Support Group starting up.

I'LL SEE YOU AT NOON You deserve to be free from depression, anger, and all of that's left behind after being sexually abused! You are not alone in your STRUGGLE TO BE "NORMAL!" Overcoming The Aftermath of Childhood Sexual Abuse A Day of Deliverance DATE: Saturday's 2007 TIME: 12:00 Noon - 2:00 p.m LOCATION: Mesa Public Library, 64 E First St. Mesa 85201 MORE: For questions call 480-513-8247 A Day of Deliverance 10634 E. Enid Ave Mesa, Arizona 85208

Hello all Today I had the privilege to support another Woman Warrior who has a heart to support others on the road to recovery. She has extended an invitation to those in the Mesa/Phoenix Arizona community to come. It is FREE, no cost, don't be alone in it; sorta group. It is somewhat small at this time and the women I met were a thoughtful considerate caring group.
I met Donna in a park where our kids attend elementary. Our boys were in the same class. She has a passion to help others where there is no help of insurance or income.

MommaBlogga Writing Project Thank You Mother

In late 2000, The call came in from my Friend. Honor your Mother and Father in the Land of the Living that it might go well for you.
He implored me to forgive.
It is the Role of Mother and Father we are to Honor. Who the person is or what they may have or may not have done was to be irrelevant.

What a friend!
He hounded me that only when I saw this act completed would I have the Peace I so longed for. Every time I went to talk with Him, He would say . Pretend your visiting Jesus in Prison.
A low cost nursing home was a lot like a prison. Closed by isolation, age paining every inch of her body she was a soul in torment.
I had made a vow! Never would she ever touch my child. Never ever would I ever let her touch me again!
He told me that those vows were foolish and that they were bringing death into my life. It was time to let go and renounce those old vows. This wa a struggle and I won by choice not by feeling.
So I knowing full, well how very, much My Dear Friend had my best interest at heart obeyed Him. He said go , I have no choice but the choice to do what is right. That is a choice made long ago one that has served me well no matter how bumpy a road I have walked in it.

Sitting there in the waiting room, the nurse came in in a very defensive stance. So good to see a defender there for this imprisoned soul. I much preferred it to a guard that has no compassion. I breathed deep. I am simply here because it is the right thing to do, I told her.
In a wheel chair the prisoner approached, how it made my skin crawl to let her touch my hand. I pretended. I saw like thorns upon her head, a wreath of her true heart, one that was repentant and grieved of her effects upon my life. I still had to pretend. I thought of the sacrifices HE made. I saw Him only like a man unjustly accused. She was forced to obey the evil, and at times choose too, this prisoner my Mother. I still had to pretend. I left that day having poured a large expensive flask of oil upon her head. The price I paid for that oil is so extreme that it is no longer a debt it is paid in full.

I returned again with my husband and child I obeyed my Friend for it was at His insistence that I return to the incarcerated soul. I however kept my vow, she did not touch my Dove. I kept that one at bay defensively, a promise made to God. My husband stood beside me as I staggered away from the event and held me up as the whipping of the guards hit my back to guard against it hitting hers.
Two more visits and a puffer fish who kept me in check at the dining hall table. It would remind me that it was Jesus I was visiting here. Humor kept me , removed me and embraced me. Love overcame all the stench and wreckage of a life torn into shreds.
At Christmas I went back again with my family keeping my word, no touching my child. I'll go visit "HIM" again. Once more alone and when my child and her daddy left the room this prisoner said. "I had written it all Donetta ,I told of what the K.K.K. had done" "I told it and ,so and so, burned the manuscript." "I'm so sorry sweetheart You told the truth and no one believed you".
"TELL, DONETTA TELL ALL! Please tell all so that it will stop!" she said. This prisoner then dropped the veil that was Jesus and her face was then exposed to me. I saw her. It was safe to.

One more time in February I was told to go. I left here at once and arrived to a fog of a human, I told her of my son to come of an adoption in progress..."She then said..it wasn't my fault they killed him (speaking of my elder sisters twin) I heard the doctor say just keep her impregnated and then she will forget it... I NEVER FORGOT DONETTA, I didn't tell on them but I never forgot"
My child said I want away from here Mommy < I left.
When I was at rest my Friend said again," be ready she will die soon". I set arrangements so that childcare could be in an instant
Two days later the call came, Mom is in the Hospital she is dieing a sibling said to me.
I secured Dove and left to go to say good bye. Around her bed were yapping dogs and awaiting vultures. ( I may make some enemy's here but this is my truth) as I entered the nurses were fatigued of it. I placed my hand on her back and she later told me how grateful she was for my presence. It was my Friend who came with me, Invisibly Present Palpable He NEVER LEFT MY SIDE. When the gruesome tasks were to be done I secured a Social Security Number and walked away back to her. Bedside the nurse looked at me in amazement because every time I entered the room her rates came down and she would stabilize.
I was chosen to go in the ambulance with her to the Hospice. As we drove I hummed and sang hymns softly to her. The driver put the radio station on a Christian channel with the song of "How lovely on the Mountains are the feet of those..." we drove into the East toward the crystal clear mountain range.
She passed there at hospice.
It was three days later. My husband was with our child and he was in the process of the plant closing. He was not able to be there for me emotionally. My child was secure, some would touch her( my mothers) legs saying "see when its like that it means that she die soon, I held my tongue, biting it. I used the sponge and gave her water. It reminded me of Christ on the Cross.
In the next bed was an Elder gentleman with his passing bride. It was only us four in the room . I gave him my chair, and sat in a cold steel folding chair. "Momma", I said if you are with Him tell Him What you would like me to sing.
Out of my mouth came...
"She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes, She'll be riding six white horses when she comes's, Oh ! we'll all go out to greet her, Yes Well all go out to greet her,Yes we'll all go out to great her when she comes.
Thank you Mother when you were a prisoner you spoke the truth and set me free.
Thank you for turning to Him in the end.
Thank you that one day we'll all come out and meet.

