Walking Wounded

Thursday, February 5, 2009

The truth about life today

I know that God loves me beyond anything I can understand. I was very angry and just blew off the crust yesterday. This megma runs deep

I had myself today. Happy and truely vibrant. I did not hold it all in. My hands are better for it too.

Today I got to go get the preperation work for my new tooth. A simply mold/impression made for the tooth to be created that will soon set upon the post of the implant.

The upper try was prepared, I was so excited and pure joy flowed in me. After a year or so my new tooth. this molar has been gone now almost a year I think?
Any way great conversations flowing and a real pleasure.

Then she did the "simply" (perhaps for any of you) placement of the moth piece with the gooy mixture to set the impression.
My body was gagging violently. It was horrible. some off the casting material ozzed against the back of my throat. It was so aweful. I had to do everything I could do to bring in every bit of force to stop from freeking out! My whole body went into fight flight and I had to convence it to calm. With everything I had in me all the pain of those events of youth came at me.
Even in Christ , this is what my life is like.

Most of you never could tell that about me because "I manage" my PTSD. I RUN into God when it is happening. I try not to cry for I am so sad that I was so brutalized that even all these years later...a simple dental impression with those bright lights in the face can take all of me to stay centered. It takes so much energy to be me.

I felt like crying when they removed it.
Then later the dentist came in and did the lower jaw and the implnat preperation work.
It was not as bad yet it was very difficulet.

This is how I am blessed.
I left joyfull because it is paid in full. They even reduced the charge $20. because he used a different thing on it. Or perhaps it was favor.
The dentist and I talked about living devt free.

My tooth...We saved up for it. It is PAID IN FULL>

So ya know. any of you who follow me forgive me for not letting you in on the whole story of what it is to live recovered yet effected by the sins of others.

It does not go away but God gives you the strength to go through it. Even that though takes a tole.
To whom much is given , much is required.
I really hate the body memories I live with. It is not because I am a faulting Christian either as some religion or pharasee type condemnation can push me away into a silence. I did not relize what an effect it has had on me. Even me after all these years.
I am no less mature , no less a sage because I suffer. I am however hiding the full truth of what he has taken me out of. But for this that there are those of you out there who are suffering in such incredable silence. I am not numb to your expierence. I have found tools to get through it.
I hope you can stand against the onslaught of "just forget the past and it will go away" ...hows that working for ya?
yes behold all things become new...
letting go of what lies behind pressing on toward the mark of my high calling in Christ...
I have just held them from you. I have denied my high calling...I have hidden it out of fear of ridicule from the religious sect. Danger from the beasts still among us. Who yes most of them were once like us but chose "BY THE ACT OF THEIR WILL TO CONTINUE IT"...

You know there are codes of conduct that make it all to easy for evil to flurish.
hear no evil , speak no evil, see no evil...

wise as the serpent! speeking against all that aflict the innocent, that means exposing it not hiding it cause it is to horrible to verbalize. That is an error that empowers evil to continue and flurish. Those who do evil know this. That is why the deed done are so grotesk so no one will ever tell. I was just that rebal who promised I would. That is who I am.
That is who I have shut up in a trunk so noone could hurt me anymore.
I want out, telling in therapy or just to one person (Mr U.) just does not heal it.

I remember when I was dealing with Carolins murder noone would hear it at the hospital. They had to set up an appointment with this one and only nurse who was willing to hear it. I was so lonely...she was understandably cloaked in a defence. that is why it is so held alone within me.
Please dont tell me to go to counseling or all of that. Been there done that if I am suposed to go back I will. If you say that to me it just is used by by the enemy of my mind to just shut me up.
That is unles I stand up to it.

1 comment:

Annette said...

I read some of your older post and my heart is crying, and I am so, so very sorry that idiots violated you, I wish there was something I could do to help make all this go away, I can pray for you, and I will....some of my childhood days weren't so sweet either, but its nothing compared to what you went through, and yes it does do things to you...I wish I was as strong as you and could write about it but I cant for some reason, crying here.
Just remember...I am your blog friend and your sister in Christ!
Hugs to you

Songs of my heart