But... He's done nothing wrong.

Good Easter Morning to all of you.

I awoke before the dawn within a dream.

I was in a high powered office building. I had been at a conference table at the end. It was hard to hear the lead counsel for he was at the far end and I strained to listen. I found myself in the lobby looking for the rest room. I discovered by accident a seamstress boutique. I entered. It was wonderful. There was soft music playing and the fabrics were so beautiful. I stood and took it in. Then I was approached by the proprietor Who was very suspicious yet eager to please my money out of my pocket.
She lead me over to a group of ladies looking at fine silkens that were intended for bustia's and undergarments. I admired the fabrics rich texture and colors and then offered to share my knowledge of color analysis. The proprietor then refused such information and dismissed it as faulty knowledge she did not subscribe too, and walked away.
I again searched out to find a rest room and entered. In stream I looked up as she opened the door with her suspicious key. She began accusing me of thieving from her. I said that I just needed to relieve myself and that was all I was doing. She then called a man in to guard her and I was exposed innocent and embarrassed. Her accusations continued. I emptied my purse that was a very small, then and she opened the small lip gloss of ointment and polluted it with her touch.
Then she ruffed me up and proceeded to throw me out of her shop but she had taken my sewing machine and it was scattered on the ground as I learched to protected it the man and the other was damaging it. I called it my singer (however in real life I use a Phaff). It was not mine. I just thought it was in the dream.
Then I awoke. I was angry because I had done nothing wrong.

Those who have so much to lose will be threatened by our innocence. Just as they were by Christ Jesus. He had done nothing wrong. Look what they did to him. Only He did not open his mouth to defend himself.

I have been very angry. I had done nothing (?) wrong. Yet I am letting go of this house because we can not or choose not to afford to live here any longer. This is a fine luxurious home. Yet I have always felt deep inside that I did not really belong here and that it was temporary. I have been angry about the upheaval of my life. The loss of time with my children (who I had waited so long to have). Angry with God, who has done nothing wrong. Angry with my husband, who has done nothing wrong. Angry because I am suffering discomfort although temporary I grumble. I thought of those Israelites being let free from bondage and in their discomfort they grumbled! I do want to enter in to our promised land. I do not want to annoy my leader (in this case my husband) into utter frustration with me. I do not want him to miss out on entering in because I exasperate him to sin.
It is our dream, it is for us to reinvent ourselves into a life of what we honestly afford. A home without mortgage. A home that is an absolute privileged to even dream of owning, yet it is hard for the rich to enter into the kingdom of heaven...I am getting a little glimpse of what that might mean. Like the tax collector of Luke who gave away a third of all he owned and shared his wealth so it is that Mr Uncommon and I are doing. It is our way to give and yet for several years we have held our excess out of fear. When we lost our lucrative employment we also lost our open hand. We held back what we feared we may never again afford to own. We have made a choice to let go of this home to reinvent ourselves.
Let me tell you that this is no easy task. My flesh has risen within me full of anger at the inconvenience of it all. Although I have known that this home was only for a season, known this deeply within my spirit, I have resented leaving the luxury of it. I have grumbled and belly ached until my husband has hit "the rock" almost. I do not want him to miss entering in because of me.
It is a very hard thing for us to lower our selfs in status, in comfort. It is far easier to raise our selfs. It is the one who is at the lowest place at the table who has opportunity to be lifted to sit closer to counsel.
It is those who have much, who fear the loss of it. We are threatened by those who come in innocence for the suspicion of theft is everywhere.

