the courage to meet the demands of reality

This is a wonderful book to learn how to be human with a thriving adult ability.
A good read ya all.

Well I have been idle sitting by until I was ready to post.
I am getting better.
Here are the beginning steps to the EMDR process.
Once I began to establish a life time line or the event time line the next phase is for me to...

I looked to the ways that I comforted myself and found most of those were harmful and I often denied or felt guilty for those things healthy that did comfort me.

I have learned that I love beauty and MUST create it, I love music and it fills and moves me to center. Gaining understanding and knowledge groves me and seeing life form and grow is all encompassing .
When a seed emerges from the earth it is as if all the hardship passes in that instant.

This week the contemplation is on
Learning what my inner resources are...
I need to have compassion on my own self as I do for the others around me, I need to be trustworthy to my own self as I am to others and I must gain the courage to gain more ground.



EMDR is helping me to get set up through the identifying of some of the faulty messages I have absorbed through the traumas.

I see now that the anxiety stress PTSD is really causing so many of the memory and other problems that leave me behaving and thinking other than how and who I really am.
I am trusting in myself to succeed and uprooting out these lies I have believed.
Trusting myself to have boundaries that protect myself as well.
Giving myself the comfort of those things that sooth my soul.
Avoid all the things that are the false comforts, or at least seeing then for what they are.

I am on my way.

EMDR

In answer to many of your questions this is what I found on the site of my therapist

What is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)…

This is a powerful therapy developed originally to assist Vietnam Vets with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It has proven to be helpful with not only PTSD, but also anxiety and panic disorder as well as negative thinking and beliefs. Studies have shown positive use for the therapy in the areas of headache management as well. It is being used to obtain greater creativity and even improved performance in various fields.

EMDR is usually combined with "talk therapy", such as other treatments mentioned in this section, for maximum results. When EMDR is successful the results are astonishing and many people have noticed shifts in their feelings that they didn't think possible. I am an EMDRIA Certified Therapist (please refer to www.emdria.org) with extensive ongoing, updated training.

EMDR

It is kicking my butt!
Monday we continued with the time line and then settled on the grid of Deaths I have experienced. Many were suicides. I have a lot of beliefs about many of those who took their own lives...some I felt somehow like I could have or should have been able to do something to help them. There were the deaths of friends who were left powerless...if only I would of defended them somehow. Stood up and fought for their rights (one in particulate was a friend of 18 years).

There are so many undones in so many of these lives that were abruptly cut short.

It has been a hard day with all this locked up inside until tonight finally a demanded moment with my husband.

I really don'
t know if I can do this EDMR work and be able to keep the pace up of my life. I think things are giving like dishes and laundry clean but not put away....Threads are coming together of my childhood memories. A drunk driving accident to a relative when I was around 6 I think. Just after my brother T. was told to leave. It was he or the new dad...mom choose the new dad. suppose that she had to feed us.

So the false beliefs are what bubbles up. Even though they are false they still hit me in the belly and tack out my core. That is what we work on soon with the EMDR so as to replace it with a new belief...

If I could of just helped Rusty Kilcollins boyfriend and common law for 4+ years, Mary Margrett Mc Guire best friend for 10+ years, Leann Sunburry friend of 20 years, Jason W. W. nephew ...if....if ....and the others...so my mind needs to be restored. They all had a choice and made those choices for them self. Suicide.

Heather Jacubs off the cliff days after in exasperation I wished the little child from down the street would just stop chattering for one moment...never to hear her speak again....

A deserted widow used up by evil so called christian...Marjorie Huff best friend for 18 years, I wish so bad I would of stood up to them!

Well I have a lot of work to do on the loss through death. Carolyn's Murder has been addressed some yet the event needs to still be worked through.
Including my unborn child I did do a lot of truth and soul searching healing there. 3 parents and several various others.

The beliefs that have lingered in me have left so many raw wounds....I just do not know how I can do this.

My husband echos discomfort for a little season or the rest of your life?

Never assume your child is safe, keep them safe!