Lovely Award Given by Shorty Bears Place

My precious friend Denise at Shorty bears Place has blessed me with a lovely award today. How supportive and loving you are.

Here are the rules:For those who answer blog comments, emails and make their visitors feel at home on their blog. For the people who take others people's feelings into consideration before speaking out, and who are kind and courteous. Also for all those bloggers who spend so much of their time helping other bloggers design, improve and fix there sites. This award is for those generous bloggers who think of others.

So, know it is my turn to pick out five bloggers that I feel are deserving of this award. My choices are:

Please see my other blog for lists and links
Thank you.

1

2
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5


"These ladies always make me feel blessed by their kind comments they leave on my blog. Their own blogs make you feel at home, and you want to stay there awhile. I love you all." Denise wrote.
How thoughtful, How loving and kind.
Thank you sweet heart.

Break Through.

I must soy that I hope beyond hope that this can help another along the road. This must make a difference in another life.

In the very late 80's I was in counseling and was encouraged to attend a two day seminar. It was held in a Phoenix Hotel and we were to have room mates and share a double occupancy room.

This program was the brain child of several professionals who had a hope to help survivors. It did help me a great deal. I remember that they had half the group sit in a large circle and the other half stand. We had all written the words we remembered hearing as kids on a white board or on paper attached to our backs. Then each person on the standing circle would say things like,
"it wasn't your fault"
"you did not deserve to be hurt"
" You are loved"
"You deserve to be loved"

Well some 20 messages or so as the standing circle moved around me finally broke through the crust of "no one will ever make me cry again" and I absolutely fell apart sobbing and weeping inside., but not a tear was shed on the outside. Then the leader took glitter and sprinkled it over each of us and said" remember this always". It took me many years to learn to cry. Now I weep at kindness and love. Seldom though do I cry , and if your ever with me please dont hand me a tissue if you see me cry cause I need to let them out and if I have a tissue I'll use it to just push them back behind the door.

That night a drunkard pounded on my hotel door he was lost and could not get into his room. My room mate, (a stranger to me) well her and I called the desk and the police it scared me so bad. That night I found myself binging on black licorice, and I remembered! I remembered my step dad being nice to me when he gave me black licorice. He kept it up on the refrigerator and when he would come home from his merchant marine trips he would give me some, it was large old fashioned sticks thick and hard. He married my mom when I was six. It was my first good memories of my childhood. They moved to the brick house and the bastard did not live in our basement any more. However that couple followed us around everywhere we moved! My mother hassled me because I was not nice to Uncle so and so. I hated him and I hated her and I hated Uncle so and so s wife!
I since then long ago stopped hating it is a poison worse than the drugs they used on me.
I knew I had forgiven when I found myself grieving for them that they should have the promise of what they had done come upon them for all eternity. for "better it would be for them that a noose would be around their necks and cast into the sea than tho harm such as one of these little ones" The way they harmed me.
My mom was however a magnet for these kinds of people. It was because of her own jurney. One she did not get recovery for until she was well into her late 50's mid 60's. She lived near my eldest Sister and they small town where they lived had few supports. It was real hard for my sister and the town theripst could not deal with both of them.
My mother told me only weeks before her death to tell , tell all!

When Did her Recovery Begin?

Photo taken in 1987, It was during this time the flash backs had become disabling. I would wake up in my closet not knowing how I got there. I would see things in front of my closed eyes that were just terrifying. It was just like it was happening all over again. I thought I was going insane.
Religious friends thought I had demons and an exorcism was performed at very hurtful costs. I wounded my heart terribly.
I was taking college self help classes and began to seek Therapy for marital counseling help for sexual dysfunction. I had no memory of my life from 16 back. Nothing good or bad. The abortion just erased my whole life.

This was written for a class when I was 30 in 1991

WHEN DID HER RECOVERY BEGIN?

The day of her birth she fought for air. Each day since then she struggled through the dangerous torments. The wounding occurred with each diaper change. The light was her recourse and into it she fled. Recovering some sense of self, of what it was to be sane.

With the verbalized wounding came the empty sense of serenity found only in the deepest recesses of her spirit. She went way into the forestry of her mind to obtain the peace at the very moment it was being robbed.