Entering into the kingdom just might be the absence of such fear of loss.
In it might be the gain of caring more about the other person than to withhold who we are. It is in all these riches that I have closed down to the open handed life I once live and will surly live again.
People are drowning in the accumulation, that is what we are taught we are to do. Accumulate and archive the sure signs that we have arrived. What a target for my anger. That I was deceived into the trap of it. Now ...and now I am to let it all go. All the "Stuff" that took so much of my effort and energies to acquire. The stuff that gave me status. Boy when you stop to really look at it it is so sick and perverted. All of that stuff began to drown me. I was suffocating. I had cried out to God on more than one occasion to help me be free from so much stuff. Now I cry out in frustration because it is so hard to shed it!
He has done nothing wrong.
We are drowning. It is a journey to freedom to entering in to the freedom. The kingdom that I am being gifted with. It is not about me...It is about the kingdom. Freedom from the fear the consuming trend. For all around me the consuming is eating the people alive. Eating every waking moment with the greed for gain and status. It is a hard thing to let go of it too. My flesh has had fits over it. Fear of the loss of all the privileges is hard too (smaller yard, smaller house, older things, closer buildings and so on and on).
We are so very fortunate to make this choice while we are able.
I have to remind myself and convince myself. Egypt is not better it is just what I have known. The promised land is taken by force it takes a lot of effort!
So this Easter Morning perhaps it is for me to walk around those walls of "Jericho" and just keep walking around those walls until all those ancient foundations are loosened up enough so that on that perfect morning I can just blow those trumpets and watch that wall just fall to the ground. All those obstacles and images of everything that is not welcome in, are abolished in my life. It will be a clean city of hope and a land of freedom.
A promised land of life more abundantly.

To Mother of many

Dear Blessed Mother...
I have considered what little I know about your situation and this is what came to heart and to mind.

Of course this comes with some disclaimer (at my husbands insistence) as I am not a professional.

Here goes...
What first came to mind is that this has nothing to do with the item of food in question at all.
I saw a kid who possibly is relating to a food as a trigger to feel something "familiar". Some sort of something that is creating a possible sense of security or affiliation or playing out of a role of some kind.
The Other thing I suspect is a power struggle and a need for so sense of control to establish a sense of security and self hood. Perhaps if these things are not in place trying a technique like this...
Giving a choice of two things (within your peramiter you choose the two things) so she can have the self hood. This can begin with even the very simple of things like a choice in shampoo or a blue napkin or a white one. And reinforce it with "you make good choices". If any child is left without option they will struggle for it. Now this could be a deeply ingrained struggle for self hood never met.
For example if a kid who is abused and controlled and forced and made to do or be other than what is true to their own heart... they will look for provocation because it is scary to have life change rules mid stream.
If this sweet kid..."Militant" finds her security in that there are some things that can help her
every kid needs these basic 5 things. They are layer upon layer.
1. security
2. a sense of self
3. affiliation
4. mission
5. competency
This is what makes us able to be adults and not just "grown ups"
When these things are skewed and are attained in a twisted dysfunctional way then that way is what the kid will use to gain it, or the "grown up" will continue to use those methods even into adult hood. Self Esteem gets a bad rap in Churchianity because it is confused with pride or the ego centered on self. That is what happens if all stops and affiliation or a sense of belonging never occurs. this little girl is relating to you in a way that is in effort to gain an innate need. She is not Evil just messed up and broken. She is a good kid with a great heart that is terribly wounded. I do not know the child's age that is also a factor in the developmental milestones and delays. Regression is a common for those who have not developed but just survived.
It is so hard to explain in type I will comment and leave a way for you to contact me. I am not sure that what I am explaining is making the message I intend it to.

