It is kicking my butt!
Monday we continued with the time line and then settled on the grid of Deaths I have experienced. Many were suicides. I have a lot of beliefs about many of those who took their own lives...some I felt somehow like I could have or should have been able to do something to help them. There were the deaths of friends who were left powerless...if only I would of defended them somehow. Stood up and fought for their rights (one in particulate was a friend of 18 years).
There are so many undones in so many of these lives that were abruptly cut short.
It has been a hard day with all this locked up inside until tonight finally a demanded moment with my husband.
I really don'
t know if I can do this EDMR work and be able to keep the pace up of my life. I think things are giving like dishes and laundry clean but not put away....Threads are coming together of my childhood memories. A drunk driving accident to a relative when I was around 6 I think. Just after my brother T. was told to leave. It was he or the new dad...mom choose the new dad. suppose that she had to feed us.
So the false beliefs are what bubbles up. Even though they are false they still hit me in the belly and tack out my core. That is what we work on soon with the EMDR so as to replace it with a new belief...
If I could of just helped Rusty Kilcollins boyfriend and common law for 4+ years, Mary Margrett Mc Guire best friend for 10+ years, Leann Sunburry friend of 20 years, Jason W. W. nephew ...if....if ....and the others...so my mind needs to be restored. They all had a choice and made those choices for them self. Suicide.
Heather Jacubs off the cliff days after in exasperation I wished the little child from down the street would just stop chattering for one moment...never to hear her speak again....
A deserted widow used up by evil so called christian...Marjorie Huff best friend for 18 years, I wish so bad I would of stood up to them!
Well I have a lot of work to do on the loss through death. Carolyn's Murder has been addressed some yet the event needs to still be worked through.
Including my unborn child I did do a lot of truth and soul searching healing there. 3 parents and several various others.
The beliefs that have lingered in me have left so many raw wounds....I just do not know how I can do this.
My husband echos discomfort for a little season or the rest of your life?