By three she was trained into the sexualized source for every woman and mans insanity. By four she, a porn child, who would live the next 26 years in a family fantasy. For years she was well worn into believing that every need was rooted in something sexual. That it was a price that must be paid to acquire her necessities. At 20 she secured the right to leave. It took 9 years to find the keys. A year and a half regarded as recovery gave her memories and truth about her supposed insanity. Questions were answered and the blank history filled in.

Little baby bloomers bloodied and soiled. Childhood horrors were to be unfurled. It was when she was a baby that she began the road to recovery by regaining her repose through a make believe world.

This one has a great understanding for the virtues of life. For long lonely hours she struggled to gain some sense of what it was really supposed to be like.

She was thirty and counting all that was achieved. All that had occurred did not annihilate her brain. But this it did: it caused in her the quest for recovery.

Donetta

Written 16 years ago. It is altered a little from the original text It just takes a little too much courage to post the full text. I feel my heart beat with a fear and sort of panic to share this. I do hope it will make a positive difference in the life of someone out there. If you are a survivor of such things. You can get help and have a life one day. I promises. I worked so hard beyond so many obstacle's. There will be those who try to convince you to keep the denial going. My eldest Sister helped save my life. When I was in the process of remembering and telling about what these men did to me. She coming forward and witnessing to me the exposure of what she knew about what happened to me kept me from just loosing all hope. She knew the truth and had the courage through the recovery she was undergoing. Within a few months my own Mother came forward to share with me what she knew. She confirmed so many details that I knew that I was sane. The powerful drugs these Bastards used had a devastating effect on my development and I was messed up by it. With a very high I.Q. it was VERY frustrating to be developmentally disabled. I rotted in the gym and the school library during Jr. and high school. I was robbed the education I could of had.

So I teach myself what I want to know. Before the kids I took Several college level classes but with the remnants of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder I do not do well in high stress environments too many triggers even this many years later. I just lock up and my mind will go blank. My language leaves me an d I get terribly embarrassed and I used to get very discouraged and depressed.

At one time I was so angry at God for letting me live. He and I wrestled that one out.

God is so merciful!

November of 1985
My Niece and Nephew at play with me.

Today the most wonderful thing happened. The son my sister came home pregnant with months after the death of my own son, came to visit.

He is 27 years old now. The same age my Nathaniel would have been, yes we gave him a name. It means "Gods gift" and I released that gift back to God in my healing and receiving of forgiveness from both God and Natt, many years ago)

I made him a triple decker sandwich just like when he was 6 years old, the same age as my Dash Hawk. I went to get a plate and grabbed a plastic like I do with all the kids and always have for some 20 something years. I had to laugh at myself I reached over and got a glass plate. I told Him of it and we laughed.
He is a man now and I am His Aunt and I am honored that he feels safe and at home here and always has. He is a glass plate now, grown independent seasoned with life's trial and walking honorably. I am proud of him and his Mother.

This photo was taken in our first home. It was 900 sq. ft. of peace and pleasure. Simple, real and dear. A safe place for all the children to come and rest from their parents :) harhar
( I made the bear lamp in the back ground it is long since sold to a girl who really wanted it. It had well over 200+ hours of detailed work it)

Hard Stuff... So why do I share it?

Not for sympathy....!

This is my motive... To pass on the experience strength and hope.
It is a responsibility of those who are privileged to share what they have been given.

Our insurance has covered hundreds of thousands of dollars and our own pockets have also padded those numbers. I have worked hard! I can now pass it on in hopes to ease the road for others.
God made a way, I am so fortunate, many however may not have those same resources.

Abortion ,1977, A nightmare story of childhood.