Inventing myself

Most children or perhaps at best many children experience the options that they may have for their adult lives. Some follow in the steps of a parent and never consider what they might choose, such a child is never given the choice. While others leave the decision up the the "all mighty dollar", for no one wants poverty. The whole of life is often centered around the fear of it ( poverty that is).
As a child the only thing I ever wanted was a home of my own. A place where I could be safe. Where someone would make sure I had my needs met for food and shelter in a loving atmosphere. That was the "big goal" I had for my future. I had a class in high school that opened the world of writing where the teacher was kind enough to let me sit out on the cement near the door. I had such severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that the class room was just too much. It was calm and safe there. I took a print shop class in high school it was more of a creative experience. I remember a science class that was very fascinating (biology) I got an A in it. Beside that I never really had much opportunity outside of school and working every other moment at the family gas station or at the house cooking and cleaning for my parents who worked 80 hour weeks. Just fed them and cleaned up after them.
Here I am 46 years old. I have spent the better part of 25 years+ making a home. Doing what I thought that meant. I decorated it with needle and thread and trinkets that were my best attempt at adding beauty. I have Made that safe home for myself and my husband and children. I had dreams of entertaining in it...but alas my husband is not to much for that. I had ideas of a garden and homemade subsistence...but alas the culture we live in does not bend itself too far toward that and it became very limited. As I dismantle the house that I spent years decorating and acquiring things for I see that I am removing myself from it. It is like I am putting myself , my old self into boxes and closing the lid only to wonder if I will still have want of those things in the future. My husband is loving the master suite that is cleared of nick knacks and such. He likes a few but we had too many. It is so much lighter somehow. Like a lifted weight but it still feels absent of me.
It is my attempt to create a naked home to be able to better market this one when the time come (and it is coming quickly) that we shall put it on the market for sale. I see how I am saying good buy to all those things I made often with just what I had on hand or was able to acquire at a discount. I am a grateful woman not one to be picky. I created beauty out of what was supplied me. I am left however to wonder who I am now. When I begin again will I reinvent me?
I wonder if I were to allow myself to ponder what I desire...who I desire to be and become will she be so much different than this me I am so familiar with?
In my youth I was re-invented out of trauma...Can I now be re-invented out of intent to BE?
What could that even look like. If I just was who I desire to be? I felt very lost this morning for a short time. I stayed in silence and prayed during the electric therapy on my neck. I asked lights out and just stayed quiet. I remembered that I am. I am a Vivacious, tenacious, White Raven! I am and I am who and what I desire. It is the desire that is within me from the design of my Creator.
I think it time to consider my design...more than just wanting a safe home, a Man that loves God... These things have come to be. I am a Mother...I am an artist in so many ways...Now it is time to begin to open myself up to the possibilities that await me.

An unwelcome guest.

There once was a woman who had been married several times with a long list of children by different biological fathers she again had conceived. Although she had had one daughter by the present husband the second child was not welcome. So much so that the fetus within heard a hell through the wall.
Today a friend posted about the rejection of the fetus in the womb.
During the time of gestation the woman and the man had drag out ,pull the shot gun blow out fights. One ended with my mother being kicked down the stairs with she was 9 months pregnant with me. That was how my entry into this world began. They raced in his car to the hospital and I was then born...Those first words spoken over me were such a curse. "Geesh such a fattie" and My god she sure is fat!" were the first words spoken over me. I spoiled their party.
Through a process of theophostic counseling I realized the message I heard loud and clear was that I spoiled their party. Well I should of been the honored guest. This took a lot of healing but once I saw why I tend to apologize for my existence it made a lot of sense.

I believe that our feelings in there pure form are a gift from the Creator.

Each having a purposed gift to it. When a feeling is appropriate you have...
Fear =wisdom to respond accordingly (fight /flight)
anger=strength to effect a solution
sorrow=healing by seeing the wound for what it is and grieving it (grief is a process).
guilt=amends, apologize identifying the error and owning it. Then change the way you respond in the future.
shame=a change in behavior (what you do) Knowing who you are is vital. A child of a loving God.
loneliness=reaching out to God and to others. Admitting that you can not do it alone. Learning to chose who you trust and who not to trust.

But under the authority of the perverse it is turned around to a harm...
Fear=terror or powerlessness. Inappropriate fear causes us to give our power over to another.
anger=violence getting the result by force.
sorrow=crushing, crippling wounding. The wounds that run so deep as to never surface to be healed.
guilt=rebellion or "I am bad verses What I did was bad" Can not own it or rejects the self and not the bad action.
shame=loss of self worth (shame of who you are verses what you have done)
loneliness=isolation from others with intent to punish.

This turning around of what was intended to make us dynamic causes a broken down mess.
When folks are a mess the gift is missing and all become human doings (apposed to the human being we are created to be).
Then occurs a triangle that is a prison.

The Rage triad

anger
fear of loss/or loss
inappropriate shame/or guilt

When you find yourself raging, your just stuck in feelings that are handicapped from a normal function. But this is a disability that can be turned into a normal ability with knowledge and skill.
By Identifying RAGE when it happens stepping back you then can identify

1. What your angry about so that you have the appropriate energy to change it

2. What it is that you are afraid of losing or what you lost and the wisdom to respond to it on purpose with appropriate intent. Letting go of the loss.