My heart goes out to the parents for their terrible loss

Sunday school teacher to face death in child's killing

Melissa Huckaby, 28, was indicted last month in the death of Sandra Cantu, a playmate of Huckaby's daughter. Huckaby lived in the same mobile home park as Cantu and her family in Tracy, California.

Sandra's body was found April 6, stuffed into a suitcase and submerged in a pond at a dairy farm. She was last seen alive March 27 in the mobile home park.

Huckaby is charged with kidnapping and murdering Sandra, according to the indictment, along with lewd and lascivious acts on a child under 14 and rape by instrument. She pleaded not guilty in June, but entered another not guilty plea on Thursday at a hearing, minutes of which were provided to CNN by a court spokeswoman.

Prosecutors said at the hearing Thursday they plan to seek the death penalty.

Please just because it is Church do not assume that your child is safe. My very best friend had her abuse happen at church. Her parents let their guard down. It is so easy to assume that your child is safe and that your free do go do your own thing. I believe as parents we need to lay that "right" down.

Clean up duty

I love a good fight...
but the question is
are you fighting to punish
or to make a change?
Gandhi

I heard this question tonight...It is a very pertinent question.

a "grown up" punishes
an "Adult" makes a change

I desired to not be like them...my offenders.
With all my heart I want that.

Asked a question the other day
"just when will I know that I have given myself a life"
that being my mantra in the days of youth...

I see a bit more clearly my next phase...
My offenders were Grown ups...as defined

• Grown up (little person in a big body )

betrayal
Scary
mean
secretive
Out of control
powerful
liars
unhappy
Manipulators
absent
nasty
hateful
self-consumed
wicked
angry
Pretend

So I asked myself what is it I am fighting for?
And found a disturbing answer.

I want to punish because I am angry, out of control unhappy about being secretive about how I feel when my reality is dismissed.
I pretend that I am not hurt and that makes me a liar.
It keeps me absent , self consumed.
I then become a scary manipulator,
threatening absence

I read this on a class paper of years ago

We defend our dishonesty on the premise that it might hurt others.
I have rationalized my phoniness into nobility.
So I settled for a non intimate relationship with her.


I wanted to punish my sister for all those long ago unacknowledged hurts.
I am being mean.
My God how much I must of hurt her over all these years as well.
How betrayed must she feel?
very I am sure
I can justify myself till I am blue in the face
two wrongs do not make a right!
I have actually been nasty and hateful by wanting to punish.
It is time to scrub these hands clean!

In my "grown up" way all I could see was how bad I was hurt.
I have rationalized my phoniness into nobility.
So I settled for a non intimate relationship with her.

Wow that is pretty Wicked!
That is what is tearing me up!
I am acting like them!
I just can't stand that in my heart!

Clean hands and a pure heart demand me to challenge myself here.

Dang!
I'm pulling up the big boots here!

song lyric...
Out on the outskirts of my freedoms
I was looking for fences that would keep me in
and I found there were none.
Where did my heart go?
Where have I been ?
He opened my eyes to the heart ache and lies
and I closed them again.
And I want to go home to my Father .
I want to be part of where
my heart says I belong.
I want to wash my weary feet in living water.
I been away way too long
I want to go home.

• Adult (Integrity, asking the precious child, protective, caring, committed, unconditional love, loyal)

Steadfast
safe
kind, gentle
open,honest
self-assured
powerful
truthful,consistent
content, Happy
Negotiators
reliable
chaste, good
loving
giving
Pure,good
Angry, respectful
Reality.

I know that in many ways I am an adult.
It is time I start learning more though about acting like one.

So Sis if your reading this well...
I am sorry for such a poor show of love.
I am sorry for how terribly I hurt you.
We both have to become more adult to each other.
I own that.
I am not going to pull away from you to punish
it is not my job to punish anyone.
I do so hope though to continue to fight for change,
in myself and in our relationship.

Now... to grow up and say this to your face .
I am so tired of letting that scary powerful mean
"grown up"
intimidate me from becoming your friend.
Every time I feel betrayed.
You must feel that way too.