My mother worked hard, and did her best to raise us. She had never had parents to teach her how to raise children. I was never told that pre-marital sex was wrong. My unsuspecting mother trusted me greatly. At sixteen I was searching for love and acceptance. My mother was in the hospital with a breakdown when I discovered I was pregnant. I had no one to counsel me. I was alone. I went to a Planned Parenthood clinic to receive advice. They confirmed my pregnancy, yet offered me no encouragement or referrals. I was never told about any organization that offered help. They pointed me down the path to a Riverside, Ca. clinic. I was left to feel that abortion was my only alternative other than suicide. I hope that as you read this that you consider the desperate need that young women have. We need support. We do not need a easy way out! The long term effects of my trauma were devastating. My friends dropped me off at the clinic. I was alone. I waited in fear and humiliation. Then my name was called, I was led to a cubical, and a woman said "have you considered adoption?" I asked how could I? Knowing my mothers state of mind I was fearful. She checked the box. That was it, that was all she said. She told me to go into the next room and wait for an examination. Each room seemed to be deeper and deeper within the building. All I wanted to do was to die or to escape from there. Then my name was called. I went into an examination room. I had never even been to a GYN, and for the first time in total fear and humiliation I was internally and externally examined. This in itself was very painful due to my tense condition. I told the nurse not to leave. There I was with a male stranger with his fingers and hands on me and in me. I was terrified. I was sent back out to a room. It was a open room with a large sectional Sofa filled with women and girls. There were two adjoining rooms. While seated on the sofa a door opened and I could see into the operating room. It had another door on the far side, and the women went in one door and then out the other. The room was small. The table was in the center. There were RN's, doctor, and also the men who carried the unconscious women to the recovery room. They called the next name and the door was closed. Then while waiting there a lady came and told me I had RH neg. Blood, that it would be imperative that I receive an injection that if any future children might have a different blood type my body would fight them off. Future children, future children! My heart sank. All my life my desire was to be a wife and mother. Now my future children were in question. The door opened, my name again was called. How I had grown to hate the sound of that name. How I hated myself. I wanted it all to stop, everything happened so fast. The nurses and doctor were all behind masks. Only there eyes showed. They told me to lie down on the table. Feet in the stirrups, scoot down, scoot down. ''Oh God'' my heart screamed, I was so embarrassed. I was naked and bare before all these strangers, and they were numb to my feelings. Their soft voices spoke instructions to me. Breath deep, just relax. I was going under, and I wanted it to stop. I screamed "NO STOP" "STOP", but with the gas mask on, my mouth could not speak. Then I was under. I remember the prick of a knife inside me, it hurt. My arm ached from the drugs pumped into me. The vacuum gurgled and that was all, I had lost the fight, I was, then unconscious. As I came to, a gruff voice said "It was your choice, you wanted to do it"!. A nurse spoke, so mean and cold she sounded. I was numb. I was in the recovery room on one of the many couch like beds. Then I was given a shot in my fanny that seemed to keep Going, and everyone else was looking at me. They were all more awake than I was. The nurse spread my legs , and put a fresh pad on me. I just closed my eyes and pretended to disappear. After I slept a long time, the people who took me there came back for me. I was bleeding quite heavily, and we had to stop on the way home I was bleeding quite heavily, and we had to stop on the way home to buy more pads. They told my mom that I started my period and I did not feel well. I bled a lot that night. I was so very frightened, and I had no one to turn to for help. I was left in shock, for eight years. I was never able to grieve the loss of my child, and so I carried an imaginary suckling child on my hip for eight years. Shortly after I married I had to have major female surgery. I had a tumor on my ovary. I lost an ovary. I have been married for six years, and we are still longing for our first child. (this was written a long time ago) It has been two years now that I have been able to face this terrible ordeal. Please note the need for counsel. If my child was alive today it would be so great to know that its adoptive family was being blessed by his existence. But as it happened the life of my child was extinguished. I have asked Gods forgiveness, and without that I would not be able to bear the pain of my loss. Thank you for sharing my story. Please make available the instruction and assistance to the desperate women in this position. It is far to easy to kill the unborn. And the everlasting effects are not being presented. I know that many, many victims of abortion still live today. They are the women who will suffer the consequence of this radical act. If only I would have been told that pre-marital sex was wrong, I would have had the strength to stand against the peer pressure.

This was sent to a womans expo and read by a leading ob/gyn who gave his career to helping the women who were butchard by Plan Parenthood. I do mean gave, he lost everything. The pain was to great for him to hold. Between this and severe childhood sexual abuse I had to have seven major surgeries over 16 years to stop the endo. and reconstruct the damage, because it got into my abdominal wall. I had internal bleeding as my menstruation cycle occurred. I would wrench in agony on the bathroom floor month after month .It ended with a radical hysterectomy in 2002.

I later went on to adopt two children one in 1997 a daughter and a Son in 2002.
I am now 46 on hormones and meopause was overnight and hard with a 10 month old son and a 3 year old daughter.

To all of you who have known this terror I am sorry to touch such a tender place. There is a healing through God we can have forgiveness. We can learn how to forgive ourself. To all of you who have known a child in the womb.
This is , abortion, a death. Handle the hearts with tender care as your love can make a safe place for your fellow women to open up and get healing.

THANK YOU FOR CARING,

Special Needs

I am raising two Special Needs Kids.
We all have special needs.
If you were blind, deaf, crippled or lame.
Your needs would show and you would have a greater likelihood to be given mercy.
You deserve Mercy whatever your need is.

It is so hard to fight for and meet the needs of my children but you would agree that no matter what as a Mother you fight for them until you can fight no longer.

Are you fighting for yourself. Have you ever become Mother to your own soul?
Think about it. Who is fighting with everything they are worth for you.
This is your charge. I admonish encourage and give you permission to do so.

We are in a battle We have a real enemy ! God wins.

With a charge to share my hope and experience and strength I take some courage up and share.

Suffering is a state in which I have spent much of my life. Even in these "good years" I have had a share of it.
The easier stuff: (so to speak) The Body
My body was left in tatters.

2006 knee surgery, two torn meniscus due to years of abuse in childhood, adulthood and then the final blow falling over the dog. Surgery has left me somewhat lame and I need to call even today to get another apt. I have to face the need to get help for the pain is so chronic that I am a little out of my mind at times. After such a long wait for my children I am hindered in my joy of life due to the discomfort, inability to function and I really have just denied the need to get more help with it. The bone on bone is so painful!

