Walking Wounded

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Clean up duty

I love a good fight...
but the question is
are you fighting to punish
or to make a change?

Gandhi


I heard this question tonight...It is a very pertinent question.

a "grown up" punishes
an "Adult" makes a change

I desired to not be like them...my offenders.
With all my heart I want that.


Asked a question the other day
"just when will I know that I have given myself a life"

that being my mantra in the days of youth...

I see a bit more clearly my next phase...
My offenders were Grown ups...as defined

  • Grown up (little person in a big body )
betrayal
Scary
mean
secretive
Out of control
powerful
liars
unhappy
Manipulators
absent
nasty
hateful
self-consumed
wicked
angry
Pretend


So I asked myself what is it I am fighting for?
And found a disturbing answer.


I want to punish because I am angry, out of control unhappy about being secretive about how I feel when my reality is dismissed.
I pretend that I am not hurt and that makes me a liar.
It keeps me absent , self consumed.
I then become a scary manipulator,

threatening absence

I read this on a class paper of years ago

We defend our dishonesty on the premise that it might hurt others.
I have rationalized my phoniness into nobility.
So I settled for a non intimate relationship with her.


I wanted to punish my sister for all those long ago unacknowledged hurts.
I am being mean.
My God how much I must of hurt her over all these years as well.
How betrayed must she feel?
very I am sure
I can justify myself till I am blue in the face
two wrongs do not make a right!
I have actually been nasty and hateful by wanting to punish.
It is time to scrub these hands clean!

In my "grown up" way all I could see was how bad I was hurt.
I have rationalized my phoniness into nobility.
So I settled for a non intimate relationship with her.

Wow that is pretty Wicked!
That is what is tearing me up!
I am acting like them!
I just can't stand that in my heart!

Clean hands and a pure heart demand me to challenge myself here.

Dang!
I'm pulling up the big boots here!

song lyric...
Out on the outskirts of my freedoms
I was looking for fences that would keep me in
and I found there were none.

Where did my heart go?
Where have I been ?
He opened my eyes to the heart ache and lies
and I closed them again.

And I want to go home to my Father .
I want to be part of where
my heart says I belong
.

I want to wash my weary feet in living water.
I been away way too long
I want to go home.

  • Adult (Integrity, asking the precious child, protective, caring, committed, unconditional love, loyal)
Steadfast
safe
kind, gentle
open,honest
self-assured
powerful
truthful,consistent
content, Happy
Negotiators
reliable
chaste, good
loving
giving
Pure,good
Angry, respectful
Reality.

I know that in many ways I am an adult.
It is time I start learning more though about acting like one.

So Sis if your reading this well...
I am sorry for such a poor show of love.
I am sorry for how terribly I hurt you.
We both have to become more adult to each other.
I own that.
I am not going to pull away from you to punish
it is not my job to punish anyone.

I do so hope though to continue to fight for change,
in myself and in our relationship.


Now... to grow up and say this to your face .
I am so tired of letting that scary powerful mean
"grown up"
intimidate me from becoming your friend.

Every time I feel betrayed.
You must feel that way too.

Why here?
why public?

because this is my blog

This is my way of giving back
I do so hope that this journey can make your path
have fewer stones to stumble on.

As always your prayers made a difference in my life today
Thank you with all my washed hands and heart.

5 comments:

debbie said...

hello my friend,
God does work in mysterious ways.
just tonight my mother told me i have just as well murdered amy because i brought hospice in......i didn't bring hospice in.....amy asked to talk to one of the nurses while she was at the clinic.....then amy, my dh and me talked about it............
if you haven't watched a child, even though she is 33 years old, suffer in pain and nausea and has an inoperable tumor crushing her trachea and spine and then call the mother of this child a murder because i call in hospice.......she has bullied me all my life but tonight created a wound that may not heal.....i am the one that is always saying i am sorry...........the peace maker....well as a dear friend told me these things don't edify Christ and she is right...........it is about God and Amy....not anyone else.
thank you for listening and i hope everything works out with your sister.....a sister is such a valuable gift from God. and there are truly more sisters that don't get a long than those that do. i shall pray that this is the year of restoration for sisters.
your article is awesome
angel hugs
love
debbie

Corey~living and loving said...

Thinking of you Donetta. so much work you are doing.

Annette said...

I love you....
Well be praying and keeping you in prayers, your so brave to lay it all out there, but you got your bravery from our Lord.
LOVE YA BUNCHES~
Annette

Michele Williams said...

Very powerful my friend. God is truly amazing! Such healing in your words. Blessings my friend.

Jeriann said...

Thinking about you today. I hope that all is well, that your garden is good, that your flock is happy, and most of all that your loved ones are peaceful. I love your heart. I learn from the words that you put out there.

Songs of my heart