Why here?
why public?
because this is my blog

This is my way of giving back
I do so hope that this journey can make your path
have fewer stones to stumble on.

As always your prayers made a difference in my life today
Thank you with all my washed hands and heart.

Empowering the Adult

• Grown up (little person in a big body )

betrayal
Scary
mean
secretive
Out of control
powerful
liars
unhappy
Manipulators
absent
nasty
hateful
self-consumed
wicked
angry
Pretend

• Adult (Integrity, asking the precious child, protective, caring, committed, unconditional love, loyal)

Steadfast
safe
kind, gentle
open,honest
self-assured
powerful
truthful,consistent
content, Happy
Negotiators
reliable
chaste, good
loving
giving
Pure,good
Angry, respectful
Reality.


Hint when and where your behaviors catch you being a "grown up" look to the Adult behavior that is opposing and do it. Apologize. own it! and go on. Look at those adult attributes some education is in order. HOW? for example do you negotiate?

so transparency?

I could use your prayers today.
I have been storming around here so angry!
Every where I look it is a mess everything I do is undone and the heat is killing my garden and all that hard work I did out there.
I feel more like a "grown up" than an "adult" today.

I stood up and spoke up and out and now am so angry that I am needing to do so.
How much easier it seams to be plastic and pretend and put up with injustice and coy and subtle meanness than it seams to be to just ignore and pretend and overlook tolerate. I try to understand to feel life in the shoe that is on their foot.

I really can understand why we may not stand up for ourselves. People we love do not see but from their own perspective. We might stand up only to leave them baffled oh it is so crazy making and yet somewhere in me I know that truth is know even if it is pretended not to be.

I heard a philosophy program speak of the three fundamental things that some thought we as humans need

our needs met/security
affiliation/ friendship
freedom

(there is also mission and competency)

it is strange but I believe it a true thing... that to hold these three in balance we must loose them... at least let go of some of them ...to gain a higher quality of others.

Freedom for example to a survivor means to have truth and have friendships based in being able to be FREE to be real. No more prisons of never telling at fear of retribution. That was the very core power they used over us to keep us silent.

to be REAL however risks that very freedom!

Freedom from the pretense is something I let go of to have the affiliation and give that affiliation...now, to be real risks that very affiliation but gains me a freedom...

To every thing there is a price and the price of my freedom to be real is fellowship with those that denied me the very truth of what happened in my childhood. I do not want to pay that price nor can I change any other than my own self. Perhaps there are other options that I am blind of?
I learned that I have only left one who I have never forwardly stood up too...I have always feared this persons control, victim/offender/rescuer switch slick and seamless. I have loved them most for they were the one who was taught to be an offender by the leaders and those over us.
Thinking the best of them and only wanting the best for them. Loving them so much as to keep their secretes. Knowing things alone in the silence of my mind is maddening. Forgiving those things left secrete has been hard but having to pretend within the company of said soul is killing me!
I am so angry about all of this and the choices I am faced with how I am too cowardly to stand up face to face and lay it out. Yet never really wanting to risk harming them...codependent? Forbearing? Angry about tolerating a presence yes. I hate pretense! Yet I hate more the thought of causing hardship to one whom I love.

Now I know as one who has walked this road I am not alone in this termoil of soul of free choice. So to all of you to all of us who try to walk this fine line of kindness and self preservation I appalaud you in your attemps of not letting them make you like them.

Every event of my childhood that was the mantra that kept me alive and from becoming an offender too. If it were not for us this world would be all savage.
I can understand what happened to Sodom and Gammora it is amazing that lot got out!

It is my MISSION to get out! to not look back for every time I do I just freeze up like lots wife and turn to stone to terrified of loss to walk away not looking back to those I love. It kills me the thought of all those souls gowing up in a blaze of utter frutility.

I fall short over and over in the compitency of this for I so long to reach out to those who are set to fry. This in leaving me so inraged and angry and removed from so many whom I love. Not just one but many if there be fall out over my fight to be free of this pretence that my childhood never happened! To many know the truth even if they are mute to tell it.