I am now very over weight and will need to address it! I walked this morning and as long as I don't over do it much I can bear the pain.

1995-2007
Brain sheered lesions that were once just three of them in 1996 according to the MRI and other very unpleasant tests. They said that these were from being shaken as a child I was also beaten into unconsciousness with a brick when I was a teenager. During the seasons of the migraines I began to have mini non epileptic seizures, I spent a stint at Mayo Clinic where I was told that this can cause outburst of anger and that it screws up the kids of such parents and that these kids often need psychological help when they grow up. It was at that point that I felt I had lost the battle. I felt so unworthy of having my two wonderful adopted kids. I just fight hard not to let the stress get too high around me and when I do get the pre-migraine angers I set us all up for success and take the "big gun drugs".
I would find myself with the symtems resembling MS. After many more test they found that if I had MS it is the most mild form she had ever seen. The lesions on my brain have become more of them and now I have several. My face started to go numb on one side and after a very painful run of all the tests known to neurologist including a failed spinal tap that had to be plugged in an E.R., I still just treat the migraines with drugs and hope the partial peralisis stays at bay. They also found that my l4,l5 is in a state of partial stynosis my spinal column is shrunken. That was what was causing me to mot be able to use my right leg sometimes. It also causes a very painful lower back when I bend at the waist.
The scatter brain behaviors have gotten worse concentration fails during stress and I often am forgetful of events and names short term is the worst during migraines I feel as if an electrical storm sets off. It stings all over my scalp but deeper. The side of my face becomes numb. Sometimes my voice slurs and I studder words become hard to find.
I tried a few months ago to get a little help with the things that resemble ADHD and was told that they wanted me do a test to show if I was begining to have early onset dementia. I freaked and panicked. I felt so bad about myself for several months. I even thought that I did not deserve to be a mother and that I would not get to know who my kids even were when they get to be adults. I thought of suicide and that it could be more merciful to my family than having a Mother how was gone out of her mind unable to be there intellectually. I thought of the financial ruin I would cause my husband.
Now I have migraines to treat, Pain to manage, a life to live with Children to raise and a promise to hold onto. That if it all happens to me "if" well may I then live in such a way as to keep dignity. May I fight so hard against bitterness and keep my heart from hardening. Then I WIN!

I suffered with endometriosis for 20 years. It became "end stage" and after six major surgeries I had lost the battle and Six weeks after my son came home from Russia I had to have a radical hip to hip hysterectomy. This after just six weeks with my new son who was 10 months of age! I waited 20 yrs for him!
It was Gods mercy.
I had my son in my arms before the loss of my reproductive self.
I Lost so much of the time with my daughter during all the surgeries where my house was filled with others caring for me. While others cared for me many lives were touched by the witness of just being myself. They were moved to help the sweet children who came home to us. Many lives were touched by these great kids. God gave them grand parents and aunts and uncles and for ever prayer warriors to stand for them and for us. My husband grew to come out of self into a life of selfless dedication to the lives around him. He had his battles and we are so very close.

I have had to have every orifice in my body surgically repaired! All this due to the abuse, neglect and harshness of an evil world.
BUT<>
It is that He is Glorified in the success of the battle won.
We are in an epic! There is a greater story here in our lives. We see the small picture. When We don't let the evil triumph over our hearts that God sticks it in the face of evil and says "I WIN"

Oh I have been angry, Very angry! I live in a fallen world and evil rules the ruest we suffer at the hands of others and through our own consequence. Gravity is a natural law. As is the effect of our choices.

Suffering is Hard it is a fire that pulls out all the dross. We are to be refined as by fire. If we stand this test we are purified of all the yuck that dulls our luster.
When I faced a double mastectomy I was scared and angry for I just was not able to understand "Why God". I was so tired of suffering! Then I got it.
It was not about me! It is about how I respond to it all.

Our Hope

We are to share the hope that we have in real ways.

Once I was unloved, even by my own
Once I only knew despair, abuse and abandonment.
This is far to common.

Those of you out there who have hope to share.
Share the hope.
Not just religious word, but real hope.
For our words of Church-ianity fall empty on a wounded world.
So many people have suffered a loss of affiliation with God because of religious wounding.

It is our hope, our faith in action and thought before hand to avoid hollow words that do not offer real tangible Hope. The substance of the things. Experience , strength and hope.
It is what we have seen in Him, The miracles we have witnessed. What we have learned and experienced. Those courageous transparencies that make us real.

I will return in four days.

I am going camping.

Children learn what they live

If a child lives with Criticism,
He learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility ,
He learns to fight .
If a child lives with ridicule,
He learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame,
He learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance,
Ie learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement,
He learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise,
He learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness,
He learns justice.
If a child lives with security,
He learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval,
He learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship,
He learns to find
love in the world.

