Walking Wounded

Monday, February 23, 2009

Medical News is Good!

Today Steve and I heard the diagnostic of the Neuro psych testing.
She started out telling me that the tests were based on an average of 100 people my age and educational background. She explained that she saw no indicators of dementia. In fact that she was surprised by the findings. Regarding the memory testing she said that there was a scale based on the average of said 100 people. It was her finding that in several of those categories I was tested out superior on the scale for cognitive/recall. The part of the test I had a hard time with even tested out as a low normal.
It is her opinion that it was a anxiety that messed me up. Apparently The NES and the P.T.S.T. overlap. That the stress disorder may be the culprit for the loss I felt in the store. The cognitive may be due to stressers that hinder ability.
There seams to be no physical correlation except that the NES is causing my physical symptoms. I was diagnosed at Mayo clinic in 2001 with Non Epileptic Seizures. The Medical profession at large does not recognize this condition in large part because of its' "old school mentality".
At Mayo clinic the research seams to indicate a common thread with trauma survivors and N.E.S. .
The appointment with the Neurologist will be on Thursday.
He will do the compiling of data, it appears though that it is indeed a condition of the remnants of the torture.
Evidently the conditioning of torture and severe abuse causes the body to actually present very real symptoms that mimic other serious (at times ) disorders or ailments.
It is pretty crazy making.
There are those who feign or fake problems.
They cause a world of doubt for those of us who suffer in truth.
An N.E.S. survivor has been so conditioned as to have effects that come out through the physical body. Pain, she said, is sometimes an effect of N.E.S. as well. It is very real, it is just that the source of it is not physical but psychological.
Sorta like being told your crazy.
Not really , but that is what it feels like, and it really hurts my heart.

She said "that I am not to even, ever think that I am "making it up"
it is real and I am not crazy."
I am so very grateful that this is just a part of being me.
A part of being alive after trauma.
It does however break my heart that I have been left to live this life with all the lingering oddities.
She told us that considering all I have know I have a pretty amazing life.
Many people with it commit suicide or just become vegetative, however my sharp mind made me able through the grace and inexplicable mercy of God to make a life for myself.
I kept my word to myself.
I did not let them ( the offenders) win.

She added that even so this "higher functioning" has a high price of stress and intensity that most others thankfully never have to face.
I do not disagree with her there.
I just don't often give myself enough credit for what has been achieved in and through me.

She commented on my ability to find coping methods to overcome the hindrances of the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and even the N.E. S. for that matter.
She warned me with my extensive medical history of corrective surgeries and such due to the trauma, that most physicians will be confused at my symptoms and challenges.
That it is purely based in their ignorance not anything I am doing wrong.

I am tired of being me today.

I wish sometimes I could have never walked this road.

I understand those things that made my peers give up.
If though..., I have any of you peers as readers ...do not give up!
You are not alone and one day knowledge will overcome ignorance.

We will be proven brilliant and courageous.
If even only to ourselves.
Of course that is often the hardest person to convince.

Bless God though that it is not a degenerative condition.
It is just a remnant.
There is a memory aspect that she is yet concerned about , but it appears to be stress related.
At my appointment Thursday I will find out if I am to go any further here.
I tried to get a hold of the support counselor but she is not on my insurance. She did say she would not send me or have me to go to any one who was not a specialist in sever trauma.

So there ya have it.
Rejoice with me, cry with me.
I am both very relieved and yet deeply saddened at my perplexing life.

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