Walking Wounded

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

so transparency?

I could use your prayers today.
I have been storming around here so angry!
Every where I look it is a mess everything I do is undone and the heat is killing my garden and all that hard work I did out there.
I feel more like a "grown up" than an "adult" today.

I stood up and spoke up and out and now am so angry that I am needing to do so.
How much easier it seams to be plastic and pretend and put up with injustice and coy and subtle meanness than it seams to be to just ignore and pretend and overlook tolerate. I try to understand to feel life in the shoe that is on their foot.

I really can understand why we may not stand up for ourselves. People we love do not see but from their own perspective. We might stand up only to leave them baffled oh it is so crazy making and yet somewhere in me I know that truth is know even if it is pretended not to be.

I heard a philosophy program speak of the three fundamental things that some thought we as humans need

our needs met/security
affiliation/ friendship

(there is also mission and competency)

it is strange but I believe it a true thing... that to hold these three in balance we must loose them... at least let go of some of them ...to gain a higher quality of others.

Freedom for example to a survivor means to have truth and have friendships based in being able to be FREE to be real. No more prisons of never telling at fear of retribution. That was the very core power they used over us to keep us silent.

to be REAL however risks that very freedom!

Freedom from the pretense is something I let go of to have the affiliation and give that affiliation...now, to be real risks that very affiliation but gains me a freedom...

To every thing there is a price and the price of my freedom to be real is fellowship with those that denied me the very truth of what happened in my childhood. I do not want to pay that price nor can I change any other than my own self. Perhaps there are other options that I am blind of?
I learned that I have only left one who I have never forwardly stood up too...I have always feared this persons control, victim/offender/rescuer switch slick and seamless. I have loved them most for they were the one who was taught to be an offender by the leaders and those over us.
Thinking the best of them and only wanting the best for them. Loving them so much as to keep their secretes. Knowing things alone in the silence of my mind is maddening. Forgiving those things left secrete has been hard but having to pretend within the company of said soul is killing me!
I am so angry about all of this and the choices I am faced with how I am too cowardly to stand up face to face and lay it out. Yet never really wanting to risk harming them...codependent? Forbearing? Angry about tolerating a presence yes. I hate pretense! Yet I hate more the thought of causing hardship to one whom I love.

Now I know as one who has walked this road I am not alone in this termoil of soul of free choice. So to all of you to all of us who try to walk this fine line of kindness and self preservation I appalaud you in your attemps of not letting them make you like them.

Every event of my childhood that was the mantra that kept me alive and from becoming an offender too. If it were not for us this world would be all savage.
I can understand what happened to Sodom and Gammora it is amazing that lot got out!

It is my MISSION to get out! to not look back for every time I do I just freeze up like lots wife and turn to stone to terrified of loss to walk away not looking back to those I love. It kills me the thought of all those souls gowing up in a blaze of utter frutility.

I fall short over and over in the compitency of this for I so long to reach out to those who are set to fry. This in leaving me so inraged and angry and removed from so many whom I love. Not just one but many if there be fall out over my fight to be free of this pretence that my childhood never happened! To many know the truth even if they are mute to tell it.

1 comment:

Annette said...

Gosh, I love you and your bravery and that beautiful heart of yours!
I'm with you in prayer and thoughts my sweet friend!
Love & Hugs~

Songs of my heart