injury I would feel so ashamed. I knew that it was embarrassing and immature to want it. Certainly there was nothing wrong in receiving the help given. It always felt however like a deep need filled that confused me.

I understood the years of looking at others to see how they did life. I would watch folks that I admired. Always looking as it were for a mentor of sorts. Once or twice asking for one only to see human nature take over in them and it go to their heads. I would be left feeling like I had really embarrassed myself and I'll never ask again.
Recently I asked a wonderful friend and she did not treat me like some unintelligent child. She told me what her morning routine looked like. Step by step. See I had figured a lot out in my 48 years but there were voids that I had left as insignificant for they had to do with taking care of me. Or simple self care things that I had never witnessed as a part of family daily routine.
I never really had an example of that growing up. It just became a part of who I am or was.
For a week I tried to do it like another and for the first time I saw an amazing change in my stress level, the quality in my parenting was wonderful. Morning became relaxed and fun. All because of an example of what it looked like to take care of myself in the morning.

I belong to me.
I need me to be here for myself.
Loving others as Jesus loved me...I have loved others with such intensity. Imagine if I learn to love my own self like that? What if I were as accepting of my own flaws, what if it changed those dark secrete criticisms I have over others that I often feel so ashamed and guilty for. That is just a reflection of how I am not accepting of my own soul. Pretty profound stuff.
There was always a Vail as it were between me and the world, the people in it. Even those in my a mediate family. My husband and children too. If I let them in?
There have been times in my life of boundlessness that have left me vulnerable. Who was there for me then? Not me.  See it effects things pretty basic.

  • Gaining a sense of Mission.  Behold all things become new. It is not just something to count on as a promise of scripture. It is a promise to act on. Faking becoming new through actions only is not the same as the heart change of really becoming new. It takes work. Hard honest work. Facing the way we are and why. Then learning who we long to be and how to do it. Then being willing to do the work to do so. What is your purpose?  It has been my mission to become whole. 
  • Gaining Competency in what really is most important. Learning how to love me the way God loves me so that I can show others that love. Learning what that looks and feels like is the best success I can achieve.
Now I finished this post. It was my mission to set out to do so. Now I better go join my wonderful friend  my husband as he sleeps taking care of his own self. I need to go care for my own self and sleep. I am an important person here. Many are counting on me in the morrow including me. I will be here for me. I need to sleep and to be safe from the stress that the lack there of can bring.

Good night and be blessed.
May this help another.
One day may it help my children to better understand those early years when Mom was always stressed out trying so hard to make everything just right. Always feeling so bad about not doing a good enough job at some ideal she had fostered.
May they see the importance of working within the reality you own. It is in owning it that you can cause it to become what it is longed to be. It is in owning it that limitations can become opportunities for the unknown to open up a whole new world. Changing our destiny into who we were created to be.



Safety
Sense of self
Affiliation
Mission
Competency

When life killed the dream (fantacy) you dreamed *a partial understanding

This post was written and put on hold for the lesson was at that time yet incomplete and this was written on 11-28-2009from a perspective of partial understanding

 a new post to come


I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living,
So different now from what it seemed...
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed...



see post below this post for reference




It is in the ashes and the restoration that the realities of all that we had hoped that our lives might one day become the reality of what we are able to create our lives to be; when those dreams collide they must be assessed and wept over.


I dreamed that I would have a family around the tree at Christmas, the children gathered at the stove or table top. 
I dreamed of the motherhood I so longed for. To do opposite of that which was done to me. I envisioned a home that was decorated just so or a marriage that was pictured in a surrealist view. 


When compared are lives do seem surrealistic to what we made way out of yet...so may of the things we made vow that we would not do or would not become or allow.
We often marry repeating patterns are at best often the pendulum swing making every earnest effort to stop the cycle.


When we find that we have not met those dreams despite every effort and good intention we then must come to see that we have changed our lot as best as able.
Often though without knowledge folk perish.


Reality is that you take your road as far right as possible but without those milestones of youth and young adult hood, without the heritage limitations exist.
Attachment is a struggle. In every life marriages take two and both have hearts that are broken some shattered at best. 
We marry children in essence in grown bodies trying to play adult with every good intention.
Dreams shattered.
Choice.

Choice then is what do we do when we have realized that the life we have now is so different from that image that we fixed our gaze on too to survive.
Dreams are often a star to set focus a gaze while the view before you is unbearable.
Recovering means acceptance.
Acceptance is one of the final steps of grief.


We shift our gaze then from a star a point of focus to endure to a wide angle lens and live.



I see my children now half grown.
Although I have done my God proud I grieve that I have not done my dream better.
He calls to me to see that I have a loss to grieve.
Wounds that I cause them when my words do not match the vision I saw in my heart of what I would say or how I would say it.

That "hell" that we live.
My very heart broken that I do not do those things I long to do and that I do those very things I do not want to do.

With everything we are pushing onto creating; all we long and desire to become.
God sets that force in motion and causes us to become.
It is in His time however that there is peace.

We must actually accept who we are.
Including the limitations that provoke a sort of "hell" within our hearts.
That vision not walking out; as we had so many hours in our youth fantasized over.

A torment that makes us pine and grieve over what we would hoped it could of been.


This is witnessed in those hearts turned hard against a spouse when the dream is hindered or an expectation unmet.
Against our selves when we do not fulfill expectations of who or how we might wish we could or would of been.
Longing to be able to handle any given situation.