RISKING

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental
To reach out for another is to risk involvement
To expose your feelings is to risk exposing your true self
To place your ideas, your dreams before a crowd is to risk
To love is to risk not being loved in return
To live is to risk dying
To hope is to risk despair
To try is to risk failure
But, risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing at all
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing and is nothing.
They may avoid suffering and sorrow but they can not learn, feel, change, grow, love live.
Chained by their certitudes, they are a slave.
They have forfeited their freedom.
Only a person who risks is free

JUST WHAT IS A LIFE RESTORED?

We are a three part being

1)Body
2)Soul
3)Spirit


!) The body, that shell your living in, The one that has the form, the journey of bumps and scrapes that has left it in its present state. Now for some this vessel has been thrashed about in a storm that has left a pretty bleak effect. It is however not hopeless and it is also no wonder. When you get the soul tied up in things. neglect of your own self can also have a profound effect on you shell. Now there are some who have endured many of the formative years with the body being treated in disastrous ways by others. It gets trained into being at ease that that should be the norm. No, it should NOT!


2) I have spoken about the beginning of the spiritual restoration in a prior post. Now I have to speak about the "soul". That was the part of me that made me who I am innately and uniquely. We begin the formation of that even before birth . (fearfully and wonderfully made). However along the path of life with the many experiences we have be become. Fortunately all things can become a new.
It is no wonder who you have become, now who do you choose to be. Who were you really intended to be before the mold of who you are became damaged by the pounding of this storm called life.

3) Our Spirits are alive to God when our days began in the womb , It was He who Created a place within us to dwell. Now I'm not one to get into a theological debate. I am simply one woman sharing my journey and the truth I have know. (sharing my expireance, strength and hope) My spirit longed for him like the law of "gravity". It is His presence with my spirit that completes my innate need a need to belong that can only ultimately be filled in that relationship (note I did not say religion) I said relationship!

When I took a journey, into the why, of who I had been left being, after I came clear of the storm of the lives that once governed over mine, That I was to begin to become a new. It is my hope to shed a light onto this path that you may become who you truly are.

The human being not a human doing once governed by the ghosts of all that haunts you. Truth is freedom. When I reveled the truth of who, and what the storms of my life had wrecked havoc, It was then I began to heal.

Lessons on friendship

TOPIC: FRIENDSHIP CLASS

"DISCOVERY PAPER" by DONETTA

This is a paper written as a assignment for a class taken the instructor was Nina Harris , PH.D.

TOPIC: LETTING GO OF OLD FRIENDSHIPS DECEMBER 6, 1995

In my experience the most painful of feelings remain over friendships ended. Friendships can end in several ways and for several reasons. How does one choose whether a relationship is healthy and mutually beneficial? When do we find it imparitive to close a friendship and why? How do friendships deteriorate? What is the method used to heal? Will the hurt and loneliness ever go away? Through study and introspection this is what I have learned so far.

I have had several friendships close in my adult life. Relationships that began in a dysfunctional pattern and ended as a result of me exiting such a dysfunctional life system. These friendships often resulted as a triangle of victim being rescued by one, who at some later date, became an offensive completion to the triangulation. Often the early days were immediately intense and intimate. No gradual acquaintance, no developing of friendship. The slam into intensity and the often “you rescue me, I’ll rescue you “ led into a sort of pay back and owe system. “Expectations.” “Well I did this for you.” All in all; I’ll be everything for you, but then you must be everything for me. The basic problem with this is that no one person can ever meet all the needs of another. For this reason the friendship is cursed, flawed and destined to fail as intensively as it began. The expectations are land mines of sabotage. Even footing is so controlling that growth stops. People pleasing replaces sincerity and honesty. The desired friendship becomes a mutual bondage. Freedom is choice. A painful choice, yet any bondage is lacking an appropriate expression of love. Friendship without love is empty and harmful. The harm comes from the lack of integrity and loneliness from ones own self. Being dishonest is a desertion of ones self. This was how I decided weather the relationships were healthy or not and in painful clarity I saw the destruction and loss of self.

Another consideration as to choose to close a friendship was how the other person addressed their own life systems. Did they desire growth of the status quo?

Was the status quo something I cared to be involved with? If not was it something I could support or tolerate. When it came to destructive self behaviors I was able to tolerate it two times, but by the third time the effect of the emotional stress on me was too agonizing to stand by for a repeat. So for me another reason to close was to save my emotional energies. I needed to care of my self and my own responsibilities. I was finding myself too exhausted in the friendship. I was not willing to watch her bring harm upon herself again. I grieve this loss and the losses she brings upon herself. My friend was In a battered womens cycle. We always took turns being victim/rescuer to each other. I was not doing her good by keeping the cycle alive between us. It was time for me to change.

In the case of the enveloping friendships the intensity often brought about conflict. Expectations caused offenses when left unfulfilled. Frustrations and overwhelm often just emptied both of us out. When we were all used up we had nothing left to offer each other. We had no patience with each other. Nor understanding of the bigger picture. Good bye was usually as intense as hello. As exhilaratingly as the hello with all the joys of being needed and wanted, so was the good bye. The freedom cause pursued gave rest for the wherry.