3. If it is shame, change a behavior. If it is guilt then make the appropriate amends.

When you do so the triad loses a corner and the rage is defused. It is a good trick to use when your being raged at too.

Life with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (P.T.S.D.)

Life with Post traumatic Stress Disorder PTSD

We know about this response to trauma because of our war veterans, but there are other kinds of veterans as well. We who survive, whether we overcome or not have a condition often that can really hinder us. Although we can see great progress in a life time it is still a "knee jerk" reaction that often can leave us "different".

Case in point

Beloved and I like to watch a show called "The Office" it is a sit com sorta true to life and very funny. It is also at times very poignant. We come together in his office after story time and just share an astonished glimpse into the mind of some very insightful writers and some very talented actors and actresses. It has always been a safe show with a few boarder line sometimes just over the line moments. Until the night before last. "The Beach episode"

The office team had a beach party with fire walking to try to make a point by the goofy lead character. The character Dwight decided to do the fire walk and try to acquire the bosses job, (the boss was to be promoted). In the scean Dwight stood in the coals and I just locked up. I managed to pull the blanket over my head in hopes that beloved would stop the show. Well Hubby was engrossed and did not see me. I could not make my voice work and I began to rock and was trying to sit it out then they began to scream and I just bolted out of the room seeing Dwight laying in the coals as I ran out of the room. Beloved was crushed that he did not see it. He knows what happened with Carolyn and the murder. It did not happen to him though so he is not effected in the same way I am. He is however very understanding.
We have within us a flight /fight mechanism. In a person with P.T.S.D. we sometimes loose that ability to govern that at will. I really hate it when my voice wont work. I cant speak and I can become unable to move. I become "The Stone One" that is what I always called myself. I just turn to stone. That night I ran, I RAN! that is so big (I have ran before), but there was a day when I just could not move!
I was able to stay present in the moment. Years back that trigger would of taken me right back to the murder scene. I had to go get in my bed and was not able to converse however for the rest of the night. Sorta "dear in the headlight" and very nauseous. I can't speak of my friend here. It was one of the last things I had to address in my recovery. I did contact the police in that town years after the fact. God is so merciful. Another witness my age had called and reported the same event that took place during the same time period in history. I wonder if it was the girlfriend who had made contact with me some months back. I'll maybe never know for she promptly stopped contact when I spoke of being abused she asked me why I did not do or say something and I told her how I was told they would hurt her. Whoever it was really took a great deal of courage. You see when evil is in the upper eshilons of a community it is a very powerful force. History untold will repeat itself.
Well I spent the day yesterday sorta locked up. I sat here and then tended to my son the rest of the day It took me several hours to let my shoulders down. Stress disorders are insidious! They effect every part of your life. The idea of trying to sell on ebay or etsy becomes bigger than life and the annoyance of it is frustrating to say the least.
P.T.S.D. is a very difficult thing to live with. You can gain more authority over it through kindness. Being kind to yourself and remembering that it is ""NO WONDER"" when you have an event really helps to reduce the stress. The hormones and chemicals produced through the adrenaline rush is exhaustive. Be kind to yourself.
I need to be very kind to myself.
My friend died by torture through fire a the hand of that bastard. She was a runaway who was trying to protect me, that night it was my turn on the stone table. She died trying to save me. I saw her murder...I try to do everything I can to stop seeing her murder.
Whenever someone burns on the TV or movie is is so hard for me. Hollywood likes to show those things and it is so hard to avoid it. So many things in life are horrid but I wish I could go through my life never seeing it again. I know that it will not be the case...but I wish those images would be invisible to me.

Those who have experienced torture or events too unspeakable need kindness.
You know what you should just be kind to everyone
for you never know who we are among you.
Be sensitive,
if you see me flinch
don't raise your hand at me...you know.

I just had to vent.

Guys I just had to vent.
I was too tired, angry over memory loss problems, and lonely for those who have passed on.
If I vent and grieve it does not mean I need a psyc.