My life lived idealized.
Now twenty seven years married and many opportunities to fight so hard against the hindrances those walls that made me kick and claw.
It was my effort to form an architectural design that was a fantasy of my youth.


My life is good yes.
There is though a "hell" within even me.


Where the life I lived... killed the chance for so many dreams.
Yet most of those dreams now are altered.
They were, have been and are revised into something strange and frustrating at times.
Reality is nothing like as it seems.
Idealized life is not reality.

When I say that I am trying to say I can not change what is.
It is the illusion the fantasy that must be cleared from the view.
The idealized notions that leave great mounds of expectations upon myself to fulfill them.
I am to be content in all things.
Then that being the master plan of true happiness how then can I remain discontent because the life I hold looks do differently then what I had hoped it might of become.


An example of this is as in any union there is give and take.


In my vertual reality within my own mind the goals that I spent a lifetime to achieve have little value to those who I thought might have been made happy by them.
I thought in my vision that creating and acquiring a home and an estate was the goal of a union of many years. 
All that accomplished in your late forties  dreams change and unless the idealized life you wished and fought all your life for is achieved one often can become embittered or as in my case left without a dream. This I suppose is much kinder than those horrid consequences of bitterness. 
Even so the loss of that dream can take all wind from ones sail.


A fresh wind is to breath into what is, who we are.
Accepting my own limitations. 
Letting go of idealizing life and grabbing hold of the reality of what life is.
In so doing those walls we kick  become those walls that give us borders. 
Perhaps to tear them down would leave a shipwreck.
This I have witnessed over and over.
We must not only accept who we are in reality but also our spouse and children.
This one is the hardest for us as parents.
What if the lessons we wished we had taught, or what if my husband did not allow them to burp at the table
:)
Would the manners behoove them more than the family humor?
I let go.
It is a grief when as parents those errors or ideals are witnessed as faulting concepts of good intentions.
This must be grieved and let go.

If not.
If not then we must blame. 
We will either blame our self or our spouse for example.
Blame however is a tool of division.
Accepting the loss and moving on removes that strife.
Strife is more harmful than a burp at the table.


It has been our efforts to address strife.
To flee from it and learn to be at peace with all men, especially our enemies
:)


Sometimes I feel lost without the idealized life I thought I would be living at this phase of my life...
It is I think in not letting go of the idealized image and grabbing hold with acceptance of the reality of my life that I find myself lost without direction.


Reality accepted is flush and full of direction and adventure.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Identifying the lies that were ingrained in youth

When I was 16 years old I became very ill. Days had passed no food, and then too many days without fluids.

My mom and dad let me lay on the sofa for days until I was almost dead LITERALLY. They would give me a drink and leave for work in the morning. It is a long painfully lonely story of neglect. Then they found me almost comatose and  took me to the hospital in the dark of night when they had gotten  home from closing the family business. They were afraid they would be in trouble with the law. I could hear them from the front seat talking.
not that i might die..."oh my God", she said "we could loose her!"

You see they were done being parents but I was still a child.


I was a nuisance to them. 
The message that the darkness implanted deep into my soul.
To this day (well maybe yesterday) I have believed this.


I believed that lie that I was a bother and that I was not worth the bother.
That no one would ever take care of me. That I was not worth being taken care of,
I lived my whole life wishing that someone would just take care of me. It was a fantasy that left me medically abused even.

Then I just resigned that it would never happen.
LIES
It is for me to learn how to do that for me. Because I had no example I have to learn how and let go of fantasy it is for me to care for me.

When I was dieing in the hospital there was a nurse that touched my forehead and said

"You gotta fight honey, come on fight"

I wanted life to just let me go
When I get tired sometimes I just want life to let me go
Not suicide ; just giving up resigned like when I was a girl to just go into that numb place where the thirst and hunger did not hurt anymore.
I have fought like that nurse said all these years.
I do not want to fight anymore against that feeling, I want to remove it
replace it with the true caring I have to learn...to really take care of me for me
not just for everyone else.





This is what I am working on this week in the EMDR and setting up a memory that has only good to it.

 Have a thought a place to think of when the remembering gets hard or life is a bit too stressful


Yesterday my Therapst asked if I have a mentor. Well all my days I just watched others and learned from those I admired or who seemed to have what I needed . 

I felt shamed if I asked for insight from others like 
"don't you know that!?" 
So I stopped asking.

Yesterday a person came to mind and I asked her.

What does it look like to take care of yourself?
What is your morning like how do you start your day?


She lead me through her morning.
Get up turn water on to heat while you use the rest room, wash hands then wash face with the warm cloth. Brush hair and teeth then go to do the tasks.

Well I have always just gotten up out of bed and went into the kitchen and began fixing lunches  and feeding the family. By the time everyone was out the door stressed and exhausted. I would then go to the rest room. Hair in a tangle feel ugly and a mess about myself.


I did not have an example of how it looked. I AM 48! 
Just now asking and seeing without shame how to do it. It worked this morning so well. I have my children out the door hair combed and faces washed they fussed a bit but they are cared for and I have been a great mom they are always fed I just never knew that rutien. It is so embarrassing to admit. I must not be the only one out there who was not shown these things.  I hope this helps someone else. It is alright to learn. 

I am very skilled at homemaking, and at being a wife and mother. Just never learned how to take care of me. All these years wasted feeling shame about how fat I am or how bad my hair looked or such...never seeing that I simply (even so not so simple) did not know HOW to take care of me.

Songs of my heart