The other case of friendship cycle was similar, yet differed in that her dignity was needed in order for her future development. I saw that it was needful for me to take on the blame. She needed to save face. Also I was guarded against her defensive nature. I effort ed to care for both of us. It was what I determined to the time to be the best example of love I could show. It was very humbling. I was left with much hurt and unspoken anger.

At times an unspoken exit was my only way to avoid the explosion and injury.

I have found forgiveness through understanding. It has been very cathartic. I try to walk in their shoes. To feel the fit of them. I desire to understand why they might pinch or be stressed in their “soul”. I also choose to be accountable for my own ignorance and error. Forgiveness toward my self bing very difficult.

The amends: Often the only means to amends is offered through bettering myself. Through learning from my errors. By replacing ignorance with knowledge and understanding.

I have learned to graduate friendships. To moderate intensity and level off now and then by stepping back. I find that in doing so I can attempt to see the others point of view. Or at least not react without thought. Honesty is a must, but I don't need to tell all, especially not all at once. I need several relationships to meet a variety of needs. To focus on similar interest is helpful.
When I can find none I examine the relationship . Perhaps it is an acquaintance?

I do not think the hurt will ever go away. The loneliness has been nurtured by the presence of the self. I draw much closer to God in these lonely times. For that I am grateful. I do not think that I will ever stop hurting inside when I remember those whom I loved. The pain reminds me of the love I have for them.

By drawing close to God in a painful loneliness, I hope to by prayer, draw God close to them. I do this upon rememberence of them. I will always treasure them and regret the injury and pain we both have suffered.

There is no turning back. that hurts most. My eyes must be kept upon the day and my future. Today I pray for them and tomorrow I will do better. Each day of amends brings me a future of less ignorance and a hope for healthier friendships. The status of friendships change as time rambles by. Always love wins. There have been healthy long time acquaintance turned friend. Cadence, time, understanding. I will heal through the gradual reduction of incident.

The beginning of knowledge is understanding, and knowledge is the beginning of wisdom. I hope to make better choices and be a better friend both to myself and to others.

I desire to choose wisely. and in time I will heal.

Coffin in my Castle

THERE IS A COFFIN IN MY CASTLE

by Donetta

(c) Copyright 1990

That mirror of reflection has fractured in my eye. My sight dimmed momentarily by a volcanic fire. So there! Are you happy? I too have now unveiled some displeasure in what I am surrounded by. Desperate fixation, a place I hate to visit. I've written it down. But to ever share it without feeling like a clown. We must have the clown in disguise too. As for the eyes they are hidden from the weapon, the gaze. Freedom sweet freedom calls now to forget all this and to just cover my wounded eyes.

While reading a book, its page tense with fear, I became incredibly angry! I stressed and pressed away from the reading of it. I then exploded! Angry and I wanted to know why? I soon discovered while deep in conversational prayer, I practiced the act of denying my emotions. The emotions that hurt me mainly pain, loss and fear. I allowed to exist the hope, joy, gratitude and love, because those didn't hurt me.

As a child I suffered with feelings, because with them, I didn't know what to do. If I showed them I was punished or injured by an insensitive stare, lack of understanding and the inability of showing me how to productively handle them. So by error and pain I soon learned to deny them. They were much to painful to face "alone".

When I met my prince charming and awoke by his kiss, I entered my castle with its halls of joy , hope and gratitude. These felt so good that I stronger denied those feelings so painful. Emotions pressed under a coffin of pain. A lifetime of torment was sealed to its doom buried by hands in sheer panic. The ground has now shifted, that earths’ crusty scale has chaffed at my coffin of pain tell its' sides cracked. And in my fear I became angry, because all that was in it was soon to be seen. Pressed down, down, under the angers' strength tried. It could not because I would not seal my own tomb.

So now, in my castle the coffin abides with all those emotions that were buried alive. Alive they have remained, and now they must be allowed to live, and exist. To have there beginning so they can have

an end. And Jesus said I'm willing and he healed even me. I know that Jehovah will heal all those hurts deep within. To allow them to surface is how it will begin. The working out process I trust will in good time be complete. Then all the coffins storehouse will be gone.

The door to my emotions will be opened now. I will feel the things my emotions feel. It will be wholesome. Even in my castle I was in a prison of my own. Emotions are part of my humanity, feeling is a fact not to be denied as a fantasy. It is how I approach them and how I respond that makes me or breaks me. I am glad to know that the past hurts that suffer me this long will soon, very soon, be expressed, cried for and allowed to be released. So that after the working out they will be gone.

I Have a Hope.

I have a hope and a promise.
Placed on my work station
a hope found
It became a promise
The first one I had ever owned.
wonder filled me

It is now mine alone
no voice or explanation had I
but this gift will be the greatest I'd ever own
Care was shown to me
Care watered my soul

Red edged pages
Hard bound text
The date January 8, 1981
Inscription read
My maiden name, given by Jesus
just who is he?

Many years later
I hold in my hands a love letter.
a loving stranger
who cared for my soul
gave all the answers
I daily need

That Bible record
of things learned
dates of History.
He is within my heart, my 20th birthday
aloud and clear 11 days later
Baptized by immersion into the son shine

By November
away from all walked I
A choice for life
A time of thanksgiving
A coin in a backpack
I had moved on.