Bob It just means I ran out of myself.
I have spent many a year with the support of a psychiatrist , meds and intervention. Not ashamed to go to one. I just needed to vent.
I needed to just let it out. I have been patient and thoughtful and forbearing and kind to a breaking point and I just hit that wall after a very frustrating day.

post Christmas blues

Well it is after midnight now. I feel alone and I hurt inside.
Don't know if I really want to even open up much.
I have a heart to support those around me. I am tired. It has been a long haul of preparations and such.
I see my daughters OCD type behaviors going wild. I need to get her into a Psychiatrists. I do not relish the thought. I really hate it!
My husband is tired and so he is less than affectionate regarding our very needy untrained dog (another responsibility that falls directly upon my back). With my nose rubbed in the carpet for wanting him in the first place. Hubs said yes with his mouth and no in his heart and this has been one challenging dog.
I have such a load on me every day. I carry it well like a horse. but my back is bowing. As is my mind.
I was faced with another long term memory absence over an iron.
At present time I had no idea what was in any of hte boxes that I had wrapped myself , even made them myself. I lost the gift I got for bother to give sister and can not find it. I even lost a gift for sister that I had purchased. I just do not know where I put it and can not find either one.
I had such a bad allergic reaction on Christmas day and just had to work the event inspite of it. This hors is rode hard.
I have a daughter going wako out of her mind this week from her needs... a husband who scared the peace of the morning out of me so bad that my fight/ flight had the adrenaline pounding Hard in my chest.
He owns the bad behavior. It due in large part because of a lack of sleep on his part.
My MILove my have hurt feeling, yet I was able to overcome and understand her behavior once it made more sense to me.

I dreamed for an instant of what it might be like to be on the receiving end of all that I pour out.
What it might be like to have a Mother who did what I do for my children, My mate does pour out to me but a man is different than a woman in this I think, what would it be like to have a mate who like a female poured out to me. I have never known that sort of thing My husband cleaned the children's rooms...it felt so good to not have to do it just that once. but then I had the thoughts of how my in laws may judge me for him doing it. I just could not do anything more and he was so embarrassed that he took it upon himself. I was so confused to think it was a gift of service to me. it may have been in some small part. It was very stressful for both of us. It is finished to a point. Yet I was so surprised to see what a different type of "cleaning" and male brained organizing was done. It was a moment taken back to see who the floor may have been cleared yet the detail undone. (and yet to be accomplished by ME)

I feel rode out. Like I am looking for pasture somewhere just to rest and live out being cared fo.
What a silly dream it ain't going to happen.
If my mind goes will I know my children?
Whenever I try to share these fears and very real concerns with friends or family it makes other uncomfortable and I get all but accused by some of brining it upon myself by a lack of faith.
I among all people have no "little" faith. of that I am sure!
Yet this is a real thing I deal with in silence. I was somewhat sad to hear I had no recall of the iron story...
I tried to remember last Christmas and have no recall...The memories of my children are slipping away and it is only in the photographs that recall gets stirred a bit.
So I go to bed a little melodically tonight.
I am full of gratitude yes...
But I do feel a loss...
I do see and other marathon ahead of me...
my back well...this hours feels her back bow.
What do they do for old horses...if they no longer have any value or work to give...
I have the choice to just saddle up and keep to tasks set before me. I have to choose going on...moving forward into the sunrise and sunset of each new day.
My sunrise is not what I had hoped for but it is mine to awaken too

I have such a charmed life, so rich in means (look around the world) and so full of gifts. I have a perfectly lovely home, marriage and friendship. The children are a gift from God. yet I have my battles to face the fatigue and irritability I have had are less than charming. I find myself grumpy and irritable far too often. Between hormones and allergy bum knee and memory loss I just get wherry. I just stop and see it is all too much. I chose to stay on this side of the line. So I will and I must.
I wonder what my life would have been like had a real childhood (if there is such a thing) been mine. Had my will,mind and potential been met. . For now I am a horse and little more than that.
I must find joy in it for it is my blessed lot to find pleasure in my work.
I am so blessed truly provided for and the ease is evident. Even though I am foolish to compare

Having everything in the world can not replace the longing for a Mothers or Fathers unconditional Love. That is something I will never ever know. They are all dead now. dead.
except in this that Pappa God loves me. I know it is true look at my life. I see he loves me.
I just don't like being a horse every day.
Maybe I am grieving myself tonight. I am like an outsider. never really belonging.