Walking Wounded

Friday, February 6, 2009

all ye all ye out come FREE.

Another morning headache
This one I brought on to myself. Yesterday I bought donuts and gave the children a treat.
This particular child had two to many. So it is sometimes with me. That is how I have dealt with life a bit.
Through an eating disorder.
I wish that I knew all the migraines were that cut and dry. They are not.

An eating disorder is pretty common for we who have this journey. As is most addictions you could list. I got off a bit easier though than most. I do excuse this far too easy though. I know that God stands waiting to heal this too. I have been delivered from addictions of smoking pot many many a year ago.
I was going to the 12 step O.A. meeting for a while. I would forget to go though. I never really fit in right . Of course that is how I have felt most of my life and in most circumstances. Yet another common thread in a survivors life. I don't know it just sorta felt fatalistic. Like there is no end. I was doing pretty well on the road until two years ago when I went for help and the Phyc. said he needed me to go through an early dementia screening and I just shut up into the trunk again. Only taking scraps of food to ease the loneliness.

This has been a remarkable lonely life for me. Knowing God as a friend during my life is my solace. Those times though when I have refused his directions those were the worse. I supose even worse then when my body was not mine.

I was a frightened child turning away. I want him to calm my fears and I want to trust. I have spent so many years testing Him out making little risks to see that truly He is trustworthy. Man however...It is these humans around me who broke trust ....over and over again.
I think in all of this I may find a new phyc. One who is better schooled in PTSD. He did not pursue me. I knew he would not. Rarely does anyone really pursue anyone any more.

Sometimes when we run away it is to see if anyone will really come looking for us. Or is the worst really true? That they really dont want to be bothered to find me.

Do you really want to be bothered to really find those you love?
Do you long for their genuine self?
The person they are behind the wounds behind the vial.
It is exhausting to pursue folks especially if you don't say"alli alli out come free" once in a while . When you stop counting and they are well hidden,,,do you still keep looking? Do you just quit and go on to your next thing to do or do you call to them? ...all all out come your free...?

Many have called that to me and yet I was afraid to believe them that if I took myself out from hiding that I would be free from the pangs of a game lost to my searcher. When in actuality won to me for they never found me and it was I who had the power to reveal myself.
We reveal ourselves only to those who call out to us and surrender the catch, give us the acknowledgment and the prize of reward. That reward is we come out of hiding and there you are glad to see us, approving us of our skill to out wit...and the joy of our achievement by upon your face.

All All out come free...

You made it!
They could not find you.
even though your thrill was for them not to stop trying
The count is over...

all ye, all ye, out come FREE!

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Songs of my heart