That old way abandoned.
The life I had known
dependence on brutal man.
Now I have my own home
Choices of freedom
Life with hope.
I live the promise!

It is with great risk.

It was at great risk that I offer a glimpse into the yesteryear of my life.
What am I risking ?
The absence of your presence and the judgment of your possible views . I also risk your pity, I do not want that. Sympathy is a different issue. That you not however simply sympathize with me, but with all of those who walk wounded. That might even be yourself. If you can all do that kindness will rule!
It has now been 20 years that I have been a whole human being. Wounded yet whole and healed. It is my hope that to share the HIStory of my journey that hope might be afforded those who need hope. Courage to those who need the strength to believe that restoration is more than possible it is a promise.
Many years back 26 years now, I set my love upon God (Psalm 91). He has always been there for me even during the years that humanity betrayed me and the enemy pursued me. He is my constant.
This blog is about the past and the process to come into this present joy.

Walking Wounded Vidio

The Sailors Story

I ONCE RESCUED A GIRL IN DISTRESS, THE SAILOR STARTED HIS STORY. SHE WAS WOUNDED BY THE VICIOUS SOUNDS COMING IN THROUGH THE WATERS WALL. SUCH ANGER AND HATRED WAS TO FORCEFUL, AS THE SOUNDS THUNDERED WITHIN HER MOTHER. A PLACE DESIGNED FOR COMFORT AND GROWTH BECAME THE BEGINNING OF TERROR FOR THIS SMALL BABY BEING.

I WATCHED OVER THE LITTLE ONE AND AS THE MONTHS PASSED I KNEW THE GIRL WOULD NEED A LIFELONG FRIEND. I WITNESSED THE DAYS OF HER BEGINNING , KNOWING SHE WOULD ALWAYS BE IN GREAT NEED OF ME. DAYS BECAME WEEKS AS HER FORM DEVELOPED. THE QUAKING OF ANGER ALWAYS A SHORT DISTANCE AWAY. WHEN THE RUMBLING WOULD START I WATCHED AS SHE WOULD CURL UP AND WHIMPER. I WANTED SO MUCH TO HOLD HER BUT HER MOTHER WOULD NOT LET ME NEAR. I HAD TO WATCH FROM A DISTANCE , WAITING FOR ANY OPPORTUNITY TO AID THE YOUNG CHILD.

SHE CAME INTO THE WORLD ONE DAY IN THE MOST TRAUMATIC WAY. I WATCHED AS THE PARENTS DROVE TO THE HOSPITAL IN A FRENZIED RUSH. I WATCHED HER RESPONSE TO THE FEAR SHE FELT EMANATING FROM HER MOTHER. HER HOPES (IT SEEMED) WERE TO ESCAPE TO A BETTER WORLD, A PLACE OF GENTLENESS. HER MOTHERS ANGUISH, HER FATHERS PRIDE. THEIR UGLY WORDS SPOKEN "MY GOD SURE FAT", AND "WHAT A FATTY". THOSE WORDS WOULD LAST A LIFETIME, AND I KNEW IT THEN THAT HER WOUNDED EGO WOULD EVER BE ON THE MEND.

I FASHIONED HER A HEAD DRESS THAT COULD ONLY BE SEAN BY EYES OF LOVE. I SENT HER A BIRTHDAY GIFT. I WRAPPED MY LOVE AND DEVOTION IN A PROMISED PRAYER TO ALWAYS BE NEAR TO HER. I DETERMINED TO KEEP HER AS BEST I COULD. I WAITED AND LONGED FOR THE DAY WHEN SHE AND I WOULD WALK TOGETHER. BUT FOR NOW I HAD TO BE A SILENT COMPANION, A SECRETE FRIEND.

THE MONTHS AND YEARS BEGAN TO PASS. HORRIBLE THINGS WOULD HAPPEN TO HER. CRUEL ACTS OF VIOLENCE, AND UNINTENTIONAL HARM. I WANTED SO BADLY TO HELP AND SOMETIMES I COULD BY LITTLE SUGGESTIONS OR INTERVENTION WHEN I COULD.

THE LITTLE ONE WEPT OFTEN AND SHE MUST OF FELT ALL ALONE. ONE DAY I WATERED A GARDEN WITH THE TEARS THAT I WEPT WHEN AN AWFUL MAN HURT HER, HE WOUNDED HER DEEPLY HER HEART WAS SCARED SEVERELY. MY LITTLE FRIEND WAS DIFFERENT AFTER THAT SHE WAS KEPT WITHIN HER WALLS . I SAW HER DREAM UPON HER BED SO SERIOUS A SCARE WAS LEFT THAT SHE WRETCHED AND WHIMPERED THE WHOLE NIGHT LONG. SHE COULD TELL NO ONE ABOUT THAT ASSAULT. I WATCHED HER ERASE LIFE AND SHE BECAME ONE WHO WOULD SIMPLY PRETEND.